Tone Deaf (US version)

 The pandemic has been raging throughout the world for about 9 months. Some countries are doing better than others like NewZealand, Finland, Iceland, Taiwan, South Korea. Then there is our neighbours to the south. The United States of America who pride themselves on being the greatest country in the world. And proceeds to tell us at every opportunity.

The pandemic has exposed the United States as nothing more than a third world at times. Racial reckoning, no middle class, people lining up for hours to vote. Having volunteers instead of paying staff to work on Election Day. I could go on, however, I think the point is made. There are rich states and poor states. Places you can go and mention the civil rights movement and people will go what civil rights movement. A country that cares more about the second amendment than ensuring that people have affordable let alone universal health care. 

Politicians more concerned with ramming through an unqualified judge who will be a Republican puppet on the Supreme Court than providing a stimulus package for average Americans so they can pay rent, put food on the table and pay for medications. I am looking at you Mitch McConnell, Lindsay Graham and the Dumpster Fire in the Oval Office. You are all tone deaf. You have been in denial for months and the Dumpster Fire for his whole term. More concerned with lining your own pockets than the concerns of real Americans.

The Dumpster Fire is at the top of the list. He is mean spirited among other things. He doesn’t care about the American people especially his base. He only cares about people with the same last name as him. The other day he said if Iowa doesn’t vote Republican he will never come there again. You would have never gone to Iowa if you were not President. He holds massive rallies with no social distancing or mask wearing and than says I get tested every day I am fine. Well buddy. Every time he speaks he lies and he does it to rile up his base who he doesn’t care about  as Joe Biden says “Come On Man”

His son in law Jared Kushner, no experience, no business training. A slum landlord who inherited from his family and married into an even more narcissistic family. Spouting off whatever comes your way because you thing everyone is beneath you and you are smarter than everyone and they will believe you blindly  

Kim Kardashian West took her family and friends to a private island for her 40th birthday. Flaunting your wealth  just because you can doesn’t mean you should. The whole family has made a fortune out of doing nothing. The first societal influencers. They have millions of followers trying to become influencers via social media.

Justin Turner LA Dodgers third baseman an arrogant self absorbed narcissist in every way. He tests positive for COVID  during the last baseball game of the year. He is ordered out of the game and told to isolate. Instead he returns to the field wearing a mask and celebrating his team’s championship and then takes his mask off and sits front and centre for team photo. Thank you for the super spreading the virus.

Everyone I have mentioned is tone deaf, white privileged narcissists who only care about themselves. It is true during times of great strife people show their true colours. Some rise to the occasion and some sadly display no logic, conscience in their actions. I am looking at you the COVID deniers, anti maskers, anti vaccines. No one is going to tell me what I can and cannot do where I have to wear a mask, 

The reality is the pandemic is with us well into next year. There is no going back to normal, there is a new normal with social distancing, mask wearing, following restrictions. Be kind to ourselves and others, respect ourselves and others. We are all in this together  

Come on People, We Can Do Better

 For the 10th day in a row the number of cases has been triple digits in Manitoba. COVID has spiked and appears to not be slowing down. We know what has to be done. It is as if we are paying lip service. Acknowledging what has to done and agreeing to it yet have no intention on following through. 

This is just like people I know who will say things to placate me yet have no intention of following through. Saying what they think I want to hear to get me to shut up. So annoying. Not to mention the gaslighting. Making it out to be my fault. This is a common theme of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).

 All my life I have been dealing with narcissism. People deliberately flaunting the rules, laws of public health is narcissism on a grand scale. In the past couple of days we have heard stories of people flaunting, gaslighting the rules. Examples, going to faith based meetings than going to Personal Care Home (PCH) causing an outbreak. A young adult who tested positive going to a house party with 50+ people. Another person symptomatic and going to work and spreading the disease. Unconsciously, soulless narcissists who only care about themselves. Flaunting their ability to show how important they are. 

We have COVID outbreaks in PCH’s Not surprising that they are all run by the same company. This is what happens when you sacrifice service for profits. We also look for direction to afar. However, south of the border this is what happens when you foolishly vote a known narcissist, misogynistic, bully, blowhard and racist who only cares about himself and anyone with his last name. Sorta of like other people I know. He gives a superspreader rally at an airport in sub zero temperatures causing the people who showed up to experience hypothermia. He continues to downplay every aspect of this pandemic. He has no plan other than continuing to line his own pockets and those of his immediate family. He doesn’t care about anyone else. 

If we have this mentality existing in today’s society we will be dealing with this pandemic for years. There is no going back to the way things were. We have to accept the new normal. The new normal is social distancing, wearing a mask and following the rules of the public health agencies. They have nothing to gain by misleading anyone. Our mental, physical and emotional health will be better for it. At least one doctor dies by suicide every day in the USA. This is not a statistic to be proud of  

I work in community public health and am deemed essential. Some days I force myself to go to work. Today was one of those days. I work hard everyday to maintain my physical health. I have underlying health conditions that put me at higher risk. With everything happening around us it is much harder to stay mentally and physically well. They are both so intrinsically entwined. The key to good mental health is good physical health and vice versa. We can all do better we are all in this together. 

My Anxiety Is...

 Over the last couple of months my anxiety has been and continues to be through the roof. My anxiety takes control over my body when I lay down to go to sleep. My anxiety races all over the place at a frenetic pace. It is like a bull in a china shop except the bull is inside me and the china shop are my emotions running amok. 

I have to get up and take sleeping medication to calm my body, my heart rate down so I can sleep. I am scared and full of fear. Some nights have been sleepless, some nights I awake at 3 or 4 and can’t go back to sleep. I don’t usually remember my dreams, now good or bad I am remembering my dreams and some are quiet vivid and intense. A couple of weeks ago i dreamt that I was stalking the Dumpster Fire. I felt nauseous and awoke in a cold sweat. Ugh.

My wife for years has been saying I am a bull in a china shop. I am loud, have a heavy foot (not the speeding kind), I walk loudly and I freeze at the worst possible time. Like feel immobile, can’t move. I have trouble processing information which leads to freezing which leads to withdrawing. I am afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Like digging a deeper hole to get myself out. Does it work No.

All it does is make me feel even worse about myself and makes me feel incapable. My anxiety spikes and runs amok internally. I do not want that bull to run amok. I do not want to live in fear of my anxiety. I want to embrace it and turn it around so that it can work in my favour. I know this will not happen all the time it will get the better of me, however, I want to be in the place where this is the exception rather than the rule. I don’t want the bull in the china shop. I want the playful puppy. 

I know I can do this because I overcame a fear of heights. The CN tower has a glass floor on their observation level 103 floors up. I would see children sitting on the glass floor looking down. Just the mere sight of the glass floor I would convulse and hug the walls. In 2016 my last trip up to this floor I stood on the glass floor and even looked down for a few seconds and I didn’t hug the walls. Progress. Small baby steps. 

It will not be easy yet I can do it with small baby steps. I want to stand up to that bull(y) and not live in fear. Just watch me. 

Staycation 2020

 Vacation week has come to an end. I did a lot and at the same did nothing. I guess this is the definition of a staycation. 

I learnt how to make perogies, bananas foster, egg drop soup. I was surprised at the simplicity and complexity of them all. We did some housework (it is not our strengths). We went car shopping and hopefully by the end of October have new wheels. 

I donated blood for the 33rd time. The new reality is no walk in appointments, mask requirements. They do not take your blood pressure. Temperature is taken upon entry and social distancing at its finest. Once the screening period is over from the time they stick the needle in to finish the pint of blood 6 minutes. 

They check your hemoglobin and the threshold for males is 130. I rocked it with a cool 139. The sad reality is I have been under this threshold and have to endure the walk of shame on several occasions. Every time this leads to a certain amount of anxiety. Will I or not make the threshold. When I do it is a major success. I started donating blood on a whim. Shelley is a regular donor over 75 times. She asked me to come with her November 10th, 2012. It had snowed overnight and roads were treacherous. I agreed reluctantly. However, I wanted to support her. It was important to her. I thought misguided that I wouldn’t qualify because of Type 2 diabetes. I was amazed at how seamless it all was. When the donor assistant said after my pint that I have saved up to 3 lives that sealed it for me. For the next several years until 2018 we made this a every 56 day morning date event. The staff got to know us and welcomed our visit. 

What changed in 2018 was the parameters. The hemoglobin threshold changed and man could now donate every 56 days and women every 80 days. Unfortunately we have to donate separately. Our favourite donor assistant referenced this yesterday commenting that I was solo. 

Thank you Shelley for encouraging me to donate and to overcome my fear of the experience.  Thank you for showing me a few foods to make and some I had never heard of. Some days I truly think that I was raised by wolves. I was not taught showed basic skills liking cooking, cleaning and others that show up in our relationship periodically. Sometimes I think I am the stupidest person on earth and am the idiot little brother. I was raised to live in fear and be scared of the boogeymen.  

The reality is there is no boogeymen and again thank you Shelley for leading me out of the dark and into the light. This week was Canadian Thanksgiving and I am blessed and grateful to have her as my soulmate, my partner the love of my life. Her family has embraced me and I have the most amazing grandson in the world. I am blessed and grateful to have an amazing group of friends support network around me. We check in with each other on a regular basis. I love you all. I am blessed and grateful for my career and the excellent team I work with. The amount of opportunities, interests keeps me inspired and grounded. 

2020 has been a trying year for many many reasons, however, it has also given us all an opportunity to appreciate the little things. To recognize how important family is and family is whoever you make it out to be. Family is support, love, admiration for one another. This week has also been a tough one personally. I lost my uncle, a good friend and a friends father. F..k cancer. I attended my first virtual funeral. 

Everyone has a story to tell and a story we may know nothing about. At all times be respectful and kind. Karma works in mysterious ways allow it. Peace and love to all. 

Blessed and Grateful

 Today is Thanksgiving. In this weirdest of years there is a lot to be grateful and blessed. I am grateful for my amazing and beautiful soulmate. We complete each other. I am also blessed to have two incredibly diverse and talented stepchildren. They are carving their niche in totally different areas of life and location. I am grateful and blessed to have the most adorable and amazing grandson in all the world. Yes I am slightly biased. 

He is 4 and a half and started preschool which he loves. He is unabashed. The next school day he announces to some older boys. “ Hey Ollie’s back”. When Shelley and I see other little toddlers we say to ourselves he/she is cute yet not Ollie cute.

I am blessed to have an amazing support network that I can reach out to whenever and they reach back whenever. One of our friends dropped off  homemade Cabbage Rolls at 1030 last night. We turn them into soup and it was delicious. 

We had a vegan dinner, roast yam, with leeks, carrots, beets, turnips and onions. Years ago I would never have thought of having a vegan dinner. I am grateful that I am able to explore new foods without repercussions or negative chatter from my birth family. The key is to tune them out. 

I am blessed and grateful to live in a country where I am able to freely express my opinion. I am aware of my white male privilege and admit I have taken advantage of it. I am also more aware of the marginalized and oppressed communities within our society. We all know better so we can all do better. 

This has been the weirdest of years  The pandemic, to racial reckoning on both sides of the border. The American election has divided the country and in some aspects the world. It is sad to see how unhinged the current President is. It is a train wreck where you cannot look away. The next revelation is bigger than the last one. Thankfully the end is near however come on America this is the best you can come up with two Septuagenarians.

Overall, my mental health has wavered up down and all around. A couple of months ago I felt like checking out (albeit fleeting). My sweetie especially knows when I start to waver downward. She sees it in me. I become angry, irritable and as Shelley says “ Old Andrew Comes Out”. It is not a pleasant experience. We talk and I practice self care and I connect with my support network. 

Be kind, be respectful, support one another. Don’t let the little things get to you. Control what you can. Bad and good days will happen. I am blessed and grateful for my family, my friends, my activities, hobbies, interests, my career  Happy Thanksgiving