Christmas Reflections Part 1

Christmas for a lot of people is not always the happiest of times. For myself, I find my mental health wavers during December. The reason for this is my outer personality presents as a Scrooge and my inner personality loves the spirit of the season. My partner is among several of my friends who are grieving during this time due to a loss of a parent or a sibling.

I love Christmas because I like playing Santa Claus and bringing smiles to people of all ages. I embrace the real meaning of Christmas and enjoy doing the little things to make people happy. Going the extra mile to help someone out in need.

Over the last 10 years I have come along way and changed dramatically. I was insecure, distant, jealous and an envious shit of a man surrounded by negativity. This was most evident at Christmas time.

I have come a long way and still have a ways to go. The other day I was having lunch with my work friend. We first met 10 years ago and she saw me then as a closed, distant hard to get a read on and hard to know. Now she sees me as an open book, confident, funny and good to be around. We have become good friends where we can share openly with each other.

In the past I have been to quick to judge and I would reject and dismiss people before they had a chance to reject and dismiss me. Each day I am learning to become more supportive and less judgemental.

The other day I was at the bar for a drink and another patron who had been there for a while and had a few too many started to become belligerent when he was cut off. He started swearing at everyone and refused to leave when asked.

What brought on this behaviour, I will never know. Maybe Christmas is not a good time of year for him. The lesson learned is walk a mile in another' shoes and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. We do not know what they are dealing with.

I do not have all my shit together and I need to afford others the same courtesy.

The Spirit of the Season

It is the week before Christmas and as I blogged earlier I am conflicted by the Christmas season.

Thirty years ago Christmas Eve my Sunday school students had just presented their portion of the Christmas concert. Out of nowhere my brother shows up with a Santa Claus suit. He wants me to dress and go to his sister-in-law's place.

As I was changing into the suit and after I had gotten dressed my students came by and said hi Andrew. I went and played Santa Claus that night and thus began a love/hate affair I have with the Christmas season.

I love dressing up and playing Santa Claus and bringing joy to everyone. For seven years I was Santa Claus for my company's kid's Christmas party. In latter years I have been Santa Claus at the personal care home where my partner works. From the young to the old the reactions are the same smile, awe, excitement and people trying to pull off your beard. I would also do visits for friends and their kids, siblings or parents. Everyone enjoyed a visit from Santa Claus.

On December 24, 1997 I agreed to be Santa for my friends sister who was in hospital. After work I came home and changed into my suit and set out on the drive across town. People would honk at me at traffic lights. Kids would point through car windows with big smiles on their faces.

I parked across the street from the hospital and grabbed my basket of candy canes. A transit bus had stopped at the traffic light. I crossed the street and he tooted and motioned me to the bus door. I got in the bus and said my HoHoHo's and passed out candy canes.

Five minutes later I walked in the hospital front door. As I walked to the elevator I stopped and said hi to everyone I saw. My heart was pounding and I was hoping that when the door opened it would be empty. It was.

I had four floors to compose myself. The elevator doors opened and my friend was waiting for me. We hugged and she thanked me for doing this. The room was at the far end of the hall past the nursing station. Anyone in the hallway I stopped and talked to.

Finally we reached the room. My heart was pounding and I was sweating on the inside. My friend asked if I was ready, I said lets do it and did a quick check to ready and steady myself.

I walked into the room ringing my bells saying HoHoHo and Merry Christmas greeting the 3 other people in the room. I turned around and saw Bonnie lying on the bed with tubes in her. I reached my hand out and touched her hand, at this moment a wry but pleasant smile came on her face.  Her mouth opened and she let out a snort of laughter.  A calm came over me and all that nervousness went away.   I stayed for a while, lots of pictures were taken, and I made my farewell and my friend walked me to the elevator.  While waiting for the elevator, a woman came to me and asked me to visit her husband.

I walked into a room and saw a motionless gentleman with his mouth agape.  I reached out and took his hand.  He tried to talk but no words came.  All of a sudden, a little smile came across his face.   The smile grew.

I stayed for a while and his wife hugged me as I left.  She had tears streaming down her face.  She thanked me and told me her husband had a severe stroke months ago.  She told me that today was his first smile since the strike.  I thanked her and wished her a Merry Christmas.  

I was glad the elevator was empty.  I was still numb when I stepped into the cold winter air.  I cried all the way to my car.  Tears of joy and gratitude.

I was so sincerely humbled and proud that I could positively affect someone.  This was the spirit of Christmas.  Every time I become Santa, I recall this day confident that I carry the Christmas spirit with me.

Peace on Earth

Here we are December, last month of the year and the holidays to boot. The Christmas Season. A time where I give an outworldy appearance of being a scrooge. Inwardly, I enjoy Christmas and the true spirit of the season.

Doing the little things; going the extra mile to lend a helping hand or put a smile on someone's face. One thing I do and have done for the past 30 years is be Santa Claus (I have my own suit). Last week I was Santa Claus at my partner's work a Personal Care Home. The smiles on the residents faces melts my heart. They are so appreciative and excited to see me. Some of the residents follow me around singing, dancing and trying to pull my beard off.

This year I had an assistant, one of the nurse's sons went around with me handing out candy canes. Ben was so excited that when his mom tried to take him to the mall to see Santa, he told the Santa you are not real, the real Santa comes to my mom's work.

An ultimate compliment paid to me.

You are probably thinking he plays Santa Claus how can I be scrooge. Well I cannot stand the idea of buying presents for people who will not appreciate it no matter what is given. I cannot stand the idea that the gift giving is about outdoing each other to see who gets the biggest, baddest, best present of them all. The stores start advertising and selling Christmas merchandise earlier and earlier each year. By the time December 25th rolls around I am already sick of the commercialization of it.

It can be a very depressing time and I know my mental health wavers at this time of year. The simplest of things can and do bring the brightest rewards.

November musings

November draws to a close, it has been a month for the ages.

Ottawa Red Blacks Grey Cup Champions. Great game, lived up to expectations.

After a highly divisive campaign with two disliked candidates the United States did the unthinkable. They elected a misogynist, bully blowhard with no political experience as President.

A result that will leave the country further divided. A result that has produced riots in big cities because the vote didn't go their way.

One of the best things about the election was Saturday Night Live's electoral parodies. Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon nailing their portrayals of the candidates. Even having the decency and integrity to break character and urge Americans to vote.

You know you have made an impact on society when Trump took exception to his portrayal. If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen. It may get worse for you Donald and Alec Baldwin's parody of you will not be the worst of it. If any one was to be offended it would be Hillary who was portrayed in a lesser light.

As Dave Chappelle said on the November 12/16 episode of SNL, let's give Trump a chance, see what he can do. In that same episode Kate McKinnon gave a stirring rendition on the piano of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah as a fitting tribute.

Leonard Cohen was one of the famous people to leave us this month. A great Canadian who left his mark in many fields as a poet, singer, songwriter, composer and activist whose haunting voice will be hard to forget.

Other greats to leave us this month include Dave Broadfoot long time regular on the Royal Canadian Air Farce who brought us legendary characters as Sgt Renfrew and Big Bobby Clobber. He parodied 2 great institutions The Royal Canadian Mounted Police and the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Janet Reno, the first female Attorney General of the United States. Great actors such as Robert Vaughan (Man from Uncle and Law and Order), Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady) who most teens like me in the 1970's had a crush on. Ron Glass who played Detective Harris on the classic police comedy Barney Miller. Fidel Castro Prime Minister and President of Cuba. A polarizing figure in many ways.

One of the lasting images I have of him was in 2000 watching the funeral of Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, there was Fidel Castro seated beside Jimmy Carter.

I am pleased that President Barack Obama reestablished relations with Cuba. Obama will go down as a great President, no scandals in 8 years and encountered every criticism of him with grace, respect and dignity.

I was pleased to meet one of my heroes earlier this month Michael Landsberg. He was sharing his mental health story. A humble and blessed man. Two takeaways from his story that I can relate to when I am depressed. First " when I am having depressive moments, the first thing to go is self confidence". Second " depression robs us of the ability to experience joy".

No truer words are spoken about depression. Check out Michael's website www.sicknotweak.com

I am already looking forward to December and closing the year out on a high note.

Evolution Under Construction

I am enjoying one of my favorite holidays, American Thanksgiving by watching football. It provides me with the opportunity to reassess and reenergize and look forward to 2017.

Last week I reflected on what would have been my father's 87th birthday. I drink scotch 2x a year, his favorite drink to his memory. Once on his birthday and once on the anniversary of his passing. He has been gone now for 11 years and miss him more and more each day. He loved history, current events and sports (the real football Chelsea was his favorite team).

I would of loved to ask him questions about the US election and his take on how a msogynist, racist, bully and blowhard is President elect. His insight as this vote came to fruition would have been valuable knowledge moving forward.

In the last 10 years of his life I understood him and worked hard to reignite a relationship with him. I stepped out of my comfort zone and stopped listening to other people's and my own viterol.

When I first started dating my partner, I thought I did not want her to meet my father had he been alive. My father like all of us had his flaws and one of his flaws was he liked women and had a wandering eye. He would bat his eyes at pretty women when I was with him in public. Because of my own flaws I was intimidated by pretty women.

I was extremely jealous, lacked confidence and didn't know how to talk to women. I went on a lot of first dates, not too many second or third dates. I was even stood up on several blind dates.

This is not to say I didn't have girlfriends because I did. I would somehow find a way to screw things up. By being jealous or just being a shit. I wad always trying to hard to please and not being myself.

The ironic thing is all but 2 of my former girlfriends I am friends with on social media. Do I guess I couldn't of been that much of a shit or else why are they friends with me on social media.

My current partner Shelley or Shell going on 6 and  1/2 years now, I feel like I hit the mother lode. We complete each other. She brought me out of my shell (pardon the pun) and showed me what you present to the world you will get back. She also showed me how to confront my demons and to stand up for myself.

When we first started dating I was angry, irritable and clearly in a rut going nowhere. My father told me to take risks and see where they take you. This is what I did with Shell when I asked her out via email. I am thankful every day that she accepted my request. She later told me she never turned down a date request when she was single.

About 4 months in we were out for a walk when she stopped me and said I think you are low grade depression. It made sense, all of the anger, irritability, outbursts and mood swings. I was depressed and had been depressed for many years going back to my teenage years when my parents seperated.

The layers of the onion were being peeled off and I was recalling all of these moments from the last 30+ years except now I added the context to them.

October 24, 2010 was a watershed moment. The recovery started and continues to be...

Taking some control over Something I can't control

In my last blog I mentioned that I was depressed and didn't really know why. I thought it was stress related which it is. I believe that the American election is making me depressed. Two of the most disliked candidates in American history. On one hand you have the pompous, narcissistic, misogynist windbag Donald Trump and on the other hand you have a career public servant who is not seen as trustworthy by a large swath of the American public Hillary Clinton.

I think initially this was a media dream matchup created by the media. However, with less than 3 weeks before the election and November 8th can't come soon enough, many Americans are saying is this the best we have to offer.

The three Presidential debates although have been great for comic relief and late night fodder, they lacked the substance of real debates discussing real issues affecting people's lives. All they did was degenerate into pissing matches with each side trading insults against each other.

Trump trying to defend his life and repeating his same old tired message of make America Great Again by building a wall, taking great pride in his endorsement form the NRA, calling his opponent crooked Hillary and that nasty women.

Hillary who has some substance and not much credibility baited him at every opportunity. She gave him the rope and he put the noose around his neck.

America is in bad shape for the next 4 years. I wish we could have another 4 years of Obama. There has got to be better people to step up to the plate in 4 years time. Joe Biden yes, Ted Cruz no (thank god he denounced his Canadian citizenship, we don't want him)

Trump is a bully and with bullies they enjoy putting other people down and when the tables are turned like Alec Baldwin satirising him on SNL they suddenly don't want to play the game. You can't have it both ways, and if the heat is too hot, get out of the kitchen.

We all have people in our life, who are bullies and push our buttons. Bullies lack something that they feel they need to put you down in order  to feel good about themselves.

The election is totally out of my control.   It is going forward regardless.   That's often what life offers us and we get depressed.   But, in every situation, there is a way, somehow to take control of some part of the issues that makes us depressed.  Even researching online, but doing something that helps you take control.

How, I have dealt with my depression the last few weeks is listening and watching people like John Oliver, Samantha Bee (great Canadian), Bill Maher, Steven Colbert, Trevor Noah rip the candidates and the process to shreds. They truly say laughter is the best medicine and these 2 blowhards have been great comic relief not so great for America going forward. Lets all pray for America they will need it

A Page I Want to Turn

I haven't been feeling right for about a month now. I am flat emotionally and out of sorts.

I am allowing the little things to get the better of me. The other day, a perfect example, the zipper on my jacket got messed up and it threw me off for several hours if not the whole day.

Earlier this week I missed work and my brother asked me if it was physical or mental. I replied both. When I returned to work the next day, my manager asked the same question, I replied the same and she said mental health days are important and I am in need of one myself.

Several months ago I was having a stressful day at work. I had been given several new clients in the same week and I said I can't take another one. As soon as I said this one of the nurses said I have a new client for you. I turned around and wanted to tell them to f...off. I bit my tongue instead (still hurts), smiled and said when do you want it to start.

Fake it to you make it, I said as I walked back to my desk.

Last week at work I had a similar situation. I let one of the nurses get to me (push my buttons), all the hairs on my neck stood at attention. I wanted to tell her how I felt except again I smiled and said how can I help you. I then went and vented with one of my support network. It is great to have support close by at work.

I have gained 10 lbs over the last couple of weeks. When I am depressed I reach for my comfort food, snacks and lots of carbs. In fact my partner said the other day, I see you are having another protein free meal.

 I am depressed right now. I think it is stress related.

Stress over family, work, health, money. Stress is a bitch.

Right now is a bad page in my book of life. At times like this I have to remind myself that these lapses will happen from time to time. I have to project positive energy so that the lapse doesn't become a relapse