A little while ago at work, I made a simple error. I tried to fix it right away, what I thought would be a simple fix. I ended up creating a mountain out of a mole hill.
My thought was I can fix this right away and not impact service. My better judgement needed to kick in.
What was I thinking, I allowed my emotions to cloud my judgement. This happened on a Friday afternoon and it effected me the rest of the day. I ended up making more mistakes which were not evident until Monday.
One of my colleagues asked me a question and I snapped at her. On the Monday I apologized to her. She told me we all have bad days and make errors. I appreciated that.
That Friday afternoon impacted my whole weekend, I was miserable, irritable and not my regular self. I snapped at my partner and my family.
Mistakes can get the better of me and lead me down a rabbit hole of depression. Yet at other times, I am able to shake them off and move forward positively. Thankfully, the rabbit hole was short lived this time.
Why does this happen? It happens because, I think and feel that I can solve the mistake. Past history has shown that I always create a bigger problem by doing this. I allow my body to fester and stew over the mistake thus creating the mountain. This is he beauty and curse of my depression. It is under control, however, it sneaks up on me to disrupt me and keep me on my toes at all times.
Sunday, 1 October 2017
Tuesday, 26 September 2017
Why Can't We All Just Get Along
These words were spoken by Rodney King in the aftermath of the not guilty verdicts against the 4 four police officers that sparked the LA Riots in 1992. The words seemed appropriate for the state of our world today.
From the events of Charlottesville last month where a young lady Heather Heyer's life came to an end. She was exercising her right to free speech and protest. To the sabre rattling done between world leaders.
There have been some bright moments of people going above and beyond to help out their fellow people. Hurricane Harvey caused tremendous damage to Houston and surrounding areas. In the aftermath, we have heard outstanding stories of average people going above and beyond, sometimes risking their own safety to help those in need. Whenever, there is tragedy it brings out the best and worst of humanity. Some people trying to profit off of it and others compromising their own safety for others.
The one thing I do know is that the effect all of this plays on and with our mental health. In the face of all the negativity we hear through the media it is especially hard to keep a positive outlook and not get mired down in depressive thoughts and actions.
I remember years ago driving in Orlando witnessing a car accident. One car ran a stop light and crashed into another. The driver of one of the cars gets out running up to the other car and says in a loud voice I am going to sue your ass. He was not in the least bit concerned about the well being of the driver, only concerned about his own well being from a financial perspective.
We all need to take a step back and say can we all get along. I know I have learned that some things are not worth getting worked up over. As my fiancee reminds me what is the worst possible outcome. Somebody will get mad and bent out of shape, or if you make a mistake did anyone die. We spend too much time and effort getting worked up for most of the time no reason at all. All it does it just depletes our energy and body from focusing on what is really important, which is being the best person I can be in light of everything around us. Dealing with whatever hand we are dealt in a positive way.
From the events of Charlottesville last month where a young lady Heather Heyer's life came to an end. She was exercising her right to free speech and protest. To the sabre rattling done between world leaders.
There have been some bright moments of people going above and beyond to help out their fellow people. Hurricane Harvey caused tremendous damage to Houston and surrounding areas. In the aftermath, we have heard outstanding stories of average people going above and beyond, sometimes risking their own safety to help those in need. Whenever, there is tragedy it brings out the best and worst of humanity. Some people trying to profit off of it and others compromising their own safety for others.
The one thing I do know is that the effect all of this plays on and with our mental health. In the face of all the negativity we hear through the media it is especially hard to keep a positive outlook and not get mired down in depressive thoughts and actions.
I remember years ago driving in Orlando witnessing a car accident. One car ran a stop light and crashed into another. The driver of one of the cars gets out running up to the other car and says in a loud voice I am going to sue your ass. He was not in the least bit concerned about the well being of the driver, only concerned about his own well being from a financial perspective.
We all need to take a step back and say can we all get along. I know I have learned that some things are not worth getting worked up over. As my fiancee reminds me what is the worst possible outcome. Somebody will get mad and bent out of shape, or if you make a mistake did anyone die. We spend too much time and effort getting worked up for most of the time no reason at all. All it does it just depletes our energy and body from focusing on what is really important, which is being the best person I can be in light of everything around us. Dealing with whatever hand we are dealt in a positive way.
Monday, 11 September 2017
Take a Minute, Change a Life
Today is September 11 a day that we will never forget. Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day.
Everyone at some point in their lives has been touched by suicide. Yesterday I remembered my cousin who took her own life 28 years ago. She was so young, vibrant and full of life, yet hid her demons from the outside world. I still think of her. At the time I didn't know what I know today about suicide and mental health. I spent many years searching for answers that never came. I would leave the room if the TV showed, her method. I was also afraid to hear the mention of her name out loud. Especially, if that person was young.
If you are dealing with issues that feel overwhelming and not wanting to continue, please reach out. You are loved, you are supported. You are valued, You are special.
17 years ago, I was in a dark place and I contemplated ending my life. I was on vacation in the southern United States by myself. I was having a miserable time. Thoughts crossed my mind about here I am in the middle of nowhere, no body would care if I never came back. What stopped me? In my hotel room I had CNN on and they were showing live continuous coverage of young Elian Gonzalez being reunited whit his father.
I reached out to my father. I called him and without judgement he sensed could hear in my voice something was wrong. He said how can I help.
A couple of months ago, I was sharing my mental health story with a middle school class. The class can ask questions or make comments on cards. After I finished, one comment said, I am so glad that you didn't end your life. I thanked the young student and said so am I. Not a day passes without me thinking how lucky and blessed to be here and hope to be here for another 30-40 years.
The people who lost their lives on September 11, 2001 were going about their normal routines just getting started on their day. It proved how fragile our life is.
Everyone has a special story to contribute to life and it is worth sharing.
Live it, love it and share it.
Everyone at some point in their lives has been touched by suicide. Yesterday I remembered my cousin who took her own life 28 years ago. She was so young, vibrant and full of life, yet hid her demons from the outside world. I still think of her. At the time I didn't know what I know today about suicide and mental health. I spent many years searching for answers that never came. I would leave the room if the TV showed, her method. I was also afraid to hear the mention of her name out loud. Especially, if that person was young.
If you are dealing with issues that feel overwhelming and not wanting to continue, please reach out. You are loved, you are supported. You are valued, You are special.
17 years ago, I was in a dark place and I contemplated ending my life. I was on vacation in the southern United States by myself. I was having a miserable time. Thoughts crossed my mind about here I am in the middle of nowhere, no body would care if I never came back. What stopped me? In my hotel room I had CNN on and they were showing live continuous coverage of young Elian Gonzalez being reunited whit his father.
I reached out to my father. I called him and without judgement he sensed could hear in my voice something was wrong. He said how can I help.
A couple of months ago, I was sharing my mental health story with a middle school class. The class can ask questions or make comments on cards. After I finished, one comment said, I am so glad that you didn't end your life. I thanked the young student and said so am I. Not a day passes without me thinking how lucky and blessed to be here and hope to be here for another 30-40 years.
The people who lost their lives on September 11, 2001 were going about their normal routines just getting started on their day. It proved how fragile our life is.
Everyone has a special story to contribute to life and it is worth sharing.
Live it, love it and share it.
Thursday, 31 August 2017
Do You Remember When?
Today marks the 20th anniversary of Princess Diana's death. I remember where I was when I heard the news. It was the Saturday night of the long weekend, had just gotten home from an evening at the races with some friends. I was flipping channels and CNN had breaking news.
I felt compelled to watch as the world did.
In the days that followed, the mountains of flowers, tributes and memorials sprung up outside Buckingham Palace and the deafening silence from within the Palace only fueled the theories as to what really happened. Was it just an accident of tragic proportions or something more sinister.
I admit I jumped on the conspiracy bandwagon and still today have my own theories as to what happened. I was not a fan of the royal family.
Flash forward to today, my views of the royal family have changed and I have more of a sympathetic view of them now led by the shining example of her sons Princes William and Harry. They have grown up and matured into being wonderful and prominent people in the world.
They both had to deal, process their mother's death in a public setting. They have both come public about the effects their mother's death had on them and are paying it forward. Harry especially described his experiences as total chaos which we now understand some of his bizarre behavior in previous years. They have started the Heads Together campaign to bring attention to Mental Health issues.
20 years ago Diana was the most photographed and sought after woman in the world. Her every move was made public and criticized rightly or wrongly. Since then the world has allowed people in the public eye to have and lead a more private life. This is a good thing. They are regular people with the same issues as you and I.
Again led by the Princes example, they lead almost normal lives and there whereabouts are not chronicled with the same scrutiny. Here is the link to their website.
https://www.headstogether.org.uk/about-heads-together/
To honor Princess Diana we can all put our heads together to end the stigma of mental health. Be open and honest and don't suffer in silence. See good in all people and don't judge them until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
I have and I am a better person for it today.
I felt compelled to watch as the world did.
In the days that followed, the mountains of flowers, tributes and memorials sprung up outside Buckingham Palace and the deafening silence from within the Palace only fueled the theories as to what really happened. Was it just an accident of tragic proportions or something more sinister.
I admit I jumped on the conspiracy bandwagon and still today have my own theories as to what happened. I was not a fan of the royal family.
Flash forward to today, my views of the royal family have changed and I have more of a sympathetic view of them now led by the shining example of her sons Princes William and Harry. They have grown up and matured into being wonderful and prominent people in the world.
They both had to deal, process their mother's death in a public setting. They have both come public about the effects their mother's death had on them and are paying it forward. Harry especially described his experiences as total chaos which we now understand some of his bizarre behavior in previous years. They have started the Heads Together campaign to bring attention to Mental Health issues.
20 years ago Diana was the most photographed and sought after woman in the world. Her every move was made public and criticized rightly or wrongly. Since then the world has allowed people in the public eye to have and lead a more private life. This is a good thing. They are regular people with the same issues as you and I.
Again led by the Princes example, they lead almost normal lives and there whereabouts are not chronicled with the same scrutiny. Here is the link to their website.
https://www.headstogether.org.uk/about-heads-together/
To honor Princess Diana we can all put our heads together to end the stigma of mental health. Be open and honest and don't suffer in silence. See good in all people and don't judge them until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
I have and I am a better person for it today.
Tuesday, 1 August 2017
Reflection and Rememberence
Since 2005, July has been a very tough month and in particular Friday's in July. For the last couple of years, I have been dealing with the July blip in a positive way. My focus has turned to remembrance and reflection, instead of the calendar days.
I used to tense up and be afraid of Friday's in July. I was nervous about answering the phone or checking email for fear that something bad would have happened. I would eagerly await for Friday to roll into Saturday and let out a sigh of relief that I survived again. Fearing the worst instead of dealing with whatever life presented itself. Now I am learning to roll with the punches and accept whatever transpires transpires.
You see ever since 1989 over the years relatives and close friends have died on Fridays in July. A cousin, uncle, father and best friend. Especially 2005 and 2008. in these years my father and best friend died. It took me a long time to come to terms with their passing and I now honor both of them in the best possible way.
Honor them in my father's case with a scotch salute and wearing a shirt that bears reference to his college days at Oxford in England. Honor Mike by drinking a Ft Garry dark, his favorite beer and having a toast in his honor.
I know that they are watching over me and I feel their presence almost every day. It is comforting to know that they are still around me.
This July four people who I knew or were associated with passed away. One of these people was a lady taken far too soon at 52. I associated with her in the 1980's, hadn't seen her for 30 years. I felt compelled to go to her funeral. Her father had passed years ago and his was the first funeral I had been at where the coffin was in the church. Another was one of the finest basketball players to play Canadian College ball. Bloody cancer.
A close friends father whose funeral (celebration of life) was yesterday and he lived a full rich life with so much love and acceptance. He was a great husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather and sports writer. All of this was captured so authentically by his family and friends. It made me wish I was part of his family. The first time I met him was at a bbq and he was the grill master. He introduced me to how to bbq. The key is to have a beer in your hand whenever you need to flip whatever was on the bbq.
This past Sunday a lady in the block where I live passed away. only 62, she let her demons get the better of her life. This July once again has proven that life is too short and we need to make the most of it and how we deal with it.
I am in the best health I have been in for years. My weight hit a low of 188 for the first time in 15 years. My blood work were at levels that indicate that my diabetes is not even a factor for my health and I gave blood for the 25th time. My mental health mood is great. I know all this sounds good, however, I am being vigilante with my lifestyle both physically and mentally. I know how easy it is to slip and I know that I will slip, its human nature. I also know how to react when I do slip. My support is only a phone call away.
I don't get hung up on the small stuff and don't allow my life to be driven by fear and the unknown. Important lessons I learned and keep on learning from my grandson.
I used to tense up and be afraid of Friday's in July. I was nervous about answering the phone or checking email for fear that something bad would have happened. I would eagerly await for Friday to roll into Saturday and let out a sigh of relief that I survived again. Fearing the worst instead of dealing with whatever life presented itself. Now I am learning to roll with the punches and accept whatever transpires transpires.
You see ever since 1989 over the years relatives and close friends have died on Fridays in July. A cousin, uncle, father and best friend. Especially 2005 and 2008. in these years my father and best friend died. It took me a long time to come to terms with their passing and I now honor both of them in the best possible way.
Honor them in my father's case with a scotch salute and wearing a shirt that bears reference to his college days at Oxford in England. Honor Mike by drinking a Ft Garry dark, his favorite beer and having a toast in his honor.
I know that they are watching over me and I feel their presence almost every day. It is comforting to know that they are still around me.
This July four people who I knew or were associated with passed away. One of these people was a lady taken far too soon at 52. I associated with her in the 1980's, hadn't seen her for 30 years. I felt compelled to go to her funeral. Her father had passed years ago and his was the first funeral I had been at where the coffin was in the church. Another was one of the finest basketball players to play Canadian College ball. Bloody cancer.
A close friends father whose funeral (celebration of life) was yesterday and he lived a full rich life with so much love and acceptance. He was a great husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather and sports writer. All of this was captured so authentically by his family and friends. It made me wish I was part of his family. The first time I met him was at a bbq and he was the grill master. He introduced me to how to bbq. The key is to have a beer in your hand whenever you need to flip whatever was on the bbq.
This past Sunday a lady in the block where I live passed away. only 62, she let her demons get the better of her life. This July once again has proven that life is too short and we need to make the most of it and how we deal with it.
I am in the best health I have been in for years. My weight hit a low of 188 for the first time in 15 years. My blood work were at levels that indicate that my diabetes is not even a factor for my health and I gave blood for the 25th time. My mental health mood is great. I know all this sounds good, however, I am being vigilante with my lifestyle both physically and mentally. I know how easy it is to slip and I know that I will slip, its human nature. I also know how to react when I do slip. My support is only a phone call away.
I don't get hung up on the small stuff and don't allow my life to be driven by fear and the unknown. Important lessons I learned and keep on learning from my grandson.
Monday, 17 July 2017
Lessons Learned From My Grandson
I am a grandfather. Frankly, I never thought I would ever say those words out loud. I do not have kids, however, my fiance has 2 beautiful kids that I have come to know and love. I wasn't sure what to expect as I was not expecting to be a grandfather so soon as Kelsey was a teenage mother.
Oliver and Kelsey have finished a wonderful 38 day visit where I learned many valuable life lessons. I learned what unconditional love is all about. He just wanted to be loved with no strings and he wanted to give the love back. He doesn't hold it against you when you don't change his diaper on time or feed him his lunch on time. He just loves you unconditionally.
I knew I was in for a special experience. The first night we were watching TV and I was in the reclining chair and Kelsey gave him to me. Within 5 minutes he was snuggled up against my chest and asleep. I was in heaven. What a blissful moment.
Up until the visit I had never changed a diaper. As the month went on, I became quite adapt at changing diapers. He even peed on me one day with the biggest smile and giggle. He was proud of what he did. I took it as a badge of honor.
He would come to you with has hands wide open wanting to be picked up and hugged, looking for love and acceptance and once he got it from you he would give it right back.
He is adventurous and inquisitive. He crawled everywhere. We had to baby proof the cabinets so he couldn't explore, he still tried his best to open the cabinets.
He is resilient and unafraid. He could go from still and quiet one minute to crying like it was the end of world the next to back to still and quiet.
After a couple of weeks he took his first steps. He would look to make sure no one was watching him and then take the step. After a couple of days he didn't care whether anyone was watching he just walked everywhere. He is fearless. He waved and smiled at everyone. Pure joy.
At 15 months he is special and hopefully continues to be special. He has so much love inside and out. We went to the zoo and he was totally enthralled with the dinosaur alive exhibit. the only thing he didn't care for was the splash pad, didn't like getting wet, yet he enjoyed having baths with all his bath toys.
I love Ollie and miss him and can't wait to see him again and learn more life lessons.
I love Ollie and miss him and can't wait to see him again and learn more life lessons.
Friday, 9 June 2017
If you like it, Put a Ring on it
The other day I watched one of my favorite movies of all time. I will tell you right now it is not your typical movie that resonates with the male population. However, for me it played a very important role at a dark time in my life.
After many failed relationships with women, I wanted to really learn what makes women tick? What do women want in a relationship? What makes women stay in a relationship? So in order to answer these questions where does a single male turn to, or where did this single male turn to?
I started reading Cosmopolitan magazine monthly and watching Sex and the City TV series weekly, When the movie came out in 2008 it was a no brainer that I went to see it. There I was one evening at a late showing sitting by myself with my drink and popcorn. There were a handful of other people in the theatre mostly women except for another male, who obviously was dragged there by his wife/ girlfriend, he looked like this was the last place on earth he wanted to be. He kept looking around hoping that no one he knew would be there.
I liked the movie, it was flaky and campy on the surface, however, beneath the surface it was full of subtle observations about life, love, relationships, sex, what women want and what men want, feelings, emotions, making mountains out of molehills.
I have now watched the movie about 10 times and last week was first time viewing it as an engaged man. I saw it in a different light. We are getting married next year in Vegas. I would be perfectly happy with the Elvis drive thru chapel or the Taco Bell 600$ wedding or whatever. The important part is spending the day, the moment, the rest of my life with my beautiful and inspiring Shelley whom I love more than anything.
When you have too much extravagance, you start losing touch with reality and that is what happened to Carrie and her wedding to Big. It became a monster that neither of them were able to handle.
The most important thing is saying I love you forever, with the one you love.
After many failed relationships with women, I wanted to really learn what makes women tick? What do women want in a relationship? What makes women stay in a relationship? So in order to answer these questions where does a single male turn to, or where did this single male turn to?
I started reading Cosmopolitan magazine monthly and watching Sex and the City TV series weekly, When the movie came out in 2008 it was a no brainer that I went to see it. There I was one evening at a late showing sitting by myself with my drink and popcorn. There were a handful of other people in the theatre mostly women except for another male, who obviously was dragged there by his wife/ girlfriend, he looked like this was the last place on earth he wanted to be. He kept looking around hoping that no one he knew would be there.
I liked the movie, it was flaky and campy on the surface, however, beneath the surface it was full of subtle observations about life, love, relationships, sex, what women want and what men want, feelings, emotions, making mountains out of molehills.
I have now watched the movie about 10 times and last week was first time viewing it as an engaged man. I saw it in a different light. We are getting married next year in Vegas. I would be perfectly happy with the Elvis drive thru chapel or the Taco Bell 600$ wedding or whatever. The important part is spending the day, the moment, the rest of my life with my beautiful and inspiring Shelley whom I love more than anything.
When you have too much extravagance, you start losing touch with reality and that is what happened to Carrie and her wedding to Big. It became a monster that neither of them were able to handle.
The most important thing is saying I love you forever, with the one you love.
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