54 Hours

A worldwind trip to take our beloved grandson home for Christmas. He is the best little boy and travels so well. It is so easy to enjoy life when he is around. He was with us for 2 weeks earlier this month.  We got his picture taken with Santa. He saw polar bears at the zoo. He loved us unconditionally and we loved him equally.  I have said this before. Hugs and love from Ollie is the best.

My sweetie says after pancakes and bacon breakfast lets go. Load up the car. We are off. This was the first Christmas I have ever gone by car anywhere outside the city. I was embarking on this adventure with the two most important people in my life. An adventure 54 hours in the making.

As we headed west from the city I could hear the negative predicated by fear voices of my past. The roads will be poor, your car doesn't have snow tires and on and on. For about an hour these voices were in my head.

Well the roads were great, a little snow blown west of Llyodminister and no snow in rural Saskatchewan. We stopped overnight at a great hotel. Got upgraded to a king suite. It was great to see Ollie explore this huge room. He enjoyed watching himself watch TV in the full floor to ceiling mirror.

The adventure continued Christmas morning. After a great breakfast and a send off from the cat lady front desk clerk. Three hours later we dropped Ollie off at his parents place. He was so happy to see his mom and sad as we were to see him go.

About an hour and half into our return trip we saw a man hitchhiking. We passed him and thought for sure someone would stop and pick him up. My sweetie and I looked at each other and we knew we had to go back and pick him up. It was Christmas after all. This gentleman Mike was so grateful for the ride that as soon as he got into the back seat he fell asleep and had 2 hours of restorative sleep. We said our goodbyes at the next major stop. Who knows what his story was. We were grateful that we provided a few hours of peace for this gentleman. Good adventure Mike where ever it takes you.

The rest of the day was uneventful until our hotel room in Regina. We were both convinced it was haunted. Weird noises and the phone ringing in the middle of the night. An experience none the less.

The fear of travelling in winter, the fear of hitchhikers and haunted hotel rooms made for a wonderful Christmas experience. The best part was sharing and spending it with the love of my life. Life lessons learned were take risks, be kind, be compassionate, show empathy, walk a mile in someone else's shoes, show no judgement, embrace life and live without fear.

Fear and Fear Mongering

This was amazing.  Ollie our 2 yr bundle of joy grandson at about 7 pm went and got his shoes on and wanted to go out. We thought okay let's go, so we headed off to the nearest McDonald's play palace. At first Ollie was timid about the play structure and wanted us to go with him and climb.

Then a little girl guided Ollie up the climbing area to the third level and then the next thing we know he is going down the slide. We were so excited and proud of Ollie until I heard my mother's voice inside my head. All my childhood fears came flooding back. The voice saying it's too high, it's unsafe, you will fall and hurt yourself.

Thankfully, this fear only lasted a few seconds as I saw Ollie come down the slide and scamper back up to it all again. We were enthusiastically cheering him on. When he came down the slide for the 10th time he had the biggest smile on his face. Came and gave us a big hug before going back for another climb and slide

No fear, just youthful exuberance. I firmly believe that positive role modelling and words have a lasting effect and if I showed fear in my voice or expression Ollie would have picked up on that and displayed fear and worry. Because I didn't he was able to conquer and explore freely.

Fear monger in serves no purpose in society. Governments are very good at promoting fear among the populace. Who can ever forget Ari Fleischers famous words in the weeks after 9/11 " You're either with us or against us". Another example is in grade school seeing a film called " Mechanized Death". It showed gruesome effects of car accidents. It was trying to teach us respect about bus and car safety.  I remember walking out halfway through along with about half the class. The legalization of pot in Canada will literally go to pot. The building of a drug treatment recovery centre in a residential area will increase crime in that area.

Depression and anxiety leave  you more suspectible and less resilient to fear and fear mongering. I certainly have felt the effects of this. As I watched my grandson I was filled with wonderment and great joy. I was also a little jealous that he was fortunate enough to still have sense of adventure and wonderment and not learned how to fear yet. It makes me wish more of us can be childlike and have a sense of whimsy.

Core Emotion: Anger

Last time out I shared with you my core emotion of fear. Now it is angers turn.

I knew for years, that there was something not right with me. I couldn't put my finger on it until I was diagnosed with depression. One of the symptoms of depression in some people is irritability and anger. In my case it was more than that. I would get mad at the easiest of things. I used to think this was a family trait because it was symbolic of all of us to lose it. My parents at the slightest provocation would go to anger very quickly. This I have since come to know was learned behaviour.

My father when he was angry would say the words bugger and damnation. My brothers would swear at anything and my mother would raise her voice to a yell. I would swear and become irritable at anything.

Last week my sweetie and I were visiting my mother. During the course of the conversation she asks about the Santa Claus suit she gave me over 30 years ago. I said I had 30+ years of use bringing joy to thousands of people and it was time to hang up my suit. I gave it to Salvation Army. At that point  for my mother what I had done was the most heinous thing ever. She raised her voice and said "How Dare You, that is the last gift I am ever giving you".  I am 54 years old, my oldest brother is 8 years older.  You do the math. My mother is in the sunset of her life. I realize she was doing the best she could and still is. It is so hard to get rid of this anger when there is so much around me as evidenced when I talk to her. She uses anger as a wedge by tattling on me to my brother who calls and berates me.

Sometimes I feel I am fighting an uphill battle. It took me more than half a century to realize my anger was hurting me not helping me. I love my mother and brother very much, however, it seems that interactions with them haven't evolved from when I was a child.

My grandson, gives me a second chance, a blessing to start over again and do it better.

Because of this learned behaviour I didn't realize that being angry has consequences. Over the past years I have said and done harmful things and for the most part didn't realize how much damage was done. Looking back at it, I now recognize why some people ceased to have anything to do with me. Opportunities passed me by because of this behaviour. I remember one time I applied in store for a retail position. After giving my resume in to the manager, I ran into someone I knew. We started chatting and at some point I swore loudly. Needless to say I didn't get the position.

I love sports, participating, watch live or on TV. I would get mad at the simplest little situation that went against the team I was rooting for. I now know it is only a game. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

Like any learned behaviour it can be changed. I am changing my behaviour. I don't get angry at the slightest provocation. I still get angry over things and my sweetie calls me on it. My friends call me on it. I need this and appreciate this. My life is better without being angry, irritated at everything. Believe me it is not worth it.

What is Your Core Emotion?

I  have 3 core emotions that affect my life. Fear, angry and the effect money has over me are my core emotions. I will tackle the role fear plays in my life in this entry.

From a very early age I have lived in fear. The first house I lived in we had a garage we were told never to go into. It was inhabited with some of Australia's deadliest spiders and insects. When we came to Canada we had to deal with winter. My mom would always tell me be careful the roads are icy, the sidewalks are icy you could fall and hurt yourself. Be careful, be safe. I heard these words over and over again. Four years ago I fell on the ice and broke my ankle. I heard my mother's voice inside me saying I told you so, you needed to be more careful. 

Even today I hear my mother's voice saying don't talk to strangers, be careful, be safe, don't take risks. Years ago I changed jobs. I took a risk and it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. My mom said you gave up your pension, your seniority and now have to start all over. I said so, I will and I have.  Thankful, her voice is diminishing. When my father was alive he was the opposite he encouraged me to take risks to try new opportunities.

Years ago I visited the CN Tower in Toronto, on the observation floor they have a glass floor portion. There were children sitting on the glass portion. I was sweating, afraid that the floor would give way and wanted to pick up the kids and move them off the glass floor. In 2016, I went back to the tower and stood on the glass floor and looked down for several minutes. 

At one moment in my life, I was scheduled to go sky diving. I had paid my money and was looking forward to the day. Then the day arrived and got called in to work and lost the desire to do this. However, in recent years, my nephew has gone and former President Bush went on his 90th 

birthday. My thought if they can do it so could I. My nephew didn't tell my mom or his dad until after the event happened. They still talk about the fear of skydiving.  I commend my nephew. 

I am happy to say that I am dealing with my fears in a positive way, dismissing the voice of negativity and fear that has prevailed much of my life. However, I am not perfect, and that fear still creeps in when I am feeling depressed and low. When I am depressed I am afraid that no one will help me and I will not get out of my depressive state. I understand that this is the depression allowing the fear into the brain. 

Life is about moving forward positively. I understand and respect the role fear has played in my life. I choose to not let it affect me.

The Reason Things Change; Because They Need To

The other day I posted my entry about sharing my story at a middle school. This is a follow up. I mentioned that high school was not always easy for me. In reality, I got off pretty darn good compared to today's standards.

Fortunately, I did not have to go to school hungry. Today some students go to school hungry. Meal programs are a necessary component in today's school environment.

We had one guidance counsellor for the entire school and he was interested in providing career counselling.

Now there are multiple guidance counsellors, social workers and a psychologist. Are students dealing with more complex issues? Probably not, however, the school system has recognized that there are more social problems students are dealing with. The curriculum has changed. More focus on today's societal concerns. Schools are more balanced and in touch with students of today.
Does bullying exist? Yes. More students cone from one parent homes, more poverty, more ethnically diverse student base. Cultural and ethnic considerations are taken into consideration. The anthem is sung, the Lord's Prayer is not said.

 There are programs like Speak Up where students learn about mental health issues and resources. When I speak at schools I am marvelled at how progressive the schools have become. They are more acutely aware of the needs of students. The students are encouraged to write questions or comments on cue cards. On one occasion a student asked how they can prevent themselves from doing self harm.

I talk about the support networks, the importance of reaching out for help and to seek professional assistance. I admire their courage, bravery for being honest. Thankfully the psychologist will follow up.

For me in high school, I owe a huge thank you to my high school basketball coach for stepping into my space and helping me through a rough period. For literally preventing me from dropping out or falling in with the wrong crowd.

Today, I am thankful to my sweetheart and a small group of friends for keeping me honest with my depression and stepping into my specs when needed.

I have been saved because people cared, loved and supported me. When you least expect it your real supporters will step forward. Be brave, be open and be vocal.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends and family. It is one of my favourite holidays. Some people don't understand considering my Thanksgiving in Canada is the second Monday in October. I always take these 2 days off. I watch NFL games on Thursday and a wide assortment of college, NBA and NHL games on Friday.

Today was a little different, I was sharing my story at a middle school. Each time I do this I come away feeling empowered and inspired. The future of our society is in good hands.

An inner city school with a cross section of ethnicities. It is part of a week long understanding and education about mental health called Speak Up. On the 4rth day volunteers like myself come in to share their story. I wish when I was in grade school this type of program was offered.

In my story I share how high school for me was tough after my parents seperated. I was not the smartest student and was very shy and introverted. I would skip class and serve lots of detention.

If it wasn't for my involvement as student manager of the high school basketball team, I might have fallen in with the wrong crowd or become a high school dropout. School was that bad for me.

Every time I speak to school students I understand how hard it can be for some students. After my speech the students are encouraged to write out questions and comments which I answer and comment on. I am always impressed at the insightful questions being asked. My story resonates with these students and touches some nerves.

Some of the questions reveal that some of the students are dealing with mental health issues. I share from what has worked for me. My positive support network, my wonderful sweetheart, my amazing 2 year old grandson. My openness and education with and about depression. This blog and how therapeutic it is for me. I am also actively involved in many and varied activities.

Do I still have lapses. You bet. Dealing with depression is a daily reality. I give thanks daily for how far I have come and I look forward positively to what the next chapters of my life will bring.

Chapters In My Life

I am  a 54 yrs old man.  First of all, I want to tell you how significant that is.  There was a time when I never would admit my age, but now that I'm here, I am counting my days until I get carded at Safeway.  Yes, I want the seniors discount !!  Second of all, as I will tell you, there was a time when I contemplated leaving this Earth.  That is in the past.  In my present, I have a wonderful partner Shelley, her family, a good career in healthcare, a wide circle of friends, activities and interests and one amazing 2 yr old grandson. In my future, I have goals, dreams, and plans. 

And now, my past.  Eight years ago,  my partner and I were walking at the Forks when she stopped and said, I think you have depression. When we got home I looked up information about depression and the signs and symptoms were staring back at me. The light bulb in my brain went off.

 I knew there was something not right with me; I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I saw other people living life effortlessly and that was not me.  I was irritable all the time, angry, withdrawn, impatient, and never really felt a self of contentment.  I was searching. I tried to find it by using money to by material objects and go on trips. I tried to find it by chasing after relationships I had no hope in creating. What this got me was deep in debt and afraid of relationships and commitment. I talked a good game, I wasn’t living a good game. In short, throughout my life, I have been struggling to smile.  

I traced my depression back to the age of 15 when my parents separated and my two older brothers were grown, flown, and on their own.  I, in no way, want to disparage my mother, because I know she was doing the best she could, but, our relationship became enmeshed.  I took on her adult heartache.  I was busy looking after her emotional needs that I became emotional stagnant.  There were very few things my parents had in common, other than their children, but one thing was their irritability.  But, it was more than that.  They were both able to fly off the handle without the slightest provocation.  I was like that.  I thought it was genetic and I had no choice in the matter.  Now, I know it was learned behaviour, meaning that with time and desire, I could learn other patterns.  

A couple of months later I was formally diagnosed with depression. My doctor asked about medication. I said that no, because I believed once you are on meds you never come off. I had stigma and irrational fears around medication.

I decided to be educated and open with my depression. I also tell people I deal with depression and not suffer with it. I have come to understand the power of correct terminology. I told everyone and mostly had people who could relate, only a few people chose not to understand.  I think perhaps those are suffering with their own demons and I hope they have something to give them a nudge like I did, but, I don't judge.  Being judgmental is a sign for me that I need a mental health tune up.  

 I saw a Psychologist and went through Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In the winter of 2014, a course was being offered from CMHA through my work called Living Life to the Fullest. After the course finished I decided I wanted to volunteer in the mental health field. I took Mental Health First Aid and started volunteering at CMHA. This led to me becoming a speaker sharing my story with the Speak Up program. I go to schools middle and high schools, universities and companies to share my story. What an amazing experience. I feel empowered and confident after each time. The students ask insightful and knowledgeable questions. I wish this type of program was offered when I was in grade school. On one occasion I came back to work and one of the nurses asked me about my morning. She said her daughter deals with anxiety and depression. At every corner like minded people exist. After each speech the students ask questions and write comments. The questions are varied and insightful. In my speech I mentioned how I contemplated suicide once and one student wrote in their comment that I am so glad you didn’t carry through because you have so much to share with the world.  Who knew that having depression could be so rewarding??  I have also realized the importance of medication as part of my wellness plan.  

 We have one grandson.  Recently, Shelley was asked if she had six grandchildren.  The reason she was asked is because we both talk about Oliver all the time.  I happen to have a million photos on my phone if you are interested.  Having no children of my own, I didn't know what kind of grandpa I would be.  The first night he crawled up on my knee on my chair and fell asleep in my arms was one of the happiest moments of my life.  I felt I knew what unconditional love was.  Ollie just gives love and is grateful to receive it back.  No strings attached.  Just love.  A hug from Ollie just warms my heart.  Because of Ollie, I am motivated to volunteer and help others.  I don't want Ollie to go through what I did as a teen.  I want to leave the world a better place for Ollie.  

I have chronicled my journey with depression into a blog. I comment on my journey with depression. The good, the bad. The highs and lows. My feelings and fears. My blog is called Struggling to Smile.  Over the past couple of years, especially when I am with Ollie, people have suggested I call it Struggling to Smile No More.  But, I am not going to change the title.  Even though I have come along way, I still have little lapses.  I have to work hard so that they are not relapses.  

I am just so glad that I am open with my depression.  It is a way to connect with people since almost everyone either has dealt with this or has been affected by a family member or friend. As a result I have greater relationships/friendships and I have my debt under control to the point where it doesn’t suffocate me.

Dealing with depression is a daily reality. I am educated and open about my journey. I am prepared to help others with their journey. I understand that I am work in progress and what my core emotions and triggers are. I do not apologize for my behaviour. If I make plans for something and cancel out at the last minute that’s okay. I am starting to appreciate and value life. I love myself and the place I am at in my life. I am thankful for the love of my life, my rock Shelley. For the strong and diverse network of friends. The varied and diverse interests in my life. I am in a good place right now.

I have had a few bad chapters in my book.  I don't dwell and I now choose to skim over them.  But, I am still reading the book of my life and can't wait to see how it all turns out.  

Grow Up Justice Kavanaugh

Matt Damon nailed it on Saturday Night Live this weekend. His impersonation of Justice Brett Kavanaugh was very funny and very telling because of how real it was.

If I were a politician in the United States I would be totally embarrassed at how their brethren reacted. Sticking by a man as he flays about spewing hatred at the fact that his entitled life is in ruins. Justice Kavanaugh's life is in ruins and he only has him to blame for it.

The senate judiciary committee consists of 21 members 11 Republicans and 10 Democrats. Out of the 11 Republicans all are white and all are male. The average age of them is 62.2.  Out of the 10 Democrats 3 are women. Why am I bringing up these facts, quite simply this committee needs to have equal representation and a diverse representation. At present the committee is out of touch with the pulse, fabric of the nation. The country is made up of diverse representation and deserves better.

Instead of calling for a time out to have the FBI investigate, the committee needed to say to Justice Kavanaugh this hearing is over you are unfit to serve on the United States Supreme Court.

Your actions spoke of childish, inappropriate entitled behavior. At least have the decency to tell the truth.

Justice Kavanaugh when you were nominated by the President on July 9th, I was impressed. Lets just say the bloom is off the rose entirely. You give every male a bad name. We do not deserve to be painted with the same brush. The majority of males are outraged and want you to return to the rock you crawled out from under. At the very least think of your wife and young daughters at what they are going through. You are a disgrace.

We all have done things we regret doing, however, we are accountable and take responsibility for our actions.

Dr Christine Blasey Ford is a courageous women who risked her career to tell the truth, she unlike you has no reason to lie.

After these hearings are over, we will all need to attend counseling, practice self care and good mental health

No Mas, No Mas

These are the famous words used by Roberto Duran who quit mid fight against Sugar Ray Leonard. I am reminded of these words because 2 weeks ago an NFL football player Vontae Davis quit his team and the sport at halftime.

They both had their reasons which we may never know or understand. I am sure they had weighed all the pros and cons and decided this was the time for them.

I know for myself when something is not going right, I weigh the pros and cons and if it feels right in my heart, then I know it is the right decision.

The one thing that I would be happy if it quit was my depression and the negative thoughts that prevail my head when I feel depressed. They weigh me down. Even though I can sense when I am feeling depressed it doesn't always work and I end up being surprised at myself when I am depressed.

My mood/attitude changes. I become withdrawn and brooding. I want to cocoon myself and not engage with the outside world. I can become angry very quickly, the bad words spew out of my mouth. I end up yelling at myself and those around me for no apparent reason. The reason is my depression has taken hold of me.

My sweetie who I love dearly understands me more than anyone else and when she sees the cues she lets me know and helps me . Sometimes it takes, hours or even days. Since I was diagnosed the longest depressive span for me has been a few weeks. Before diagnosis, it could be weeks even months. I felt like a ticking time bomb. Not sure when it would explode.

I am glad it has not exploded.

That is what depression does to me and that is why I want it to quit. I fight every day for it to quit. The struggle is real and it is every day. It is exhausting and can be draining. The fight is one I have to win and everyone else dealing with mental health issues has to win.

Stay strong, be positive and reach out for help.

Dare But For Grace Go I

September 10 was world suicide prevention day. I light a candle for all the people who died by suicide. I was especially thinking of my cousin Alison who in 1989 died by suicide at the age of 19.  In the months, weeks prior to her death there were signs that we missed. As the years go by we all rue that we did not see the signs.

I was also thankful for myself that I did not follow through on my darkest day 18 years ago. I was away in the southern United States and in a severe depression. My thoughts were, I am in the middle of nowhere and nobody would care if I ever came back. I sat in a dark hotel room contemplating life and the next move. The TV was on and CNN was showing live coverage of a young boy being reunited with his father. I was numb and mesmerized by this story. Several times I got up and walked to the lobby and the bank of pay phones. I was deciding what to do, who to call. Each time I would come back to the room. They showed the young boy in his father's arms with a huge smile on his face. 

I knew at that moment I wanted to live and I needed to call my father. Part of me was hoping I would get his voice mail. He answered on the third ring and he heard the desperation in my voice and without judgement asked how he could help. He helped by caring and showing that I am valued and worthy.

I look back at that day and it meant that I am worthy, valued and people do care about me. I have not thought about suicide since. Has there been rough patches sure. Depression does that to you.  Depression attempts to take me down the rabbit hole. Depression make me catastrophiz everything when things go wrong, when mistakes happen. Depression beats me up and keeps beating me up. 

I have learned that with awareness and openness and understanding of depression and a positive support network can breed a positive outlook. The lows and depths of depression are not as low or deep and the time frame is shorter. I have learned to value the little things and working on not sweating the small stuff. I have learned that beauty comes in small packages and that one of best ways I can have good mental health is spending time with my grandson.

Intolerance, Ignorance and Indifference

The other day we were watching the movie Beauty and the Beast and I was reminded of the best speech I ever heard in my 25 year Toastmasters experience. It was the during the 1995 World Championship of Public Speaking. It was obvious this was the winning speech entitled " Its never too late to make a first impression". The speech blew away the audience and laid waste to all the other speakers to follow.

Twenty three years later the speech still resonates with me. I found it on You Tube. The speech dealt with the premise of the movie Beauty and the Beast and the movies central theme of Intolerance, Ignorance and Indifference. We are still dealing with these issues almost on a daily basis. The other theme of the movie is we can make a second impression.

This is so true in many ways. I first met my sweetie 12 years ago, initially there was no attraction, in fact there was disdain. Well 4 years after that first meeting we hooked up and now love and support each other very much and are preparing to spend the rest of our lives together. I love her children and our grandson.

It is also true that Intolerance, Ignorance and Indifference are prevalent today. A group of people are working hard to get a recovery treatment centre built not too far from our residence. My sweetie and I are solid supporters of the endeavour. The site is an abandon hockey arena. Left vacant for 5 and a half years and in serious disrepair. There is a small group of people protesting the endeavour. There reasons are fuelled by intolerance, ignorance and indifference. What is even worse they are not open to listening to the supporters side. Just don't build this centre in our backyard they say.

What I have learned is close mindedness creates fear and fear creates intolerance, indifference and ignorance. Open mindedness creates opportunities and positivity. Be tolerant, acceptive and enlightened, knowledgeable, empathetic, caring and compassionate.

Which would you rather be? I know my answer.

Grandparents day

Today is grandparents day, September 9th. I am a proud grandfather, probably the proudest. For those of you who know me personally you may think, I didn't know he had children.

I didn't have children of my own. My grandson is courtesy of my beautiful stepdaughter.

Oliver is an integral and lovely part of our lives. He is the best boy in all of the world. Yes I am slightly biased. His hugs are legendary and he gives nothing except unconditional love. I am truly blessed.

Growing up most of my friends talked about their grandparents constantly and all the cool things they did with them. For me two of my grandparents died before I was born. One died when I 6 and he lived on the other side of the world. I think I met him 2 x and both when I was a toddler. I have no recollection and only a few pictures. The other one died when I was 13. He lived in New York. One of my earliest memories was going on a boat ride on the Hudson River and I was sitting in the captains chair wearing a captains hat trying to steer the boat.

Every year on my birthday he would send me a card with 10$ US in it. I kept in touch with his widow until she died about 10 years ago. Even went to visit her outside of Philadelphia. She told me things about my grandfather that even my father didn't know.

Back to Oliver, I was hooked the first time he came to visit, I was sitting in my reclining chair and he crawled up onto my chest and fell asleep on me. I was hooked and my heart melted with love. Since then we are best buds. Sometimes we do get frustrated with each other this is a rarity though. This week he will be 2 and a half years. The words are coming and everyday he proves how grown up he is. Eating with utensils and putting himself to bed.  I am so proud and in love with Oliver.

He has proven to be one of the best cures for depression. It is hard to stay low when he is around. As I like to say he could warm an aching heart and he does. The only issue is keeping up to him. This 54 year old body doesn't move like it once did.

Happy Grandparents Day everyone!!!!

I know what I was doing fifty years ago today

Fifty years ago today September 8 I arrived in Canada. I am proud to be an immigrant to this country.  I am thankful that I did not have to learn a new language. I had to expand on the English, I already knew. I spoke with an accent that quickly dissipitated as I became immersed into Canada.

Years later when I told people I was an immigrant and where I came from. The reaction was and still is "What the bloody hell are you doing here"? My answer, I just came along for the ride. See I was 4 and a half when we came from Australia. My father was an academic and got a job teaching history at the University of Manitoba.

The year before we came for a recruiting visit. We had heard about the climate of Winnipeg, a climate of extremes with hot summers and harsh winters. We arrived in Winnipeg on December 15, 1967. It was unseasonably mild with a trace of snow on the ground. My parents thought well it can't b this bad. The University in their promotional material described the Winnipeg winters as cool and invigorating. Every January when the temps dip into the mid -30's and the wind howling, I am reminded that there is nothing cool and invigorating about it.

As the years pass, I adapted and made a great life for myself. I have the best sweetheart in all the world, yes I am slightly biased. I have inherited a family a wonderful stepson and stepdaughter and an awesome grandson. They all bring so much joy, wisdom and unconditional love into my life.

My sweetie also was the first to recognize that I suffered from depression. This was 8 years ago. I believe I have had depression like symptoms for many years prior, probable from my teen years if not earlier. Looking back I seemed to be always a little different. In grade school for the first 3 years I went to a private all boys school. I had trouble adjusting seemed to always be slow to grasp things, my sweetie can attest to this. I could not true my shoes in grade 1. So I was sent to the bathroom to learn to tie my shoes. I spent most of the time crying trying to tie my shoes. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and different.

I wore glasses from the age of 8 and had to endure being called 4 eyes and slant eyes. I tried to fit in. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. I sought refuge in sports which I was marginal at.

In high school I lucked out and developed a liking to basketball and became the team manager which led to becoming team manager for the University of Manitoba. Five great years, a lifetime of experiences and lifelong friends.

I carved out a successful career in healthcare and thanks to my sweetie embraced my depression, sought therapy and am becoming a strong mental health advocate. I am open dealing with my depression. My book has many chapters still to be written, and discovered.

Life is a journey and not a destination. Fifty years the destination was Canada and Winnipeg. The next fifty years who knows. I am a proud immigrant to Canada.

When We Stand Up for Something We Stand Alone

I commend Nike for using Colin Kapernick as their spokesman for their 30th anniversary campaign. The campaign ad is great. It spotlights diversity, authenticity and that whatever your circumstance is you can do better. The ad was dark and real. It didn't promise you a rose garden. It shows that you may not win, however, just do it.

Colin Kapernick is a polarizing figure, a hero in my eyes. He has been blacklisted from the NFL for simply taking a stand by taking a knee to protest the injustices that exist in the world today. Initially others supported him, however, he stands alone for doing what he believed in.

The backlash against Nike and Kapernick has been swift and vitirol. Some pundits have gone over the top like Tucker Carlson who called it an  " Attack on America". Really give your head a shake.

There has been more uproar over the ad campaign than the uproar over " asylum seekers  " having their kids separated from their parents. I don't get it.

The ad is great,  profiling atheletes who have overcome adversity to become greats in their chosen sport like Serena Williams and Alphonso Davis. Instead of vilifying Nike and Kapernick, we need to stand up and by them for their courage, bravery and strength to face adversity head on.

When people stand up for what they believe in and it us something you believe in than stand up with them. I am doing my part, Support the Bruce Oake Recovery Centre.

A Show of Strength

I went with my sweetie last Friday to the rally in support of the Bruce Oake Recovery Centre on Overdose Awareness Day Aug 31. There were probably 50 people in total there. The supporters were wearing purple and displayed purple ribbons. The detractors were wearing white. More on them later.

It was informal and formal at the same time. There were people sharing their personal experience of addictions. It was powerful and moving. How brave and strong they were and how they were loved and supported. I was especially touched by a grandmother and her granddaughter sharing about their loss of grandson and brother. A lady shared how a treatment centre saved her son and gave him his life back. A lady shared about her experience dealing with her employer the military and her lack of compassion with her addiction from her employer. All the shares brought me to tears. Listening to the shares afforded me the opportunity to forget about my own depression for a few minutes, however, I realized the powerful connection between mental health issues and addictions. They go hand in hand.

We are in the midst of a civic election campaign. We have 10 people running for mayor and only 2 candidates showed up to support. The 3 candidates running in the ward the proposed centre falls in were conspicous by their absence. Shameful, I know who gets my support for mayor.

Yes there was a small handful of people wearing white opposed to the facility. They were disrespectful when people were sharing by talking amongst themselves. One of the ladies wearing purple offered her chair to one of the white people who refused to sit in the chair as if it was infested with the plague or something.

A couple of the people sharing asked the opposers directly why they were opposed and were met with silence. One old gentleman just walked away waving his arms in frustration.  These opposers have supposedly hired a lawyer and have their provincial MLA as their spokesperson. However, neither bothered to show. Oh right, I forgot the MLA was too busy tweeting inappropriate responses about his former teacher.

There was a local TV station covering the event. The interviewer filmed the crowd, interviewed a man who recently lost his son and one of the opposers who was more than happy to be interviewed on TV however, was too afraid to address his opposition to the people supporting the centre. Shame on you CTV Winnipeg for giving this person a voice. What are you Fox News?

I am a proud supporter of the Bruce Oake Recovery Centre and a proponent for creating an environment where mental health and addictions are not stigmatized.  Please support this facility and support good mental health. It is not an isolated problem. It is everyone's problem.

Build and support this facility.

Why Do People Hold Grudges

Everyone holds grudges. The question is Why?  According to the Internet, the main 2 reasons why people hold grudges are because they feel have been wronged or because they feel someone is better than them and are jealous or envious of them.

Holding grudges is not good for one's mental health. It is not good for my mental health. I begin to question and second guess myself. I get angry, mad at the world and myself. Which leads to depression and can take a while to recover.

Yet some people excel at holding grudges and don't care how many people they hurt as a result. One of these people is the leader of the free world. The Orange menace, the horses ass. Where do I start? I will give you a few examples.

Because Canada my country won't sign the free trade agreement he slaps exhorbident tariffs on the steel and alumininum on us. Why out of spite? We didn't bow down to him.

Because 30+ years ago he owned a football team in the rival USFL and as a result the NFL would not consider him as an owner. He counters by stating that everyone who kneels or sits for the national anthem is disrespecting the country and flag. Totally ignoring the real reason this movement started in the first place.

This past weekend a great American, statesman died (John McCain) and because he was a true politician and voted with his conscience and voted against repelling Obamacare and actually was the deciding vote. The orange menace refused to lower the flags to half staff for more than a day and did not offer a formal White House statement about John McCain.  I am appalled at how petty and juvenile his behaviour is, what are we in grade school? He is not fit for the White House.

People who hold grudges lack self esteem and confidence. They have to put other people down in order to raise themselves up. The people who are put down may stay down for a long time and develop mental health issues as a result and that is sad. There is no need for anyone to hold grudges at any time for any reason.

In the words of Rodney King " Why can't we all get along".

Recovery For All

I attended an information meeting for a new proposed addictions treatment centre the other day. The architectural firm displayed their conceptual design for the facility. The facility will be built in a residential area on the west area of town alongside a creek.

The area housed a hockey arena and curling rink which has long been shuttered and left in disarray. A new purpose for a great area has become a polarizing issue in our city.

It will be a beautiful enrichment for the community and city providing a much needed place for people dealing with their addictions to get the help they need.

Unfortunately, at this meeting the detractors and naysayers outnumbered the supporters. Why are people opposed to this facility? They have been told that their property value will depreciate. The aesthetics of their suburban life will be upheaved because of the clientele this recovery centre will attract. That the facility needs to be in an industrial area not residential.

Well I got news for you, all the other treatment centres in our city are located in residential areas not industrial. They are established supportive members of their community areas with no incidents to the public involving the residents.

A family who lost their son 2 weeks ago to death by suicide from addictions was in attendance showing their support for the project. These detractors had the audacity to call them out saying they didn't do enough to help their son. I couldn't believe it. What if it was their loved one? How ignorant, insensitive and inconsiderate can people be?

I 100% support this project and am prepared to do whatever I can to ensure it is built. I would be prepared to volunteer at the facility once it is built. Please take the time to know all the facts and support this project. Check out their website at www.bruceoakerecoverycentre.ca

Saving Grace

This weekend marks the 4rth anniversary of Robin Williams death by suicide. At the time, I like most others was shocked to hear of his passing. A terrific comedic genius gone too soon.  From his stand up routines (my favourites were his dissection of the sport of golf and his appearance on Johnny Carson's penultimate show) to his comedic movies again my favourites (Good Morning Vietnam and Mrs. Doubtfire) to his portrayal of John Keating in Dead Poets Society.

What we didn't see was his inner struggles, his pain, his hurt. All of this was clearly on display in his films, stand up routines. However, it was masked so that we couldn't see through all the laughter, immersion of his characters.

When someone dies by suicide, it is to end ones suffering, ones pain. It is not a Sign of Weakness. I once came close 18 years ago. April 2000, I was alone in a hotel room sitting in the dark thinking of how no one would miss me if I never came home.

What stopped me was the TV was on and CNN was showing live coverage of a reunion between a boy and his father.  I reached out to my father. One of the toughest phone calls I ever made. My father reacted with no judgement and asked how he could help. He was even prepared to jump on the next plane and come and get me.

I am forever grateful to my father and the story of Elian Gonzalez for saving me.

Everyone has a story and we don't know what that story is. So be kind and be prepared to reach out when someone is in need. You could be there saving grace.

Robin Williams entertained millions and only a few saw his daily struggle. The struggle is real.

For the last 3 years, I have had the privilege of sharing my story to middle and senior high school students. Each time after sharing there is a comment and question and answer session. One student wrote a comment how they were pleased that I was here to share my story that day.

Everyday I am grateful and thankful that I am here and that my openness with depression could help even 1 person.  This is what keeps me going everyday.

Keep Moving, Keep Pushing Through

These words were used by Brian Dawkins in his Hall of Fame Induction Speech last night. He gave an impassioned 22 minute speech where he praised his teammates, coaches, Philadelphia Eagles, fans and his family.

There's hope, there is something on the other side. Don't stay where you are keep moving, keep pushing through. He is referring to his struggle with depression and how close he came to dying by suicide.

He credits his wife for encouraging him to seek professional help. He credits his family and teammates for keeping him focused.

I can relate I credit my sweetie for suggesting I have depression and encouraging me to seek professional help. I did and have become open and honest about my struggle and journey.

Everyday more and more people come forward and share their struggle and journey. People from all walks of life. There is no shame, no weakness in admitting your struggle.

Being a male there was a certain machoism that had to be maintained. You couldn't show weakness. You couldn't cry in public. You had to have a tough exterior. This is all bullshit.

Once I became open about my struggle, I found like minded people who understood the struggle and could relate either directly or indirectly.

Occasionally, I would come across someone who did not want to hear about my struggle. That's okay they were not ready.

Keep moving, keep moving forward and reach out when you need to.

July, Always a Tough Month

July is always a tough month. A month of heavy hearts, reflection and remembrance. In July, my father and my best friend both died within 3 years and 3 days of each other. They both died on Fridays. I used to be afraid and fearful of Friday's in July. Wondering who close to me was going to die next and couldn't wait for the month to end. I walked around on eggshells all month. Not a fun place to be or even good company to be around.

A couple of years ago I changed my attitude about July and embraced it. The fear went away. The memories will always remain, they don't shackle me anymore.

I miss them everyday. I honor their memory by drinking a glass of scotch to celebrate my father's life. For my friend it is a glass of dark beer. I feel their prescence around me all the time. I am comforted by this knowing they are shining their love, wisdom and guidance down on me.

Last week was very depressing and bittersweet. Our grandson was staying with us and we took him home to his parents. We love him and his parents so much, we wish that 2 provinces didn't seperate us.

It isn't until he is gone that we realize what a benefit having him with us is to our mental health. It is hard to be depressed in his presence. He brings joy discovery and adventure to our lives. Not to forget the greatest cuddles.

So for a couple of days we moped around lacking energy and devoid of emotion. After a couple of days we realized the pity party wasn't much of a party. Instead we decided to count our blessings rather than our stressings.

Number 1 on this list was our perfect grandson. Just thinking of him fills my heart with joy. I know he is back home and still a bundle of joy. I am going to choose to use my time to planning the next visit with him.

If you look at the calendar to be sad or happy, you will always find reason to be sad. Instead count your blessings and look to your heart.

Creature of Habit

I admit it I am a creature of habit. I like structure and sameness. When I ride the bus I tend to sit in the same rows of seats and if someone else is there I feel out of sorts.My sweetie always interjects " How can you be out of sorts, there is only one of you"?

I am a creature of habit about travel, always like to arrive at the airport hours before the flight. Once I am at the airport, nothing can go wrong, so the earlier the better.

I am unfortunately a creature of habit when it comes to frustration and disappointment. For me it manifests itself in misplaced anger. It doesn't have to be anything significant or major.

Growing up I was taught to be afraid of the bogeyman, the unknown, things lurking in the dark. I often heard words like its not safe to go for a walk by yourself. Be careful out there. Are you sure you are going to be okay? Stick to the main roads, don't accept rides from strangers and dont give rides to strangers. Don't talk to strangers? There is a difference between being cautious and living in fear Most people were taught to be cautious, I was taught to be fearful.

My whole life growing up was living in fear. Why? My parents split up when I was young and I lived with my mother and had 2 older brothers and all of them were overprotective of me and to some extent are still today. I believe that this is when my depression first started.

We have or 2 year old grandson staying with us and he is full of discovery. Loves to explore. My first thought is to stop him from exploring because the world can be a scary place. My more realistic thought is to not stifle his creativity and discovery as long as he is not placing himself in any danger.

I also watch him and wonder when is the fear going to set in. Well frankly I hope it never doses.

I look back at my life and recognize that a lot of positives and success have come from the times when I have taken risks. Like 8 years ago this week, I took a risk and as a result I have the most  loving, caring supportive partner anyone could want. I am lucky she allowed me to be in her life.

I have the healthcare position I have because I took a risk 11 years ago with a new department/program. I have great job satisfaction.

Eight years ago, I took a risk by trusting my partner when she indicated that I was suffering from depression and I have embraced it and am open about it. This  has led me to speak to school age teens about mental health and create a blog. I do not suffer from depression, I deal with depression.

The next risk I am going to take is to write a book about my journey with depression. Oh yeah and I talk to strangers everyday and even branch out and sit in different seats on the bus.

The world is not scary. the world is full of adventure, risks and discovery. One of my motto's is act like you belong.

I continue to be a work in progress, some days are better than others. Yesterday, I was fearful and afraid and felt like a scared little child/boy. The depression manifested itself into misplaced anger over what turned out to be nothing. Today is a good day. I know it is a cliche, it really is one day at a time. 

Actions Have Consequences

A very powerful statement " Actions Have Consequences". These consequences can be both positive and negative. They can affect the masses or a few select people. They can be far reaching or extremely localized.

I have come to understand and appreciate the significance of my actions. Since January 1, my sweetie and I have been compiling a list of all our positive actions. After 6 months we have quite the list.

Conversely some of my actions have ended up with negative consequences. Most significant because of my loose lips I lost a friendship. I said some things that I wish I could take back the minute they come out of my mouth. The damage had already been done.

I am a huge sports fan, in particular, soccer and have been fascinated with the World Cup. Cheering loudly for teams I want to advance and watching the heartbreak and anguish when teams do not win or advance in the tournament. Some players actions have led to their teams failure to advance. Other players actions have led to them crying wolf one too many times and not ending up with the benefit of the doubt in the referees eyes.

On the world stage we have seen the USA President impose tariffs on countries and yet seems bewildered when these countries impose tariffs right back on the USA. His actions have far reaching consequences on a global perspective. Most of them are detrimental.

For me, after losing my friendship I went into a mini tailspin. There is no slippery slope for me I slip into a downward spiral very quickly. It affected my interactions with my sweetie, the negative energy emanating from me can be seen a mile away. Karma can be such a curse. What you put out you get back. Further negative actions on my part only compounded the issue. It affects all aspects of my life. Family, work and social. Sometimes I feel like a powder keg ready to explode. I don't want to.

Negative thoughts pervade my brain, I am at the same time being mindful of watching what comes out of my mouth. It has gotten so bad that my sweetie and I rehearse conversations. I am so lucky to have her in my life as the loving supportive partner.

This is what depression does to me.

Happy Canada Day

It is Canada Day long weekend. My country Canada is 151 years young and in September it will be 50 years as a resident and 45 years as a citizen of the greatest country in the world.  A country that has a universal safety net. A country that promotes and celebrates the diverse cultures that make up Canada.

As a 4 year old in 1968 I came along for the ride. My father came to teach history at the University of Manitoba. Within two weeks of arriving in Winnipeg my parents purchased a house in a great neighbourhood which reflected the diverse nature of Canada.

From then to now it has been a great journey. A journey with many twists and turns. A journey of great discovery. One of the great discoveries was meeting and developing a loving relationship with my sweetheart. She has opened up many doors of discovery for me. For which I am a better person and eternally grateful and blessed.

She was the first to recognize my depression and has supported me through the highs and lows. She showed me that the world can be a positive kind place and taught me about the power of the secret. It is so true, what you put out people see and react to it. Positive vibes attract positive vibes and conversely so do the negative attract the negative.

My sweetie and I have had different journeys but we have shared one journey together as we became grandparents together.

It is cliche but he is the greatest bundle of joy. This bundle of joy showed me what unconditional love was for the first time and continues to do so.  From the first moment I changed him (he peed on me) to how he holds are hands when outside walking in public. I have to shake my head constantly to make sure I am not dreaming. Last night my step daughter was feeling low and we had a great 40 min face time conversation. I did it the unconventional way. My family deeply loves me and I deeply love them.

I love being a Canadian and one of the best health remedies for mental health is to have a family that I love and they love me.

Sick to My Stomach

I am sick to my stomach every time I see images of little kids being forcible ripped from their parents arms and put in cages. I am appalled that this behaviour is playing out in the United States of America.

The so called greatest nation in the world. Well sadly no more. My heart goes out to all those parents and kids who are only seeking a better life. I am not a parent, I am a proud grandfather of a 2 year old and can't fathom him being taken away from us throughout no fault.

What responsible adult allows this behaviour to happen? Oh right, a person who is not responsible for his actions. I am calling out you Mr. Maniacal, Narcsisstict Trump. A person who believes that people like Kim Jung On and Vladimir Putin are good people and yet goes to extreme to piss off your allies by slapping unnecessary tariffs on your allies. Then have one of your minions go on national tv on a station which you say promotes fake news and say that their is a special place in hell for Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau because he won't roll over and bow down to your bullying tactics.

You Trump as a father how can you look at your self in the mirror and think you are making America great again by ripping kids from their parents arms regardless of the circumstance. Don't you ever criticize another country for violating human rights without looking in the mirror.

I am sick to my stomach over your bullying actions. I have been bullied before and it is not fun. Being bullied led to my depression. What I learned from being bullied is that the bullied person becomes stronger. The person doing the bullying has to be this way because he doesn't have enough self confidence to take responsibility for his actions, lacks self confidence and needs to impose his will on people who seem inferior or unable to fight back. You make think your actions hurt no one and that their will be no consequences. Well their is a price to pay for every action. That is why be positive, be respectful and treat every one the way you want to be treated is the only way to go.

Tears of Joy/Sorrow

Last week I lost a friend. A friend for over 25 years. An extrodanary man, a talented and funny man yet humble to the core. His legacy is solidified, he was loved by many.

His quick wit was one of his greatest gifts. Self deprecating humour. If you were brought into his poke at himself it was the ultimate compliment.

I will miss our true friendship. We didn't have to talk regularly. We knew that we could reach out and count on each other.

I will miss him. The last couple of days, my sweetie and I have been reliving the times together. Reminiscing, reflecting, remembering and cherishing the memories.

Whenever someone close to me passes, I question my own mortality. I know that grieving a loss is important. With my depression, I need to be aware of how fragile it is and not let myself go to that dark place. This is why I blog, volunteer, am a mental health advocate. I help myself by trying to help and support others.

Tears were shed this week. I am comforted in knowing that heaven will be a funnier place because of my friend. Miss you.

Loose Lips Sink Ships Part 2

The other day I blogged about the power of words, or more importantly how damaging words can be if not used properly.

Well once again the written word has caused great damage resulting in job losses for a lot of innocent people. Rosanne Barr used social media to unleash her views about various people. The consequence for her ill timed words was swift and appropriate. Her show was cancelled.

Of course, she tried  to backtrack and apologize blaming her bad tweet on Ambien. Thankfully the drug company responded by stating that a side effect of their product is not racism.

Here is a women who is crass, boorish and has a history of being inappropriate. I remember her singing a poor rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at a baseball game, when the crowd booed her she grabbed her crotch and spat on the ground.

In my home town, she appeared at the local casino, one of my colleagues went to see her and thought the show was great. I wonder what that lady is thinking now.

The Canadian rapper Drake had a liaison with a women other than his partner. This women has now given birth. In response to the birth of his child he proceeded to call the women a real bad profanity laced word. Another class act who showed his true character. Oh and he apologized by saying he was taken out of context.

Growing up we were all taught if you can't say anything nice about someone don't say anything at all.  The world would be a better place if we stopped, thought and became aware of our words and our actions. I know some people can't help themselves, some do it for effect. In the end is it really worth it. I hope people will stop supporting Rosanne Barr and Drake because of their actions and words. The damage they have done is life altering. We all have choices to make. The more positive choices we make the better the footprint we leave. Our words and actions influence other. The choice is ours as to the influence they have. Choose wisely.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

This famous phrase was part of the American propaganda during WW2. It was meant to stymie the public from spreading idle chatter and gossip about the war efforts.

Another famous saying is the children's nursery rhyme " Sticks and stones may break my bones, however, names/words will never hurt me".

Well I have to tell you that names/words definitely hurt and hurt. I have been on the receiving end on some very harsh words and unfortunately I have also been on the giving end of some very hurtful words.

Recently, it almost cost me a valued friend. In the course of conversation, she was asking me my opinion and I opened my mouth and out came words that were very damaging, hurtful and wished I could take them back as soon as they left my mouth. I felt ashamed and disgusted in myself. I was depressed, I reached out and she wasn't ready yet. I started to accept that because of ill timed words I lost a valued friend who I love and care for deeply.

It took about a month before we talked again and that was only after my sweetie intervened and brokered the peace. It took me several weeks to even tell my sweetie. In those weeks I kept on seeing signs on social media about how damaging words can be. It was a slap in the face which I needed. There are examples on a daily basis where people say things they shouldn't. Some people don't care how many people they hurt or offend by what they say (Donald Trump, Doug Ford, Rudy Guilliani, Evander Kane).

However, most people are deeply remorseful when they say words that hurt people and hopefully have learned the lesson that "Loose lips do indeed sink ships" and words and names DO hurt. It is a hard lesson to learn and a valuable lesson to learn.

I am so grateful to have my friend back and now that this crisis is over. I am starting to reflect on why I had those words inside me. It is not an easy reflection. It is making me realize that I have things inside me that could hurt people. It tells me that I have work to do. Another reminder of how difficult depression is. One thing I have learned for sure is that nastiness never has a role in conversations between friends.

The Royal Wedding

I awoke at 4:30 am in order to watch the Royal Wedding. My first Royal Wedding, up until a few years ago I couldn't have cared less about the Royal family.

How times have changed, thanks to Princes William and Harry. They are amazing young men. Social aware and able to grasp the magnitude of being in the public eye 24/7. They are still able to have private moments and moments of pure spontaneity. Like yesterday when they emerged from the gates of Windsor Castle to greet the masses waiting outside.

Royal weddings are about tradition, pomp and circumstance. This one was, with a lot of breaks from tradition. From her walking down the aisle halfway and Prince Charles escorting her the rest of the way. The veil, having Harry lift it up. The open air carriage ride through Windsor, the first kiss on the steps. The only political figure in attendance former British Prime Minister John Major.

The Princes have modernized the Royal family and good on them. What sold me on the royal family was Harry's admission of mental health issues in the years following Diana's death. The brothers along with Kate created Heads Together to promote and provide practical tools and support in dealing with mental health issues. They gave expanded their awareness with Kate creating Mentally Healthy Schools to support children's well being. Harry creating Military Mental Health to improve and bring attention to mental health issues in the armed forces.

The stigma of mental health is real and it stops people from opening up for fear of prejudice and judgement and getting help. Every time, we talk about our experiences with mental health we break down the stigma. We see more and more people opening up about their mental health story. I am pleased I opened up about my depression. I am a better person for it and if it helps one person then job well done. Your story is important so share away.

Ask Shelley

I ended my last blog with the line ask Shelley. What I mean by that, is it is important to have a confidant in your life who you can ask anything of.  In my case, Shelley just so happens to be my life partner and my chief confidant.

I deal with my depression every day and during the course of any given day I can have highs and lows. Certain thoughts, feelings can act as triggers. Or it might be a phone call, conversation, email that can create depressive moments.

Take today for example, I was all knotted up internally from the events of the weekend. I called Shelley and she happened to say the right words to turn my frown upside down.

Everyone needs to have that someone to ask when they need that level of support. That person is non judgemental and simply asks what can I do or how can I support you even when it is 3 in the morning.

Before Shelley I had Mike my best friend for over 25 years. Unfortunately, cancer took him far too early. It will 10 years in July this year. I think of him every day and I know he is watching over and guiding me just like my father is.

The two years in between Mike and Shelley were hard, I didn't know who to turn to so I floundered and allowed my depression to intensify. I made bad decisions, my weight went out of control along with my diabetes. I chased after things and people who were unattainable. I learned some hard lessons. Lessons like don't force things, allow things to come to you and don't try so hard to make things happen.

Now I am wonderfully supported by great people who accept me for who I am and most importantly are there for me as I am there for them. You know who you are SI, AF, LC, DSC. NBK, PK, TD, CM and OL. If you don't have the supportive non judgemental people around you, just look around and find people who would make good candidates for this and just ask.

Life Lessons

The month of April was an eventful one. It started on a real positive note with an entertaining trip to Vegas. We love Vegas so much to see and do. It never disappoints us.

Since our return the month went south. First there was the emotional toll the bus crash involving Humboldt Broncos took on us and all of Canada. Then the tragic event in Toronto. It s sad when people lose their life from senseless acts. 

It was also an eventful month for me at work. I made two major blunders. I felt devastated and owned the error.  I wanted to stew and fester over my error. 

I have spent many a day and night beating myself up. My partner asked what was the life lesson learned. At the moment the last thing I cared about was the life lesson. You see, I love beating myself up, wallowing in self pity. It is comfortable for me. I just wanted to do this until I was ready to quit feeling sorry for myself.  In the old days I would let the blunder linger for days and weeks feeling low and withdrawn

When I started doing this my partner said "what is the life lesson" "what did you learn". She kept at me until I found a life lesson. It was great therapy. It is what I needed. 

 It is uncomfortable to accept responsibility for ones actions. It is also liberating and accepting leads to understanding and understanding leads to life lessons. The life lessons I learned were to slow down, be more attentive to details and not let my colleagues get to me. And most importantly, ask Shelley.  

Hide The Remote

My partner is the most loving, supportive, caring women and the best person for me. She loves to play little pranks on me. Over the years she has gotten me with some doozies.

In 2015 on Valentine's Day no less, she really got me. I was convalescing at home with a broken ankle and she wanted to go out. It was an extremely cold night. She called me indicating that the car wouldn't start and didn't know what to do. She said a guy indicated he would jump start the car for 200$. I told her to take a cab and we eoud figure out the car in the morning. That exact moment I heard the key turn in the lock and the door open. I was in a cast and didn't move fast enough and almost had a coronary.

She says Happy Valentines Day honey. Oh my did she get me good. I vowed to not get fooled again. Several months went by and she got me again and continues to get me over and over. I keep on making the same vow and getting fooled.

That saying "fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you " doesn't apply in our world.

Recently her pranks have involved the remote control. For most males, the remote is the last bastion of manhood.

My partner is saying she never has access to the remote. She will even text me indicating that I didn't give her access to the remote. Her latest prank is to hide the remote on me. Professing that she never has access to the remote so how can she hide it. This carries on for 20-30 minutes. I check all the usual places and even unusual ones. One day I found it in the fridge, another day in the planter and yesterday in the microwave.

Even though I get annoyed with the premise of the pranks, I enjoy them. They keep me sharp, youthful and in love with her more and more everyday.

Before I met Shelley, I was insecure, had a lot of anger inside. I struggled to smile and especially laugh at myself. Now I am able to enjoy a good laugh even at my own expense and live life for everything life has to offer including a good natured prank. April Fool's has become a favorite day of mine.

I Am Hurting

I am hurting, I am hurting like most Canadians. The tragic events of Friday's bus crash which claimed 15 lives and left another 14 injured and hospitalized has hit me to the core.

I did not know any of the people directly involved, however, I know them indirectly. Hockey is the fibre and fabric of our country. It brings small towns and large communities together as one. The hockey rink becomes the meeting place. The place to be seen on game nights.

The young hockey players bond on the bus rides between hockey communities which are between 2-8 hours away. Cards are played, movies are watched, stories are told and even rookie initiation takes place. All along that bonding comes together to form a team that plays for the community as a cohesive texam.

I have rode buses to games on many occasions for hockey, basketball, rugby and soccer teams. I remember every one of these bus rides. Fortunately, nothing bad happened, except the bus driver getting lost on the turnpike west of Pittsburgh and spending 6 hours at the US border on the same trip when one of the boys proud of his heritage said he was born in Italy. This person now owns one of the most successful Italian restaurants in Winnipeg.

As the days, weeks, months go by the healing will occur the scars will remain. The Humboldt Broncos will rebuild and the town will be stronger for it. 

I will heal like all other Canadians will heal. We are resilient survivors.  

I was a mess this past weekend, co-workers asked the usual Monday morning question of how was the weekend. My simple response was rough. Rough and raw. I hurt physically, emotionally and mentally. I wept for every one affected by this tragedy. I wept for the town of Humboldt. I wept through the vigil. 

I wanted to hug those closest to me and not let go. 

A Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart today. I am wanting to hug my grandson Oliver. I have hugged my lovely partner multiple times today.

The news came hard late yesterday afternoon out of Saskatchewan, a bus carrying a Junior A hockey team the Humboldt Bronco's collided with a semi trailer, killing 14 people and injuring another 14 people.

The coach/GM and the captain were among the deceased. Teenagers and young adults with dreams of careers/scholarships in hockey in the prime of their life taken way too soon.

In my 54 years I have ridden the bus to games in all types of weather and seasons of the year. Whether it be for rugby, hockey, basketball or soccer we never had any issues/incidents, however, the potential was always there.

I cannot fathom what the families of the people involved are going through. Hoping, praying for the best, however, expecting the worst. The gamut of emotions I don't want to ever experience. I have gained a wonderful family and do not want anything to happen to them. My stepchildren and grandson have become incredibly special and important to me.

Hug your loved ones today. Heaven gained some special Angels.

The Hits Keep Coming...

I blogged last time about the great 2018 so far. Well it continues in many different forms.

It started early on January 1. My sweetie loves to play poker and she is very good. She was  going to play in a tournament at the local casino. I went along and I was going to encourage her and offer support at the same time reading and doing my crosswords. She asked if I wanted to play. I said sure it's only 40$. Well 3 hours later I am walking out 400$ richer and the winner of the tournament. Since the start of the year, I have won just under 3000$ in poker. All of the money has gone to pay debt.

Also in January my cheque for speaking at schools in the fall came in. I had totally forgot about this. We went on this spectacular cruise experience to the Western Caribbean. Getting there we volunteered our seats and got handsomely compensated for it and then had the opportunity to fly on the largest plane in United's fleet.

I have cruised 4x times and this was the most relaxing, stress free cruise I have been on. Thank you Carnival. Maybe it was because I was with the person I love. Everyone was happy and the staff were exceptional.

Our grandson has been with us for a month and he is a bundle of joy. So easy going and fiercely independent. Full of love and acceptance. Today is his second birthday.  I am positive he has grown since coming last month. We took him to a reception on the weekend. He rocked his outfit with hat suspenders, leather jacket. It was hard to tell if he was auditioning for a Broadway musical, or Hollywood film or just being the lovely Oliver.  No surprise he was the hit of the party.

The reception was for the introduction of the inaugural class of the Manitoba Soccer Hall of Fame.  I was representing my father, one if the pioneers of soccer in Canada ad Manitoba and women's soccer worldwide. I am positive he was smiling down prouder than punch.

March witnessed my 54th birthday. I have never felt younger or healthier, mentally and physically in my life.  I spoke to a major company sharing my mental health story and journey. Each time I share my story,  I gain greater insight  and awareness into my story and journey and conversely greater appreciation for other people's story and journey.

The message of the secret, the law of attraction is so powerful. What you put out, you will gain back. Karma, Kizmet whatever you call it does work. It needs to be watered and nurtured every day and can be. Keep at it and keep moving forward.