From Darkness To Light

 There are 4 common reactions to situations and I have perfected all of them. Not always in a good way. I learned about the 4rth one earlier this week. The reaction of Fawning. Fawning is a response rooted in trauma. Bending over backwards to please someone.

It is immediately reacting to try to please others to avoid any conflict. Otherwise known as people pleasing. This was me for most of my life. 

I am starting to break away from this however, when it has been deep rooted and ingrained it’s going to take some time and therapy. 

I was under the spell of a narcissistic parent. This parent was manipulative, bullying and at a young age I absorbed the feelings and emotions and became enmeshed. It was hard because I grew up not fully experiencing life. I was always concerned of not making the parent angry or upset. I would agree with the parent. I was more concerned of making the narcissistic parent happy than taking care of myself. 

My interactions with a certain gender suffered. My relationships suffered. I became a broken person. I was led to believe to be afraid and scared of everything. This parent made it seem that they were the only one who could save and rescue me. This parent lorded it over me by buying me things and going on trips which neither of us could afford. As a result I ended up with money issues. Credit card debt. I became ashamed of and only now am I actively getting a handle on this. 

I had an inclination that something wasn’t right with all this. However, I was too entrenched to see the light at the end of tunnel. It wasn’t until 12 years ago that I met a wonderful lady who helped me see the light and is still leading me out of darkness. 

One of the best things that ever happened to me was being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I now knew what I was dealing with all those years ago. 

From darkness to light I keep moving forward and I recognize the 4 prominent reactions Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn and the role they play in my life and how I react to situations. 

Check out this website mindbodygreen.com

Athletes Using Their Platforms

 Over the last couple of weeks professional athletes have been in the spotlight for other things rather than their sport of choice. To note, Kirk Cousins and Aaron Rodgers are very talented football players and have become polarized figures for a simple reason. A reason that I disagree with. They have made the choice to be non vaccinated and to the detriment of their team and fellow players. 

Not to mention Mr. Rodgers played games with the media and his team giving false information about his vaccination status. Even breaking league rules by appearing in public without a mask. Kirk Cousins missed a key game that had his team won would have prolonged their playoff possibilities by a week.

They both chose at key times of the season to put themselves ahead of the team. They were self serving and exercised their white male privilege. Whether you like it or not you are role models for the next generation and the message you are sending is that rules don’t matter period. Being selfish is important in advancing your own self worth. Caring about personal gain rather than team gain.

In my lifetime I have been involved in many teams, sports, work, volunteer situations and many times I have put the team ahead of self for the greater good. I pride myself on being the consummate team player. Always willing to help out.

At a time when more and more people are taking mental health breaks from their profession. Many athletes have taken a step back from competing this past year. Simone Biles the GOAT of gymnastics recognizing during the Olympics something wasn’t right and took a step back. Two fantastic female tennis players also took mental health breaks Naomi Osaka and Bianca Andrescu. Naomi was heavily scrutinized for her decision initially. Liz Cubbage a leader on the Australian Women’s basketball team recognized that the athletes village at the Olympics was a conducive environment for her mental health. Many of the world’s top cricketers have taken mental health breaks. Calvin Ridley top running back for the Atlanta Falcons stepped away mid season.

Whatever the reason for taking a break, recognize it and react to the time away in a positive manner. Your physical and mental health will thank you. I

am ready to go back to work after taking my own mental health break. 

How did I spend the time? To be honest the week around Xmas was the toughest. Outside of that I have attended peer support groups, had an EAP session, have a professional appt tomorrow, got vaccine boosted and donated blood. Checked in daily with close friends and leaned on them as well as my wife for emotional health and support.

Listen to your body. If you need time away take it. Nobody will feel less of you and it is sign of strength not weakness. Stop putting yourself ahead of the greater good. Get vaccinated. 

Spinning My Tires

 Last Monday December 27, I went out to run an errand about 7 pm. Instead of running the errand, I got stuck in the soft snow. Had to have 3 people push me unstuck. To exacerbate the situation a car was parked in the fire lane which made it awkward for me to get a running start out of my spot. My anxiety was increasing by the second. 

When you are stuck in snow one of two things happen. You either spin your tires and go nowhere except digging a bigger rut. Or you can go forward a little back a little and rock the car. This is how you get unstuck. It worked for me. I decided not to continue the errand. I parked and started to go back inside the building. The person who had parked in the fire lane came out of the building. I said to him thanks for parking in the fire lane and causing me to get stuck. We both said choice words to each other. 

Shelley said where have you been, I told her the sordid detail. I was still worked up and took it out on Shell for no reason other than I was riled up. It caused tension between us for the next 20 hrs. I slept on the couch that night.  

As a result of our conflict I came to the realization courtesy of Shelley assistance that I am very selfish and can be very unkind and changes needed to be made if we were to continue.  The next day I started a kindness and gratitude journal. It was easy to start as I had my 40rth blood donation this day. Felt exhilarated, grateful and blessed. I asked the donor assistant if she gave blood and she offered she couldn’t however was a recipient of donated blood. The rest of day people mentioned to me that they have been recipients of donated blood. 

Shelley said I have been kinder, less selfish and most importantly she hasn’t had to yell at me. Just like the car getting stuck we have choices. We can keep spinning the wheels and dig a bigger hole or we can rock the car back and forth for a solution  I know which way is easiest and less hostile.