I Don’t Get It and Yet I Do

I consider myself a fairly smart man, socially aware and responsible, although sometimes my partner  might disagree. I sincerely don’t get the rush to horde toilet paper. This COVID-19 is a respiratory virus and yes self isolating and social distancing are real aspects of today’s reality.

However, toilet paper being hoarded really. It was comforting to see resale websites such as  Kijiji and Amazon have stop posting people trying to make an obscene profit off toilet paper. In our house we are good for about 2 weeks of regular use. The world might be an entirely different place in 2 weeks.

On Tuesday September 11, 2001 the World changed due to 911. We adapted and adjusted and life continued. On Wednesday March 11, 2020 the World changed again. Sports came to an abrupt end, travel plans were abruptly altered, mass gatherings of over 250 people have been cancelled or postponed. New words quickly entered our vocabulary and society. Self-isolating and social distancing became the buzz words.  Hoarding of supplies became common practice.

This past weekend gone out a couple of time's as my partner says “to run errands”.  Regularly it would be to buy sports betting tickets, well so much for that. This time for other errands, the roads are bare, McDonald’s drive thru I was the only one. Thank you Netflix for helping pass the time.

The work week will come quickly enough and we will see what it brings. Everything is fluid and active now. Remaining positive will be tough yet essential. Maintaining a sense of normalcy whatever that looks like is important. Being aware and responsible is key. I am going to everything I can to stay active, positive, kind and supportive and healthy. Life will carry on. It may get worse before it gets better. Life will carry on.

It Was A Struggle...I Did It

Starting the new year I set a goal for m6self of showering 2 times a week. For the month of a January I accomplished this task, however, it was not easy.  Each time I showered I wrote the date on the calendar it felt good to achieve this goal. Especially since a January was a tough month mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

February came and I thought this would be easy. The third day in I showered felt good empowered and emboldened. Well then reality set in. Over a week went by before another shower. I failed myself, felt crappy, beat myself up. I showered just to prove I could. It was not therapeutic and over after about a few minutes. Shortest time I can recall. I felt even worse. Another few days I tried again got into the tub and couldn't turn on the tap. I froze, I wanted to scream and cry. I felt ashamed.

The next day I was desperate for a shave and shower. I shaved, washed my hair in the kitchen sink and hand washed myself. The next several weeks every few days this was my routine.

It is now March 11, I finally did it. I showered.i prepared myself all day. No fear, no anxiety. The water felt relieving as it flowed over my body.  I stood under the nozzle and soaked it all in. Felt alive and refreshed.

I fully understand that my feeling may be fleeting and short lived.

I have read many articles and talked to many professionals and friends. For people with mental health issues the simple task of showering can be the hardest to do. It is hard to explain, it just is.

Tomorrow hopefully will be a good day.

Trying to Learn How to Fight or Flight

In a recent episode of Law & Order SVU, Captain Benson says to a suspect “ When Your House Burns Down; You Have A Clear View Of The Sky”. What this means to me is that when traumatic events happen, there is a ray of sunshine to help ease the pain and lead to recovery.

Everyone experiences some form of trauma in their lives. I took a course through work called Trauma  Informed Care. It was intended to allow us to recognize trauma in ourselves and those we interact with and how we can offer support. Tonier Cain has became an expert in this field, her life was full of trauma and she preserved and survived and inspires others. She is a mother, wife, filmmaker, recovering addict. Her story can be found at www.toniercain.com

One thing I am prone to do is freeze in situations both big and small. It happens at least several times a week. It has happened while driving, most recently driving on the highway with blowing snow and little or zero visibility. I slowed down to a stop and the next thing I know a blast of semi behind jolted me back to reality. It took a couple minutes to get my breathe back on the side of the road. I couldn’t continue driving. Shelley had to take over. Once I was in the passenger seat I began to calm down and regain control. Positive self talk helped and prayer helped.

When Shelley and I argue she can say anything and I freeze and she ends up winning the argument because I concede through non response Other times when caller ID shows up on my phone, I freeze and have angst. Or when talking to someone and they say something unexpected, I freeze before responding.

What is the root cause? As stated before I grew up fearing everything and made to feel vulnerable so I could be saved by my overprotective family. Believe me I want to overcome this situation. Shelley, my supportive network, counselling and understanding my mental health have set me on the right course to overcome.

Maybe all I need is to have more clear views of the sky for greater perspective on life.

Empowerment Through Empathy

Empowerment through empathy is attributed to Tarana Burke who in 2006 is credited with starting the #MeTooMovement. She is a civil rights activist who creates awareness about sexual abuse and inequality in our society.

Up until a couple of years ago the term Me Too was not well established until Alyssa Milano came out with her story of sexual assault and ask others to come forward and share. Unfortunately, many people of all walks of life came forward to share their stories. Their stories brought down some of the most powerful people in society. One of the common themes of all the people brought down was the presence of white male privilege and their sense of entitlement.

Speaking as a white male who has known and experienced the white male privilege, I can tell you that it is easy to be caught up in it on both sides. That male bravado kicks in. Watching a sporting event with a group of people and adult beverages is one example.

 My sweetie and I like to play poker.   Poker tables can be the last bastion of white privilege, especially for a female. Most male players don’t believe women a) know how to play poker and b) if they win they are lucky and c) talk about the female players as (she did this or why did she play that hand). The other day we were playing in a tournament and the TV was showing a women Curling game. One of the male players asked that the TV be turned to a station that showed a real sport and likened the sport of curling to gay wrestlers. Another player lost a big hand and blamed the loss on the fact he had a female dealer. Ugh.

I have been on the other side of the white privilege. I grew up as a shy introvert with glasses and an acne problem who feared everything. I was small for my size and didn’t help that I was a year younger than most of my grade class. I had trouble fitting in. I didn’t have a lot of friends and had an overprotective mother and older brothers. They made me vulnerable and needy of their protection.

One time when I was a teenager I was playing pick up hockey, proud of wearing my Darryl Sittler jersey (yes I was a Toronto Maple Leaf fan), I stole the puck from one of my brother’s friends on several occasions and he threw my stick over the boards. I went home and told my brother and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I can understand and am empathetic to anyone who has been the victim of white privilege. White privilege is about power, control and insecurity. The male bravado, machismo where we cannot show our emotions. We need to suck it up, be a man. This is all bullshit. It is not a sign of strength but a sign of weakness.

It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to show our emotions and it is okay to accept responsibility for our actions. If we did this and do this society would be a better place and a healthier place both mentally and physically. #BeKind

Trying to Make Friends With My Fears

February 17 was yesterday, first day of vacation, however, it felt anything but a vacation day.  I awoke early 7ish with a strong urge to run into the bathroom, to throw up. That became the trend for the morning either throwing up or dry heaving.

The worst possible noise and feeling. My body seemed to take on a life of its own. When I was kneeling over the toilet I was sweaty and clammy, my legs were tingling and moving in all different directions. My stomach was convulsing.

My mind went to dark places. Doom and gloom took over, my body ached as I moved to wait for the next wave to come. Little sips of water was all I could handle.

The next wave came 30 minutes later afterwards I felt faint, almost collapsing before I got back to my chair. What was happening, was it food poisoning, flu or something more sinister happening internally.

Yeah I can’t help it, even as hard as I try to prevent myself the fears creep in. It is ingrained and so easy to go there. They are so easy to go there and stay there and lead to depression. I have to work hard to work my way out. With positive self talk and help from my support network led by my sweetie. Sometimes the fearful way is short lived and other times could be hours or days. Thankfully it was only less than an hour.

My stomach slowly settled and I took 2 Tylenol and slept. Awaking 3 hours later felt much better. Was supposed to go out last night, wasn’t going anywhere.

Fears can be irrational at best, yet I continue to allow them to take over my body and mind. I am learning to make friends with my fears some more so than others. Some I still have to learn to control. Thankfully only a mild case of the flu passed through my body. Today is a better day, only slight headache and raspy throat.

Fears are tied to anxiety. They both can act as a way to protect us from something or someone dangerous. They can both act as storage spaces for wisdom and knowledge. We can allow our fears and anxiety in and then we can also allow them to leave before they come deep rooted and fester and chronic.

People Change, Times Change

People change, times change, I change and continue to day in and day out.  There was a time in my life when I was incredibly black and white. I made up my mind on something or someone and it’s was near impossible to get me to move off that opinion or person.

Tonight is the premiere of the new season of Survivor. I am looking forward to it. Watching the social  dynamics unfold and seeing how the group gets along with each other is akin to what happens in society today. All the characters are played to a tee and relatable to society today. There was a time when I wouldn’t watch because it was all fixed and predetermined and scripted for TV entertainment purposes and looked down on anyone who watched it.

If I hadn’t changed my opinion of one person I would have not found my soulmate, my sweetie, my rock. I would not have known and remember her wonderful mother and know her amazing children and awesome grandson who I love and adore and has taught me so much about love and life in a few short years. The opportunities garnered over the last 10 years. I feel blessed.

Last night I had the pleasure of hearing her present a workshop on addictions. I was fondly referenced warts and all.  She grabbed the audience and kept them rapt for 2 hours. Her wisdom, knowledge, compassion, empathy struck a positive chord with the audience. It was a great learning experience for all.

I am learning not to prejudge and realize all my previous prejudgements were wrong. I talk to strangers, say hi to people on the street. They either don’t acknowledge, walk with head down, mumble a hi back or have smiles on their faces and say hi back. I wish them a good day. A few years ago I would not acknowledge people because of fear and hearing voices from my family of origin saying “Don’t talk to Strangers”. Why? Strangers are friends we haven’t met.

I have changed and for the better. I am in touch with my feelings, emotions and fears. I have embraced who I am. I am open with my depression. I recognize that my past is my past and that I don’t have to be stuck there. I can recognize and evolve and learn from it. Each day nuggets are churned up. Some good, some bad, some sad. In some people’s world I no longer fit in and that is fine with me. In many other people’s world I do fit in, thrive, evolve and discover.

Change is constant, it is how we deal with it that is important. I am choosing to be kind to everyone and especially myself.

Blue Monday and the Week That Was

Last Monday January 19 was what the media refers to as Blue Monday (the so called saddest day of the year). Why? Well it doesn’t have to be. It was only the saddest day if you allowed it to be.

It was also Martin Luther King Jr. day. A day to celebrate and remember a man taking senselessly too soon. A man who preached equality, respect, kindness and justice for all. A man ahead of his time.

It was also the week where the dumpster fire called the Orange Menace went on trial for impeachment and further created divisiveness among Americans. After all the egregious actions he has committed for some reason the Republican Party still stands by him. I do not get it.

Also here in my Province we are in shock about how an ex-Canadian military officer could have such extreme views that led him to being arrested in the states on domestic terrorism charges. It will be a long time since he sees the light of day.

Closer to home my wife was fortunate to win some money and then was publicly shamed for not tipping enough. Totally unnecessary and unfounded. It shows the ignorance in others and how easy it is to hide behind comments on social media. Shameful. Shelley is wonderful, kind, generous person who would go to great lengths to support her friends and loved ones. She is liked by many and enjoys having a good time. Strangers will say hi to her at every opportunity because they recognize the good in her. If you can’t say anything nice about someone don’t say anything at all.  The good in people has also shined brightly as many people have reached out offering positive support.

Yesterday was Chinese New Year, the year of the Rat, it is the first year of their zodiacal horoscope. People born in these years are usually energetic and fiscally responsible. They are optimistic, great thinkers. All those born in this year enjoy.

Today is Australia Day and as a native born I celebrate. It has been a terrible year for wildfires in the country. Thousands of acres burned, over 1 billion animals perished, many people lost their lives and displaced and no end in sight. Yet people will still deny the effects of climate change. It makes my head spin. I pain for Australia. Beautiful country with beautiful people.

The week ends with the sudden tragic news that Kobe Bryant and his daughter were 2 of 5 people killed in a helicopter crash. Only last night he was surpassed by LeBron James and is now the fourth most prolific scorer in NBA history. All LA Lakers. Extremely talented player. He scored the second most points in a game ever at 81 in 2006 against Toronto Raptors.

A sad week for sure. A sad start to the year in the sports world. We will persevere, we are kind, supportive and positive.