Sometimes I Am A Fraud

The beauty and curse of being a human being is that we are deeply flawed. We make mistakes and we make the same mistakes over and over again. When this happens we embarrass ourselves and those we are with. I am sorry for my actions.

Case in point, my sweetie and I were playing a friendly game of poker with friends. Our monthly game, a modest 20$ buy in with one rebuy before break if needed. I was playing well when over a couple of hands I let my emotions get the better of me. My anger came out when I lost 2 hands. I said some choice words that I wished I could have back.  

Over what, it was not a life and death situation, it was not for millions. Not that these scenarios give it free reign to be angry. I have a problem that I continue to work on. Thankfully my sweetie calls me on this every time. 

Unfortunately, actions have ripple effects and consequences for bigger implications. I keep on making the same mistakes because the life lesson isn't learned. 

This is why I think I am a fraud. I talk about being kind and positive at every opportunity and when push comes to shove I can't even do it in social settings. My social graces are in need of a makeover. Where do we learn social graces from. It starts at home and spreads out word. 

I used to think that being angry was a family trait. I know now it is learned behaviour and with any learned behaviour it can be changed. It is a process and whenever my anger comes out it affects those around me and those closest to me. I am deeply sorry about this and vow to do better. I need help with this and I will get the required help I need before any more damage is done. I have already ruined one friendship because of this and do not want to ruin the relationships closest to me. My sweetie, her family, and especially my amazing grandson. 

Through pain cones healing. I do not want to continue this path where my anger can rear its ugly head at any moment. I am better than this. 

What I like about Winnipeg?

There is a lot to like about Winnipeg. It has been my home for 51 years. When I tell people where I came from, there reaction is " What the bloody heck are you doing here"? When I say I came along for the ride, they say "Why do you stay"?

My father got a professorship teaching history at the University Of Manitoba. In the marketing package he was given while being wooed the University described the Winnipeg winters as cool and invigorating.

I can attest that in January when the wind is howling and it is -30, there nothing cool and invigorating about it.

We immigrated in 1968 from Australia. In 50 years the city has changed. The vibrancy, the flavour of the city has evolved. We are 800,000 people strong and diverse. We have the largest Filipino population in Canada. We have a strong Ukrainian prescence. On some streets you can find a wide variety of languages other than English and French being spoken. Speaking of our French community, we have the largest population west of Quebec.

We are community minded, always prepared to help out whenever needed. We are rich in sports, culture, the arts. We are rich in parks, green space, largest per capita concentration of golf courses in North America. Assiniboine Park is the cities largest and houses our world famous zoo with its magnificent Journey to Churchill exhibit. A leader in Polar Bear research.

Our Forks area at the junction of the cities rivers is a vibrant meeting place with market, shops, restaurants. The children's museum and world class museum for Human Rights. Across the river is the St boniface cathedral. My favourite place in Winnipeg. At sunset the magical colours of the night light up the cathedral. It's cemetery is the resting place for many of Western Canada's founders including Louis Riel. A multi kilometre river walk stretches along both rivers.

I speak to middle and high schools sharing my mental health story. I have seen the ethnic diversity of our city through the eyes of the students. How diverse and rich the city is. The beauty of a city is the people who live here and we are a beautiful city. We are kind, generous and conservative and liberal all at the same time.

Years ago, I felt like leaving and going back home, not anymore. I love living here.

Listening To Your Body

My body aches. I have fallen on the ice several times over the last couple of weeks. I am sore on the upper left arm, my left hip and right thigh  and knee area.

What this tells me I am not as young as I used to be. In 2 and a half weeks I am turning 55, the double nickel. Senior discounts at a number of places kick in at this age. I can hardly wait. I am looking forward to being carded.  The last time I was carded was in 1991 at the Metrodome in Minneapolis for an NFL game. I went to buy a beer and they carded me. I had ID proving that I was of age. However, our provincial driver's license didn't have photo ID. No beer for me. Soon after we got picture ID for driver's license.

The last week has been a struggle for me. I was not practising self care. I was being fearful of everything.  Yesterday and today were better days. Feeling more confident on the drive in to work. Had a good productive day, got multiple tasks done. Let's hope the rest of the week goes as well.

Depression is a real bitch at times. It throws you for a loop.  It is an internal power struggle your brain has with itself. Depression says no one cares for you, no one supports you, no one wants to see you get better. You are better off being depressed. On the other hand your inner strength is fighting the depression off with positive, supportive talk, self care and action.

Sometimes the depression wins, it saps the energy out of you. Sometimes the only strength you have is to wake up and get out of bed. Other times it will not even let you do that. I get it why people self harm or die by suicide. It is to stop the pain or deflect the pain. I have never self harmed, however, I did seriously contemplate taking my own life. I was away on vacation, I had a plan. I really believed no one would have cared if I ever returned.

What stopped me. A news story about a reunion between a father and his son. I reached out to my father. When I picked up the phone to call him, my whole body was shaking. He answered on the third ring. My voice said it all. No judgement, he asked what can I do to help you. He helped saved the rest of my trip.  I love and miss him. He has been gone 14 years now. He is never very far from my thoughts. Keep on watching over me.

Our body and mind tells us how we are feeling, thinking. It tells the story of my life. Everyone has a story. We don't know what people are going through. Life is simple, be kind, be positive, listen to your body.

Self Care

What is self care? It is doing things to take care of oneself when depression hits.  It can be simple things like taking a shower, reading a book, going for a walk, watching TV.  I am a good promoter of self care. I encourage myself and others to practice.

Well the last week I have been promoting self care, however, not practicing it. I haven't shaved since last week. Haven't had a shower for a week. Do I stink, hopefully not. I have washed my hair and body washed. 

Why haven't I been doing self care. I am struggling. I am feeling vulnerable and afraid. Especially at night time. I can't explain it. I am fearful of driving at night. I start to tense up. I go slower than usual. I am fearful of walking. I have fallen a couple of times. So far only my pride has been hurt.

Four years ago, I fell on the ice, my ankle rolled under my leg and the tibia broke. Three days later I was having surgery. Eight weeks later I was back at work. I was really hoping to be back at work within a week or two at most. 

Each time I have fallen I was thinking the worst, however, I bounced right back only with a few aches and pains. My mind flashed back laying on the ground in excruciating pain. I knew I had hurt myself. Two people saw me fall rushed to my aid. I was too proud to admit help. After sitting on the ground for a minute got back up walked a block to my car and drove to my office. Once at my desk the shock, pain sank in. I was driven to urgent care. Within ten minutes an X-ray was taken. Yep broken ankle.

In the four years haven't thought about it except when I see someone in a walking boot and empathize by saying I know what that is like. Recovering, I practised self care every day. It ended up being a watershed momont for me. Like my depression I embraced it and was positive with it. I owe my recovery to my rock, my soulmate, my sweetheart Shelley. She was there for me and is still here for me.

Self care is important for our livelihood, for our well being. It is easy to do, yet can be so hard. Weeks like this one make it so hard. 

Super Bowl (Bore) Sunday

it is Super Bowl Sunday and for the first time in years I gave zero interest in watching. The New England Patriots are making it annual ritual to play in this game. They are up against the upstart Los Angeles Rams who are a good team however, got here through a blown officiating call in their previous game.

The Pats are led by an ageless wonder some might call him the greatest in the game (Tom Brady). He is an amazing player. He is arrogant, cocky and he knows it. That is what makes him a polarizing figure. No middle ground, you either love him or hate him.

Their coach is the same way except Bill Belichick has small aloof gruff personality. He is short in press conferences. One word answers. He looks like he would rather be anywhere else than on a football field. Yet he is a great coach and knows it and comes across that way. He doesn't care what people think of him.

I have heard people say you have to fail a few times to be successful. Look at one of the greatest US president of all time Abraham Lincoln. He ran for public office 9 times after losing the previous 8. Brady was drafted in the 9th round out of Michigan. Had mediocre stats in college. Belichick was fired from his 2 previous head coaching gigs with New York Jets and Cleveland Browns.

People don't like others who repeatedly succeed, when this happens they question whether they cheated or not. Look up Deflategate and Spygate on Google. Brady and Belichick come up. Did they cheat, probably not. Did they find loopholes within the legality of the rules probably yes.

I love watching sports all types except baseball (two people playing catch). Sports has winners and losers.  Sports has great plays and great players. Sports has officials to make sure rules are followed. Sports has humans who are not perfect and prone to mistakes. We all have our favourite teams, players. We all have teams and players we openly cheer against. It is impossible to seperate passion and emotion from the games.

How we react to sports has an affect on our persona our physical and mental health. People go to extremes when their team wins or loses. In my favorite sport real football (Soccer) Brazil has long been considered the best and most successful country in the world. Yet every 4 years when the World Cup is played and Brazil doesn't win the title the suicide rate increaes for a few weeks. They last won in 2002. Four World Cups have come and gone. That is a lot of deaths by suicide.

I have played and been associated with teams in soccer, basketball, hockey and rugby. Had tough loses and emotional wins. Went through the gambit of emotions each tine out. When I watch my favourite teams play, I cheer passionately and have learned to accept defeat if that is the end result.

Enjoy the game, cheers good plays when they happen and accept the result no matter what it is. Sports is life and life is sports.