A Very Unmerry Christmas

 I am glad that Christmas is done for another year. I was really looking forward to it this year. Our grandson and daughter were going to be here for it. We had taken him to the Winter Wonderland and the Zoo to see the glorious light display. Played in the snow. Ollie decorated and the first time in years we put up a Christmas tree. I even decorated my cubicle at work. 

Everyone at work knew me as the office Scrooge. Yeah I wore it with a badge of honor. This year was going to be different. It is hard to be a Scrooge with a 5 year old going on 40 grandson. So I pivoted and I liked it. I felt on top of the world. One of my colleagues said when you talk about your grandson your eyes light up, voice is animated and have a smile of genuine happiness. Yes definitely. I love talking about my grandson. He is the best and always will be. Am I slightly biased, definitely. 

Than it all went sideways. For reasons unknown, our daughter decided she wanted to go home. Let’s say it wasn’t a friendly leave, there was acrimony and animosity and harsh words. They left. The day before they left. I asked her if anything could change her mind and what I can do to support her. She didn’t answer the first question, for the second one she ask me to drive her to the border. Well that wasn’t going to happen. 

The next day I went to work and felt my anxiety increase by the minute. I felt like if anyone said anything to me I would tell them to f…off. A couple of my colleagues noticed something not right. Not a good feeling to have. I saw my Nurse Practitioner the next day and she granted me a mental health break. I am on leave until early January. 

The main emotion I feel is sadness. Overwhelming sadness. Tears have welled up several occasions. It has been real hard, sleep has been affected, daily living has been affected even more so than COVID. My wife is feeling the same way. 

Christmas Eve and Day was tough. We didn’t feel like doing anything. We thought albeit briefly about canceling our annual Sals feast. We went ahead with it and as usual was exceptional. Lasted 3 meals. Sadness prevailed all day. Oh what could have been. I messaged our daughter to see if we could FaceTime with Ollie. No response. It hurts, sucks. We are praying and holding out trust that the situation will improve in 2022. 

I went to a peer support group last week and will go again this week. EAP appointment next week and Psychologist appt the following week. Trying to keep busy. My wife had me move furniture around yesterday and change positions of the furniture already moved around. 

Thankfully we have wonderful support networks. I have been in contact with KB and DK on a daily basis. Thank you and love you both. 

When I have idle thoughts the emotion is sadness. Have tried to keep myself busy. Practicing self care. It is not always working. My wife and I have had some choice moments. 

I want to be well enough to return to work in the new year. Have some work to do to ensure this happens. 

Being Free

 We are blessed to have our exceptional grandson with us. He is so free and full of love and joy. The other day we were playing in the snow for several hours. We made snow angels, had a snowball and stick fight. 

He says let’s pretend we are pirates seeking treasure. He had buried his Spider-Man toque in the snow and now we had to find it. It didn’t take us long. He loves inventing games to play and also he loves Pokémon.  He said did you see the Pokémon let’s catch it. I went along and soon we are both catching imaginary objects and pretending to see things that are not there. Or are they. 

I marvel at my Grandson every day. He is 5 and a half going on 40. His mom calls him my adult child. I was telling the Outreach Worker at work about Ollie and she says I can see your face and voice light up when you mention his name. 

How instinctive playtime is. I started thinking back to my childhood and sadly can’t remember playing in the snow. No building snowman, no snowsuit. I see now how much fun I missed out on. That evening we went to see the Winter Wonderland lights. It was only -4 so I wore shorts. I could hear my mothers voice saying put on some pants it’s too cold to wear shorts and I will not let you go outside dressed like that. 

I am watching Ollie play quietly around our home.  Being so good and so respectful. Inventing games and seeing them play out. Not a care in the world. I wish I were a 5 year old again. Life was so much simpler.

When You Least Expect It…

 That is when depression rears it’s head and kicks you where you don’t want it. This happened to me today, on what was a happy day. My favourite sports team had a dominant win over there most hated rival. On what was the 11 anniversary of me being diagnosed with depression. A day that helped change my life and lead me to be the person I am today. More confident, less angry, and much happier person. 

My wife and I were watching her favourite sport curling. Our favourite team was playing against our least favourite team and what started out as one sided ended up being a closer score than needed. Our team won. Watching the game I became triggered and starting yelling at the tv, calling out names unsuitable for regular conversation. 

I was not me, I was the old me. It set me into a bad path for the next several hours. I was triggered. What I have come to know is that certain types of people trigger me. It can be their presence, their words or actions. It can last hours like today or days. 

My wife and I talked it out and I went out and got some comfort food. Thank you comfort food. I trust my wife wholeheartedly. She always seems to have comforting words. Today and 11 years ago. That day changed my life. I became aware that I was dealing with depression undiagnosed and it was not an attractive look on me. 

Depression does not have a road map. It does have an agenda. It’s agenda is to trip you up. To make your life miserable. To tell you that you are not worthy, you are terrible, you are not loveable. It spews negative thoughts inside your head. It can be relentless. It comes out of nowhere to rear it’s ugly head. Sometimes I can recognize it like today and other times not so much and it lasts several days before I recognize it.

I have learnt to embrace it and accept it and deal with it and most importantly not let it win. However, long that takes. Next time I may not be as fortunate as today. 

Define Oneself

 I bought the bottom cup in June 2020, I think I am a pretty good Grampa and the person who it matters the most thinks I am pretty cool. In early 2021 the cup broke and was not salvageable. It was a sad moment to pick up the pieces and throw the mug away. What didn’t get thrown away was and is the special bond I have with my Grandson and memories.

For this year’s Father’s Day I bought the top cup and the first day I took it to work I hit the rail on the stairs and the handle broke. I thought for a second about throwing it out. Instead I took a picture and said to myself this is a metaphor for life. 

To say I am the Best Dad Ever is completely false. I am not even a Dad. I inherited two beautiful, creative and talented adults. One who has given us a beautiful grandson. Yes I now call my wife’s kids my daughter and son. Love them to the moon and back. 

I believe that we are all perfectly imperfect people. Flaws, warts and all and no one is the best or most perfect person. In fact, I like to tell whoever listens that the only perfect people are six feet under and they didn’t get there by being perfect. People who say they are perfectionists are fooling themselves. We all make countless mistakes each day. Only a few are noticed and rarely cause any harm or are serious enough to have a negative outcome. 

If you have ever seen the excellent movie Apollo 13, they called the mission a successful failure. The astronauts made it safely home after an accident, however, they didn’t reach the moon which was their goal.

I love my grandson and he knows I am not perfect. We have a great bond. The cup reminds me everyday that we are a work in progress striving to do the best we can each day.

What Is Your Secret?

 I was asked this question by a work colleague last week. I knew exactly what she was referring to. You see over the last 3 months, I have lost between 12-15 pounds. It is noticeable and this is what she was referring to. 

So What Is My Secret? Well a combination of things. I started a new med which one of the benefits is weight loss. I have been watching what I have been eating and drinking. More protein, less carbs. Drinking lots of water no juice, little soft drinks. I am walking and take the stairs at work. All of this has produced a positive change.

Today I weighed 184 the lowest in about 20 years. Every set of pants has to be worn with a belt or else pants will fall down. I have started wearing some shirts that were once too tight across the chest. 

I know one’s weight fluctuates between 2-5 pounds every day. I also know that weighing oneself everyday is not good either. I know lifestyle plays a huge part. I know that mental health also plays a huge role. I am in a good place right now.

I also know it is a process everyday. I have to take the good with the bad. 

Do I have work to do? Definitely, however, each day I am stepping toward the light at the end and it gets brighter with each step. 

The secret is no more. I am 12-15 pounds lighter and it feels like I am a 100 pounds lighter. 

Wisdom of a Five Yr Old

 This is my 200th blog post and we have just finished spending 3 weeks with our 5 yr young Grandson. The best boy in the world. We are just a little biased. 

Every day brought new wonder and joy. One of his favourite things was to walk a km to the play park. He called it the Nature Park. He went on the swing, climbed on the structure, went down the slide, played in the sandbox. He made friends with all the kids at the park. Whenever a new boy or girl would arrive he would go up and introduce himself and soon they were old friends.

Watching children play is so freeing. They don’t have a care in the world. They make up games, play old favourites like hide and seek and tag. We as parents or in our case Grandparents stood by happily watching them play. He would fall down and he would say I am okay and give the thumbs up. When it was time to leave we would ask him how much longer and he would say 16 or 19 minutes. Somehow he would know when the time was up and be ready to go. 

The same scenario would play out at the splash pad. Grandma would say you are going to get wet and he would say Grandma I got wet very wet with a huge smile on his face. Watching children play is a beautiful endeavour. 

Why do we feel the need to screw this up as they get older?

He loves watching Paw Patrol, Pokémon, Sonic X on Netflix. I learned about Pokémon and Pikachu and still have no clue. He loves to climb and build. Fearless and resilient. 

From feeding geese from our balcony to blowing bubbles. To standing on the balcony when it was smoky telling people and the geese to stay inside and be safe. Caring, compassionate and light years ahead of his age. He is also a great antidote for depression and anxiety. Our mental and physical health improved when he was here. We both lost weight and felt better mentally and emotionally.

The things he would say are definitely out of the mouths of babes. From “Grampa Do You Know What Time It Is, It’s Popcorn Time. To Grandma I Don’t Like It When You Wear Just Feet”. 

I showed him some pictures of me as a little boy and he tells his Mom; “ Did You Know That Grampa Was Once My Age”. 

He has gone back home now and whenever we are missing him we recall one of the countless memorable moments we made and look forward to our next visit. We Love our Little Man. 

People Who Need People…

 Over the last couple of weeks there have been horrific displays of hatred on a local, national and international stage. 

Last week a friend got on an elevator at the second floor to go down to the main floor. This older lady (a true battle axe) said to her you are fat and lazy for not walking down one flight of stairs. My friend started crying. The lady said get over yourself. What a nasty insensitive comment to make. Nobody deserves to be publicly shamed for any reason. I hope this lady looks deep in the mirror and gains some insight into her behaviour. I know it is wishful thinking.

The other night in Canada three generations of a family were out for a summer stroll when they were deliberately targeted by a pickup truck driven by a 20 yr old male. Only a 9 yr old boy survived. They were Muslim. How did this 20 yr obtain so much hate and disdain for people of colour and ethnicities. His life is ruined as was the family he targeted. What about the 9 yr old boy. The impact this tragedy will have on his life going forward. 

Naomi Osaka the top earning female athlete in history had to withdraw from a major tennis tournament because of her refusal to attend media sessions after her matches. Citing her depression and anxiety and deciding to prioritize her mental health over answering what most likely would have been inane questions. 

Admitting frailty is a sign of strength not weakness. She knew the type of questions would be similar to what she was asked about after winning the US Open last fall. She wore a different mask for each of her seven matches. Each mask highlighted a different victim of racial injustice in the USA. Did each of the victims want to be lightning rods. No, they all wanted to go home, lead productive lives and live their lives.

She was asked what message she was sending by wearing each mask. Her answer was the masks speak for themselves. Good on her. She is an amazing gifted talented athlete. She doesn’t not need to be shamed for who she is. 

We need to accept people for who they are and recognize that everyone is living a story we know nothing about. It’s simple Be Kind To Everyone at all times. Respect everyone. Do not shame or target anyone because of how they look, the colour of their skin, their ethnicity. “ Why Can’t We All Just Get Along”

Their is too much hatred, white privilege, and narcissism in the world. We know better so we can do better

Name It, Don’t Numb It

 May was Mental Health Awareness month and the slogan was Name It Don’t Numb It. So here we go. I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. I was formally diagnosed 11 years and put on medication. I am on Fluoxetine more commonly known as Prozac.  

This past 15 months has been a kick in the stomach. I can honestly say F..k COVID-19. However, here we are still complying with public health ordinances and staying within our bubble with my wife and I. Good thing we love each other very much. We have been each other’s rocks. We have pulled each other up on more occasions than we can count on all of our fingers. We have not turned on each other. Have we had our moments, for sure. 

The hardest part is not being able to do our regular activities like volunteering, visiting friends, and travelling. We miss our son and daughter and especially our grandson. Can hardly wait.

I work in the healthcare system and have been deemed essential and gone and continue to go to work. My role has stayed the same, the methodology behind my work has changed. We have been creative to continue to provide the great service to our clients. The nurses, health care aides, outreach workers, admin, doctor’s and managers have been very supportive and we have become a very close knit unit. 

My depression kicks in when I come home and don’t feel motivated to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. I do 5-10 minutes of vacuuming or cleaning and that’s it all I can handle. Sone days the dishes pile up and so does the laundry. 

My anxiety kicks in when I lay down to sleep and my mind races to every and anywhere. In order to sleep I take a sleep aide. Or I awake at 3 in the am and can’t go back to sleep. Makes for a long day. Prone to irritable and irrational thoughts and actions. I resort to releasing some inner tension. It works.

Over the last 2 months I made the decision to seek professional help. I have seen a psychologist and I have made a good connection with him.  I am delving into my past for a better future. 

I grew up the youngest of 3 boys and I was treated as the idiot little brother. I grew up being afraid and scared of everything. I was made to be insecure. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. My brothers talked over me and my mother ranted and raged about being a scorned women deserted by her husband. 

My father left when I was 15 and I became enmeshed with my mother. She stifled my growth, my feelings  which made it hard to develop lasting relationships especially with women. I feel like I have been trampled on as a result I have chronic low self esteem. 

The last several years I have been changing and for the better. It wasn’t until 5 years that I learned about unconditional love from my grandson. My wife has been my soulmate, a great support and is my voice of reason. I have changed my support network and have wonderful friends. One of the biggest awakenings was coming to terms that family is not blood. It is whoever is there for you when you are at your lowest. 

My motto for last year was to be kind, this years motto is don’t create drama where none exists. Each day I am following these mottos and most days I am succeeding. I will keep on Naming it not Numbing it by being open and authentic.

Power of the People

 The past two weeks have proven on multiple levels and many forms that the power of the people can enact change. 

Darnella Frazier is the young teenager who pulled out her cell phone and started videotaping the police officers brutal force and murder of George Floyd. Her video which went viral and was seen millions of times all over the world and also helped convict the police officer of 3 charges. 

The official police department release was that a man had a medical episode while in police custody. Without this young lady’s video the police officer would never have been charged and fired. 

Last week the 12 richest soccer clubs in the world proposed a breakaway Super League which would have created massive wealth for the clubs and would have gouged the fans with overinflated ticket prices and merchandise. 

Supporters of the clubs especially in England rose up and protested their team’s involvement in this endeavour. Players of the teams also sided with the supporters and as quickly it was announced the league gave up on their intentions. Executives lost their jobs and were portrayed as greedy, narcissists who failed to gauge their supporters and players. Now the English teams are asking for a 50+1 rule where the supporters will have a say in the ownership of the team. It has worked very well in the German leagues. 

A group of 10-12 people in Ontario started a website where people can share their COVID stories. The site is myCOVIDstory.ca. We all have incredible stories of dealing with pandemic. Some have been tragic and heartbreaking. Many have been about our mental, emotional health and how it has wavered. 

Now the third wave is here. Nothing to do with Toffler’s third wave. My mental health has been all over the map. Right from day one of the pandemic, I was deemed essential and went into the office. I felt guilty about this when so many people lost their jobs or had their hours drastically reduced. Businesses were shuttered. 

As the months wore on I faked being well, people don’t fake being ill. I saw loved ones falling apart and at times I felt absolutely helpless. It was as if I had no fight in me. No fight in me to support my friends. I was numb to it. 

I checked in with friends and family on a regular basis as best as possible. At times, I did want to check out. Only fleeting thoughts. One of the activities that was good for my mental health was volunteering and like everything else the opportunities ceased. 

If it wasn’t for my wife, stepchildren, my grandson, friends and work colleagues I don’t know where I would be. They are my lifeline. Thank you. 

We will pull through this. The fatigue has deeply set in. Vaccines are here. I got mine. We are strong and will only get stronger. The power of the people will carry us through. 

Powerless

 Last week my wife had a panic attack. I was scared, petrified and powerless. Powerless to help. Powerless    to make it stop.

I was scared for myself and for my wife. I was scared because I didn’t know what to do, say or act. I was scared of being harmed. I was scared of my wife harming herself. I was scared of myself. I was scared of flying into rage. 

I yelled stop it. I felt myself getting angrier and angrier. I wanted her to stop and by yelling at her I hope that would accomplish it. It didn’t, I felt the blood boiling. I needed a time out. We both needed a time out.

My wife became grounded which enabled the panic attack to stop.

What I had to have happen was to stop, allow her to breath, catch her breathe. Offer support. Touch her gently and be with her. To take my cues from her and go at her pace while she worked through it.

 I needed to have my emotions in check. This was not about me, however, it became about me. We talked about it and I learned that what worked this time may not work the next time and not make it about me. 

It was scary. I was scared. Now I know what was happening and can act in a different way next time. When we know better we do better. 

One Year On

 March 11, 2020 the world changed. It is too soon to determine if it is for the better or not. On this day the World Health Organization (WHO) announced COVID-19 as a pandemic. It was also the day that sports, arts, entertainment came to a screeching halt. 

My work life didn’t change I was deemed essential. I work in healthcare. My personal life changed. No more volunteering, no more eating out, no more visiting friends, no more nights on the town. Not like I did much of that anyway.  I couldn’t even fake it if I wanted to. 

My life involved work, coming home to Netflix, comfort food and wine shandies. Wearing a mask, social distancing while shopping. Would go 3 weeks without filing the car with gas. Didn’t go anywhere except work, home, shopping for groceries and the liquor store. Travel became a distant memory. Driving to work would take 10-15 min, instead of the usual 20-30. No traffic. Signs of the apocalypse everywhere. Maybe my stepdaughter was on to something. 

My anxiety and depression were at all time highs. Especially when I tried to go to sleep my mind raced a million different ways and when I did sleep my dreams were intense. I woke up in a sweat. My counsellor and doctor appts were FaceTime or phone visits. I didn’t like either of these options, however didn’t have a third option. 

As the months dragged on I became scared of the future and wanted to check out several times. Thankfully, fleeting moments, no plan or longer thoughts of suicidal ideation. I took comfort in work even with the processes changing almost weekly. Yet I felt guilty that I was working when so many other people lost their livelihood. No sports, entertainment or volunteering, I became immersed in the show South of the Border. Oh my what a theatrical production. One man had a plan. The other was trying every trick in the book to re-elect himself at the same time destroying the great country around him. The country became divided and reached a racial and societal reckoning. 

I took comfort in social media. The good, the bad and the ugly of it. People were sharing their wonderful stories of hope, courage, survival and at the same time other people were trying to scam you out of your savings. My support network expanded and I would check in on them on a regular basis. I would look forward to the interactions with my grandson and stepdaughter. Hearing their voices would bring a smile to mine and my wife’s faces for days and would long for the next interaction. Hearing the 4 greatest words “ I Love You Grampa “. Nothing is finer. 

Last night my anxiety cranked up a notch to a new level. I had to get up take a sleep aid or two and calm down. For me one of the ways to relax is watching Forensic Files and releasing some inner tension. It helped. As I write this my mind is racing and yet I feel sad. A genuine sadness reflecting on the year that was. I am anxiously awaiting word of my eligibility turn for the vaccine. Even though I work in healthcare. I have no direct patient care except via phone or video. Therefore not eligible yet. 

I turned 57 last week. Some days like today I feel all 57 of the years. Overall, I feel about 5-10 years younger than my age. Tonight I feel blah, low, no energy. It has been a long year. A lot has happened and still will happen. I will take the good with the bad. The blah and the ha. One year on, one year older, one year wiser. 

March Forward

March is my favourite month. Why?  It is my birthday month. I will be 57. Yes not even concerned that everyone knows my age. Age is just a number, I feel about 10-15 yrs younger. I was asked by someone today about retirement. As long as I have my health I have another 8-10 years before retiring. My magic 80 is in 3 years time in my 60th year. Maybe I will go at that time. I love my career. It is challenging, stimulating and impactful. I am making a difference in people’s lives because of my work. I have a wonderful staff of 6 healthcare aides. The nurses, outreach, doctors, admin and managers I work with as well are all creative, talented professionals. We treat each other with respect and as professionals and have a good time doing it. 

The last year during the pandemic have been challenging. It seemed like every other week we were modifying our service model to fit the changing environment. We were deemed essential and went to work when a lot of people were being laid off. I often felt guilty about this. We were prescreened before we could enter the building. Masks are mandatory unless at our desk. The adjustments were and are constant. 

I am physically healthy. Mentally and emotionally I waver all the time. My mental health is tenuous at the best of times. Add the last year, and more often than not I want to burst into tears. I only fleeting thought about checking out twice. One of the things I have dearly missed has been physically volunteering at events and with my favourite organizations. I miss going to schools and sharing my mental health journey.  I miss the sporting and special events I volunteer for. 

I have become a very open person. In fact I have been accused by some people close to me of over sharing. To that I say crap on you. Last year Manitoba was supposed to be celebrating their 150th birthday. One of the events was honouring Manitoba’s 150 best volunteers which I was named one of. I was notified of this honour on March 2 and had to sit on this announcement for almost a full year. Man that was hard. 

Now the cat is out of the bag. I am incredibly humbled and stoked to be recognized for this. I thank my wonderful wife for the fantastic comprehensive nomination she submitted for me. I thank her also for her guidance, wisdom, strength, support, love and tolerance. She has helped me come to terms with my Depression and anxiety. She is amazing. Thank you for all your love. I am thankful to my amazing support network for always being there and holding me accountable. Love you all. 

2020 was an unbelievable year in so many ways. My mantra was to be kind always. For the most part I achieved this. 

There were moments when I started going down the rabbit hole of depression. In these moments I was everything except kind. My mouth run amok. My attitude, demeanour was so low I did not want to interact with people, I was afraid of what I might say or do. I was a real shit. Felt like I was before Shelley, intolerable to be around, no fun, angry, miserable with a huge unnecessary chip on my shoulder. Thankfully these dark moments did not last more than a few days. 

I hope the end of the pandemic is in sight. When we look back we will see the positives and how the world will have changed for the better. I hear “can we go back to normalcy”. Perhaps however masks and social distancing are the new normal. I long to travel again and what will that look like. I long to visit and hug my Grandson and hear those 4 beautiful words in person “I love you Grampa” 

I have come a long way in my mental health journey. I am embracing all aspects of it and hope to improve on my advocacy for better mental health. Actions and words are powerful. Be kind, supportive and respectful at all times. 

March is a month of change inspiration hope and renewal. Embrace it. It is also Women’s history month. So many wonderful, inspiring women who have come before us and will continue to lead us. My stepdaughter and wife are two of the finest, strongest, courageous women in the world today. Love you immensely. 

Finding My Courage

 This past week we were witnessed to a serious proceeding which turned into a circus sideshow. The impeachment trial of #45 Dumpster Fire was superbly laid out by the 9 House Impeachment Managers. The case they outlined was detailed and comprehensive and would have provided a verdict of impeachment. 

However, the Republicans 43 of them who are so shortsighted in their ideology, thinking, actions chose to acquit based on a constitutional technicality. The leader of this band of corrupt politicians Mitch McConneell voted to acquit because it was unconstitutional to impeach a President who is no longer in office. You hypocritical disingenuous POS. Your delay created this situation. Than to say on TV to whoever was listening after the vote that #45 sparked the insurrection  

How dare you Gaslight the world. The people most prone to gaslight are narcissists. People with Narcissistic behaviour only care about themselves and don’t care about the damage, harm physically, emotionally and mentally they inflict on their victims. 

As someone who suffered for years at the hands of a narcissistic parent I know all too well. What was painfully obvious to the outside world I did not see it or want to see it. The enmeshed meant left me with tons of insecurity, difficulty relating to people especially women. I was shy introverted with periods of verbal rage. I did not care who I hurt or what I said at times. 

About 11 years I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and some of the healing began. It has been a long haul and uphill battle to positive progress. Therapy with a counsellor and psychologist, changing my support network, cutting people out of my life, embracing my mental health and sharing my story. One of the most important people who helped me truly move forward have been my incredible wife. Her wisdom, insight and assessment skills gave me the framework to embrace my recovery. The other person has been my 4 year old grandson. We have been besties since the day I first held him as an infant. He taught me how to love unconditionally with no strings attached.  The other day he said the 4 greatest words “ I LOVE YOU GRAMPA “  

Yes I have experienced gaslighting at its finest. This gaslighting of the American public has to stop. It is harmful and hurtful and creates unnecessary outcomes for people who deal with mental health issues. 

The Dumpster Fire who masqueraded as #45 created this by saying I could shout a person on 5th avenue and not be held accountable. His barrage of lies, conspiracy theories, misinformation, has created a bunch of lemmings in the Republican Party. He has emboldened groups that promote hate, racism and violence to crawl out from under the rocks they were from. Yes January 6 was the Dumpster Fire’s creation. He lit the fire and his followers took the match and ran with it. 

This past week to not hold him accountable is the ultimate in Gaslighting led by McConnell and followed blindly by Graham, Hawley, Cruz, Cotton, Tuberville and all the others who voted No to impeachment. 

Thank you for nothing. Not surprised at the outcome from the party who impeached Clinton for lying about getting a BJ in the Oval Office. I guess infidelity is wrong and insurrection is right. 

I am glad I live in Canada. Mr Biden you have a tough job ahead of you. God speed Sir. Here is the beauty the reason the Republicans voted No they were concerned about the repercussions for future elections. The unemployment line awaits. I would take any of the 9 impeachment house managers to defend me if I ever needed it.

Every Action Matters

 On January 28th, Bell media celebrated “Bell Let’s Talk” day where there motto this year was every action matters. They claimed they raised $26 million for mental health awareness and had a good time patting each other on the back for job well done. 

Less than two weeks later they shuttered 3 sports talk radio stations in Vancouver, Hamilton and my home town Winnipeg. Notifying employees via Twitter they were out of a job/career. The station played canned music all day including the Green Day song Good Riddance. 

The same media giant that received $121 million from the Federal Government last year as a bailout during the pandemic. The same media company doesn’t walk the walk. For years stories have been shared about employees not receiving support for their mental illness, losing their jobs because they mentioned they deal with mental health issues. How hypocritical and disingenuous Bell media are. Well living up to your theme Bell, every action mattered. Now thousands of honest hard working people have had their livelihood ripped out from under them. How cold and heartless that is. People’s anxiety and depression will only be heightened. Yeah every action matters Bell. 

What can be done about it? We can change cell providers, tv and internet providers. We know that will not happen. I am outraged. I feel like Peter Finch in Network “ I am mad as hell and not going to take it anymore”.

Where do we go from here? I am with all the people who are expressing their outrage at Bell on social media. Yes radio stations change format all the time on air personalities are like coaches they are hired to be fired. However, this is just cruel and mean. A giant company making millions through advertising and sponsorship not to mention govt bailout. Yes people get dealt the short straw all the time. Life is not fair and all of that. 

Bell Media total revenue is north of $60 billion. One of Canada’s richest companies. Richard Branson says  “Employees Come First” . Treat you employees with respect and empower them and the business will take care of itself. Every Action Does Matter when done right. 

Today is a tough day. Let’s hope better days are ahead. Be kind, be non-judgemental, be supportive. 

Let’s Talk

 Today is Bell Let’s Talk day in Canada and their slogan this year is every action counts. Bell will donate 5 cents for every action on social media using their picture, hashtag and other gimmicks on social networks. I commend their commitment to this action now in its eleventh year. Millions of dollars are raised each year.

Why only one day a year? Why not once a month, dedicate the 28th of every month for Let’s Talk day. The struggle is real. One out of every three people deals with a mental health issue. This number is staggering and now more than ever the Stigma has to be eliminated. The pandemic has kicked the crap out of my mental health this past year. Some days my anxiety is through the roof and my depression plays tricks with my mind. Some nights I lay myself down to sleep and within minutes my mind races a million miles and a million thoughts an hour. I am being pulled in so many different ways. I have to get up and clear my mind, take some clonazapan. Other nights it is an interrupted restless night of sleep. 

I find that by talking about it helps. However, I have to be careful who I talk to. Some people are not tolerant, supportive and have been known to call bullshit and say “ I don’t want to hear about your mental health issues”. I avoid these people whenever I can. 

I have many others in my support network who are there to lend the supportive ear, say the right words or just listen without judgement. Listening without judgement is a trait I am continually working on. You see I like to call myself a recovering narcissist. I recognize the behaviour and can see it in other people. Unfortunately, it occasionally comes out in my own behaviour. It is painful when this happens. I have hurt some very important friends because of these actions. I know better. I will do better.

This year has been challenging in so many ways. Thankfully my physical health has been good (COVID free touch wood). Some days I struggle to get up and go to work. I feel guilty that I have work to go to when so many others don’t. Many days I have come home and cried in my wife’s arms. I miss hugs. I miss  visiting my friends. I miss volunteering which is a huge aspect of my life. I miss my stepchildren and my grandson. We spoke last night via FaceTime and I heard the four most beautiful words in the English language “I love you Grandpa”. I can’t wait to see him and hug him and bake cookies with him.  My wife and I talk about him all the time. 

Yeah it’s great that one day of the year is set aside to talk about mental health. What about the other 364. The more we share and talk about mental health, the less there is a Stigma. Be kind always. You never know what someone’s story is. Be supportive, non judgemental, and open at all times. It is okay to not be okay. 

A New Era Has Arrived

 The last couple of months have been anxiety filled and depression overload and today felt like a huge ton of weights had been lifted off my plate and the plates of millions of people. The combative, disingenuous, indifferent approach by a misogynistic, narcissistic spreading misinformation lying bully has been replaced and flushed down the drain. The new era Biden/Harris bring breathes of fresh air. They bring humour, compassion, empathy and conciliation to a nation and world sorely in need.

My anxiety has been through the roof, fraut with tension. Walking around on pins and needles wondering what will happen next. I knew that stuff would happen, I never thought that there would be an insurrection a coup on the Capital. This happens in 3rd world countries not the good old USA. The racist groups became emboldened under the Dumpster Fire urging them on. This behaviour of negativity has spread to other countries. Here in Canada these groups now have a voice and it is scary. I hope Dumpster Fire fades into oblivion (one can hope). 

The old adage if you believe a lie long enough you start believing it is true. That is the rhetoric he has left behind. Fake news, misinformation, controlling the narrative. It doesn’t have to be this way and we will get back to the way it was. 

Our mental health will improve. It already feels different. No anxiety, depression good for now. I am eternally optimistic that the worst is behind us. I am eagerly awaiting better days. The light is getting brighter with battling the pandemic. The vaccine, herd immunity and prominent widespread mask mandates. 

Watching images of the Inauguration, what struck me most is the class, authentic, grace shown by President Biden and Madam Vice President Harris and their amazing spouses. Such a different tone from the brooding stooped Dumpster Fire. We are in good hands. Be kind, positive and true to ourselves.  

2020 An Impactful Year In Sports

 I love sports. All things sports. So 2020 was extremely hard for me especially for several months when the sporting world went silent. 

When it did start back up there were amazing feats individually and by teams. Personally my favourite team Liverpool won their first league title in 30 years. Naomi Ozaka dominated the US Women’s Tennis Open both with her play and her promotion of racial injustice. The Black Lives Matter movement was embraced by the sporting world. Players took knees for anthems. Players boycotted games. Players created open dialogue and a forum for discussion. The sporting world will have changed forever and for the better.

The sporting world also lost a significant number of luminaries who many made an impression on their sports and life in general. It started early with David Stern and Don Larsen on January 1. Don Larsen is the only picture to pitch a perfect game in the World Series. David Stern was NBA commissioner who turned the NBA into a global entity. Stars were aplenty with Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant whose death on Jan 27th shocked the world. 

The hockey world lost Henri Pocket Rocket Richard, Eddie the Entertainer Shack who had a hit song named after him. With a famous line “Clear the Track, Here Comes Shack”. Dale Ducky Hawerchuk. A beloved Winnipeg Jet. The greatest to ever wear their jersey. I had the pleasure of meeting him twice. Once at Big Brothers of Winnipeg AGM and than at his induction into Manitoba Sports Hall of Fame. He was true to Winnipeg and Winnipeg was true to him.  

Baseball lost many Hall of Farmers including Whitey Ford, Bob Gibson, Tom Seaver, Darryl Cousins, Dick Allen, Tony Fernandez, Al Kaline, Lou Brock Bob Watson and Joe Morgan who I met when I went on a tour of the Cincinnati Reds stadium and Hall of Fame in 2013. I got a miniature statue of his as a keepsake. 

American football lost Gayle Sayers, Willie Wood, Bobby Mitchell (first African American to play for the Washington Football Team), Paul Hornung (Heisman winner who became more famous for his off field gambling exploits), Tarvaris Jackson, Fred Dean, Chris Doleman, Jim Kick and Tom Dempsey was born without toes on his kicking foot and for years held the record for longest field goal. One of the last of the straight on kickers. 

The coaching profession was hit hard with both college and pro football and basketball. One of my favourites John Thompson the towering figure of Georgetown Hoyas the first African American coach to win the championship. However, for me it was his kind words to Fred Brown in defeat that defined him for me. They had lost the 1981 title game and Fred Brown passed the ball to the opposing player by mistake. He was inconsolable and Thompson said to him, son if that is the only mistake you make you will live a charmed life. Fred Brown works mentoring inner city youth in Washington DC. Other coaching deaths were Lute Olson, Eddie Sutton, Johnny Majors, George Perles, Sam Whyche, Tom Webster, Jerry Sloan, Joe Bugel, Billy Tubbs, Lou Henson, Tom Heinsohn, Morgan Wooton winningest high school coach DeMatha High School and Don Shula winningest NFL coach (Miami Dolphins) 

Basketball lost Cliff Robinson (Survivor contestant) Curly Neal Harlem Globetrotter and greatest dribbler on record, Wes Unseld won NBA title with Washington Bullets the next year they changed the name to the Wizards. 

Other notables who died Mike Sexton World Series of Poker Champion, Rafer Johnson 1960 decathlon gold medalist, Pete Dye golf course designer, Peter Allis British golfing commentator. Travis Roy who created the ice bucket challenge who on his first shift for Boston College was paralyzed. Kurt Thomas Olympic Gold Medalist Gymnast, Phyllis George a pioneer in broadcasting. Two of the greatest soccer players Paola Rossi and Diego Maradona both beautifully skilled players who had off field problems. 

2020 was an impactful year in sports and I am eager to see how 2021 will play out. I will be rooting for my favourite teams. I will be cheering on the amazing feats and people of the world of sports. Sports plays a huge role in shaping life. 

Shattering the Glass Ceiling

 2020 was a bizarre year in many ways. The pandemic, so many lives lost and continue to be lost. Vaccine in place in record time. Most of 2021 will be spent dealing with it. We will get through this and be stronger for it. The US election dominated the airwaves when talk shifted from the pandemic. From the Dumpster Fire Orange Menace circling the drain, trying to convince everyone that the election was rigged to Joe Biden and the Democrats winning. Kamala Harris the first women VP and African-Indian VP. 

The glass ceiling shattered on many levels this past year. No level more evident than in sports. Starting in January Canada’s Christine scored her 185 international soccer goal. More than any other person playing the game. Kim Ng being the first General Manager of a North American professional sports team. Becky Harmon the first female to coach in an NBA regular season game. Stephanie Frappert the first female to referee a Champions League Men’s soccer match. Jerome Boger led the first all African American NFL crew. 

Politics elected the first transgender Senator Sarah McBride. Chris Nikic became the first person with Downs Syndrome to complete a Triathlon. Naomi Osaka captured the US Women’s Tennis Open raising awareness for racial injustice with her masks. 

Tremendous accomplishments by all and yet why in this day and age of advancement and equality are we still talking about firsts. As a member of the only class (white males) to not experience any marginalization I am acutely aware of my place in the class. I have been working hard at not letting my privilege show. I am sorry to say it is hard to do. Society is skewed toward white privilege. 

I make a conscious effort to be kind, treat people with respect and lead by example. Do I slip up yes. Do I say or do the wrong things yes. However, more times than not I am aware of my environment and check what I say or do. I am kept in check by my wife, my counsellor, my support network, my stepchildren  and most importantly my 4 year old grandson. You have all been a great source of comfort and support. You keep my anger at bay, my mental health in check. One of the hardest things to overcome is lying down trying to sleep and my anxiety kicks in and my mind races all over the place preventing sleep from occurring.

You know my triggers and signs so that I don’t go down that rabbit hole. 

I came close several times. Twice I said I want to check out. Once I had a plan. Thankfully these thoughts and emotions didn’t last long. My mantra for 2020 was to be kind. I think I succeeded more days than not with this. 

My mantra for 2021 is to not create drama in my life. Happy New Year everyone.