Feeling Depleted

 I am emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally depleted. It has been a very long series of months since the pandemic started and we are nowhere near the end. 

I work in the healthcare field and have been deemed essential since the start of the pandemic. For the first couple of months we had to undergo screening before admitted to the office. However, since July we have been asked to self screen and undergo spot auditing. I have now been audited twice. I am asked how I arrived at the decision I am well enough to come to work. I ask myself and check how I am feeling. No headache, nausea, diarrhea, new cough etc. 

In telling the auditor all of this, I said that it doesn’t gauge our mental and emotional state. I have come to work physically healthy however, not mentally or emotionally. It is getting harder and harder to keep a stiff upper lip about my mental state. 

Thankfully, I have a great manager and nurses as colleagues who we check in with each other on a regular basis. Some days I feel extremely overwhelmed and ponder should I go to work or not as a result. I have read lots of articles about the effects the pandemic is having on our mental health. I know I can relate first hand. 

The events of the world take a heavy toll on our health. I live in Canada and are inundated with news from south of the border. This past weekend Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg lost her courageous battle with pancreatic cancer. Almost immediately the Dumpster Fire and his cronies were salivating over the fact of nominating a new Justice before the election. Hypocrites all of them. You see 4 years earlier when Justice Anthony Scalia died and Obama was President they fought tooth and nail to prevent him from nominating a successor. Now the tables have turned and the rules have changed. Really, it is disgusting, hypocritical, inappropriate, shameful and all of these elected officials suddenly have the worst case of amnesia. 

How can this type of behaviour not have an affect on our health. How can someone consistently lie and lie? As George said to Jerry on Seinfeld “ If you believe a lie long enough it becomes truth” How does the President and the Republican Senators look at themselves in the mirror everyday? I must admit I know because for me years ago lying became the easiest thing to do. One day when my partner was my girlfriend I had an awakening and took responsibility for my actions and embraced my anxiety and depression.

It is hard not to have the events of the world not play with our mental health. My partner and I both noticed me slipping last week. I reached out and made an appt with my counsellor. Next week can hardly wait. I also connected with my Nurse Practitioner. I went back to the basics by practicing self care and reaching out to my support network. 

As I have blogged before, I talk to strangers, say hi to everyone I encounter with a smile on my face, I make every effort to be kind. It does work, I have strangers Say hi to me before I have a chance to say hi to them. Overall life is good. However, I have to work twice as hard everyday to remain positive and not go negative. I do feel depleted and lacking energy motivation yet at the same time staying buoyant and hopeful for a brighter future. It sure does help to have a great grandson in my life. Shelley said I was calling out his name in my sleep. That is a sign, karma is at work. Life will get better. Hope springs eternal.  

The Well Feels Empty

 My anxiety is through the roof, I feel constantly overwhelmed, emotionally and mentally drained. When this combination the only thing I want to do emotional eat. Not just eat but eat comfort food. Mine is a big bag of popcorn and a couple of cans of ginger ale. I am diabetic so these are not good for me. My resilience is at an all time low. 

My resilience to fight off my triggers for depression and anxiety. My resilience to fight off cravings to food drink and unhealthy activity. My resilience to fight off negative influences. I am afraid I will spout off words and actions that will be harmful to myself and others. 

Back in August I felt like checking out. September is Suicide Prevention Month and evening though I haven’t felt like checking out I haven’t felt right either. Cases are rising all around. I just feel like cocooning again and riding out the pandemic. Reality kicks in and I am an essential worker so some days I drag my ass into work when I don’t feel like it. They tell us to stay home if we are sick (physically) what about if you are not feeling right mentally or emotionally as I have on more than my share of days during the pandemic.

It also doesn’t help when you see more and more people bucking the science and becoming anti maskers and anti pandemic believers. Saying it is a hoax or will just go away. Here in both Canada and south of the border. I see more people not wearing masks than wearing them  the other night I went to a Trivia night and our table of four were masked and one other person masked  the rest of the crowd  were younger were not masked  

I am a current event news junkie, however, now I hardly ever turn it on  the same old same old. US election rhetoric and pandemic news from all viewpoints. I can’t wait for November 3rd to be over and done. The vicious campaigns, no wonder good honest people don’t want to seek office. The media scrutiny is not worth it for most people. I once thought of running for public office, not anymore. It is not about policy it is about who can smear the other person the best/worst. That’s why politics attract the rich or the narcissistic people.

I finished an online course today about Indigenous Cultural Training. It was informative, insightful, and made me think about how incideous and horrible we were and still are to marginalized communities. I definitely have had my eyes and ears opened. As the adage goes When We Know Better, We Do Better . From now on I will do better  my theme for this year has been to Be Kind. I have been and respect that everyone has a story to tell that we know nothing about  

Be Kind Always, Respect Others

 and Wear A Damn Mask  

An Impactful and Surreal Day, We Will Never Forget.

 Nineteen years ago the world changed. On this fateful day 3,000+ plus innocent people were just starting their day not knowing this would be their last day on earth. 

Fear and terror struck early and often. It is a day anyone over 25 years of age will remember were they were. I had just gotten out of the shower when my roommate yelled out a plane has just hit the world trade centre. I thought “Holy Shit that must have been some wicked fog for that to happen“ . Only to see the tv screen and the second plane approaching the second tower. 

My immediate thought was terrorism has struck America by who. My next thought was my father has a cousin who was a lawyer in Manhattan and hoped he was safe. Getting to work and finding out the third plane had slammed into the Pentagon. I thought of a Toastmaster friend who worked at the Pentagon and hoped he was safe.

The President ordered all aircraft throughout America to immediately land at the closest airport. This affected Canada and here in Winnipeg we had within the hour 35 planes landing. The largest being a Northwest jumbo jet from Detroit to Tokyo. People were offering to billet stranded passengers and provide food. The kindness kept on coming. Then the fourth plane crashed in rural Pennsylvania after the passengers rebelled. Watch the movie United 93. You will not be disappointed.

It was hard to concentrate on work that day. Everyone was focused on the events. We even had a big meeting where we all discussed the events and leaned on each other for support.

Sports were cancelled, every tv station had the events and aftermath on. It was hard to get away. About 7 pm I went for a walk. The streets were bare, hardly any activity. I walked and ended up at my fathers place. He lived about 3 km away and on a flight path which was eerily silent except for the drone of a military plane flying nearby.

Luckily he was home, the door was open. I heard his booming voice inviting me in and for the next 3 hours we sat drinking scotch single malt and talking about the day. Well truth be told my dad was a history professor so I got the best lesson I ever had. He was teaching a class when word broke and he gave his class the same lesson he gave me. I learned more about Al-Quiada and Bin Laden and why they did what they did.  

On Sept 10 night I had been out with my friend Mike doing our usual Monday Night tradition of watching MNF at our local establishment. Millions of people were going about their lives not knowing what the future held.

We have all heard the stories of bravery, valour, heroism, compassion and kindness that came out of that day. From the firefighters and police officers racing up the stairs to their impending demise in the towers as Survivors were on their way down. To the people of Gander and Newfoundland who gave of themselves and developed life long bonds wth the displaced passengers stranded by the airspace shutdown. Their stories chronicled in the award winning play Come From Away. 

Even today we are hearing untold stories from that day. We can never forget. We have embraced the changes that have been imposed on us from that day. The world has for the most part gotten better and braver. Even today when we are struggling with the COVID pandemic we will emerge stronger and better for the experience. Be kind, compassionate and respectful always. We never know what people are dealing with. Everyone has their own story. 

Narcissism Affects My Mental Health

 The President of the United States is a real piece of work. His 3 and a half year reign as President has been a sickening display of narcissistic, misogynistic, lying, bullying behaviour. Thousands of innocent lives have been lost and ruined by this Dumpster Fire Orange Menace POS. 

The stories keep on getting worse, every day brings a new scandal, a new revelation, a new lie. Anybody who criticizes him is either fired or he claims it is fake news. His so called empire is a total house of cards. Why is he vehemently working to protect the releasing of his tax records; because he doesn’t want it publicly known that he is not as wealthy as he claims and that h8s whole life is a sham. 

He only cares about people with the same last name as his or are related to someone with the same last name. Unless you speak negatively of him. Example his niece and sister. He had thrown them under the bus. He is such a super narcissist that if you aren’t kissing his ass he has no time for you. He holds grudges and has a strong hatred for women who he can’t control (Hilary Clinton and Kamala Harris) just to name two. 

He has famously gone on record saying he would date his daughter if she wasn’t his daughter. How creepy is that. That statement is so misogynistic and disgusting. The reason he has sucked up to dictators like Putin and the North Korean guy is so he can figure out how to be President for life. It has already started. 

I live in Canada and my mental health has been dramatically affected by this asshole and everything he spews from inciting riots, dividing the nation and insisting on COVID 19 going away. He dismissed one of his biggest supporters death (Herman Cain) that he contracted COVID 19 at the Tulsa rally. It was a super spreader event.

He has tried to bully his way to manage and control the narrative  at every end. He cuts people off, doesn’t answer any question he doesn’t like. He will not acknowledge anyone who isn’t sucking up to him.  He is unfit and incapable of the office. 

I pray for the American people, I hope you make the right decision November 3rd  I am afraid that anarchy may result regardless of the outcome and my anxiety is through the roof just writing that.

How can we get back to peace, love, integrity and kindness. It can happen.

The Bark Was Worse Than The Bite

 The first week of September has been interesting to say the least. Work wise it was a short week due to taking Thurs and Fri off. Usually, I would be happy and looking forward to having days off prior to the long weekend. However, the two days off were for prep and procedure for medical purposes. 

They were bookended by my sweetie’s latest foray into stand up comedy. Going back in time she was Winnipeg’s funniest person with a day job runner up in 2006. Comedy, humor and laughter have always been a huge part of her life. Growing up in a small town, having wonderful parents and siblings who saw the humor in everything. It became a natural extension of her persona. Laughter is the great equalizer and humor can be found at every turn.

She was part of an open mic night. One of seventeen performers and she rocked it. Out of the seventeen she was either the best or second best on the night. Three nights later she put her name into the hat for women’s open mic night. So we waited and waited then finally at 8:00 pm we got the call. She was number 4 out of 12 and the show starts at 9:00 pm. So we got ready and off we went. 

The host was an amazing funny lady full of spunk who seamlessly kept the night flowing from one comic to the next. I would like to be able to tell you that Shell rocked it, she had a few funny lines, however, it wasn’t her night. She is not discouraged. The open comedy mic community is vibrant. 

On the Thursday I started the prep for my procedure, no solid food all day, no coffee, no drink with any colour in it. No coffee what was I to do.. it was going to be a long day. As the day wore on I thought I got this and than the evening cam and had to drink CoLyte 4 litres over 4 hours. 

I was told that being near a bathroom was an important piece. To take a book with you. Well they were right. It was a long 4 hours. Enough to take one’s appetite away. I persevered and got my bowels cleaned out and even slept a few hours.

Awoke at 6:10 having to be at the hospital for 6:30, made it with time to spare. I beat everyone the dept was not open yet. I was soon taken in to the prep room. I was attended by a bevy of nurses and then wheeled to the procedure room. The doctor came in and said the procedure would only take 20 min. I was put under with two sedatives and woke up 8n the recovery room 20 min later they said I could go home. 

I was considered to be impaired for 24 hours. I could not drive a vehicle, drink alcohol, operate power tools and most importantly not make any important or legal decisions. Shelley would have to pick the Netflix shows to watch the rest of the day. 

A week ago I was apprehensive and my depression and anxiety kicked in thinking about. Wondering what they would find. I thought the worst of course and preliminary findings were all clear. I didn’t know how I would handle the 50 hours without solid food or the 48 hrs without coffee. Well I did and the procedures bark turned out to be worse than it’s bite.