The View Today

This picture is from my balcony as I watch the world go by and wait for the evening storm to come and pass. Idyllic, serene view with lots of geese, deer and tons of people walking along the trail except tonight.  

I have been thinking a lot about my mental health over the last couple of months. How can I not, so much has happened. The world is changing. Everyday seems to bring a new normal. My mental health has wavered and I have worked very hard to prevent myself from going down the rabbit hole.  

I am glad that I have had my partner, my rock, my sweetie beside me. I am glad that I have been able to talk to my stepdaughter and grandson who always brings a smile to my face. Every time we talk to them we spend the next several hours reliving the moments of their prior visits. 

I am glad that I work in healthcare and have not had work interruptions like so many thousands of other people. I love my career, I have great colleagues and staff that are committed to providing quality front line community service. I feel for the people who have lost their jobs or laid off through this crisis. 

As we work through the pandemic we are encountered with the jarring reality that are society is unjust, unfair, skewed and racist. White privilege is prevalent, especially white male privilege. In Canada, a number of incidents involving Indigenous men and women have ended in lives being lost at the hands of Police and RCMP. South of the border multiple African Americans lost their lives at the hands of Police and white males. In also doesn’t help when the Orange Menace is provoking his support base and flaunting all professional advice in an effort to get re-elected. It is sad that the best the Americans can come up with to determine the next President are two Septuagenarians. I wonder if Vegas is taking odds whether they will last their term.

No wonder one’s mental health is compromised. Before I was formerly diagnosed with depression and anxiety I used to say I am in a funk and unfortunately the funk could last for weeks or months. Now I am educated and recognize that depression is a flaw in chemistry not character. 

Depression is either a curse or blessing. Some days it can be both or just one or the other. Some days my depression is triggered be something someone said or did. Other days I can wake up and not feel the love, lacking energy or motivation.  It is really hard to explain and yet easy to explain.  When I am anxious, I freeze on the spot. My mind shuts for a few seconds and can’t process information. For a few seconds to a few minutes I become paralyzed. Do I like being this way? No. I am appreciative to have a partner and my support network who understand me and mental health sometimes better than I do.

I have learnt to be kind, appreciative, supportive and empathetic. I know what triggers me and what my core emotions are and able to react to these. I allow my emotions to flow. I still take things personally, I am accountable for my actions. I am perfectly imperfect. Be yourself. 

Not Feeling The Love

For the last couple of weeks I haven’t been feeling the love. I have been feeling outraged, despondent, distraught. I have also been feeling like how am I supposed to continue and what can I do to show support first for flattening the COVID 19 curve,  than in support of the Black Lives Matter movement and now feel for the Indigenous people here in Canada.

My mental health has wavered severely and I am concerned about going down the rabbit hole of depression. It didn’t help last week when I shared some good news with a family member. This family member seemed supportive until they said “ I hope you didn’t mention that mental health crap”. I immediately called this member out and how hurtful that comment was. This family member said “ I have upset you and I love you “. I quickly ended the phone call.

My immediate thought was I can’t believe they said this and than I thought yes I can. No filter. No insight, no support.

The next day video evidence surfaced of police kicking a suspect in Winnipeg surfaced as did a video of a physical altercation against an Indigenous leader in Alberta. Plus a second murder of an Indigenous person in New Brunswick. Systemic racism is rampant within Canada and in many sectors of our society not just within police. If you think it isn’t than you are part of the problem.

I am outraged that a man was shot after being asleep in his car in a restaurant drive through in Atlanta and two men found hanging from trees In Los Angeles. This is why people are marching the streets. They are tired, angry, outraged and want change. Systemic racism is rampant.

Today a VP of an American news network was suspended for racist comments. This POS women was middle aged and probably had her views passed on down to her.  Systemic racism.

I am no saint and ashamed of myself as I have had judgements about people in the past. I am making a conscious effort to be aware of my words before they come out of my mouth. It has cost me painful moments and a few friendships over the past years.

I have been deeply affected and my sweetie and I have had some great conversations about the state of the world and how we can do our part. And how we can do better and be better human beings.  I make a point of saying hi to everyone I can on the street. I smile and wave at people in fellow cars when stopped at lights. I am appalled that here we are in 2020 and systematic racism is as prevalent as it is.

I want to feel better, I want to remain positive. I want to not feel like crying every day. I want to go to bed every night and wake up the next morning feeling happy, positive and energetic. My sweetie and I have a saying every morning “ Rock the Day “.

In a world where we can be anything Be Kind. It is simple.

Filthy Rich Despicable Scumbag

I watched the excellent Netflix series Filthy Rich recently which exposed some very bad people (Jeffrey Epstein who will be referred to as a despicable scumbag and Donald Trump who will be refereed to as the Orange Menace Dumpster Fire). These two disgusting people preyed on and still prey on the vulnerable and innocent for their own personal gain, reward and gratification.

After watching this show I became sick to my stomach. Threw up many times. I had a bad taste in my mouth for days. No amount of mouthwash helped.

I honestly don’t know how the despicable scumbag made his millions. He lied and cheated his way through life cozying up to the so called elite white privilege of society. He falsified his his resume into a teaching post at a prestigious school in NYC wormed his way into a brokerage firm where he became a top seller until he was exposed and fired. Somewhere, somehow he swindled millions from a wealthy Ohio businessman.

Basically the despicable scumbag never worked an honest day in his life. He conned his way and took advantaged of the innocent and vulnerable for over 30 years. He befriended the daughter of Robert Maxwell who became his trusted confidant and exploiter. Two days before he died he changed his will to transfer all his assets to his brother. One final way of manipulating, abusing and asserting his power. Well you despicable scumbag the joke is on you. You no longer have any reign over the women. Their voice is loud and will not be silenced.

Young girls as young as 13 were preyed upon and lured with the hope of modelling or acting opportunities. Instead they were sexually assaulted, raped, psychologically, physically, emotionally and mentally abused and manipulated and trafficked.

The young girls now brave, courageous young women are the heroes. Through this series they were able to have their voice their powerful voice heard and believed. They are still fighting and cannot be silenced. Bravo. I feel for you. Your pain, suffering and ordeal endured are more than anyone should have to experience.

The Orange Menace Dumpster Fire currently occupying the Oval Office partied with the despicable scumbag and once referred to him as a  “terrific guy and that he likes beautiful women as much as I do and many of them are on the younger side”. One word to describe this is Creepy and Disgusting. Okay two words. Of course now he is distancing himself like everyone else who profited or associated with the despicable scumbag at your expense. Their time will come because Karma is at play and it is a bitch.

I can’t imagine what you are going through in dealing with your trauma, your healing, your recovery. Your story is important and has to be told. Be strong and I support and stand with you. Just because it looks like one will not be held accountable, I have learnt that a reckoning will come and his will still come.

Prince Was A Wise Man

Today would have been Prince Rodgers Nelson’s 62 birthday. It would have been a day to celebrate with all things purple. He was an amazingly talented creative genius. He loved Minneapolis and gave so much back to the city. The stories of him helping young musicians at Paisley Park are legendary.

Minneapolis is a proud city embracing its Nordic ancestry, it is the state of hockey. I know MSP the airport like the back of my hand, having passed through so often. I have so many great friends who make Minneapolis home. We cheer for the Vikings, Wild, Wolves and Twins wherever possible.

Yet today Minneapolis is hurting like the rest of America. Honest hardworking people of all colours, ethnicities have had it and are outraged. The protests are working, my city had a peaceful rally with 15000 to 20000 attending. Conversely the next day my city had an end the lockdown restrictions rally and attracted 30 people.

We have all had to take a step back and evaluate our lot in life. We need to recognize that our white privilege is not what it is cracked up to be. We are not better than others just because of our skin colour or gender. We have to treat people the way they want to be treated, not the way we want to treat them.

The lives of George Floyd, Ahmed Aubrey, Breona Taylor, Chantel Moore will not be dismissed and forgotten. The scumbags who took their lives will pay the price. In every box of eggs there is usually one bad one. In every sector of life there are some bad people. All police officers are not bad. They are here to serve and protect. At what part is serving and protecting kneeling on a neck for 9 minutes. That is just premeditated first degree murder.

As Prince said “ When You Don’t Talk Down To Your Audience, Then They Can Grow With You” .
if you are a racist you talk down to people to build yourself up. Too many people have had this mentality in positions of power and that has to stop. #BeKindAlways #Respect

Life Affirming Event

I came home from work and I barely get in the door and there is Shelley in tears an emotional wreck. I am thinking who died and she motions me to sit down beside her. I can’t do that I have her stand up and we hug and embrace for a couple of minutes, tears streaming down her face.

Then she shows me her phone and I start reading the texts from her daughter and I quickly realize these are tears of joy and happiness. I look at the texts and I look at Shelley and the tears are still flowing. Now a puddle of tears are forming on the floor. We hug and embrace and jointly say are grandson is growing up. Four years old and no longer a baby instead a full blown toddler.

You see he has been accepted into pre-school and starts 2 days a week next a Tuesday and Kindergarten in September. We are so happy. So excited, a rite of passage, a life affirming experience.

All the time I am thinking this is Shelley’s reaction on the news, what will happen on his first day of pre-school? We go out and have dinner (patio style of course). Boston Pizza the same place our first date occurred almost 10 years ago next month. We had the same 2 appetizers we had that same night.

We spend the whole time talking about Ollie and how much we love him and how he is going to be. Shelley is a great mother. It has not been without challenges. Shelley is a fantastic grandmother. Ollie is the best boy and yes we are slightly biased. I still have trouble believing I am a grandfather. The first time I met Ollie Oct 2016 I was scared to hold him for fear I would drop him. Flash forward 6 months later he crawls up on my chest and falls asleep, changing his diaper for the first time and he pees on me. His little hand tapping me on my arm wanting me to pick him up for a cuddle. Pure joy and I was hooked unconditional love.

Now he is off to pre-school in a few months and Shelley and I will be there for every step of the adventure. Love you Ollie.

Feeling Distraught Part 2

I am not distraught, I am outraged. Outraged not at the protests. I am outraged that people especially a small percentage of white people feel so much hatred towards people of colour. That there are people who run around provoking violence, incite riots and cause mayhem just because they feel they are entitled to do so. I am outraged that some leaders stoke and inflame this mentality and that there voices seemed to be louder than the voices of reasons.

It absolute disgusts me that the so called leader of the free world the orange menace dumpster fire is the one stoking the fires by lauding whites who protest a lockdown by storming the capitol buildings armed to the nines and call out current protests of the senseless death of George Floyd by a white racist cop saying they are losers, thugs and low lifes.

The hypocrisy of it all sickens me. The protests have been peaceful with whites, blacks all colours and all ethnicities standing together. Many people of law enforcement standing with them peacefully.

Yes there has been violence mostly by interlopers invading and rioting just to make trouble. They are professionals at doing this.

There have been countless situations over the last number of years and the outrage has been building. Enough is enough. We have to stand together brother to brother, sister to sister regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, skin colour and sexual orientation.

Friday June 5 will be a peaceful protest in our city. My wife and I are going to support our brothers and sisters peacefully and proactively. We will become stronger. Our hearts, minds and voices are wide open and ready. See you there.
#Justice4BlackLives