November draws to a close, it has been a month for the ages.
Ottawa Red Blacks Grey Cup Champions. Great game, lived up to expectations.
After a highly divisive campaign with two disliked candidates the United States did the unthinkable. They elected a misogynist, bully blowhard with no political experience as President.
A result that will leave the country further divided. A result that has produced riots in big cities because the vote didn't go their way.
One of the best things about the election was Saturday Night Live's electoral parodies. Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon nailing their portrayals of the candidates. Even having the decency and integrity to break character and urge Americans to vote.
You know you have made an impact on society when Trump took exception to his portrayal. If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen. It may get worse for you Donald and Alec Baldwin's parody of you will not be the worst of it. If any one was to be offended it would be Hillary who was portrayed in a lesser light.
As Dave Chappelle said on the November 12/16 episode of SNL, let's give Trump a chance, see what he can do. In that same episode Kate McKinnon gave a stirring rendition on the piano of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah as a fitting tribute.
Leonard Cohen was one of the famous people to leave us this month. A great Canadian who left his mark in many fields as a poet, singer, songwriter, composer and activist whose haunting voice will be hard to forget.
Other greats to leave us this month include Dave Broadfoot long time regular on the Royal Canadian Air Farce who brought us legendary characters as Sgt Renfrew and Big Bobby Clobber. He parodied 2 great institutions The Royal Canadian Mounted Police and the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Janet Reno, the first female Attorney General of the United States. Great actors such as Robert Vaughan (Man from Uncle and Law and Order), Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady) who most teens like me in the 1970's had a crush on. Ron Glass who played Detective Harris on the classic police comedy Barney Miller. Fidel Castro Prime Minister and President of Cuba. A polarizing figure in many ways.
One of the lasting images I have of him was in 2000 watching the funeral of Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, there was Fidel Castro seated beside Jimmy Carter.
I am pleased that President Barack Obama reestablished relations with Cuba. Obama will go down as a great President, no scandals in 8 years and encountered every criticism of him with grace, respect and dignity.
I was pleased to meet one of my heroes earlier this month Michael Landsberg. He was sharing his mental health story. A humble and blessed man. Two takeaways from his story that I can relate to when I am depressed. First " when I am having depressive moments, the first thing to go is self confidence". Second " depression robs us of the ability to experience joy".
No truer words are spoken about depression. Check out Michael's website www.sicknotweak.com
I am already looking forward to December and closing the year out on a high note.
Sunday, 27 November 2016
Evolution Under Construction
I am enjoying one of my favorite holidays, American Thanksgiving by watching football. It provides me with the opportunity to reassess and reenergize and look forward to 2017.
Last week I reflected on what would have been my father's 87th birthday. I drink scotch 2x a year, his favorite drink to his memory. Once on his birthday and once on the anniversary of his passing. He has been gone now for 11 years and miss him more and more each day. He loved history, current events and sports (the real football Chelsea was his favorite team).
I would of loved to ask him questions about the US election and his take on how a msogynist, racist, bully and blowhard is President elect. His insight as this vote came to fruition would have been valuable knowledge moving forward.
In the last 10 years of his life I understood him and worked hard to reignite a relationship with him. I stepped out of my comfort zone and stopped listening to other people's and my own viterol.
When I first started dating my partner, I thought I did not want her to meet my father had he been alive. My father like all of us had his flaws and one of his flaws was he liked women and had a wandering eye. He would bat his eyes at pretty women when I was with him in public. Because of my own flaws I was intimidated by pretty women.
I was extremely jealous, lacked confidence and didn't know how to talk to women. I went on a lot of first dates, not too many second or third dates. I was even stood up on several blind dates.
This is not to say I didn't have girlfriends because I did. I would somehow find a way to screw things up. By being jealous or just being a shit. I wad always trying to hard to please and not being myself.
The ironic thing is all but 2 of my former girlfriends I am friends with on social media. Do I guess I couldn't of been that much of a shit or else why are they friends with me on social media.
My current partner Shelley or Shell going on 6 and 1/2 years now, I feel like I hit the mother lode. We complete each other. She brought me out of my shell (pardon the pun) and showed me what you present to the world you will get back. She also showed me how to confront my demons and to stand up for myself.
When we first started dating I was angry, irritable and clearly in a rut going nowhere. My father told me to take risks and see where they take you. This is what I did with Shell when I asked her out via email. I am thankful every day that she accepted my request. She later told me she never turned down a date request when she was single.
About 4 months in we were out for a walk when she stopped me and said I think you are low grade depression. It made sense, all of the anger, irritability, outbursts and mood swings. I was depressed and had been depressed for many years going back to my teenage years when my parents seperated.
The layers of the onion were being peeled off and I was recalling all of these moments from the last 30+ years except now I added the context to them.
October 24, 2010 was a watershed moment. The recovery started and continues to be...
Last week I reflected on what would have been my father's 87th birthday. I drink scotch 2x a year, his favorite drink to his memory. Once on his birthday and once on the anniversary of his passing. He has been gone now for 11 years and miss him more and more each day. He loved history, current events and sports (the real football Chelsea was his favorite team).
I would of loved to ask him questions about the US election and his take on how a msogynist, racist, bully and blowhard is President elect. His insight as this vote came to fruition would have been valuable knowledge moving forward.
In the last 10 years of his life I understood him and worked hard to reignite a relationship with him. I stepped out of my comfort zone and stopped listening to other people's and my own viterol.
When I first started dating my partner, I thought I did not want her to meet my father had he been alive. My father like all of us had his flaws and one of his flaws was he liked women and had a wandering eye. He would bat his eyes at pretty women when I was with him in public. Because of my own flaws I was intimidated by pretty women.
I was extremely jealous, lacked confidence and didn't know how to talk to women. I went on a lot of first dates, not too many second or third dates. I was even stood up on several blind dates.
This is not to say I didn't have girlfriends because I did. I would somehow find a way to screw things up. By being jealous or just being a shit. I wad always trying to hard to please and not being myself.
The ironic thing is all but 2 of my former girlfriends I am friends with on social media. Do I guess I couldn't of been that much of a shit or else why are they friends with me on social media.
My current partner Shelley or Shell going on 6 and 1/2 years now, I feel like I hit the mother lode. We complete each other. She brought me out of my shell (pardon the pun) and showed me what you present to the world you will get back. She also showed me how to confront my demons and to stand up for myself.
When we first started dating I was angry, irritable and clearly in a rut going nowhere. My father told me to take risks and see where they take you. This is what I did with Shell when I asked her out via email. I am thankful every day that she accepted my request. She later told me she never turned down a date request when she was single.
About 4 months in we were out for a walk when she stopped me and said I think you are low grade depression. It made sense, all of the anger, irritability, outbursts and mood swings. I was depressed and had been depressed for many years going back to my teenage years when my parents seperated.
The layers of the onion were being peeled off and I was recalling all of these moments from the last 30+ years except now I added the context to them.
October 24, 2010 was a watershed moment. The recovery started and continues to be...
Friday, 21 October 2016
Taking some control over Something I can't control
In my last blog I mentioned that I was depressed and didn't really know why. I thought it was stress related which it is. I believe that the American election is making me depressed. Two of the most disliked candidates in American history. On one hand you have the pompous, narcissistic, misogynist windbag Donald Trump and on the other hand you have a career public servant who is not seen as trustworthy by a large swath of the American public Hillary Clinton.
I think initially this was a media dream matchup created by the media. However, with less than 3 weeks before the election and November 8th can't come soon enough, many Americans are saying is this the best we have to offer.
The three Presidential debates although have been great for comic relief and late night fodder, they lacked the substance of real debates discussing real issues affecting people's lives. All they did was degenerate into pissing matches with each side trading insults against each other.
Trump trying to defend his life and repeating his same old tired message of make America Great Again by building a wall, taking great pride in his endorsement form the NRA, calling his opponent crooked Hillary and that nasty women.
Hillary who has some substance and not much credibility baited him at every opportunity. She gave him the rope and he put the noose around his neck.
America is in bad shape for the next 4 years. I wish we could have another 4 years of Obama. There has got to be better people to step up to the plate in 4 years time. Joe Biden yes, Ted Cruz no (thank god he denounced his Canadian citizenship, we don't want him)
Trump is a bully and with bullies they enjoy putting other people down and when the tables are turned like Alec Baldwin satirising him on SNL they suddenly don't want to play the game. You can't have it both ways, and if the heat is too hot, get out of the kitchen.
We all have people in our life, who are bullies and push our buttons. Bullies lack something that they feel they need to put you down in order to feel good about themselves.
I think initially this was a media dream matchup created by the media. However, with less than 3 weeks before the election and November 8th can't come soon enough, many Americans are saying is this the best we have to offer.
The three Presidential debates although have been great for comic relief and late night fodder, they lacked the substance of real debates discussing real issues affecting people's lives. All they did was degenerate into pissing matches with each side trading insults against each other.
Trump trying to defend his life and repeating his same old tired message of make America Great Again by building a wall, taking great pride in his endorsement form the NRA, calling his opponent crooked Hillary and that nasty women.
Hillary who has some substance and not much credibility baited him at every opportunity. She gave him the rope and he put the noose around his neck.
America is in bad shape for the next 4 years. I wish we could have another 4 years of Obama. There has got to be better people to step up to the plate in 4 years time. Joe Biden yes, Ted Cruz no (thank god he denounced his Canadian citizenship, we don't want him)
Trump is a bully and with bullies they enjoy putting other people down and when the tables are turned like Alec Baldwin satirising him on SNL they suddenly don't want to play the game. You can't have it both ways, and if the heat is too hot, get out of the kitchen.
We all have people in our life, who are bullies and push our buttons. Bullies lack something that they feel they need to put you down in order to feel good about themselves.
The election is totally out of my control. It is going forward regardless. That's often what life offers us and we get
depressed. But, in every situation,
there is a way, somehow to take control of some part of the issues that makes
us depressed. Even researching online,
but doing something that helps you take control.
How, I have dealt with my depression the last few weeks is listening and watching people like John Oliver, Samantha Bee (great Canadian), Bill Maher, Steven Colbert, Trevor Noah rip the candidates and the process to shreds. They truly say laughter is the best medicine and these 2 blowhards have been great comic relief not so great for America going forward. Lets all pray for America they will need it
Friday, 14 October 2016
A Page I Want to Turn
I haven't been feeling right for about a month now. I am flat emotionally and out of sorts.
I am allowing the little things to get the better of me. The other day, a perfect example, the zipper on my jacket got messed up and it threw me off for several hours if not the whole day.
Earlier this week I missed work and my brother asked me if it was physical or mental. I replied both. When I returned to work the next day, my manager asked the same question, I replied the same and she said mental health days are important and I am in need of one myself.
Several months ago I was having a stressful day at work. I had been given several new clients in the same week and I said I can't take another one. As soon as I said this one of the nurses said I have a new client for you. I turned around and wanted to tell them to f...off. I bit my tongue instead (still hurts), smiled and said when do you want it to start.
Fake it to you make it, I said as I walked back to my desk.
Last week at work I had a similar situation. I let one of the nurses get to me (push my buttons), all the hairs on my neck stood at attention. I wanted to tell her how I felt except again I smiled and said how can I help you. I then went and vented with one of my support network. It is great to have support close by at work.
I have gained 10 lbs over the last couple of weeks. When I am depressed I reach for my comfort food, snacks and lots of carbs. In fact my partner said the other day, I see you are having another protein free meal.
I am depressed right now. I think it is stress related.
Stress over family, work, health, money. Stress is a bitch.
Right now is a bad page in my book of life. At times like this I have to remind myself that these lapses will happen from time to time. I have to project positive energy so that the lapse doesn't become a relapse
I am allowing the little things to get the better of me. The other day, a perfect example, the zipper on my jacket got messed up and it threw me off for several hours if not the whole day.
Earlier this week I missed work and my brother asked me if it was physical or mental. I replied both. When I returned to work the next day, my manager asked the same question, I replied the same and she said mental health days are important and I am in need of one myself.
Several months ago I was having a stressful day at work. I had been given several new clients in the same week and I said I can't take another one. As soon as I said this one of the nurses said I have a new client for you. I turned around and wanted to tell them to f...off. I bit my tongue instead (still hurts), smiled and said when do you want it to start.
Fake it to you make it, I said as I walked back to my desk.
Last week at work I had a similar situation. I let one of the nurses get to me (push my buttons), all the hairs on my neck stood at attention. I wanted to tell her how I felt except again I smiled and said how can I help you. I then went and vented with one of my support network. It is great to have support close by at work.
I have gained 10 lbs over the last couple of weeks. When I am depressed I reach for my comfort food, snacks and lots of carbs. In fact my partner said the other day, I see you are having another protein free meal.
I am depressed right now. I think it is stress related.
Stress over family, work, health, money. Stress is a bitch.
Right now is a bad page in my book of life. At times like this I have to remind myself that these lapses will happen from time to time. I have to project positive energy so that the lapse doesn't become a relapse
Sunday, 25 September 2016
Continuing to Mourn Through September
Last weekend I lost a friend and mentor. Rudi was a wise man who I first met in 1989. We were both in Toastmasters. He was in the local leadership and was helpful when we were starting our club.
Our friendship started in 1991 when he took me under his wing and I became his Sargent-at-Arms when he was the leader. It was an education for me as I learned more about the local organization and life in general. Rudi was my guide and confidante. He was always forwarding advice about public speaking and leadership.
Several years ago, I put out a call for assistance in helping a club I was working with. Rudi was the only person who answered my call.
He was full of compassion and integrity. He was ethical, moral and always took the high road. This is what he imparted upon me.
It had been several years since I saw him. We did keep in touch via social media. I enjoyed his witty retorts. He referenced himself as a grumpy old man. This could not have been further from the truth. I miss him already.
Even before hearing of my friends passing I was feeling depleted with low energy. September stirs up memories for me. Memories of loved ones. Three years ago my Aunt June died. She was wise and intelligent. A goldsmith by trade, well read, well versed. Her dugout (yes her dugout) in central Australia was covered with books, movies and sources of wisdom. I loved visiting, we would spend hours talking. Het town mined 70% of the world's opals. It was full of characters chasing their dreams of striking it rich. Or in some cases it was a good place to escape to or from.
Two years ago, my partner's mother died. Lil was special, a survivor in every sense of the word. She loved her family and welcomed me with open arms into her family. When life would put her backwards, she would find a way to take two steps forward. I was her sweetheart.
Why am I sharing about recent deaths? Rightly or wrongly I have a morbid fascination with death. I read obituaries every day. Death affects me a lot. It takes a part of my soul, my fabric. I start thinking about my own mortality. What will my obituary say? Can I measure up to other people? Who will come to my celebration of life? Who will speak at it?
Whenever someone I know dies my depression makes me feel not worthy enough. I want to be more confident in my own life and abilities. I do not want to judge myself against other people. If I can get to this point than I can truly celebrate life and cherish past memories.
I continue to be a work in progress...
Our friendship started in 1991 when he took me under his wing and I became his Sargent-at-Arms when he was the leader. It was an education for me as I learned more about the local organization and life in general. Rudi was my guide and confidante. He was always forwarding advice about public speaking and leadership.
Several years ago, I put out a call for assistance in helping a club I was working with. Rudi was the only person who answered my call.
He was full of compassion and integrity. He was ethical, moral and always took the high road. This is what he imparted upon me.
It had been several years since I saw him. We did keep in touch via social media. I enjoyed his witty retorts. He referenced himself as a grumpy old man. This could not have been further from the truth. I miss him already.
Even before hearing of my friends passing I was feeling depleted with low energy. September stirs up memories for me. Memories of loved ones. Three years ago my Aunt June died. She was wise and intelligent. A goldsmith by trade, well read, well versed. Her dugout (yes her dugout) in central Australia was covered with books, movies and sources of wisdom. I loved visiting, we would spend hours talking. Het town mined 70% of the world's opals. It was full of characters chasing their dreams of striking it rich. Or in some cases it was a good place to escape to or from.
Two years ago, my partner's mother died. Lil was special, a survivor in every sense of the word. She loved her family and welcomed me with open arms into her family. When life would put her backwards, she would find a way to take two steps forward. I was her sweetheart.
Why am I sharing about recent deaths? Rightly or wrongly I have a morbid fascination with death. I read obituaries every day. Death affects me a lot. It takes a part of my soul, my fabric. I start thinking about my own mortality. What will my obituary say? Can I measure up to other people? Who will come to my celebration of life? Who will speak at it?
Whenever someone I know dies my depression makes me feel not worthy enough. I want to be more confident in my own life and abilities. I do not want to judge myself against other people. If I can get to this point than I can truly celebrate life and cherish past memories.
I continue to be a work in progress...
Monday, 5 September 2016
The Age of Innocence
Last month the Rio olympics produced spectacular accomplishments and wonderful stories off inspiration and human survival. Watching the Olympics, brought me back to the time 40 years ago when I was a precocious 12 yr old attended the Montreal Olympics.
My parents, brother and I spent 2 weeks in and around Montreal caught up in Olympic fever. We saw a wide range of events culminating with the closing ceremonies. When we were not attending events we would hang out at the Olympic park meeting and interacting with people from all over the world. I enjoyed meeting and talking with people. Showing no fear.
One of our favorited places to hang out was the practice track in behind Olympic stadium. It was open to the public. You could sit in the bleachers and watch atheletes practice. One day we sat and watched. To my right was this young muscular black man putting on his running shoes. I walked over to him and asked him what event he was practicing for. He said 400 metre hurdles. I asked what country he was competing for, he said I am Edwin Moses from the USA. Edwin Moses who would only go on to be the greatest hurdler in the world at the time. I regret not getting an autograph. The few minutes of conversation will linger in my memory forever.
Today, we would not be able to get that close to atheletes without tons of security. We were there the night Nadia Comeneci recorded the first perfect score in gymnastics. We were there the final night of swimming when Canadan female swimmers upset the favorite American women to win silver and bronze. The crowd went ballistic. The American swimmers who won medals would toss mini footballs into the crowd.
We saw the men's semi final basketball match between Canada and USA. The Canadians got beaten badly. We saw the women's gold medal match. I can't remember who was playing, What I do remember was seeing not meeting Wilt Chamberlain in the crowd.
We watched the men's gold medal volleyball Match between Soviet Union and Poland. The Soviets were up 2 sets to none and up 11-4 in the third game, seemingly cruising to victory. Poland roared back to win in 5 sets. The game ended at 1:30 in the morning. I didn't know a lot about volleyball, however, sat beside an American who was coaching the national team of Kenya. He taught me over the course of the game all about volleyball and Africa. This game is considered the greatest volleyball match of all time.
We saw lots of track and field and soccer. Some of the atheletes we saw were the great Finnish long distance runner Lasse Viren who after winning the 5,000 and 10,000 meters race ran his first marathon and finished 5th. Just ahead of the best finish by a Canadian in the marathon Jerome Drayton who was 6th.
The great Cuban runner Alberto Juantareno the only person to complete the 200 meter and 400 meter double in Olympic history. The silver medalist in these races was a Belgian runner Ivo Van Damme who was tragically killed in a car accident a few months after the Olympics.
We saw Greg Joy upset the brash Dwight Stones to win silver in the high jump. Saw Bruce/Catlyn Jenner win the decathlon.
We saw the closing ceremonies. In one segment they had nuns from a convent in Montreal form the Olympic Rings. The ring right in front of us was just closing when a young man jumped out of the stands gained access to the ring and took of his clothes and streaked around inside the circle to the shocked looks of the nuns. After all it was the 70's and streakers were prevalent.
Two wonderful weeks, meeting and seeing outstanding atheletes and people. I wanted to still be that innocent young 12 year old who would not be afraid to talk to people. Sadly, a few short years later my life would be shaped in a different direction and that age of innocence would be gone forever.
Every summer Olympics I relive the summer of 1976.
Revelations
Last week I was interviewed for a campaign video. A company will use this video to entice their employees to donate money for the local United Way campaign in conjunction with the local CMHA chapter.
I shared my story, my personal story on dealing and living with depression. Although formally diagnosed in 2010, I have dealing with depression since I was 15.
At this age my parents separated. My father left and I lived with my mother. I love my mother dearly, however, she had no capacity to raise a teenager. She did her best, it wasn't what I needed and soon found myself being co-dependent on her as she was on me. It was not healthy. I did not see it.
I was too wrapped up in my little world of being shy and introverted and withdrawn. While at the same time I was also angry, irritable, frustrated and mad at the world. I could explode with outbursts at any time. Thank god they were verbal not physical outbursts. The words could be damaging and inappropriate.
Most of my anger was directed at my father for leaving the family. I bought into what my family was saying about him. The interactions I had with my father at this time were strained and forced. He was trying and I wasn't. It would be a couple of years until I got through the BULLSHIT.
In my early 20's I was presented with a great opportunity and made the most of it. The opportunity was to be the student manager for the University Men's basketball team. I grew up and matured and learned about myself. I came away from that experience with a lifetime of memories and lifelong friendships.
In my first year I almost blew it because I was trying to hard to impress. I was a people pleaser. Several times my emotions would get the better of me and I would lash out at my teammates for no reason.
They were my saving grace. They were a few years older than me and I learned valuable life lessons. They said just be myself, we like you when you are. On a road trip, after a tough loss I shared my story. They were supportive and offered advice on how to improve my relations with my father .
I took heed and after a short period of time my father and I found common ground in sports, history, current events and crossword puzzles. It took a few years, I did repair my relationship with my father.
I shared my story, my personal story on dealing and living with depression. Although formally diagnosed in 2010, I have dealing with depression since I was 15.
At this age my parents separated. My father left and I lived with my mother. I love my mother dearly, however, she had no capacity to raise a teenager. She did her best, it wasn't what I needed and soon found myself being co-dependent on her as she was on me. It was not healthy. I did not see it.
I was too wrapped up in my little world of being shy and introverted and withdrawn. While at the same time I was also angry, irritable, frustrated and mad at the world. I could explode with outbursts at any time. Thank god they were verbal not physical outbursts. The words could be damaging and inappropriate.
Most of my anger was directed at my father for leaving the family. I bought into what my family was saying about him. The interactions I had with my father at this time were strained and forced. He was trying and I wasn't. It would be a couple of years until I got through the BULLSHIT.
In my early 20's I was presented with a great opportunity and made the most of it. The opportunity was to be the student manager for the University Men's basketball team. I grew up and matured and learned about myself. I came away from that experience with a lifetime of memories and lifelong friendships.
In my first year I almost blew it because I was trying to hard to impress. I was a people pleaser. Several times my emotions would get the better of me and I would lash out at my teammates for no reason.
They were my saving grace. They were a few years older than me and I learned valuable life lessons. They said just be myself, we like you when you are. On a road trip, after a tough loss I shared my story. They were supportive and offered advice on how to improve my relations with my father .
I took heed and after a short period of time my father and I found common ground in sports, history, current events and crossword puzzles. It took a few years, I did repair my relationship with my father.
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