Do Not Knock It Until You Try It

 I have been accused of over sharing on social media. Sharing lots of personal information that shouldn’t be shared on social media. 

The answer is yes and no. I do over share at times and no I do not share any real personal information. I am not telling people my passwords. I am not sharing addresses or phone numbers. Or other sensitive information. What I do share is about myself, my thoughts feelings emotions. My up and downs. I am a mental health advocate. I live and deal with depression and anxiety everyday. 

By sharing my journey, hopefully the stigma is just a little bit less. Hopefully people will be more compassionate, more respectful and kinder towards others. Maybe, it helps one person feel better about themselves even if that person is me.

This past weekend I was having a a couple of bad days. When this happens I refer to it as not feeling the love. It is time for me to think of myself, practice self care and be with myself. I shared this on social media and got lots of positive words of encouragement and only one negative response. I considered the source and moved on. 

The beauty and curse of living with depression and anxiety is that it can come out of the blue like it did on Saturday morning. I was reading up on my routine medical procedure I am having at the end of the week. My subconscious mind took over and than I started having doubts and running through every negative scenario my mind could think of.  I know it was wrong, however how do you tell your mind to shut out the negative thoughts? 

I am buoyed and comforted by my amazing network. They have always come through for me. It is now 4 days out from my procedure and I am confident that everything will go well and the result will come back in a favourable way for me. Maybe I had to have all those irrational fears and thoughts. 

One thing I know is that I am going to continue to share my journey with depression and anxiety on social media. If you don’t like it you can unfollow me. I will not be hurt or offended. I have become an open book with many chapters still to write and share. 

The Rise And Fall Of The Rise And Fall

 Last night I watched the Republican National Convention. It was a train wreck and farcical, however, like any train wreck I felt compelled to watch. It made me want to throw up at every speaker. The worshiping of this misogynistic, narcissistic imbecile dumpster fire Orange menace currently occupying the Oval Office was revolting. 

After watching my anxiety skyrocketed and it took several hours to settle back down. I felt incredibly sad for the great people and country of the United States. I implore you to do the right thing on November 3rd and not give this POS another 4 years. 

In the late afternoon yesterday I was feeling buoyant and upbeat at the great stance taken by professional athlete’s to boycott their games, take a stand. Thank you Milwaukee Bucks for starting the boycott. The National Hockey League had a moment of reflection and played on. Cowards and always a reactive league and not progressive. 

Today the Dumpster Fire first unleashed his minion Jared (slum landlord) Kushner to say about the sports boycott that “they are lucky and rich enough to be able to take a night off from work”.  Than the Dumpster Fire got in on the act by saying “ I know their ratings have been very bad, I think people are a little tired of the NBA frankly. They have become like a political organization and that’s not a good thing  I don’t think that is a good thing for sports or the country”.

Racism can be so subtle, it is like a dog whistle. Did you hear the dog whistle in the 2 quotes? It was there loud and clear. Subtle yet effective. This is white narcissistic privilege. It makes me sick. They have convinced some of the public to drink the Kool-Aid unfortunately it work in 2016. Please don’t let it work again this year. 

The rhetoric is disgusting offering up lie after lie, mistruths at every turn. Gaslighting the public at every turn. Creating fear and dividing and conquering. No wonder our (my) mental health teeters on the brink. 

I am an eternal optimist, glass half full type of guy, however, my resources are becoming depleted and we still have 60+ days to go. I place my faith in karma. What goes around comes around and their is always a price to pay for our actions. 

Be kind always and listen for the dog whistle. When you hear it, call it out.

August has been a sad month so far.

 In my home province we have seen an uptake in COVID cases over the last month. The one positive to all this is that very few of the cases have been community transmission. Most of the cases are connected to existing cases or retaliated to travel.

I know many of us are getting pandemic fatigue, wanting to get back to normal whatever that looks like. The normal that we have come to know is gone forever. The new normal we better get used to which includes masks social distancing and repetitive hand washing. 

Masks are to be worn in public places and cover the nose and mouth. In shops, public transit, schools, get used to it. If you don’t like it suck it up buttercup. Heaven forbid do not shame or take your frustration out on innocent people just doing their job. 

Even when a vaccine is introduced, the virus will still be around and people will still get sick and die from it. Just like the flu. Mask wearing will be common place. 

If you do not want to wear a mask in public to go shopping, to travel, watch a movie, sporting event that is your choice. Or just don’t do those things. Your sense of privilege is noted however, don’t blame other people that your freedom is somehow being compromised. Don’t shame other people for following the rules and not flaunting them like you with privilege do.  It is a necessary restriction, like wearing a seatbelt while driving  

Every time you do one’s mental health is compromised. The mental health numbers have increased during this pandemic. I know mine has wavered substantially. I have had some lows my depression and anxiety have been at the utmost. I have reached out to my counsellor, my friends, my network and received the support I needed at the time. One of the greatest healing methods for me is to hear the voice of my grandson Oliver “Ollie”. His voice is so beautiful and blessed that it is hard not to have a smile on my face during and after the call.  

Be kind to all. Be supportive of all and we will get through this and learn to live with this virus. Be acceptive and respectful of the new normal and wear a damn mask. 

We all have a Story to Tell

 Six years ago and one day the world lost a gifted, talented, creative genius. He also was one of the most misunderstood people one would ever encounter. His public persona was a facade compared to his private persona. Robin Williams died by suicide August 11, 2014. 

He loved to entertain, he loved to put on a show and could do it at the drop of the hat. One of his best bits is the penultimate show of Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show. Watch it you will literally be rolling on the floor in tears from laughing so hard. Pure spontaneous adlib, improvisation. 

For years I marvelled in his comedic genius. Than as I became accepting of my depression and anxiety, I began to see past the humor to a man who was hurting, trying to escape his demons through humor. It is okay to not be okay. Robin’s greatest legacy other than his 3 children, is the joy and happiness he offered to others, particularly to those fighting their own personal battles. This was so evident in the roles he played in his most successful movies from Good Will Hunting playing a professor who sees genius in the schools caretaker to Good Morning Vietnam playing a DJ when he sees the reality of war and the effects it has on people. Dead Poets Society playing an idealistic teacher leaving a lasting impression on his students to Carpe Diem.

We all have a story to tell. We all are taking our path. It is ours no one can take it from us. They can choose walk along beside or let you go your own way, however, not impede on it in any way. Too many people impede or infringe because they think they know better or don’t believe you. I can vividly remember a family member saying to me “ You Can’t Blame Your Depression On Me “. Well in fact some aspects I did and still do. Be kind always. 

Hello August

July is always the toughest month of the year for me to get through. I have learned to deal with the fear of the month. It no longer paralyzes me, however, I am still affected by the events that happened to me in July. In particular Friday’s in July.

Let me explain. Over the last 30+ years family and friends have died in July and on Fridays.

 The first one was my cousin. She died by suicide. I had only met her a few times in our lives. However, a few years before her passing we spent considerable time together. As young adults we spent hours talking about the future and attempting to solve the world’s problems. Her death affected me greatly. The first time someone I knew died by suicide. For years when I saw a TV show or movie that showed her method I would leave the room, turn away or cover my eyes. When I hear someone died by suicide, I think of her. 

The second one was my uncle, her father. Almost 5 years to the day later and of course on a Friday. He was a wise and proud man who never got over the death of his youngest child. I believe that he died mentally and emotionally the day his daughter died and it took 5 years for his body to give in.

The third one was my father. A surreal day to say the least. He was my hero. My voice of reason. A leader, innovator, trailblazer, administrator, historian and survivor. I feel his presence everyday. You got it he died on a a Friday. 

Finally, my best friend of 25 years. Mike was a mini version of my father. We met in University when I was the student manager and he was the athletic trainer for the University Men’s Basketball team. A free spirit who lived life to the fullest culminating in 2003 when he climbed the second largest mountain in the world. I miss our weekly gathering of the bishops at the Cathedral for choir practice. Yes he died on a a Friday.

I was fearful of Friday’s in July asking myself the question who is next or would I be the next.  Living in fear was no fun. It consumed me, I didn’t want to go out, let alone work. I would work and then come home and not leave until Friday had passed. I credit my support network led by my soulmate and counselling to successfully overcome my fear. 

I now remember each person in a special way with a Scotch salute to my father and Hoisting a dark ale for Mike. My uncle and cousin I remember through my mental health awareness and my own journey with depression and anxiety. I recognize the importance of using the right terminology for mental health and work to educate people especially students by sharing my story to middle and high school aged students. 

It is okay to not be okay. The more we share and our open, the less the stigma will become. More people are being open about their struggles from the famous to you and I. We are all courageous for coming forward and recognize that sometimes our struggle has too strong a hold on us that the only way out is the ultimate way. There is nothing weak about this choice. People are choosing to end their pain through strength.  One of the famous people I admire was Robin Williams. A tremendously gifted and creative comedic genius who used his gift of comedy to mask his real feelings. Looking back at old movies and clips I can seen the pain and heartache. Lady Gaga an amazing entertainer who deals daily with anxiety and self worth images. Kristen Bell deals with post-Partum and works to create awareness around the disease. We can all do our part. The simplest and easiest thing to do is Be Kind and Be Supportive. We are all in the together.