When You Least Expect It…

 That is when depression rears it’s head and kicks you where you don’t want it. This happened to me today, on what was a happy day. My favourite sports team had a dominant win over there most hated rival. On what was the 11 anniversary of me being diagnosed with depression. A day that helped change my life and lead me to be the person I am today. More confident, less angry, and much happier person. 

My wife and I were watching her favourite sport curling. Our favourite team was playing against our least favourite team and what started out as one sided ended up being a closer score than needed. Our team won. Watching the game I became triggered and starting yelling at the tv, calling out names unsuitable for regular conversation. 

I was not me, I was the old me. It set me into a bad path for the next several hours. I was triggered. What I have come to know is that certain types of people trigger me. It can be their presence, their words or actions. It can last hours like today or days. 

My wife and I talked it out and I went out and got some comfort food. Thank you comfort food. I trust my wife wholeheartedly. She always seems to have comforting words. Today and 11 years ago. That day changed my life. I became aware that I was dealing with depression undiagnosed and it was not an attractive look on me. 

Depression does not have a road map. It does have an agenda. It’s agenda is to trip you up. To make your life miserable. To tell you that you are not worthy, you are terrible, you are not loveable. It spews negative thoughts inside your head. It can be relentless. It comes out of nowhere to rear it’s ugly head. Sometimes I can recognize it like today and other times not so much and it lasts several days before I recognize it.

I have learnt to embrace it and accept it and deal with it and most importantly not let it win. However, long that takes. Next time I may not be as fortunate as today. 

Define Oneself

 I bought the bottom cup in June 2020, I think I am a pretty good Grampa and the person who it matters the most thinks I am pretty cool. In early 2021 the cup broke and was not salvageable. It was a sad moment to pick up the pieces and throw the mug away. What didn’t get thrown away was and is the special bond I have with my Grandson and memories.

For this year’s Father’s Day I bought the top cup and the first day I took it to work I hit the rail on the stairs and the handle broke. I thought for a second about throwing it out. Instead I took a picture and said to myself this is a metaphor for life. 

To say I am the Best Dad Ever is completely false. I am not even a Dad. I inherited two beautiful, creative and talented adults. One who has given us a beautiful grandson. Yes I now call my wife’s kids my daughter and son. Love them to the moon and back. 

I believe that we are all perfectly imperfect people. Flaws, warts and all and no one is the best or most perfect person. In fact, I like to tell whoever listens that the only perfect people are six feet under and they didn’t get there by being perfect. People who say they are perfectionists are fooling themselves. We all make countless mistakes each day. Only a few are noticed and rarely cause any harm or are serious enough to have a negative outcome. 

If you have ever seen the excellent movie Apollo 13, they called the mission a successful failure. The astronauts made it safely home after an accident, however, they didn’t reach the moon which was their goal.

I love my grandson and he knows I am not perfect. We have a great bond. The cup reminds me everyday that we are a work in progress striving to do the best we can each day.