I Am Still Here

Twenty years ago today, I almost left this earth by my own hand.  It was Easter weekend, I was on vacation in and around Las Vegas. I was by myself and no I didn’t blow all my money on the slots or at the roulette table.

I was feeling very low and despondent and not enjoying myself. I was walking around in a stupor. I thought here I am in the middle of nowhere far from home, no one would ever care if I came home.

I had a plan and prepared myself to carry it out. I went to go watch a movie American Psycho. Good movie however, probably not the best choice given how I was feeling at the time. After the movie, I went back to the hotel and closed the curtains turn off the lights had a towel in my hand that I clenching and wringing furiously. The TV was on and I could hear CNN and they were showing live coverage of a reunion between a little boy and his father.

I reached out to my father. I picked up the phone to dial, it rang and rang and then my Dad answered in his booming voice. As soon as I spoke he knew something was wrong and asked how can I help, what do you need.  I told him and he helped save the remaining days of my vacation. I thanked him and for the last 5 years of his life we had an extremely close bond. We would have lunches regularly. We would watch sporting events in particular soccer games together. I loved my father and miss him every day.

The other person who I owe my life to is that little boy being reunited with his father. That little boy Elian Gonzalez is a courageous boy now young man who is happily married and living in Cuba. However, back in 2000, he was an unwitting pawn in a diplomatic game that ended up in the US Supreme Court.

The last 20 years have been an incredible journey of life, learning and opportunities some that I took others passed me by.  Especially the last 10 years. See I found my soulmate, true unconditional love, doors were opened and I walked through them gaining confidence and a new outlook on life.

I have increased my passion for sports all sports added curling to the mix as favourite sports. During this time of global pandemic, I am missing my sports, my daily fix, through games live and on tv, following scores, betting and reading about the games. I am very optimistic that when we do get back to playing sports athletes will no longer take the fans for granted. They will view fans in a different light. They have seen who the real stars are and we thank those stars everyday. They have kept us alive, and going through this crisis.

I have a wonderful partner, I am a grandparent a stepfather. I have a great circle of friendships. I have many varied interests and volunteer opportunities. One of my volunteer opportunities is sharing my mental health journey with middle and high school students. Last year, after speaking to a class one of students wrote a comment that said I am so glad you didn’t end your life because you wouldn’t be here to share your story of hope and inspiration.

Life is a journey not a destination and even though once I wanted to end it. I know now that I still have a lot of life left in me. I want to grow old with my sweetie by my side. Love you Shelley. I want to see my stepchildren(love you Gerry and Kelsey) be the best they can be and I want to be there for my grandson(Oliver Ollie) at all the best moments of his life.

Life is full of ups and downs, good and bad, positive and negative. Take it all in. I learn from my mistakes and rejoice in my success. Be kind at all times. I am still here and hopefully will be for many more years to come.

Feeling Vulnerable

I am feeling vulnerable and have been since the world stopped in mid March. Feeling vulnerable after a friend of mine contracted and recovered from COVID. Feeling vulnerable upon hearing an acquaintance of mine was one of the deaths from COVID. Feeling vulnerable every time I have a cough, sneeze or fever that I am going to contract COVID.

My anxiety and depression some days are through the roof. I reach out to 3 friends everyday to see how they are doing. I am doing my best a physical distancing. I wear a mask when entering a store to go grocery shopping. I am missing my sports, my volunteer opportunities. I miss going to the bar for drinks, catching a game. I miss dealing and playing poker. I have trouble sleeping.

I am feeling vulnerable that the things I like most may never return. This vulnerability caused me to reach out to my counsellor and my Nurse Practitioner seeking remedies and solutions. Their advice and suggestions were much appreciated.

I am blessed to have a roof over my head and food on the table. I am blessed to have an awesome partner in my life. I am blessed to have a grandson and stepdaughter to talk to a couple of times a week. It is great to hear that little boy’s voice.  Shelley last night reminded me of last year when he stayed with us. We were both tired and went to bed early. Ollie comes and gets his blocks and plays quietly on the bed until he falls asleep. I love him so much and can’t wait to see him and hug him. Hopefully soon.

I am feeling vulnerable as we think and support the great people of Nova Scotia who are reeling in the aftermath of the terrible mass shooting (the worst in Canadian History). The perpetrator was a man in his early 50’s who was a professional and business owner. Seemed like me, that is what I am feeling vulnerable about. We will probably never know the reasons.

I am feeling vulnerable seeing images of Caucasian males and females armed to the hilt protesting on the steps of capital buildings and the orange menace dumpster fire egging them on. I hope we are more even keeled that this type of protest will not happen here. Then again I didn’t expect a mass shooting in Canada either.

Even though I am feeling vulnerable, I am also feeling optimistic, encouraged by the fact that most of us are doing our part to flatten the curve. I am feeling optimistic that some countries have flattened the curve. New Zealand I am looking at you for being the example of how it can be done. No surprise they are lead by an extraordinary leader Jacinda Arden.

I am feeling optimistic that some of the physical distancing measures put in place are here to stay and they are long overdo.

Stay at home, stay healthy, stay safe, be kind, be supportive. We will get through this and be better, stronger and more humane.

Did The Easter Bunny Come?

Happy Easter everyone. How are we dealing with staying home, staying safe? I admit I am enjoying and hating this at the same time. I am still working. I spend my evenings and weekends at home watching Netflix, reading, doing crosswords, drinking shandies and spending time with my sweetie.

My mind wanders and when it does my anxiety kick in.  Whenever I sneeze or cough, I think am I getting sick. I don’t have a fever so I am fine.

I have a friend who developed COVID and he has since recovered. He returned in mid March from an epic driving adventure with his family. I have known him for about 25 years, however, our friendship only developed over the last five years. It is a very strong bond.

My friends are small in quantity and huge in quality. I cherish my interaction with each and everyone of them. They are the type of friends who if you call at 3:00 am they ask how can I help you not why are you calling. The support, love and respect we have for each other is special. Now more than ever it is important to check in and maintain contact. When this is all over the things settle down to the normal the new normal we will celebrate and revel in each other’s company. I will wait and cherish these moments.

The new normal will be limited number of people in shops and stores. Limited number of people in restaurants and theatres. Sporting events will return under physical distancing protocols. We will forever be indebted to our front line workers who kept life churning and saving lives.

What we considered important or who we considered important is changing. The last to change will be the people who thought they were the most important. They are the least likely to adapt to the new normal. Waiting in line to enter a store will be considered beneath them.

I think of when this is over and how the world is changing. I think of how practising good MentalHealth will have gotten me through this. The three things I am missing our giving my grandson and stepdaughter a huge hug not wanting to let go. I am missing my daily ordeal of sports all aspects and I am missing hands on volunteering with my many organizations.

I am longing for the end of this, hopefully by September. Stay Strong, stay healthy, stay home, stay positive and be kind always.

I Am Grieving Today

Today is April 6, 2020 day 23 of physical distancing, doing our part to flatten the curve. I go to work, I come home. On weekends, I come home Friday and don’t leave the house until Monday morning.  The highlight of the past week when I went to get meds from the pharmacy and found toilet paper on the shelf.  I felt like I had won the lottery.

I am grieving several things today. Today would have been the championship of college basketball. I would be at a bar with friends cheering and watching. Instead I am reliving great championship moments. The first championship I watched was 1979 final won by Kentucky over Duke. That day I became a Kentucky fan. I remember Michael Jordan’s game winning shot in 1982 for UNC over Georgetown. The 1985 perfect game upset Villanova over Georgetown. 1983 NCST upset over Houston with Jim Valvano running all over the court looking for someone to hug. 1990 UNLV annihilate Duke 102-73 largest margin of Victory. 1996 Kentucky 36-2 the Untouchables start of 3 straight title game appearances. Lost in 1997 to Arizona and beat Utah in 1998. Who can forget Gordon Hayward half court heave that bounced out or else Butler would have won over Duke in 2010. Sadly this year no tournament.

I am also grieving today on the 2nd anniversary of the Humboldt Bus Crash which took 16 lives and touched the fabric of Canada deeply. Almost everyone could relate to riding the buses for games, camps, music festivals, dance recitals and on and on. I hurt badly that day and for the days that came afterwards. I was numb. Couldn’t move from my home for days. I wept and remembered the bus rides I took for basketball, soccer, rugby and hockey games across the prairies. In small towns the local junior hockey teams were revered. They became the soul and heartbeat of the town. The players were stars. The tragedy galvanized the country, within hours a Go Fund Me page was set up and raised over $16 million. It was dispersed to all the families affected. Hockey sticks were left out on porch’s for the boys. Everyone in Canada was affected by the tragedy and still are.

I am grieving today missing sports on a daily basis. Watching games live or on TV, following the scores, read stories and do sports wagering. Hockey, basketball playoffs would be starting, Soccer seasons winding down and gearing up. Spring is a busy sports time and I miss it. 3 Hall of Farmers died this weekend. Al Kaline played all 22 years with Detroit Tigers, 10 Gold Gloves over 3,000 hits.
Bobby Mitchell halfback Cleveland Browns and was first black player in Washington Football history. Was VP of football operations after career ended and was passed over for GM because of his colour. He spent post football career championing equally throughout the DC community. Tom Dempsey born with no right toes had a great career as a place kicker for New Orleans Saints. Had a special shoe. Kicked straight on and held the record for longest field goal in NFL at 63 yards in 1970 until it was surpassed in 2013.

Keep safe, physical distancing and stay home. We will come through this better and stronger.

We Will Get Through This

How is everyone doing? I tell you my confidence is shaken, my mental health wavers. Somedays I feel like we can beat this soon. Other days like today, we have another 25 confirmed COVID 19 cases. A sobering reality, that it may get worse before it gets better.

The real heroes are the front line staff, health care workers, truck drivers, grocery store cashiers, maintenance and custodians. This virus is non discriminatory and affects everyone. The so called important people are learning that they are not as important now as they thought they were. The people with money and power are finding out that they are not that powerful or valuable as they thought.

We will get through this and than life will return to normal or some variation of normal. We all have a role to play.  That role is to stay at home, no unnecessary trips or errands to run. This one is hard for me, my wife says I love running errands. This is true.

It has always been said that when times get tough, true leaders and friends emerge. We are seeing evidence of this on all levels. Many people are stepping up and helping out. Businesses are repurposing to meet the demand.

Even if we can’t physically see people and socialize, social media is a great way to stay connected. Reach out to at least 3 people in your network each day. It is great for our mental health. If you have a balcony, backyard go outside for a few minutes.

We overlook a creek and the geese have come back. It is great to hear them and see them interact. It’s the little things that matter and make a difference. We can and will get through this. Hopefully by September. Cheers everyone and STAY Safe and POSITIVE.