The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same

Growing up Saturday Night Live became required viewing. Wherever we were on a Saturday Night we had to end up at someone’s house to watch SNL which was followed by a Don Kirschners rock concerts.

The cast was exceptional with classic segments Blues Brothers, Samurai diner and other variations, the Loepners, Coneheads and many other class bits. Weekend Update with Chevy Chase and Gilda Radner as Rosanne Rosanna Danna. Point Counter Point with Dan Acroyd/Jane Curtis and the two a Wild and Crazy Guys.

The past couple of years of SNL have become required viewing. Their political satire have been outstanding and spot on cameo’s from Alec Baldwin, Robert De Niro, Matt Damon, John Goodman, Maya Rudolph and Weekend Update with Colin Jost/Michael Che. If you are feeling low it is a good cure for mental health. Laughter has always been the best medicine for what ails us. Every other President has enjoyed their satirized of themselves. The orange menace has taken it upon himself to call out SNL for doing what they do best. He has even had a go at our national broadcaster CBC for cutting out his cameo from the movie Home Alone 2. I think he has more important things to be concerned about rather than these trivial matters. Yet there he goes on another Twitter rampage. I think it is clear that he either has early onset dementia or some mental health challenges.

As someone who deals with depression and anxiety on a regular basis I can offer you some help.  First of all become aware of what is happening. Become educated about it. Share and seek help don’t internalize it. It is a sign of strength to seek out help and acknowledge what is happening. There are so many like minded people out there to offer support. One in three people deal with some form of mental health issues. Now-days there are so many resources to assist. I go into schools, companies and universities to share my story. The resources available today certainly outshine what I had in my school. We had one guidance counsellor for the whole school and he was the least bit interested in your problems. He only wanted to talk about career guidance.  There is no need to be silent and if you can offer a hand up. Be kind and be supportive.

This year we have seen a tremendous amount of outstanding people leave us this year. People I grew up watching, listening to, influencing and inspiring me during the 70’s and 80’s. it started early with Darryl Dragon who can forget the Captain and Tennille variety show. Bob Einstein (Super Dave Osborne) always good for comic relief with his asinine stunts. Mean Gene Okerlund the best Pro Wrestling announcer ever. Carol Channing actress, singer, dancer. Ron Joyce co-founder of Tim Horton’s (evil empire). He would be appalled at how far his company has sunk. Albert Finley excellent British actor best known for his work in Erin Brockovich.  Jan-Michael Vincent from that terrible show Airwolf. Michael Wilson (Mulroney’s finance minister). Joe Schlesinger great news reporter. Katherine Helmond matriarch of the satirical show Soap which launched the careers of Billy Crystal among others. Andre Previn composer, conductor and one of Mia Farrow’s husbands. Luke Perry from 90210 Fame never watched the show. Other than Ed Asner she was the last remaining cast member of the Mary Tyler Moore show Georgina Engel. Ken Kercheval (Cliff Barnes of Dallas). Rick Ocasek lead singer of the Cars and the man who gave us Two Tickets To Paradise Eddie Money.

Peter Mayhew (Chewbacca from Star Wars) watched the original and no other one. Peggy Lipton Mod Squad the one with big hair and knee length boots. Funny men Tim Conway and Arte Johnson from the Carol Burnet and Laugh In shows. Easy Rider Peter Fonda rode off into the sunset. Philip McKeon played Linda Lavin’s son on Alice. Valerie Harper on Rhoda, Cokie Roberts great ABC news reporter and one of the first women in the business. Diahann Carroll who was great in everything. Danny Aiello great actor I remembered him best for playing Madonna’s dad in one of my favourite song’s music video Papa Don’t Preach. Great character actors Ron Liebman and Rene Auberjonois. Rudy Boesch finished 3rd in original Survivor. Rutger Hauer the original Blade Runner. Father of ALF Max Wright. Rip Torn perfect foil to Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Pulitzer Prize winner Toni Morrison who brought stories of the African American perspective to light. We had  Presidents, Prime Ministers and Presidential hopefuls leave us in Jacques Chirac, Bob Hawke and Ross Perot.

These people all left us in 2019 and left their mark on the world. They will be remembered for entertaining, inspiring, motivating us.

2019 What A Year

As the year winds down, a time to reflect on the year. January seemed so long ago. The end of 2018 was not good for me. I was falling apart, could not concentrate and was messing up simple tasks.

The start of 2019 was no better. On the very first day I almost electrified myself. I was in need of help. On the weekend I went to the access centre and told my NP and she granted me time off. I had never done this before. Mentally I was not functioning well and the longer it went the worse it became. I took 2 weeks away from work for my mental health. I went to EAP, went to Mood Disorders group session visited with close friends. Read books, watched TV, went walking, did crosswords and blogged.

At the end of the 2 weeks my NP asked if I needed more time. I probably could have used more time however, I felt good and refreshed and went back to work. Back at work I settled into a routine and avoided mistakes. My colleagues noticed a change, a change for the better.

In March I turned 55 and became a senior and enjoyed and still are enjoying my senior discounts. Shelley and I spent a great month with our grandson. He is the best little bundle of joy in the world. Love you Ollie.

Over the summer I started dealing poker two nights a week. Each time out I feel more and more confident and quicker in my decision making abilities. I believe it also has made me a better poker player. Poker is a game of skill and strategy and you are not just playing your cards, but each player and their cards.

In the fall I developed pneumonia and this literally kicked me in the teeth both mentally and physically. All my resources felt depleted. No energy, no desire to do anything. Simple self care aspects were ignored like hygiene, reading, walking. I just wanted to sleep and watch mindless trash on tv. To show the state of mind I was in, one day stopped at McDonalds for a snack and left the car running in the parking lot. For about 30 minutes. I realized when I looked for the car keys. When I got back into the store after shutting the car off. I laughed and laughed. This is in stark contrast to what I would have done years earlier. I would have beat myself up, festered and stewed about how stupid I was and on and on.  I have come so far and yet still a work in progress.

Some positives to finish off the year started around my favourite holiday (American Thanksgiving). Successfully donated blood, got word that pneumonia had cleared. I shared my story at several schools which always brings me great solace and inspiration. I started a class on dealing with difficult emotions. Learning about mindfulness, wise mind, positive emotions and the outcomes. Another 4 great weeks to go and learn new tools.

Shelley and I are looking forward to a great positive year and decade as we venture forth. I have an idea for my 2020 theme. This years theme was focus on abundance and we did.

Lead With Kindness

I have mentioned on several times that every one has a story to tell. That living with reality is a daily occurrence. Some days are better than others and that we are to be kind and offer support at all times.

As Maya Angelou said “ Try and be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud “.

There are some people where I am their rainbow and others where they are my rainbow.

Last week I shared my story at the same school as a couple of weeks ago. Once again it was a wonderful experience. The students ask awesome questions and have inspiring comments. Some of the students are dealing with their own issues or family members. In my story I mention my father dying and one of the students said his mother died a few years ago.

Grade eight students having to grow up real fast and deal with some pretty heavy stuff. I am glad that they have great resources and programs to assist and help make it easier to deal with. The school psychologist is an amazing multi talented lady who has tremendous compassion and empathy for all the students. The schools are doing an amazing job preparing students for the future. School is not about the 3 R’s anymore.

I love sports all types except for baseball because it is two people playing catch.  I have a number of favourite teams. I have great respect for the athletes. Most of them are doing great things and give back to the communities. There are countless examples of exemplary athletes going above and beyond.

Two examples come to mind retired NFL football players Warwick Dunn and Kurt Warner.
Warwick Dunn was raised by a single mom who was a police officer and died in the line of duty. He raised his siblings and created a charity called Home For the Holidays whereby he provides new houses to single mothers.

Kurt Warner was stocking shelf’s at a supermarket when he got the call by the St Louis Rams to play quarterback. He became a super bowl champion, a hall of famer in both the NFL and arena leagues. A broadcaster and him and his wife have a foundation that helps intellectually challenged people. The lasting story I have of Kurt is when he is out for dinner with his family they choose one table in the restaurant and pay for their meal. The kids decide.

A couple of examples of people being rainbows in someone’s life.  Who are you going to be a rainbow for and who is going to be your rainbow.

Refresh, Restore, Regenerate

I was celebrating the week of my favourite holiday American Thanksgiving on vacation by watching football. During this week off I had lots of great moments and discovery.

One of the great moments was discovering the restorative properties of afternoon naps. Four out of the seven days I took advantage of this. Each time I awoke I felt refreshed, reenergized.

The first day was attending a class on managing difficult emotions. Learning to practice mindfulness,   wise mind and understanding the role emotions play in our life and how to deal with them. My sweetie took this class and marvelled about it and she practises the principles every day.

The next day was medical stuff, blood work, chest X-ray ( pneumonia all cleared up) dental appointment ( will have to have on my third filing in 55 years). I had my first one at age 44. I also donated blood for the 28th time.  I love saving lives.

The third day I shared my story at a middle school. Spoke to 2 grade 8 classes. The school is in the west end of the city, ethnically diverse and culturally aware. The students were amazing. Asked great questions and offered wonderful comments. I wish this program learning about mental health was available when I went to school.  When I went we had one guidance counsel or for the whole school. He was not the least bit interested in your personal issues, he was more concerned about career guidance. Now they have resource and guidance counsellors, social workers, and psychologists.  Education has changed for the better.

Growing up being a male, I was a shy introverted young man who wore glasses and had an acne problem. We didn’t dare tell anyone we weren’t feeling right. We were told to suck it up, quit being a wimp, be a man.

As a result we internalized everything and waited for it to bubble up and come out. It often came out in anger, rage, irritability and other negative ways. The macho he-man approach is bullshit.

Now, I have learned to show my emotions, be open, be supportive and be kind. it is a sign of strength.

The rest of the week off was spent chilling with my sweetie. Going back to work I felt great and recharged looking forward to my next days off and my next opportunity to share my story.

Peace.

Saving Lives

Today I donated blood for the 28th time. I remember my first donation, November 10, 2012. I went to pick up Shelley to spend the day. First she says I am going to donate blood. Why don’t you come and see if you can donate too.

For years it is something I always wanted to do, however, thought I was ineligible because I was type 2 diabetic. Shelley assured me that wasn’t the case. I was still sceptical but prepared to give it a try.

After going through the generic questions and having hemoglobin tested. There is a threshold which I passed I met with a nurse to review a whole bunch of questions each one potentially disqualify you from donating. I passed all the questions. I was being asked which arm do I want to use.  I said I am left handed so use my left hand.

Ten minutes later one pint of blood was gone from me. The lady attending to me said thank you for your donation, you just saved 3 lives. I was amazing and pleased that my pint of blood could save 3 lives. A simple act done every 56 to 88 days can save lives.

Seven years later, still donating 4-5 times a year. Feeling excited every time. There have been 3 times which I was deferred (hemoglobin level too low) and had to do the walk of shame. It is a very depressing feeling, short lived yet depressing nonetheless.

Shelley is over 70 donations and every time we donate together I thank her for getting me started. Today was no different one of the ladies asked Shelley if her husband was here as well. She came over and said hi and thanked me.

Donating blood with Shelley is a special way of connecting and sharing our love. We are proud that we are making a difference in the world. You can too, blood it’s in us to give. Be kind be supportive, be engaged in the community.

Managing Difficult Emotions

Today I am starting an eight week course on Managing Difficult Emotions. Difficult emotions can be any emotion. How we respond to our emotions helps shape our personality. From the good, to the bad, to the ugly and everything in between.

I growing up had one primary emotion and that was anger. I would fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. I had a dour demeanour. I could swear like a trooper. F sharp’s would dominate my vocabulary.

I recognized that I had a problem and tried to correct it. I put up a brave front. This was short lived and my demons would pull me back in. Negative thoughts prevailed.

Ten years ago it all started to change for the better. I was diagnosed with depression. The light at the end of the tunnel became clearer and clearer. I started seeing all the negativity in my past and how it had an effect on me in every aspect.

Depression opened my eyes and saved me. I re-evaluated every aspect of my life. Changed my support network, as the years rolled by I my whole personality changed and evolved and my grandson entered my life in 2016. Oliver (Ollie) taught me so many life lessons. The biggest lessons were about unconditional love and the importance of being kind.

As a result my anger is in check and is not the prevalent emotion in my personality. I am looking forward to understanding and dealing with difficult emotions. I am looking forward to discovering more about myself and more about my emotions and use them in a positive way.

Sometimes it is Hard Not to Be Judgemental

The other day I was out at a bar and one gentlemen was being belligerent, rude ignorant and every second word started with F sharp. He was intoxicated and the more he drank the worse he became. He would call out other customers and the owners.

Several people attempted to calm this gentleman down and it only wound him up even more. He would not calm down and was asked to leave.

I did everything in my power to not judge him, however, I did judge him, not only judged him and I stereotyped him. Usually, when this happens I need a mental health tune up.

Later that night I got it. On my way home I stopped at the bank to use the ATM. A young lady was hunkering down for the night. As I left I wished her a safe night. She said thanks. I got in the car and openly wept for a couple of minutes. Driving away I thought I need to do something. I drove by a McDonalds and almost stopped. I didn’t.

Why didn’t I. Was I judging? What was I really afraid of? Now I started judging again, except I was judging myself for my inaction.

A couple of days later and I stopped at the same ATM.  This time there was a young male getting ready for the night. I handed him a completed McDonalds coffee card and wished him a safe and restful night.

Years ago, I would have had walked right by without even noticing or giving a single thought. Years ago I was full of white privilege, anger and entitlement and thought I was hot shit. Years ago, I would have thought locking up the homeless was the way to go.

I know better now, everyone has a story to tell. I have my own story to tell. Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. I sought treatment, saw counsellors, went on medication and was open with my depression. Telling everyone. Yeah some people didn’t want to hear it. Lost friends, social network and recognized that family is more than blood. I was venturing down that path where I could of been the homeless person. You never know we could all be one step away from sleeping on a floor in the lobby of a bank.
#BeKind

Two Fathers

I met my soulmate Shelley in 2006, we starting dating in 2010. Almost 10 years later we are still going strong. Through thick and thin. Some days we rued loving each other. Ultimately our bond is strong.

We had many differences and many similarities. Shelley was born and raised in Dauphin Manitoba, she is of Ukrainian heritage and darn proud of it. Dauphin is small town values with big city heart. At an early age she developed a love for curling and became an accomplished curler herself. She loves the game and knows all about the game and 2 years ago we volunteered at the World Men’s Curling Championship in Las Vegas. She met all her curling heroes and was the life of the party amongst the other volunteers. She loves watching curling and has got me interested in curling as well.

She is and was deeply proud of her parents. Her mother Lil was a dispatcher with the RCMP detachment in Dauphin, the life of the party and lover of Louis Armstrong. When her mom was sick and in hospital RCMP personnel from all over came to visit. At her retirement ceremony she was given a red surge standing ovation. She was beloved by all.

Her father was a WWII vet who served with distinction in the Royal Canadian Air Force and is buried in the veterans section of Dauphin cemetery. After the war he was employed with the PFRA (Prairie Farm Rehabilitation Association). First in Biggar Saskatchewan where he met the love of his life Lil than later in Dauphin.

Shelley was the apple of her father. His nickname for her was Spit or Spitfire named after the type of plane he flew in the RCAF. Unfortunately, Gerry died several months after Shelley’s wedding. Gerry is never far from Shelley’s thoughts. He sounded like a great man. A great man with simple values and instilled a lot of wisdom, laughter and life onto Shelley.

My father and Gerry had some similarities, they were both born in November, distinguished in their respective fields, served in the Air Force. My father honour his service commitment by serving as an Education Officer with the RAF (British Air Force) from 1950-52.

This coming Saturday the 16th would have been his 90th. They both married their soulmates on their second marriage. Both raised great children who found each other in later life. We are immensely proud of our fathers and share their stories wherever possible.

Love you Shelley to infinity and beyond

Lest We Forget

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada and Veterans Day in the United States. It is important to never forget the sacrifices the brave men and women made and continue to make so that we can have the freedom and liberties we come to appreciate.

Whenever I see anyone from the military I thank them for their service. I have good friends who have served and continue to serve. They are dedicated, honorable and proud of their contributions. We need to be proud of their service. Too many veterans have served and returned and then promptly forgotten about.

When governments look to cut service, one area they look at is veterans affairs. Yet when Nov 11 rolls around or a big war anniversary our elected officials are there to spout off how proud they are of our veterans. How hypocritical.

Another example Canada’s self absorbed hockey guru Don Cherry spouted off about why new Canadians do not wear poppies. Don Cherry is extreme white privilege. He is known to put foot in mouth for anything non white or non Canadian. I hope the network does the right thing and put him out to pasture. He has become non relevant.

Celebrate veterans every day of the year not just November 11. Many of them come back and experience PTSD, depression and anxiety. Their career choice is full of perils and risk when they get deployed. They leave behind husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, friends to go and serve. Some pay the ultimate sacrifice. Some return broken and need our help and support. Some do not want to share their experience because it is too traumatic. Let’s give veterans all our love and support, the resources they need.

Be kind and supportive. We never know what someone is struggling with. Lest We Forget.

Sober October

The month of October has passed and it was a sober one for many reasons. Due to some health issues I decided to go the month without alcohol. I am not a big drinker to begin with however, I do like my beer after all it is “ The Nectar of the God’s “. It was pretty easy to do. I will do it again.

In my home town Winnipeg, we are undergoing a crime rampage. Murders, arson, liquor store thefts and the most heinous act of violence I have heard occurred in our town last week. An innocent 3 yr old boy named Hunter was stabbed while asleep by his mother’s ex-boyfriend. Gut and heart wrenching. People have gone numb. My mental health took a hit last month. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. Hunter was taken off life support and died yesterday. He was just starting out and never had a chance. What kind of person would attack a defenceless innocent boy. Words cannot describe the perpetrators thought process.

My grandson Oliver is 3 and a half and I have thought about him a lot. I would be absolutely devastated if anything happened to a Oliver. He brings immense joy and happiness to my life. I was speaking to grade 7 students last week, sharing my mental health journey. One of the questions a student asked me was what lessons am I teaching my grandson. I have taught him about kindness, being aware of his environment and to enjoy life and he has taught me about unconditional love.

The attack on Hunter has left me devastated and wanting to be part of the solution. What is fuelling all this rage. We can no longer turn a blind eye to mental health, addictions, poverty, socio-economic issues, racism.

For the sake of our city we have to sort this out. No more can we say it doesn’t affect me because it is not in my backyard. Everyone is affected. Everyone can chip in and be the solution. We look for leadership to our politicians. We have to look elsewhere. We are the solution. The solution is to be active, engaged, kind, supportive. We have great resolve. I will continue to do my part.

Depression: A Kick In The Teeth

This month of October has been terrible. Feel like I have been kicked in the teeth I am 55 and experienced pneumonia for the first time. It sucked the life out of me. All the energy I could muster got me to work. And that was all.

On top of that my depression ratchet up several notches to the point where I was starting to believe I had all kinds of ailments and would not recover. When I started feeling better, my depression was having nothing of it. It dragged me down. I missed several days of work.

I hate missing work, I enjoy my career choice and am very good at it. You can only watch so many Law & Order reruns, even Netflix gets stale after a couple of days. I would rather be at work, than I feel guilty that I might be making my colleagues sick. I feel guilty staying home.

I like being busy and active, depression doesn’t want me to be. This past month I have battled with myself to suppress my depression. Some days I feel like I am winning, other days I am losing. On the  days I am losing one minute it’s pneumonia the next it’s cancer, the next it’s headaches

, fatigue and don’t want to get out of bed.

Unless you deal with depression it is hard to explain. Yet sharing it is the best way to end the stigma. On weekends all I want to do is stay in bed or on the couch. My sweetie is extremely supportive and would do anything for me. When she suggests getting some fresh air like a walk, I almost bite her head off at the thought.

I have tried several times to blog my thoughts. The depression says not a chance so I don’t. Even this blog I am taking a chance. I am saying to my depression shove it if ever so briefly. When I am depressed my thoughts, actions and words are tough to remain positive. All I feel like doing is closing the door and screaming at the top of my lungs. This may sound like a good idea a short term solution.

I tell myself to be positive, be kind, you have so much good in your heart and so much to look forward to. My depression tells me “ Talk is Cheap”. This cat and mouse game continues. Some days are good, some are bad. Some days are shitty at every turn and some days are great.

That’s life with depression. I surround myself with a positive network who I reach out to on a regular basis. Having accepted that depression will be a lifelong battle for me gives me hope and keeps me going that better days are ahead.

#The Struggle Is Real

The other day we attended a charity bowling fundraiser. It was a great event and raised significant money for an addictions recovery centre. The organizers of the event, friends of ours, created the fundraiser in memory of their son. The profound loss of a son, prompted the parents to action. An action which will save lives.

Last month we attended the dedication on the site of the addictions recovery centre. What seemed like a no brainer to my sweetie and I and thousands of others turned into a drag them out battle. A battle that didn’t have to be. A battle born out of ignorance and misinformation.

Finally all the rezoning and formalities are all done. The rebuild can begin in many ways. The building will be transformed, the community will heal and lives will be saved.

Hearing stories of lives torn apart by addiction and mental illness. These stories are heart wrenching. My friend’s story is no different. The underlying theme is that the people in need of help were reaching out to be helped to be saved. The resources of help are not readily available. Lists are long as demand is high. The crisis is real and not going away.

Mental health and addictions can go hand in hand. No one is immune. Anyone can become an addict, anyone can develop a mental health issue. Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not in character.

It’s simple be kind, be supportive, be respectful. Everyone has a story. My friends are two of the most courageous people I know. They have chosen to honor their son by working to prevent others from not having to go through what they experience.

Depression is a bitch. It kicks us in the ass when we are down and kicks us in the ass when we are up.
Everyday is a struggle. It is not to be trivialized.

The Kindness of Strangers

Today is September 11.  A day of reflection and remembrance. A day of where we instinctively remember where we were and what we were doing. For me, I had just finished a shower when my roommate yelled down a plane has hit the World Trade Centre. My first thought was that must be some serious New York fog for this to happen. Before I left for work, I saw the second plane hit the WTC. Something huge and scary was happening.

Within the hour the true extent would be known. Airspace was closed throughout North America. Planes landed at the nearest airport. Eastern Canada took the majority of the planes. Here in Winnipeg 15 planes were diverted. People were calling into the airport and the media asking how they could help. The stories about the people of Gander have been well documented. Reading the stories over and over again bring tears to my eyes. The outpouring of love and support cannot be measured it was experienced and is lasting.

The kindness of strangers was evident that day. First responders unselfishly risking their lives and losing their lives. The heroic acts of bravery of every day citizens like the passengers on United 93 fighting back to prevent further tragedy. The tale of the Man with the Red Bandana Welles Crowther an equity trader and volunteer firefighter who saved 18 life’s inside the towers before losing his own life.

The kindness of strangers is everywhere. I heard a story today about 2 high school students in Memphis who witnessed a fellow student who was being bullied for wearing the same clothes every day. They took it upon themselves to gather up new and used clothing and present it to this student so he would not be subjected to further bullying.

The picture represents a contrast between one of the worst days in my lifetime and one the happiest weeks  of my life. A Carnival Caribbean cruise with my sweetheart. It was her first cruise. Watching her experience it and relive it brings great joy.

Life is full of great joy and great sadness. Extreme emotions and the kindness of strangers. Be kind at all times. Be supportive and be engaged in life.

Channel Your Inner Bianca

I have not had the energy or motivation to blog over the last month. However, I like most other Canadians jumped on the Bianca Andrescu bandwagon. And why not she is amazing talented mature beyond her years. The poise, determination fortitude to win the US open this past weekend. She beat the world’s best in Serena Williams. The superlatives to describe her victory are endless.

One of the things that marvelled me the most was how she channeled her emotions through meditation. I have never given mediation much thought. I thought it was hocus pocus. I also thought I didn’t have the patience or the imagination to meditate. Maybe I will give it a try. I was making excuses.

After weeks of feeling sorry for myself. Cancelling out on exciting opportunities and letting my depression get the better of me. I do not want to make excuses anymore.

August 31 was world Overdose and Awareness day and September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. I have been thinking about people who have died from overdose, addiction and suicide. Thankfully I have not overdosed nor been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I have had suicidal ideations including one severe ideation 19 years ago. I was on vacation and was having an extremely low time. I strongly thought about not coming home. Nobody would care if I didn’t return.

I am very happy that I reached out and called my father. There was no judgement, just a simple how can I help?  Four of the most important words one can ever say to another person.

So, tomorrow light a candle for all those who have died by suicide. It is not a sign of weakness. Be strong be brave be kind be supportive and be like Bianca. She is amazing and so are we.

International Left Handers Day

Today is mine and my sweeties day. We are both Left Handed or Southpaws and August 13 is our day. It is recognized international celebration.

In a previous generation, being left handed was considered an evil thing, the work of the devil. People would force you to be right handed. Physical violence was acceptable practice to beat it out of you.

In my family of origin I was the only one who is left handed. My aunt and her daughter are left handed. Genetics is a wonderful thing.

Many famous people throughout history are lefties such as Julius Caesar, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Renoir. Five of the last seven US Presidents and 7 in total. Jefferson  was the first. Industry pioneers like Henry Ford and Bill Gates. Two of my favourite artists Lady Gaga and David Bowie.  The list is endless. In fact 11% of the world’s population are left handed.

Creativity blooms stronger in southpaws. I am unique and proud of it. I am glad I am not of that different generation where being left handed was bad real bad.

Embrace it and make it part of your individual story and always be positive, supportive and kind.

July, Another Month on The Calendar.

The month of July has come and gone. A month where 2 great nations celebrate their birthdays. Canada and the United States. A month where amazing feats occurred like Apollo 11 mission to the moon where Neil Armstrong said his famous words “ One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind”. The air conditioner was invented in 1902, World War 1 started in 1914. Disneyland in Anaheim opened in 1955 just to name a few.

It is also a month where 7 US Presidents died and 2 Canadian Prime Ministers died. Three of the first five Presidents died on July 4rth (John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe). President Garfield was shot and died 3 months later. Here in Canada Louis St Laurent and William Lyon McKenzie King died.

For me personally I suffered great loss with family members and a best friend die. They all died on Fridays. For several years, I became fearful of Friday’s asking myself “who’s  next”. I was on eggshells the whole month. I was paralyzed.

July has a lot to offer with great weather, sports, festivals. I didn’t feel like engaging in any of it. I just wanted to cocoon myself and wait out the 31 days and hope they went by fast. As a result I missed a lot and wasted many opportunities. Doors opened and closed.

Thirty years ago my 19 year old cousin died by suicide. I had only met her a couple of times, yet felt a connection. I couldn’t understand why a bright talented attractive young lady would make the ultimate decision. For years, I would cringe when I heard the name Alison or look away when I saw a movie or TV show which depicted the method she used. Five years later her father died and some answers started to emerge and some remained unanswered.

In 2005 my father died and my best friend was diagnosed with cancer and would bravely fight for another 3 years. I remembered getting the phone calls each one early on a Friday morning.  By the time Mike died in 2008, when I got the call I knew right away.  My Friday’s in July spiralled downward for several years.

Several years later, I met the love of my life my soulmate my best friend and you guessed it our first date was on a Friday in July. Somehow I summoned enough confidence to ask her out and my life changed. I became less paranoid and paralyzed by the events of July and instead of focusing on the negative of their passing I started seeing the positive and celebrating their lives well lived

Life continues to be a journey filled with peaks and valleys. I have discovered the beauty of July.
Every month has its moments. If you are looking for the bad you will find it, if looking for the good you will find it. The choice is ours.

Honor, Respect, Remember

I attended a Celebration of Life earlier this week. It was small and intimate and authentic. So often we are afraid to say it like it is. Yet here in a setting which we came together to Honor, Respect and Remember that’s what happened. The first words out of the daughter were we had a complicated relationship and sometimes you were a bitch.

Raw, real and authentic. We got to know the mother warts and all. She led an extraordinary life 88 years, the good the bad and ugly and the journey in between. What a journey it was.

When I go, hopefully at least 30 years from now. I want people telling it like it is, that I did a lot of good for the world, that I could and was a real shit.

We do our best at all times, mistakes happen, we are all flawed, have warts and the best part is we have people to hold us accountable and that all actions have consequences. I want to be challenged, I want to be called on my bullshit. This a good thing.

Earlier in my life I was not called on my bullshit and thus thought I could get away with whatever I wanted. I was a real entitled shit. The sad part is I had nothing to feel entitled about. I know better now and so does my support network. You know who you are and I thank you.

I am glad I found a different way, with beautiful, supportive people who have shown that there is a different way. Life is lived between the dash 1964-

Enjoy, make the most of it and make a positive difference.

Embrace Your Inner Beauty

Today I came across something truly and amazing on social media. A young lady from Newport News Virginia. A mother of 3 children and a Air Force wife and photographer. Her passion is photography and has created a series of women displaying their unique inner beauty.

Many of us myself included struggle to find confidence in their own skin. As a teenager and into my twenties I was ashamed of my body. I have worn glasses since I was eight. If I had a nickel every time someone called me four eyes, I would have several hundred thousand dollars. I also had a severe acne problem that finally cleared in my late twenties.

I grew a beard to hide my acne. I looked even more hideous, however, my thought was it covered my pock marked face. At this time I also started losing my hair. For years I did not like my appearance. This in addition to other situations in my life made me insecure, shy and awkward. Today they call it body shaming.

Society has taught us that males have to be the macho body builder or handsome movie star. Women have to be the size one model. I call crap on this. Beauty is in everyone and everywhere. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It doesn’t matter what colour you skin is, what ethnicity you are, how big or small you are, how tall or short you are. We are all beautiful, we are all of God’s creations.

Body shaming is not appropriate in any manner shape or form. The women in this photographic session are all beautiful. See for yourself at jessfielderphotography.com and embrace your inner beauty.

Welcome to Woodbury

This is the key line in my favourite slot machine game. It occurs when you get the free games. The slot machine is based on the popular tv series “ The Walking Dead”. I have never seen the TV show, however, I enjoy the slot machine and I have won repeatedly on it.

The show is about survival, hope redemption and Zombies.

The graphics in the game are pretty real. Once the free games have been garnered the slot machine moves through the town and then there is an image of the Zombies grappling with arms flaying towards the screen, trying to pull at you to drag you down.

The irony is not lost on me.  There are forces within my life that would rather see me being pulled back down the rabbit hole than see me thrive and succeed. The last 10 years since I was diagnosed with depression this struggle is real. It manifests itself in my head. Two competing forces the positive and the negative. Sometimes the negative wins and I start going down the rabbit hole and being withdrawn, angry, irritable and essentially a real shit of a person. Several weeks ago, my sweetie and I got into a fight. Whenever we fight it usually about my family. For about 48 hours there was tension. I was a wreck. I beat myself up with negative self talk; I was moody, temperamental, seething with rage and afraid that I would explode at any minute like I have done in the past. The last time I did that I lost a good friend and I regret my actions every day. Actions do have consequences.

Most times the positive wins and I am happy, outgoing, supportive loving caring kind person. My life feels complete. Several months ago I befriended a man down on his luck. Billy lives near my office. I see him most days walking with a sign. A sign asking for help. Any type of help. I would talk to him. Ask him how it is. He would tell me. The beauty of Billy is he always has a smile on his face.  His pet name for me is Sunshine. He is the real sunshine. He asked me for money. I didn’t have any to give him. What I had was a bag of clothes, I was going to donate. I offered the bag to him. The only thing was I didn’t see him for several weeks. When I finally saw him he was hurting physically with a smile. I gave him the bag of clothes and 10$. A couple of days later my sweetie and I were driving and saw Billy at his office wearing one of the shirts. My sweetie said it looking better on Billy than it ever did on me. I smiled and felt proud and warm all over.

The beauty of life is that we all are conflicted. We are all in a battle competing between the positive and negative forces around us.  We are all flawed. We are all working on stuff and we cannot do it alone.

I know which way I want to go.

Left the Car Running

I did something that I have never done before. Yes I left the car running. I stopped at a McDonalds for late afternoon coffee and snack. I parked the car went in, ordered and after about 20 minutes reached for my pants pocket and realized the car keys were not there.

My first thought was did I flush them down the toilet. I did not, than I ran out to the car and the car was still there, engine running. I shut the car off and walked confidently back to finish my coffee. Once sitting down I laughed uncontrollably for several minutes.

When I got home I told Shell and she laughed and laughed. How did I do this? What was my mind going through. I can’t explain. I have done some interesting things however this was a first for me.

The only thing to do is laugh about it and learn from it. Stop, look and listen, be aware of one’s environment. Think before acting and at all times be kind and positive.

Years ago I would of been totally beside myself. Panic and fear would have set in pretty early and all the worst possible scenarios would have percolated to the top of my brain. How far I have come. Richard Carlson wrote a book called “ Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff “. It is so very true. We get ourselves worked up essentially over nothing. It is not worth the effort. I have learned the lesson.

Is It Worth It?

Yesterday, I was out to pick up breakfast and an ambulance was behind me so I switched lanes as did all the other cars. At a traffic light one of the cars moved into the turning lane to avoid the ambulance.    The light turned green and I waited to allow this driver to get back into the lane he was in before the ambulance. The car behind me started vigorously blaring his horn urging me to move. I waited for the car to get back into the correct lane. Throwing the driver behind me into complete rage blaring his horn and giving me the famous Pierre Elliott Trudeau salute otherwise known as flipping the bird. He double fisted it even.

As the car behind me now past me the driver threw up his hands in disgust and flipped me the bird again. I would not want to be the person this man meets up with. He is probably still full of rage.

I can relate because I used to be that man. I would fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. I would let it bother me for hours or days.  Why?

I was full of anger, irritable, withdrawn, lonely, just mad at the world. I was not happy with my lot in life. I was feeling entitled when I had no reason to be. Wishing, hoping that the cards I was dealt in life were better that my position in life was better. I was fixated on the wrong things. Too much emphasis was placed on money and status which I had neither of.

I was searching. My coping mechanisms were non existent. I was trying to be a different person. I was living a lie.

Nine years ago this all changed. I had been unlucky in love and relationships, questioning my sexuality, my identity. Through the help of a friend at the time. I took a risk and ask a beautiful lady out on a date. Of course, I didn’t do this in person, or over the phone. It was via email. After a couple of hours of no response, I got discouraged and couldn’t deal with another rejection. Thinking it was never going to happen. I was in a bad way.

Than she said yes. Well the first date went okay not great by any means. We gave it another try and well 9 years later we are very much in love and have a great life. It has not all been roses and sunshine. We have tested each other’s nerves frequently. She has been my rock, my salvation. I have embraced her family, wish my family could do the same. We have an awesome grandson who brings so many positives to our lives.

Every day I feel more and more blessed having you Shelley in my life. Everyday I move more and more away from that angry man flipping birds at anonymous drivers. I am still a work in progress. I continue to move forward in a positive way. Flipping birds in traffic, getting angry over nothing is not worth it. Being positive, being kind, being supportive, being in love and loved is. It is simple.

Proud to be a Canadian

I am proud to be a Canadian, having immigrated 51 years ago. My sweetie says that I just got off the boat yesterday. It was September 8, 1968 we landed in Vancouver took the train to Winnipeg. I was 4 and a half. Have little memory other than what I was told.

In the 51 years I have come to appreciate what Canada has to offer. I met my soulmate, I have two great stepchildren and one amazing grandson. The opportunities afforded me through career, education, sports, volunteering, friendships and personal growth are unlimited.

It has been a good week for Canada. St Louis Blues won their first Stanley Cup with a roster 3/4 Canadian born. The Toronto Raptors won their first NBA championship with the whole country celebrating alongside. Brooke Henderson won her 9th golf title the most ever by a Canadian. Canada’s national soccer teams won their games on the weekend.

The Raptors winning was not the most significant event in Toronto this past weekend. There was a gathering of fans, actors from the iconic hit TV show Degrassi Junior High called Degrassi fanapalooza. Celebrating the success and continued fascination with the show. The show ran for 4 years on national TV and seen by millions around the world.

The show made stars out of regular kids. Teenage girls had crushes for Joey Jaramuzzi and the boys crushed over Caitlyn Shaw including myself. The show was groundbreaking as it dealt with issues kids were dealing with at the time and are still. Drugs, alcohol, sex, pregnancy, body shaming, bullying, depression, single parenthood, suicide. It was not sensationalized. It was real. There will never be another show like it again.

The shows legacy is that it made it easier for kids to deal with real situations and it endeared itself around the world. None of the actors became famous, most of them went back to their regular lives raising families and regular careers. Unfortunately one of the actors has passed his real life mirrored his on screen life.

It was a great show and spawned some spin offs. The legacy will live on and I hope everyone loved their reunion in Toronto this past weekend. Life lessons were learnt and experienced and the world and Canada is better for it.

June 17th

Today is the 25th anniversary of one of the most famous days in sporting history. The confluence of major sports feats occurred throughout the day which led people to have one of their where were you when moments.

It started early with Arnold Palmer competing in his final round of golf at a US Open. Down Broadway in New York City the Rangers we’re celebrating their first Stanley Cup in 40 years with a ticker tape parade.

In Chicago the World Cup of Soccer was played for the first time on US soil. In Seattle, Ken Griffey Jr tied Babe Ruth’s record of most home runs (26) before June 30 in his teams 65th game of the season. Back in New York it was game 5 of the NBA finals between the host Knicks and Houston Rockets.

I was in Fargo North Dakota attending a toastmasters conference and in the hotel bar with a number of other conference attendees. The TV was waiting for the basketball game to start when Bob Costas introduced breaking news a picture of a white bronco driving down an LA freeway being followed at slow motion by a sea of police cars.

The car was being driven by AC Cowlings with OJ Simpson in the back with a gun, disguise and a pocket full of cash. OJ Simpson was evading the police after killing his ex wife and her friend 5 days earlier. Yes in my mind he did it. The scene captivated TV screens everywhere. At overpasses groups of people held up signs cheering and shouting for OJ. Several hours later he surrendered to police.

This event predated the internet and social media. It changed the way major events were covered in the media. It changed the way celebrities were viewed in society and affected people everywhere. Everyone to this day has an opinion about OJ Simpson. I shared mine.  It was more than a black vs white cultural divide.

ESPN did a documentary as part of their 30 for 30 series simply entitled June 17, 1994. A must watch for everyone. 25 years on and today are we in better shape or not. The same issues then are being played out today with the same dramatic and sometimes tragic consequences. We have come a long way, progress is being made. We still have a long way to go. Be kind be positive be supportive and be accepting of one another.

Father’s Day

Today in North America we celebrate father’s everywhere. Past, present and future. Father’s no longer with us like my own. Next month will be 14 years he has been gone.  I miss him dearly everyday. Only in the last couple of years have I truly appreciated his remarkable life. He was a historian, scholar, administrator, writer, volunteer, traveler, survivor and most important a dad.

A dad who when I needed someone to talk to he was there. When I was in a bind he was there to provide assistance and support non judgemental. Was he perfect, far from it, was he deeply flawed yes. Who isn’t though.

My father continues to watch over me. He has even come to visit me on several occasions. I honour him several times a year with a scotch salute. He loved his scotch.

I am also honouring him everyday by being the best partner to my remarkable sweetheart, by being the best step dad to 2 amazing young adults (Gerry and Kelsey) who continue to amaze and dazzle me in creative ways each day. By being the best grandfather to Oliver (Ollie) the best grandson in the world.

I didn’t know how I would be as a dad and grandfather with no personal experience to draw from. Well that was quickly overcome when Ollie climbed up on to me at age 1 and fell asleep on my chest. Words can’t  describe my feelings at that moment. I continue to be amazed by Ollie everyday. The impact he has had on me is incredible.

I am a stronger, confident, balanced man who turns to mush in Ollie’s presence. He warms my heart and mental health.

There is no secret to being a good dad or partner or grandfather. It is to be kind, supportive. To be a giver not a taker. To take risks, make mistakes, be accountable and responsible.

Thank you dad and all the fatherly figures in my life (you know who you are) for leading the way every day. Life is a journey full of wonderful experiences and stories. Sharing your story is a freeing feeling.

Going At My Own Pace

Day 2 of a 3 day mini vacation. It is a staycation. A beautiful day greets me and yet I feel unmotivated.  I have a list of projects that I wanted to achieve. I was able to cross one thing off the list yesterday. I will make an attempt to cross two things off the list. However, today did not start well. All I feel like doing is watching crappy campy movies on Netflix. What is wrong with me?

 The world is full of depressing news. The attack on women’s rights south of the border is disturbing. What right do men have to determine what a women does to their body. I am pro-choice and always will be. The other thing about the abortion issue I don’t understand is why some men are prone to violence over the issue. Shooting abortion doctors, bombing clinics, and now making it illegal to have abortions. If the roles were reversed well world war 3 would break out.  Again it proves that life is not fair.

Last week was Pride week in Winnipeg, culminating with the parade. A colourful explosion of how far rights of the LGBT community has come. I have many friends in this community. They are the most exceptional friends, caring loving and accepting of all.

I recently joined a meet up group Mental Health and Wellness. The first meeting I went to nine people showed up. We all shared our stories, shared resources and shared support for each other. A safe open environment. The world is becoming a safer place for people with mental health issues. The stats are staggering one out of every 5 people that is diagnosed. What about all the people who are suffering in silence?  We want to help and support and lead them into the light. Acceptance, awareness are keys. The stigma is shrinking. Being open is acceptable now. Some of the most well known familiar faces from the entertainment, sports, political world are sharing their experiences. It is becoming the new normal.

Everyone either is dealing with mental health issues or knows someone who is. The struggle is real and daily. Be kind, be accepting and be open.

Maybe I have to apply my own principles to my life now and accept that I am making progress and moving forward and my list will be completed at my own pace. Self care takes precedence and I am aware that the list can help in this area and it will at my own pace.

Be Kind

I work in downtown Winnipeg, parking is always an issue. I am resourceful I have not paid for parking in my 23 year career with the health authority. I street park and move my car every 2 hours to avoid a ticket. Sometimes I am not quick enough and up with a ticket. A 50$ donation to the city. Over the years probably amassed 30 tickets, still way ahead of the game.

For the last couple of weeks I have gone to move my car and passed a man carrying a sign. I say a few words to him as he does likewise. I don’t know him from Adam. The other day he sees me walking and says “ How is it going sunshine “. We stopped and chatted for a few minutes. He uses his  sign to beg for money. Some days are better than others. I said I don’t have any money to give you. He said that’s okay your smile is all I want.

What a great man. I wish him well. An act of kindness goes a long way. Life is really simple be kind.

This week a friend from my past called me out of the blue. He is struggling. I am going to support him anyway I can. Again be kind.

Also this week, a lady from the USA contacted me through social media. A beautiful soul looking for a friend. When I told her I had a wife, she continued to communicate with me. I have added another friend to my circle. Again life is simple be kind.

Last week, Shelley did a stand up comedy routine at an open mic coffee shop. Two of our best friends came and they brought a couple of their friends along. We ended up closing down the coffee bar. A great night and Shelley rocked it.

Life is simple be kind. By being kind it is good for our relationships, our mental health and our life in general. The old adage is true you get what you give.

Mental Health Week

We are halfway through mental health week and this years focus is to Get Loud. Do not stay silent has been one of my motto’s with my journey with depression.

I have been open and honest with my depression with myself and everyone I meet. Sometimes people are not ready for my openness and that’s okay. Someone else will be.  I was late to the table, only diagnosed  10 years ago. However, for about 35 years lived in the darkness undiagnosed being angry, impatient, withdrawn feeling inadequate in many ways. I was carefree with finances and chased after relationship situations I had no hope of creating. I am working to become debt free and am not suffocated by my debt anymore. I am working on having better relationships and deeper friendships.  

My support network has evolved and is very strong and diverse. At 55, I have my own family. They are special, important full of love, hopes, dreams, desires. I am evolving as a grandparent, stepfather and partner each day. 

The challenges are daily and real and right now, would not have it any other way.  The stats are staggering 1 out of every 5 people deals with mental health situations. That is the statistic of the people who have reported, the number is higher with all the people undiagnosed. I am blessed that I had caring people who led me out of the darkness and into the light. I have embraced my depression. It has opened doors for me in ways that allows me to give back and be of support. Every time I speak to schools or companies like today, I touch a life and a life touches mine. 

Be kind, open and loud about mental health every day not just one week a year. Each time we are the stigma decreases.  

Spring Cleaning

March 6th was the start of Lent. Forty days before Easter. The phrase what are you giving up for Lent is synonymous in society today. I heard of one person say “ I am not giving up anything, I am going to give 40 items I no longer wear or use to the less fortunate.

I said to my partner, I can do this. Well it is one week post Easter and I am no closer to starting my spring cleaning. I had good intentions, follow through is my stumbling block. Talk to my partner she will tell you I enjoy spring cleaning.  So what is stopping me?

It’s simple, I am depressed. I put on a brave facade to go to work, to go out with friends, talk to my family. I come home from work and don’t want to do anything other than watch TV or go to bed early. Weekends come and go with good intentions and I end up being a bump on the log.

I do not want to feel this way. I keep doing self talk. I am alert, alive, aware and amazing. It works for a little while, I have a burst of energy, unfortunately it is short lived.

I look outside, we overlook a creek with a walking path, and see people walking running cycling. I think to myself I can do this. I say to my partner let’s go for a walk. We plan and yet we can’t get past the apartment door.

I have no problem going out to get comfort food, doing something healthy well that’s another thing. As I write this I have a headache which I have taken Advil for and had a nap. Work will be here in 12 hours and I am hoping my afternoon nap will not prevent me from sleeping tonight. It has in the past.

Depression is a real bitch/bastard. Everyday brings a new adventure with a lot of self talk to help me get through the day.

Thank You For Volunteering

This week is National Volunteering Week. I do a lot of volunteering with sports organizations, festivals and Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA). I also have done every major sporting event in Winnipeg over the last 5 years from FIFA Women’s World Cup, Grey Cup, Canada Summer Games. Last year my sweetie and I volunteered at the World Men’s Curling Championships in Las Vegas and next year we will do the National Women’s Curling in Moose Jaw.

I enjoy volunteering, the rewards received in giving back are priceless and life changing. One of the activities I do with CMHA is share my mental health story with middle and high school students through the Speak Up program. The students are so in tune with what you are saying and are in touch with their own lives that they relate. Sometimes my story touches nerves in ways I am not expecting. The challenges students and adults face each day dealing with mental issues is real.  Everyone is affected in some manner shape or form. The small difference I make is twofold I get back as much if not more than I give.

Be kind. Be open to share and volunteer wherever possible. The connections you make can last a lifetime. A friend of mine lives in Minneapolis and he volunteers as much if not more than I do. He just finished a stint at the Final Four and last year did the Super Bowl. We met over 20 years ago at guess what a volunteer organization Toastmasters. Way to go Keith. You are an inspiration

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A Night to Remember.

The other night I was invited to a Final Four party with some of my former basketball buddies. We all have added a few pounds, our hair has thinned or become grey. One of the guys I hadn’t seen in 30 years.

What hasn’t changed is our love for basketball. In some ways we have all stayed involved in the game through coaching, referee, volunteering and even still playing or watching their children play.  

It didn’t take long for the memories to come flooding back. It is amazing the more we age the better the stories get. 

We are all successful in many ways. Several of the guys went into education, one is an architect, another works with troubled youth, another is a sales rep. I work in health care  in a building where the hosts wife works and one of the guys brother works who I have known for many years until Saturday never made the connection. 

Some of us are dealing with mental health issues and one guy has MS.  We have for most kept in touch and are friends. The years pass, the moments do not.  

It is great that we are all open about our lives and are able to support each other if needed. Life goes on the connections remain strong.

My theme for this year is to focus on abundance and this evening was another example of how abundant my life is. 

One Year On

It has been a year since the unimaginable tragedy of the Humboldt bus crash that took 16 lives and injured another 13 and affected millions around the world. The hurt and emotions cut to the inner core, fabric of the Canadian soul.  Practically everyone in Canada has been on a bus trip of some sort with a team, a band, a choir etc.

Everyone could relate. The other reason everyone could relate is the role hockey plays in Canadian society. Every boy growing up dreams of being a professional hockey player only a few are talented enough to make it. Bus rides across the Canadian landscape are where young men and women bond as teammates. A definite pecking order is maintained. The coaches and non playing staff occupy the front seats, the rookies the middle seats and the veterans at the back of the bus. Rookie initiation would take place on the longer bus trips. Thankfully, I was never involved with a team which had any form of hazing.  Just harmless fun initiation.

Within hours of the tragedy a Go Fund Me page was started by Humboldt mother Sylvie Kellington by April 18 15 million had been raised. The money was dispersed evenly among the 29 families directly impacted.

The team chaplain Sean Brandlow telling the world at the memorial none of us want to be here and then gave an impassioned emotional tribute.  The tragedy was far reaching with the Pope, Queen, leaders of nations all offering condolences. Professional sports teams all had moments of silence and other tributes.

I read three great articles written by Greg Bishop from Sports Illustrated which captured the essence of the tragedy. From April 13, 2018 his article “The Valley Of Darkness” was heart wrenching. Later he described the Logan Effect in two separate articles March 7 and April 5, 2019.

The Logan Effect spurned a rash of organ donations throughout Canada. Logan Boulet was kept on life support so his organs could be harvested and donated to save 6 lives. A great legacy.

In my home, my partner and I were unprepared for the outpouring of grief that defined the two days after the tragedy.  We were so full of sorrow that we thought we might be sucked down a very deep hole of depression.   The strength of the families and players were motivation to not let that happen.  It has been a reminder to cherish the abundance in your life because it can all change in an instant.

#HumboldtStrongForever

Today I Ceebrate Today.

Today I shared my story to a grade seven class. As always the students were engaged, interested and asked great insightful questions.  I come away inspired, empowered and in awe of the students and are future is bright.

I talk about my story of depression, how did it start, how I felt, the emmeshment with my mother and the emotional stagnancy that prevented me from growing up. Also being routinely being treated as the idiot little brother by my brothers. Of course they deny this. I have the battle scars to prove it.

My journey of  discovery has been a rewarding one due to my openness to accept my depression. I have sought professional help, see an EAP counsellor, volunteer with with many organizationns and every major special event in the city.

I owe a huge bouquet of gratitude to my love Shelley. She opened my eyes 9 years ago and started me on my journey. I also owe a huge hug to Ollie my grandson who will be 3 next month. This little guy taught me the meaning of unconditional love. The first night he stayed with us, he climbed up onto my chest and fell asleep melting my heart at the same time.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven. He continues to amaze me every day.

 I also thank all the students who I have spoken to over the years. You are amazing, talented and the future is bright. You will be involved in careers that aren't even invented yet.

I seek encouragement from my wide and varied support network. Some of you are dealing with similar issues. Some of you are just supportive.

I admired Robin Williams, the wonderful, talented, comedic genius and deeply flawed. Your courage, wisdom is a testiment to all who deal with mental health issues. I admire Kirsten Bell, Sarah Hyland, Amanda Seifried for sharing your story. I admire Rachel Platten your fight song has become my mantra. I admire Lady Gaga your openness and integrity we can all learn from.

All who deal with mental health, keep on being open, kind and continuing to share your story. The stigma will continue to dwindle by doing this.

Love to you all. I am here to support all.

Sometimes I Am A Fraud

The beauty and curse of being a human being is that we are deeply flawed. We make mistakes and we make the same mistakes over and over again. When this happens we embarrass ourselves and those we are with. I am sorry for my actions.

Case in point, my sweetie and I were playing a friendly game of poker with friends. Our monthly game, a modest 20$ buy in with one rebuy before break if needed. I was playing well when over a couple of hands I let my emotions get the better of me. My anger came out when I lost 2 hands. I said some choice words that I wished I could have back.  

Over what, it was not a life and death situation, it was not for millions. Not that these scenarios give it free reign to be angry. I have a problem that I continue to work on. Thankfully my sweetie calls me on this every time. 

Unfortunately, actions have ripple effects and consequences for bigger implications. I keep on making the same mistakes because the life lesson isn't learned. 

This is why I think I am a fraud. I talk about being kind and positive at every opportunity and when push comes to shove I can't even do it in social settings. My social graces are in need of a makeover. Where do we learn social graces from. It starts at home and spreads out word. 

I used to think that being angry was a family trait. I know now it is learned behaviour and with any learned behaviour it can be changed. It is a process and whenever my anger comes out it affects those around me and those closest to me. I am deeply sorry about this and vow to do better. I need help with this and I will get the required help I need before any more damage is done. I have already ruined one friendship because of this and do not want to ruin the relationships closest to me. My sweetie, her family, and especially my amazing grandson. 

Through pain cones healing. I do not want to continue this path where my anger can rear its ugly head at any moment. I am better than this. 

What I like about Winnipeg?

There is a lot to like about Winnipeg. It has been my home for 51 years. When I tell people where I came from, there reaction is " What the bloody heck are you doing here"? When I say I came along for the ride, they say "Why do you stay"?

My father got a professorship teaching history at the University Of Manitoba. In the marketing package he was given while being wooed the University described the Winnipeg winters as cool and invigorating.

I can attest that in January when the wind is howling and it is -30, there nothing cool and invigorating about it.

We immigrated in 1968 from Australia. In 50 years the city has changed. The vibrancy, the flavour of the city has evolved. We are 800,000 people strong and diverse. We have the largest Filipino population in Canada. We have a strong Ukrainian prescence. On some streets you can find a wide variety of languages other than English and French being spoken. Speaking of our French community, we have the largest population west of Quebec.

We are community minded, always prepared to help out whenever needed. We are rich in sports, culture, the arts. We are rich in parks, green space, largest per capita concentration of golf courses in North America. Assiniboine Park is the cities largest and houses our world famous zoo with its magnificent Journey to Churchill exhibit. A leader in Polar Bear research.

Our Forks area at the junction of the cities rivers is a vibrant meeting place with market, shops, restaurants. The children's museum and world class museum for Human Rights. Across the river is the St boniface cathedral. My favourite place in Winnipeg. At sunset the magical colours of the night light up the cathedral. It's cemetery is the resting place for many of Western Canada's founders including Louis Riel. A multi kilometre river walk stretches along both rivers.

I speak to middle and high schools sharing my mental health story. I have seen the ethnic diversity of our city through the eyes of the students. How diverse and rich the city is. The beauty of a city is the people who live here and we are a beautiful city. We are kind, generous and conservative and liberal all at the same time.

Years ago, I felt like leaving and going back home, not anymore. I love living here.

Listening To Your Body

My body aches. I have fallen on the ice several times over the last couple of weeks. I am sore on the upper left arm, my left hip and right thigh  and knee area.

What this tells me I am not as young as I used to be. In 2 and a half weeks I am turning 55, the double nickel. Senior discounts at a number of places kick in at this age. I can hardly wait. I am looking forward to being carded.  The last time I was carded was in 1991 at the Metrodome in Minneapolis for an NFL game. I went to buy a beer and they carded me. I had ID proving that I was of age. However, our provincial driver's license didn't have photo ID. No beer for me. Soon after we got picture ID for driver's license.

The last week has been a struggle for me. I was not practising self care. I was being fearful of everything.  Yesterday and today were better days. Feeling more confident on the drive in to work. Had a good productive day, got multiple tasks done. Let's hope the rest of the week goes as well.

Depression is a real bitch at times. It throws you for a loop.  It is an internal power struggle your brain has with itself. Depression says no one cares for you, no one supports you, no one wants to see you get better. You are better off being depressed. On the other hand your inner strength is fighting the depression off with positive, supportive talk, self care and action.

Sometimes the depression wins, it saps the energy out of you. Sometimes the only strength you have is to wake up and get out of bed. Other times it will not even let you do that. I get it why people self harm or die by suicide. It is to stop the pain or deflect the pain. I have never self harmed, however, I did seriously contemplate taking my own life. I was away on vacation, I had a plan. I really believed no one would have cared if I ever returned.

What stopped me. A news story about a reunion between a father and his son. I reached out to my father. When I picked up the phone to call him, my whole body was shaking. He answered on the third ring. My voice said it all. No judgement, he asked what can I do to help you. He helped saved the rest of my trip.  I love and miss him. He has been gone 14 years now. He is never very far from my thoughts. Keep on watching over me.

Our body and mind tells us how we are feeling, thinking. It tells the story of my life. Everyone has a story. We don't know what people are going through. Life is simple, be kind, be positive, listen to your body.

Self Care

What is self care? It is doing things to take care of oneself when depression hits.  It can be simple things like taking a shower, reading a book, going for a walk, watching TV.  I am a good promoter of self care. I encourage myself and others to practice.

Well the last week I have been promoting self care, however, not practicing it. I haven't shaved since last week. Haven't had a shower for a week. Do I stink, hopefully not. I have washed my hair and body washed. 

Why haven't I been doing self care. I am struggling. I am feeling vulnerable and afraid. Especially at night time. I can't explain it. I am fearful of driving at night. I start to tense up. I go slower than usual. I am fearful of walking. I have fallen a couple of times. So far only my pride has been hurt.

Four years ago, I fell on the ice, my ankle rolled under my leg and the tibia broke. Three days later I was having surgery. Eight weeks later I was back at work. I was really hoping to be back at work within a week or two at most. 

Each time I have fallen I was thinking the worst, however, I bounced right back only with a few aches and pains. My mind flashed back laying on the ground in excruciating pain. I knew I had hurt myself. Two people saw me fall rushed to my aid. I was too proud to admit help. After sitting on the ground for a minute got back up walked a block to my car and drove to my office. Once at my desk the shock, pain sank in. I was driven to urgent care. Within ten minutes an X-ray was taken. Yep broken ankle.

In the four years haven't thought about it except when I see someone in a walking boot and empathize by saying I know what that is like. Recovering, I practised self care every day. It ended up being a watershed momont for me. Like my depression I embraced it and was positive with it. I owe my recovery to my rock, my soulmate, my sweetheart Shelley. She was there for me and is still here for me.

Self care is important for our livelihood, for our well being. It is easy to do, yet can be so hard. Weeks like this one make it so hard. 

Super Bowl (Bore) Sunday

it is Super Bowl Sunday and for the first time in years I gave zero interest in watching. The New England Patriots are making it annual ritual to play in this game. They are up against the upstart Los Angeles Rams who are a good team however, got here through a blown officiating call in their previous game.

The Pats are led by an ageless wonder some might call him the greatest in the game (Tom Brady). He is an amazing player. He is arrogant, cocky and he knows it. That is what makes him a polarizing figure. No middle ground, you either love him or hate him.

Their coach is the same way except Bill Belichick has small aloof gruff personality. He is short in press conferences. One word answers. He looks like he would rather be anywhere else than on a football field. Yet he is a great coach and knows it and comes across that way. He doesn't care what people think of him.

I have heard people say you have to fail a few times to be successful. Look at one of the greatest US president of all time Abraham Lincoln. He ran for public office 9 times after losing the previous 8. Brady was drafted in the 9th round out of Michigan. Had mediocre stats in college. Belichick was fired from his 2 previous head coaching gigs with New York Jets and Cleveland Browns.

People don't like others who repeatedly succeed, when this happens they question whether they cheated or not. Look up Deflategate and Spygate on Google. Brady and Belichick come up. Did they cheat, probably not. Did they find loopholes within the legality of the rules probably yes.

I love watching sports all types except baseball (two people playing catch). Sports has winners and losers.  Sports has great plays and great players. Sports has officials to make sure rules are followed. Sports has humans who are not perfect and prone to mistakes. We all have our favourite teams, players. We all have teams and players we openly cheer against. It is impossible to seperate passion and emotion from the games.

How we react to sports has an affect on our persona our physical and mental health. People go to extremes when their team wins or loses. In my favorite sport real football (Soccer) Brazil has long been considered the best and most successful country in the world. Yet every 4 years when the World Cup is played and Brazil doesn't win the title the suicide rate increaes for a few weeks. They last won in 2002. Four World Cups have come and gone. That is a lot of deaths by suicide.

I have played and been associated with teams in soccer, basketball, hockey and rugby. Had tough loses and emotional wins. Went through the gambit of emotions each tine out. When I watch my favourite teams play, I cheer passionately and have learned to accept defeat if that is the end result.

Enjoy the game, cheers good plays when they happen and accept the result no matter what it is. Sports is life and life is sports.

Let's Talk Everyday Not Just January 30.

Here in Canada tomorrow is Bell Let's Talk Day. It is a day of national awareness, education and fundraising for mental health by Canada's largest telecom provider. They will donate 5 cents from every text message sent on this day to mental health agencies across Canada.

Their ad campaign has been running all month showing employees talking and sharing about mental health with fellow employees and their managers. I commend Bell for this initiative however, it is only one day. People like myself, deal with mental health issues every day. It is an everyday and everyone issue. Mental health needs the resources of companies not just for one day of the year, however, for every day of the year.

I recently took 2 weeks off for mental health me time. It was refreshing, restorative and reflective. I am also glad that I had the support of my employer to allow me to do this.

I had never done this before, circumstances over the last month led me to that decision. In telling people I was amazed and humbled at the support I received.

Tomorrow and the days that follow think about the millions of people who are dealing with mental health issues every day and continue to offer support, to be positive and kind and walk a mile in some  one else's shoes. We all have a story to share. Allow the people to share their story. Healing comes from sharing. Sharing scatters seeds and creates abundance.

So let's talk not just tomorrow, however, everyday of the year and every year.