Dog Days of Summer

 The middle of July is always especially hard for me. In different years of course, however, in the span of a week I lost an uncle, my dad, my best friend and my mother. Most years I am able to recognize and be aware of the day. This year it hit me pretty hard. I missed work and generally felt a heaviness around me.  

Our grandson is staying with us and I was trying particularly hard to try not to let him see me in pain. However, it was impossible. On the anniversary of my father’s death I had several meltdowns. I took him to Wal-Mart for toys. It is a treat for him. After paying we walked to the car, put the bag in the car buckled him in and realized I couldn’t find my phone. We went back into the store traced our steps and couldn’t find the phone. As we are walking back to the car Ollie says “Grandpa it has to be in the car”. Sure enough it was in the bag in the backseat. Feeling fragile we drove home.

We went to the playground and I lost my way getting there drove around the neighbourhood twice trying to find the playground which we have been to on a regular basis. My father’s wife called to reminisce and I got lost in the conversation. I was supposed to work a concert that night. I called in and stayed close to home with my grandson. The next day I was still unsettled from the previous day, although less so and missed another day at work. 

Monday was rough as I was wrought with emotion and grief and had a bad day at work. I decided that I needed a mental health day so the next day took one. I went to lunch with a good fried friend. I took Ollie with me. It was a day of the reflection remembering my best friend. One of the things Mike loved to do was go to our local watering hole. He would refer to this time as choir practice, his father was a priest. We would go sometimes the two of us or with a group of friends. We would attempt to solve the worlds problems over adult beverages. 

I went to our local watering hole and ordered two beers one for me and one for my friend. The server looked at me strangely because they were totally different beers. I told her one is for me and the other one was for my friend. When I was leaving the server asked me about my friend. I said he was with me in spirit. The beer was left untouched.

The next day was the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s passing. The last number of years of her life I was estranged from her. My choice. I came to terms with my past and the negative influence my mother played in it. I am at peace over her now. It took me awhile. I am aware of the day and that is about it. No guilt, no shame, no emotion, no grief.

I am blessed to have many wonderful people in my life who helped me get through this hard week and each hard moments I have. It is so great having our grandson here. He is the best boy in the world. Yes I am biased. 

I take my mental health seriously and recognize at any moment it can sneak up and bite me and drag me down. Part of being aware of my own mental health ups and downs I am also an advocate for good mental health overall. I am blessed to have an employer who offers a free Employee Assistance Program. I am aware of and make good use of this valuable resource. I am available to assist with others who are going through stuff. Everyone goes through stuff. 

We are not alone and we are also available to lend our time. Two loves of my life. 

Child's Play

 We are blessed to have our grandson staying with us this month. He is such a great kid 7 going on 40. He is smart, intelligent, creative, kind, compassionate and wise beyond his years.

Yesterday, I took him to the playground and watched him play. Play he did, climbing up down and all around the various aspects of the structure. 

There were other children at the playground, kids his age, some younger, some older and he started interacting with them and playing with them. They would climb, run, slide, create games.

It was freeing to watch and freeing for him to just be a kid. I sat and watched with tears rolling down my face, why because I am so blessed to have this little man in my life. He has taught me so much. He has taught me how to love unconditionally, how to be compassionate and show empathy.

As I watched I reflected back on my own childhood experiences which for the most part were not pleasant. Around the same age as Ollie I was playing at a playground and they had something called monkey bars which were these metal bars twisted together in a dome like structure. I started to climb these and fell off them. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed. I ended up with a bump on my head and a scar under my chin and decades of fear.

For the coming days, weeks and years after this event I was in constant fear of these bars and to a greater extent the whole playground experience. The presence of fear was placed over me that these playgrounds were dangerous and bad things can happen be visiting them.

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to overcome my fear of the playground. It wasn't until Ollie came along and I recognized that the only fear is the fear we place on ourselves. Is there an inherent risk yes. However, we don't need to get hung up about this risk.

Back to the present watching Ollie and the other kids, at one stage they found a tennis ball and started playing catch when one of the boys left, Ollie invited me to play catch with him and the others. 

So often we get hung up on all the stresses of life that we forget to create time to play and just be a kid.

Trying to put a Square Peg Into a Round Hole

 Today I donated blood. My 42nd donation. Ten years ago my wife who regularly donates asked me to come with her while she donated. I was hesitant and wasn’t sure if I was even eligible. I am Type 2 diabetic and thought I wasn’t eligible. 

I trusted her and went to see and sure enough I was eligible. Another fear that turned out to be nothing. The experience was positive and the donor associate said thank you for donating and your donation will save 3 lives. 

A simple act that takes less than an hour from start to finish could be so meaningful and life altering. Apart from my arm bruising up no other issues. The arm bruise was probably my body reacting to pint blood loss. No other issues from donating and wish more people would donate. 

I tell everyone and post every donation on social media. I hope I have encouraged other people to donate. The need is great and real. 

This is one opportunity experience that worked out. Another situation did not end up as positive. 

Several years ago an opportunity was presented to me. I tried it out, worked hard at it and became proficient at it. A couple of months ago I had a meltdown during this opportunity and was removed and public shamed. I knew I had made mistakes. However, there were other ways of handling the situation that would have left me in a better place. 

I vowed revenge and even plotted revenge. I didn’t act. I believed in karma and what goes around comes around. In addition, my counsellor said why were you trying to fit into a place that wasn’t for you. Like a square peg in a round whole. 

The epiphany occurred and realized my anger was misplaced and chalked it up to a great learning experience that I was never going to fit into it. 

The wisdom of others. The openness on my end to accept the wisdom of others has guided me through many rough moments over the last several years. It is important to try things and if they work great, if they don’t. Simply move on. 

When one door closes another always opens. The caveat is to see when the door is open.