These are the famous words used by Roberto Duran who quit mid fight against Sugar Ray Leonard. I am reminded of these words because 2 weeks ago an NFL football player Vontae Davis quit his team and the sport at halftime.
They both had their reasons which we may never know or understand. I am sure they had weighed all the pros and cons and decided this was the time for them.
I know for myself when something is not going right, I weigh the pros and cons and if it feels right in my heart, then I know it is the right decision.
The one thing that I would be happy if it quit was my depression and the negative thoughts that prevail my head when I feel depressed. They weigh me down. Even though I can sense when I am feeling depressed it doesn't always work and I end up being surprised at myself when I am depressed.
My mood/attitude changes. I become withdrawn and brooding. I want to cocoon myself and not engage with the outside world. I can become angry very quickly, the bad words spew out of my mouth. I end up yelling at myself and those around me for no apparent reason. The reason is my depression has taken hold of me.
My sweetie who I love dearly understands me more than anyone else and when she sees the cues she lets me know and helps me . Sometimes it takes, hours or even days. Since I was diagnosed the longest depressive span for me has been a few weeks. Before diagnosis, it could be weeks even months. I felt like a ticking time bomb. Not sure when it would explode.
I am glad it has not exploded.
That is what depression does to me and that is why I want it to quit. I fight every day for it to quit. The struggle is real and it is every day. It is exhausting and can be draining. The fight is one I have to win and everyone else dealing with mental health issues has to win.
Stay strong, be positive and reach out for help.
Friday, 28 September 2018
Thursday, 20 September 2018
Dare But For Grace Go I
September 10 was world suicide prevention day. I light a candle for all the people who died by suicide. I was especially thinking of my cousin Alison who in 1989 died by suicide at the age of 19. In the months, weeks prior to her death there were signs that we missed. As the years go by we all rue that we did not see the signs.
I was also thankful for myself that I did not follow through on my darkest day 18 years ago. I was away in the southern United States and in a severe depression. My thoughts were, I am in the middle of nowhere and nobody would care if I ever came back. I sat in a dark hotel room contemplating life and the next move. The TV was on and CNN was showing live coverage of a young boy being reunited with his father. I was numb and mesmerized by this story. Several times I got up and walked to the lobby and the bank of pay phones. I was deciding what to do, who to call. Each time I would come back to the room. They showed the young boy in his father's arms with a huge smile on his face.
I knew at that moment I wanted to live and I needed to call my father. Part of me was hoping I would get his voice mail. He answered on the third ring and he heard the desperation in my voice and without judgement asked how he could help. He helped by caring and showing that I am valued and worthy.
I look back at that day and it meant that I am worthy, valued and people do care about me. I have not thought about suicide since. Has there been rough patches sure. Depression does that to you. Depression attempts to take me down the rabbit hole. Depression make me catastrophiz everything when things go wrong, when mistakes happen. Depression beats me up and keeps beating me up.
I have learned that with awareness and openness and understanding of depression and a positive support network can breed a positive outlook. The lows and depths of depression are not as low or deep and the time frame is shorter. I have learned to value the little things and working on not sweating the small stuff. I have learned that beauty comes in small packages and that one of best ways I can have good mental health is spending time with my grandson.
Sunday, 16 September 2018
Intolerance, Ignorance and Indifference
The other day we were watching the movie Beauty and the Beast and I was reminded of the best speech I ever heard in my 25 year Toastmasters experience. It was the during the 1995 World Championship of Public Speaking. It was obvious this was the winning speech entitled " Its never too late to make a first impression". The speech blew away the audience and laid waste to all the other speakers to follow.
Twenty three years later the speech still resonates with me. I found it on You Tube. The speech dealt with the premise of the movie Beauty and the Beast and the movies central theme of Intolerance, Ignorance and Indifference. We are still dealing with these issues almost on a daily basis. The other theme of the movie is we can make a second impression.
This is so true in many ways. I first met my sweetie 12 years ago, initially there was no attraction, in fact there was disdain. Well 4 years after that first meeting we hooked up and now love and support each other very much and are preparing to spend the rest of our lives together. I love her children and our grandson.
It is also true that Intolerance, Ignorance and Indifference are prevalent today. A group of people are working hard to get a recovery treatment centre built not too far from our residence. My sweetie and I are solid supporters of the endeavour. The site is an abandon hockey arena. Left vacant for 5 and a half years and in serious disrepair. There is a small group of people protesting the endeavour. There reasons are fuelled by intolerance, ignorance and indifference. What is even worse they are not open to listening to the supporters side. Just don't build this centre in our backyard they say.
What I have learned is close mindedness creates fear and fear creates intolerance, indifference and ignorance. Open mindedness creates opportunities and positivity. Be tolerant, acceptive and enlightened, knowledgeable, empathetic, caring and compassionate.
Which would you rather be? I know my answer.
Twenty three years later the speech still resonates with me. I found it on You Tube. The speech dealt with the premise of the movie Beauty and the Beast and the movies central theme of Intolerance, Ignorance and Indifference. We are still dealing with these issues almost on a daily basis. The other theme of the movie is we can make a second impression.
This is so true in many ways. I first met my sweetie 12 years ago, initially there was no attraction, in fact there was disdain. Well 4 years after that first meeting we hooked up and now love and support each other very much and are preparing to spend the rest of our lives together. I love her children and our grandson.
It is also true that Intolerance, Ignorance and Indifference are prevalent today. A group of people are working hard to get a recovery treatment centre built not too far from our residence. My sweetie and I are solid supporters of the endeavour. The site is an abandon hockey arena. Left vacant for 5 and a half years and in serious disrepair. There is a small group of people protesting the endeavour. There reasons are fuelled by intolerance, ignorance and indifference. What is even worse they are not open to listening to the supporters side. Just don't build this centre in our backyard they say.
What I have learned is close mindedness creates fear and fear creates intolerance, indifference and ignorance. Open mindedness creates opportunities and positivity. Be tolerant, acceptive and enlightened, knowledgeable, empathetic, caring and compassionate.
Which would you rather be? I know my answer.
Sunday, 9 September 2018
Grandparents day
Today is grandparents day, September 9th. I am a proud grandfather, probably the proudest. For those of you who know me personally you may think, I didn't know he had children.
I didn't have children of my own. My grandson is courtesy of my beautiful stepdaughter.
Oliver is an integral and lovely part of our lives. He is the best boy in all of the world. Yes I am slightly biased. His hugs are legendary and he gives nothing except unconditional love. I am truly blessed.
Growing up most of my friends talked about their grandparents constantly and all the cool things they did with them. For me two of my grandparents died before I was born. One died when I 6 and he lived on the other side of the world. I think I met him 2 x and both when I was a toddler. I have no recollection and only a few pictures. The other one died when I was 13. He lived in New York. One of my earliest memories was going on a boat ride on the Hudson River and I was sitting in the captains chair wearing a captains hat trying to steer the boat.
Every year on my birthday he would send me a card with 10$ US in it. I kept in touch with his widow until she died about 10 years ago. Even went to visit her outside of Philadelphia. She told me things about my grandfather that even my father didn't know.
Back to Oliver, I was hooked the first time he came to visit, I was sitting in my reclining chair and he crawled up onto my chest and fell asleep on me. I was hooked and my heart melted with love. Since then we are best buds. Sometimes we do get frustrated with each other this is a rarity though. This week he will be 2 and a half years. The words are coming and everyday he proves how grown up he is. Eating with utensils and putting himself to bed. I am so proud and in love with Oliver.
He has proven to be one of the best cures for depression. It is hard to stay low when he is around. As I like to say he could warm an aching heart and he does. The only issue is keeping up to him. This 54 year old body doesn't move like it once did.
Happy Grandparents Day everyone!!!!
I didn't have children of my own. My grandson is courtesy of my beautiful stepdaughter.
Oliver is an integral and lovely part of our lives. He is the best boy in all of the world. Yes I am slightly biased. His hugs are legendary and he gives nothing except unconditional love. I am truly blessed.
Growing up most of my friends talked about their grandparents constantly and all the cool things they did with them. For me two of my grandparents died before I was born. One died when I 6 and he lived on the other side of the world. I think I met him 2 x and both when I was a toddler. I have no recollection and only a few pictures. The other one died when I was 13. He lived in New York. One of my earliest memories was going on a boat ride on the Hudson River and I was sitting in the captains chair wearing a captains hat trying to steer the boat.
Every year on my birthday he would send me a card with 10$ US in it. I kept in touch with his widow until she died about 10 years ago. Even went to visit her outside of Philadelphia. She told me things about my grandfather that even my father didn't know.
Back to Oliver, I was hooked the first time he came to visit, I was sitting in my reclining chair and he crawled up onto my chest and fell asleep on me. I was hooked and my heart melted with love. Since then we are best buds. Sometimes we do get frustrated with each other this is a rarity though. This week he will be 2 and a half years. The words are coming and everyday he proves how grown up he is. Eating with utensils and putting himself to bed. I am so proud and in love with Oliver.
He has proven to be one of the best cures for depression. It is hard to stay low when he is around. As I like to say he could warm an aching heart and he does. The only issue is keeping up to him. This 54 year old body doesn't move like it once did.
Happy Grandparents Day everyone!!!!
Saturday, 8 September 2018
I know what I was doing fifty years ago today
Fifty years ago today September 8 I arrived in Canada. I am proud to be an immigrant to this country. I am thankful that I did not have to learn a new language. I had to expand on the English, I already knew. I spoke with an accent that quickly dissipitated as I became immersed into Canada.
Years later when I told people I was an immigrant and where I came from. The reaction was and still is "What the bloody hell are you doing here"? My answer, I just came along for the ride. See I was 4 and a half when we came from Australia. My father was an academic and got a job teaching history at the University of Manitoba.
The year before we came for a recruiting visit. We had heard about the climate of Winnipeg, a climate of extremes with hot summers and harsh winters. We arrived in Winnipeg on December 15, 1967. It was unseasonably mild with a trace of snow on the ground. My parents thought well it can't b this bad. The University in their promotional material described the Winnipeg winters as cool and invigorating. Every January when the temps dip into the mid -30's and the wind howling, I am reminded that there is nothing cool and invigorating about it.
As the years pass, I adapted and made a great life for myself. I have the best sweetheart in all the world, yes I am slightly biased. I have inherited a family a wonderful stepson and stepdaughter and an awesome grandson. They all bring so much joy, wisdom and unconditional love into my life.
My sweetie also was the first to recognize that I suffered from depression. This was 8 years ago. I believe I have had depression like symptoms for many years prior, probable from my teen years if not earlier. Looking back I seemed to be always a little different. In grade school for the first 3 years I went to a private all boys school. I had trouble adjusting seemed to always be slow to grasp things, my sweetie can attest to this. I could not true my shoes in grade 1. So I was sent to the bathroom to learn to tie my shoes. I spent most of the time crying trying to tie my shoes. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and different.
I wore glasses from the age of 8 and had to endure being called 4 eyes and slant eyes. I tried to fit in. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. I sought refuge in sports which I was marginal at.
In high school I lucked out and developed a liking to basketball and became the team manager which led to becoming team manager for the University of Manitoba. Five great years, a lifetime of experiences and lifelong friends.
I carved out a successful career in healthcare and thanks to my sweetie embraced my depression, sought therapy and am becoming a strong mental health advocate. I am open dealing with my depression. My book has many chapters still to be written, and discovered.
Life is a journey and not a destination. Fifty years the destination was Canada and Winnipeg. The next fifty years who knows. I am a proud immigrant to Canada.
Years later when I told people I was an immigrant and where I came from. The reaction was and still is "What the bloody hell are you doing here"? My answer, I just came along for the ride. See I was 4 and a half when we came from Australia. My father was an academic and got a job teaching history at the University of Manitoba.
The year before we came for a recruiting visit. We had heard about the climate of Winnipeg, a climate of extremes with hot summers and harsh winters. We arrived in Winnipeg on December 15, 1967. It was unseasonably mild with a trace of snow on the ground. My parents thought well it can't b this bad. The University in their promotional material described the Winnipeg winters as cool and invigorating. Every January when the temps dip into the mid -30's and the wind howling, I am reminded that there is nothing cool and invigorating about it.
As the years pass, I adapted and made a great life for myself. I have the best sweetheart in all the world, yes I am slightly biased. I have inherited a family a wonderful stepson and stepdaughter and an awesome grandson. They all bring so much joy, wisdom and unconditional love into my life.
My sweetie also was the first to recognize that I suffered from depression. This was 8 years ago. I believe I have had depression like symptoms for many years prior, probable from my teen years if not earlier. Looking back I seemed to be always a little different. In grade school for the first 3 years I went to a private all boys school. I had trouble adjusting seemed to always be slow to grasp things, my sweetie can attest to this. I could not true my shoes in grade 1. So I was sent to the bathroom to learn to tie my shoes. I spent most of the time crying trying to tie my shoes. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and different.
I wore glasses from the age of 8 and had to endure being called 4 eyes and slant eyes. I tried to fit in. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. I sought refuge in sports which I was marginal at.
In high school I lucked out and developed a liking to basketball and became the team manager which led to becoming team manager for the University of Manitoba. Five great years, a lifetime of experiences and lifelong friends.
I carved out a successful career in healthcare and thanks to my sweetie embraced my depression, sought therapy and am becoming a strong mental health advocate. I am open dealing with my depression. My book has many chapters still to be written, and discovered.
Life is a journey and not a destination. Fifty years the destination was Canada and Winnipeg. The next fifty years who knows. I am a proud immigrant to Canada.
Wednesday, 5 September 2018
When We Stand Up for Something We Stand Alone
I commend Nike for using Colin Kapernick as their spokesman for their 30th anniversary campaign. The campaign ad is great. It spotlights diversity, authenticity and that whatever your circumstance is you can do better. The ad was dark and real. It didn't promise you a rose garden. It shows that you may not win, however, just do it.
Colin Kapernick is a polarizing figure, a hero in my eyes. He has been blacklisted from the NFL for simply taking a stand by taking a knee to protest the injustices that exist in the world today. Initially others supported him, however, he stands alone for doing what he believed in.
The backlash against Nike and Kapernick has been swift and vitirol. Some pundits have gone over the top like Tucker Carlson who called it an " Attack on America". Really give your head a shake.
There has been more uproar over the ad campaign than the uproar over " asylum seekers " having their kids separated from their parents. I don't get it.
The ad is great, profiling atheletes who have overcome adversity to become greats in their chosen sport like Serena Williams and Alphonso Davis. Instead of vilifying Nike and Kapernick, we need to stand up and by them for their courage, bravery and strength to face adversity head on.
When people stand up for what they believe in and it us something you believe in than stand up with them. I am doing my part, Support the Bruce Oake Recovery Centre.
Colin Kapernick is a polarizing figure, a hero in my eyes. He has been blacklisted from the NFL for simply taking a stand by taking a knee to protest the injustices that exist in the world today. Initially others supported him, however, he stands alone for doing what he believed in.
The backlash against Nike and Kapernick has been swift and vitirol. Some pundits have gone over the top like Tucker Carlson who called it an " Attack on America". Really give your head a shake.
There has been more uproar over the ad campaign than the uproar over " asylum seekers " having their kids separated from their parents. I don't get it.
The ad is great, profiling atheletes who have overcome adversity to become greats in their chosen sport like Serena Williams and Alphonso Davis. Instead of vilifying Nike and Kapernick, we need to stand up and by them for their courage, bravery and strength to face adversity head on.
When people stand up for what they believe in and it us something you believe in than stand up with them. I am doing my part, Support the Bruce Oake Recovery Centre.
Tuesday, 4 September 2018
A Show of Strength
I went with my sweetie last Friday to the rally in support of the Bruce Oake Recovery Centre on Overdose Awareness Day Aug 31. There were probably 50 people in total there. The supporters were wearing purple and displayed purple ribbons. The detractors were wearing white. More on them later.
It was informal and formal at the same time. There were people sharing their personal experience of addictions. It was powerful and moving. How brave and strong they were and how they were loved and supported. I was especially touched by a grandmother and her granddaughter sharing about their loss of grandson and brother. A lady shared how a treatment centre saved her son and gave him his life back. A lady shared about her experience dealing with her employer the military and her lack of compassion with her addiction from her employer. All the shares brought me to tears. Listening to the shares afforded me the opportunity to forget about my own depression for a few minutes, however, I realized the powerful connection between mental health issues and addictions. They go hand in hand.
We are in the midst of a civic election campaign. We have 10 people running for mayor and only 2 candidates showed up to support. The 3 candidates running in the ward the proposed centre falls in were conspicous by their absence. Shameful, I know who gets my support for mayor.
Yes there was a small handful of people wearing white opposed to the facility. They were disrespectful when people were sharing by talking amongst themselves. One of the ladies wearing purple offered her chair to one of the white people who refused to sit in the chair as if it was infested with the plague or something.
A couple of the people sharing asked the opposers directly why they were opposed and were met with silence. One old gentleman just walked away waving his arms in frustration. These opposers have supposedly hired a lawyer and have their provincial MLA as their spokesperson. However, neither bothered to show. Oh right, I forgot the MLA was too busy tweeting inappropriate responses about his former teacher.
There was a local TV station covering the event. The interviewer filmed the crowd, interviewed a man who recently lost his son and one of the opposers who was more than happy to be interviewed on TV however, was too afraid to address his opposition to the people supporting the centre. Shame on you CTV Winnipeg for giving this person a voice. What are you Fox News?
I am a proud supporter of the Bruce Oake Recovery Centre and a proponent for creating an environment where mental health and addictions are not stigmatized. Please support this facility and support good mental health. It is not an isolated problem. It is everyone's problem.
Build and support this facility.
It was informal and formal at the same time. There were people sharing their personal experience of addictions. It was powerful and moving. How brave and strong they were and how they were loved and supported. I was especially touched by a grandmother and her granddaughter sharing about their loss of grandson and brother. A lady shared how a treatment centre saved her son and gave him his life back. A lady shared about her experience dealing with her employer the military and her lack of compassion with her addiction from her employer. All the shares brought me to tears. Listening to the shares afforded me the opportunity to forget about my own depression for a few minutes, however, I realized the powerful connection between mental health issues and addictions. They go hand in hand.
We are in the midst of a civic election campaign. We have 10 people running for mayor and only 2 candidates showed up to support. The 3 candidates running in the ward the proposed centre falls in were conspicous by their absence. Shameful, I know who gets my support for mayor.
Yes there was a small handful of people wearing white opposed to the facility. They were disrespectful when people were sharing by talking amongst themselves. One of the ladies wearing purple offered her chair to one of the white people who refused to sit in the chair as if it was infested with the plague or something.
A couple of the people sharing asked the opposers directly why they were opposed and were met with silence. One old gentleman just walked away waving his arms in frustration. These opposers have supposedly hired a lawyer and have their provincial MLA as their spokesperson. However, neither bothered to show. Oh right, I forgot the MLA was too busy tweeting inappropriate responses about his former teacher.
There was a local TV station covering the event. The interviewer filmed the crowd, interviewed a man who recently lost his son and one of the opposers who was more than happy to be interviewed on TV however, was too afraid to address his opposition to the people supporting the centre. Shame on you CTV Winnipeg for giving this person a voice. What are you Fox News?
I am a proud supporter of the Bruce Oake Recovery Centre and a proponent for creating an environment where mental health and addictions are not stigmatized. Please support this facility and support good mental health. It is not an isolated problem. It is everyone's problem.
Build and support this facility.
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