The Reason Things Change; Because They Need To

The other day I posted my entry about sharing my story at a middle school. This is a follow up. I mentioned that high school was not always easy for me. In reality, I got off pretty darn good compared to today's standards.

Fortunately, I did not have to go to school hungry. Today some students go to school hungry. Meal programs are a necessary component in today's school environment.

We had one guidance counsellor for the entire school and he was interested in providing career counselling.

Now there are multiple guidance counsellors, social workers and a psychologist. Are students dealing with more complex issues? Probably not, however, the school system has recognized that there are more social problems students are dealing with. The curriculum has changed. More focus on today's societal concerns. Schools are more balanced and in touch with students of today.
Does bullying exist? Yes. More students cone from one parent homes, more poverty, more ethnically diverse student base. Cultural and ethnic considerations are taken into consideration. The anthem is sung, the Lord's Prayer is not said.

 There are programs like Speak Up where students learn about mental health issues and resources. When I speak at schools I am marvelled at how progressive the schools have become. They are more acutely aware of the needs of students. The students are encouraged to write questions or comments on cue cards. On one occasion a student asked how they can prevent themselves from doing self harm.

I talk about the support networks, the importance of reaching out for help and to seek professional assistance. I admire their courage, bravery for being honest. Thankfully the psychologist will follow up.

For me in high school, I owe a huge thank you to my high school basketball coach for stepping into my space and helping me through a rough period. For literally preventing me from dropping out or falling in with the wrong crowd.

Today, I am thankful to my sweetheart and a small group of friends for keeping me honest with my depression and stepping into my specs when needed.

I have been saved because people cared, loved and supported me. When you least expect it your real supporters will step forward. Be brave, be open and be vocal.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends and family. It is one of my favourite holidays. Some people don't understand considering my Thanksgiving in Canada is the second Monday in October. I always take these 2 days off. I watch NFL games on Thursday and a wide assortment of college, NBA and NHL games on Friday.

Today was a little different, I was sharing my story at a middle school. Each time I do this I come away feeling empowered and inspired. The future of our society is in good hands.

An inner city school with a cross section of ethnicities. It is part of a week long understanding and education about mental health called Speak Up. On the 4rth day volunteers like myself come in to share their story. I wish when I was in grade school this type of program was offered.

In my story I share how high school for me was tough after my parents seperated. I was not the smartest student and was very shy and introverted. I would skip class and serve lots of detention.

If it wasn't for my involvement as student manager of the high school basketball team, I might have fallen in with the wrong crowd or become a high school dropout. School was that bad for me.

Every time I speak to school students I understand how hard it can be for some students. After my speech the students are encouraged to write out questions and comments which I answer and comment on. I am always impressed at the insightful questions being asked. My story resonates with these students and touches some nerves.

Some of the questions reveal that some of the students are dealing with mental health issues. I share from what has worked for me. My positive support network, my wonderful sweetheart, my amazing 2 year old grandson. My openness and education with and about depression. This blog and how therapeutic it is for me. I am also actively involved in many and varied activities.

Do I still have lapses. You bet. Dealing with depression is a daily reality. I give thanks daily for how far I have come and I look forward positively to what the next chapters of my life will bring.

Chapters In My Life

I am  a 54 yrs old man.  First of all, I want to tell you how significant that is.  There was a time when I never would admit my age, but now that I'm here, I am counting my days until I get carded at Safeway.  Yes, I want the seniors discount !!  Second of all, as I will tell you, there was a time when I contemplated leaving this Earth.  That is in the past.  In my present, I have a wonderful partner Shelley, her family, a good career in healthcare, a wide circle of friends, activities and interests and one amazing 2 yr old grandson. In my future, I have goals, dreams, and plans. 

And now, my past.  Eight years ago,  my partner and I were walking at the Forks when she stopped and said, I think you have depression. When we got home I looked up information about depression and the signs and symptoms were staring back at me. The light bulb in my brain went off.

 I knew there was something not right with me; I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I saw other people living life effortlessly and that was not me.  I was irritable all the time, angry, withdrawn, impatient, and never really felt a self of contentment.  I was searching. I tried to find it by using money to by material objects and go on trips. I tried to find it by chasing after relationships I had no hope in creating. What this got me was deep in debt and afraid of relationships and commitment. I talked a good game, I wasn’t living a good game. In short, throughout my life, I have been struggling to smile.  

I traced my depression back to the age of 15 when my parents separated and my two older brothers were grown, flown, and on their own.  I, in no way, want to disparage my mother, because I know she was doing the best she could, but, our relationship became enmeshed.  I took on her adult heartache.  I was busy looking after her emotional needs that I became emotional stagnant.  There were very few things my parents had in common, other than their children, but one thing was their irritability.  But, it was more than that.  They were both able to fly off the handle without the slightest provocation.  I was like that.  I thought it was genetic and I had no choice in the matter.  Now, I know it was learned behaviour, meaning that with time and desire, I could learn other patterns.  

A couple of months later I was formally diagnosed with depression. My doctor asked about medication. I said that no, because I believed once you are on meds you never come off. I had stigma and irrational fears around medication.

I decided to be educated and open with my depression. I also tell people I deal with depression and not suffer with it. I have come to understand the power of correct terminology. I told everyone and mostly had people who could relate, only a few people chose not to understand.  I think perhaps those are suffering with their own demons and I hope they have something to give them a nudge like I did, but, I don't judge.  Being judgmental is a sign for me that I need a mental health tune up.  

 I saw a Psychologist and went through Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In the winter of 2014, a course was being offered from CMHA through my work called Living Life to the Fullest. After the course finished I decided I wanted to volunteer in the mental health field. I took Mental Health First Aid and started volunteering at CMHA. This led to me becoming a speaker sharing my story with the Speak Up program. I go to schools middle and high schools, universities and companies to share my story. What an amazing experience. I feel empowered and confident after each time. The students ask insightful and knowledgeable questions. I wish this type of program was offered when I was in grade school. On one occasion I came back to work and one of the nurses asked me about my morning. She said her daughter deals with anxiety and depression. At every corner like minded people exist. After each speech the students ask questions and write comments. The questions are varied and insightful. In my speech I mentioned how I contemplated suicide once and one student wrote in their comment that I am so glad you didn’t carry through because you have so much to share with the world.  Who knew that having depression could be so rewarding??  I have also realized the importance of medication as part of my wellness plan.  

 We have one grandson.  Recently, Shelley was asked if she had six grandchildren.  The reason she was asked is because we both talk about Oliver all the time.  I happen to have a million photos on my phone if you are interested.  Having no children of my own, I didn't know what kind of grandpa I would be.  The first night he crawled up on my knee on my chair and fell asleep in my arms was one of the happiest moments of my life.  I felt I knew what unconditional love was.  Ollie just gives love and is grateful to receive it back.  No strings attached.  Just love.  A hug from Ollie just warms my heart.  Because of Ollie, I am motivated to volunteer and help others.  I don't want Ollie to go through what I did as a teen.  I want to leave the world a better place for Ollie.  

I have chronicled my journey with depression into a blog. I comment on my journey with depression. The good, the bad. The highs and lows. My feelings and fears. My blog is called Struggling to Smile.  Over the past couple of years, especially when I am with Ollie, people have suggested I call it Struggling to Smile No More.  But, I am not going to change the title.  Even though I have come along way, I still have little lapses.  I have to work hard so that they are not relapses.  

I am just so glad that I am open with my depression.  It is a way to connect with people since almost everyone either has dealt with this or has been affected by a family member or friend. As a result I have greater relationships/friendships and I have my debt under control to the point where it doesn’t suffocate me.

Dealing with depression is a daily reality. I am educated and open about my journey. I am prepared to help others with their journey. I understand that I am work in progress and what my core emotions and triggers are. I do not apologize for my behaviour. If I make plans for something and cancel out at the last minute that’s okay. I am starting to appreciate and value life. I love myself and the place I am at in my life. I am thankful for the love of my life, my rock Shelley. For the strong and diverse network of friends. The varied and diverse interests in my life. I am in a good place right now.

I have had a few bad chapters in my book.  I don't dwell and I now choose to skim over them.  But, I am still reading the book of my life and can't wait to see how it all turns out.