Powerless

 Last week my wife had a panic attack. I was scared, petrified and powerless. Powerless to help. Powerless    to make it stop.

I was scared for myself and for my wife. I was scared because I didn’t know what to do, say or act. I was scared of being harmed. I was scared of my wife harming herself. I was scared of myself. I was scared of flying into rage. 

I yelled stop it. I felt myself getting angrier and angrier. I wanted her to stop and by yelling at her I hope that would accomplish it. It didn’t, I felt the blood boiling. I needed a time out. We both needed a time out.

My wife became grounded which enabled the panic attack to stop.

What I had to have happen was to stop, allow her to breath, catch her breathe. Offer support. Touch her gently and be with her. To take my cues from her and go at her pace while she worked through it.

 I needed to have my emotions in check. This was not about me, however, it became about me. We talked about it and I learned that what worked this time may not work the next time and not make it about me. 

It was scary. I was scared. Now I know what was happening and can act in a different way next time. When we know better we do better. 

One Year On

 March 11, 2020 the world changed. It is too soon to determine if it is for the better or not. On this day the World Health Organization (WHO) announced COVID-19 as a pandemic. It was also the day that sports, arts, entertainment came to a screeching halt. 

My work life didn’t change I was deemed essential. I work in healthcare. My personal life changed. No more volunteering, no more eating out, no more visiting friends, no more nights on the town. Not like I did much of that anyway.  I couldn’t even fake it if I wanted to. 

My life involved work, coming home to Netflix, comfort food and wine shandies. Wearing a mask, social distancing while shopping. Would go 3 weeks without filing the car with gas. Didn’t go anywhere except work, home, shopping for groceries and the liquor store. Travel became a distant memory. Driving to work would take 10-15 min, instead of the usual 20-30. No traffic. Signs of the apocalypse everywhere. Maybe my stepdaughter was on to something. 

My anxiety and depression were at all time highs. Especially when I tried to go to sleep my mind raced a million different ways and when I did sleep my dreams were intense. I woke up in a sweat. My counsellor and doctor appts were FaceTime or phone visits. I didn’t like either of these options, however didn’t have a third option. 

As the months dragged on I became scared of the future and wanted to check out several times. Thankfully, fleeting moments, no plan or longer thoughts of suicidal ideation. I took comfort in work even with the processes changing almost weekly. Yet I felt guilty that I was working when so many other people lost their livelihood. No sports, entertainment or volunteering, I became immersed in the show South of the Border. Oh my what a theatrical production. One man had a plan. The other was trying every trick in the book to re-elect himself at the same time destroying the great country around him. The country became divided and reached a racial and societal reckoning. 

I took comfort in social media. The good, the bad and the ugly of it. People were sharing their wonderful stories of hope, courage, survival and at the same time other people were trying to scam you out of your savings. My support network expanded and I would check in on them on a regular basis. I would look forward to the interactions with my grandson and stepdaughter. Hearing their voices would bring a smile to mine and my wife’s faces for days and would long for the next interaction. Hearing the 4 greatest words “ I Love You Grampa “. Nothing is finer. 

Last night my anxiety cranked up a notch to a new level. I had to get up take a sleep aid or two and calm down. For me one of the ways to relax is watching Forensic Files and releasing some inner tension. It helped. As I write this my mind is racing and yet I feel sad. A genuine sadness reflecting on the year that was. I am anxiously awaiting word of my eligibility turn for the vaccine. Even though I work in healthcare. I have no direct patient care except via phone or video. Therefore not eligible yet. 

I turned 57 last week. Some days like today I feel all 57 of the years. Overall, I feel about 5-10 years younger than my age. Tonight I feel blah, low, no energy. It has been a long year. A lot has happened and still will happen. I will take the good with the bad. The blah and the ha. One year on, one year older, one year wiser. 

March Forward

March is my favourite month. Why?  It is my birthday month. I will be 57. Yes not even concerned that everyone knows my age. Age is just a number, I feel about 10-15 yrs younger. I was asked by someone today about retirement. As long as I have my health I have another 8-10 years before retiring. My magic 80 is in 3 years time in my 60th year. Maybe I will go at that time. I love my career. It is challenging, stimulating and impactful. I am making a difference in people’s lives because of my work. I have a wonderful staff of 6 healthcare aides. The nurses, outreach, doctors, admin and managers I work with as well are all creative, talented professionals. We treat each other with respect and as professionals and have a good time doing it. 

The last year during the pandemic have been challenging. It seemed like every other week we were modifying our service model to fit the changing environment. We were deemed essential and went to work when a lot of people were being laid off. I often felt guilty about this. We were prescreened before we could enter the building. Masks are mandatory unless at our desk. The adjustments were and are constant. 

I am physically healthy. Mentally and emotionally I waver all the time. My mental health is tenuous at the best of times. Add the last year, and more often than not I want to burst into tears. I only fleeting thought about checking out twice. One of the things I have dearly missed has been physically volunteering at events and with my favourite organizations. I miss going to schools and sharing my mental health journey.  I miss the sporting and special events I volunteer for. 

I have become a very open person. In fact I have been accused by some people close to me of over sharing. To that I say crap on you. Last year Manitoba was supposed to be celebrating their 150th birthday. One of the events was honouring Manitoba’s 150 best volunteers which I was named one of. I was notified of this honour on March 2 and had to sit on this announcement for almost a full year. Man that was hard. 

Now the cat is out of the bag. I am incredibly humbled and stoked to be recognized for this. I thank my wonderful wife for the fantastic comprehensive nomination she submitted for me. I thank her also for her guidance, wisdom, strength, support, love and tolerance. She has helped me come to terms with my Depression and anxiety. She is amazing. Thank you for all your love. I am thankful to my amazing support network for always being there and holding me accountable. Love you all. 

2020 was an unbelievable year in so many ways. My mantra was to be kind always. For the most part I achieved this. 

There were moments when I started going down the rabbit hole of depression. In these moments I was everything except kind. My mouth run amok. My attitude, demeanour was so low I did not want to interact with people, I was afraid of what I might say or do. I was a real shit. Felt like I was before Shelley, intolerable to be around, no fun, angry, miserable with a huge unnecessary chip on my shoulder. Thankfully these dark moments did not last more than a few days. 

I hope the end of the pandemic is in sight. When we look back we will see the positives and how the world will have changed for the better. I hear “can we go back to normalcy”. Perhaps however masks and social distancing are the new normal. I long to travel again and what will that look like. I long to visit and hug my Grandson and hear those 4 beautiful words in person “I love you Grampa” 

I have come a long way in my mental health journey. I am embracing all aspects of it and hope to improve on my advocacy for better mental health. Actions and words are powerful. Be kind, supportive and respectful at all times. 

March is a month of change inspiration hope and renewal. Embrace it. It is also Women’s history month. So many wonderful, inspiring women who have come before us and will continue to lead us. My stepdaughter and wife are two of the finest, strongest, courageous women in the world today. Love you immensely.