Hello August

July is always the toughest month of the year for me to get through. I have learned to deal with the fear of the month. It no longer paralyzes me, however, I am still affected by the events that happened to me in July. In particular Friday’s in July.

Let me explain. Over the last 30+ years family and friends have died in July and on Fridays.

 The first one was my cousin. She died by suicide. I had only met her a few times in our lives. However, a few years before her passing we spent considerable time together. As young adults we spent hours talking about the future and attempting to solve the world’s problems. Her death affected me greatly. The first time someone I knew died by suicide. For years when I saw a TV show or movie that showed her method I would leave the room, turn away or cover my eyes. When I hear someone died by suicide, I think of her. 

The second one was my uncle, her father. Almost 5 years to the day later and of course on a Friday. He was a wise and proud man who never got over the death of his youngest child. I believe that he died mentally and emotionally the day his daughter died and it took 5 years for his body to give in.

The third one was my father. A surreal day to say the least. He was my hero. My voice of reason. A leader, innovator, trailblazer, administrator, historian and survivor. I feel his presence everyday. You got it he died on a a Friday. 

Finally, my best friend of 25 years. Mike was a mini version of my father. We met in University when I was the student manager and he was the athletic trainer for the University Men’s Basketball team. A free spirit who lived life to the fullest culminating in 2003 when he climbed the second largest mountain in the world. I miss our weekly gathering of the bishops at the Cathedral for choir practice. Yes he died on a a Friday.

I was fearful of Friday’s in July asking myself the question who is next or would I be the next.  Living in fear was no fun. It consumed me, I didn’t want to go out, let alone work. I would work and then come home and not leave until Friday had passed. I credit my support network led by my soulmate and counselling to successfully overcome my fear. 

I now remember each person in a special way with a Scotch salute to my father and Hoisting a dark ale for Mike. My uncle and cousin I remember through my mental health awareness and my own journey with depression and anxiety. I recognize the importance of using the right terminology for mental health and work to educate people especially students by sharing my story to middle and high school aged students. 

It is okay to not be okay. The more we share and our open, the less the stigma will become. More people are being open about their struggles from the famous to you and I. We are all courageous for coming forward and recognize that sometimes our struggle has too strong a hold on us that the only way out is the ultimate way. There is nothing weak about this choice. People are choosing to end their pain through strength.  One of the famous people I admire was Robin Williams. A tremendously gifted and creative comedic genius who used his gift of comedy to mask his real feelings. Looking back at old movies and clips I can seen the pain and heartache. Lady Gaga an amazing entertainer who deals daily with anxiety and self worth images. Kristen Bell deals with post-Partum and works to create awareness around the disease. We can all do our part. The simplest and easiest thing to do is Be Kind and Be Supportive. We are all in the together. 

Where Did Common Sense Go.

Common sense where did you go? Asking for a friend.  Ever since the pandemic came to North America common sense left our vernacular our reality our society. From day one there were COVID deniers and conspiracy theories. 

It didn’t help that the so called most powerful man in the world, the dumpster fire orange menace currently occupying the Oval Office was the biggest denier. At every corner he has done everything to discredit the medical experts and science. He has no conscience and no soul. 

I used to watch the news daily, in fact I was such a news junkie I would devour the newspapers before breakfast and watch all the news channels. Now I sometimes let the papers go a day without reading them. When now I watch the news I get a headache and feel depressed and anxious. I wonder if there is a future and what it will look like. 

On the other hand I look and hear about how my grandson is embracing life at 4 1/2 and living like there is no care in the world and it his oyster. I have hope and he gives me hope to continue on. I look at my stepdaughter and think how strong, mature she is. How she is blazing her own path and preparing (her words) for the apocalypse. My stepson lives in Vancouver and knows more about that city than any other person. He is the city greatest ambassador. He has written a book waiting to be published. A free spirit embracing life to the fullest and creating his own niche. They give me hope to carry on.

We will be living the new normal for many years to come. Our mental health will continue to waver. We are all doing our best. We are all flawed human beings. When we know better we do better. Be discerning, be accepting, be responsible, be respectful and when someone tells you to wear a mask to enter their establishment Wear a Mask. Don’t throw a hissy fit about your constitutional rights are being violated. 

Self care and good mental health. We are all in this together. By working together we can get common sense back and prevalent. 

Good Trouble

I have been thinking about how interesting the world has become over the last 7 months. How much has changed and will continue to change. What will the new normal look like? In my own bubble How much has changed and how far still to go.

I do know that masks and social distancing are here to stay and that is not a bad thing. It is a good thing. I do know that we will be living with the coronavirus for quite awhile. I do know that it will be awhile before I travel to the United States. In fact it may be awhile before we travel anywhere outside of Manitoba. We are doing well, however, we have to remain vigilant and do everything to prevent an uptick in cases. 

As the Province opens up and we begin to interact with more people in more settings our comfort level will increase or decrease depending on the scenario. Case in point this weekend we were out at a gathering on Friday night about 10 people in total. A few I knew the others met for the first time. A lady shows up about 11pm and some of the people call her brown sugar. Later on I asked her if she was okay being called brown sugar. She said yes and then explained that is her nickname. Last night we went and met with some people Shelley knew from high school and hadn’t seen in over 30 + plus. They were able to pick up right where they left off all those years ago.

There are many things I have noticed and learned from this Pandemic. The most important thing is to put our faith and trust in the medical professionals and scientists. I work in the healthcare field and as more is learnt about the virus the more adaptable we become. We have gone from screening to self screening for entry into the office. Also if you are unwell don’t come to work. I am sure I would not be the only one who would drag themselves into work knowing full well that we were not 100%. Well that ship has sailed. 

People still think in the new normal that we can get away with saying whatever we want and doing whatever we want because it is our right, freedom and liberties. Many examples abound. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is an amazing young lady and  a Democratic Congressman . She was called a f...king bitch by a misogynist narcissist impersonating a Republican Congressman. She schooled him in public and gained the respect of a nation. Capitol Hill is not and has not for a long time been the last bastion of white male privilege however Some still think it is. 

Shelley enjoys playing poker. Yet almost every time she plays there is always one or two players who feel that it is there place to tell her that the poker room is not for women. Again she calls them out all the time. 

Inappropriate behaviour needs to be called out and the perpetrators held accountable for their actions.  For the last several months pictures of bad, racist, inappropriate behaviour have been called out and shamed on social media.  They have been referred to by a male and female name. This reference has been used and is a direct insult to everyone with that name. It is unnecessary and totally inappropriate to use a name which could be our wife’s, mother’s, sister’s, daughter’s, granddaughters, nieces, nephews, grandson’s son’s, brother’s, father’s and husband. I admit I have used the names in reference to their actions. I recognize how inappropriate and insensitive it was and will no longer use the reference. I am sorry. When I know better I do better. 

Everyday lessons are learned and I am working on being a better human being. One of the simplest things to do is to be kind. Be kind to ourselves, be kind to others and be kind to our environment. John Lewis civil rights icon lived a life we can all learn from and emulate. Rest In Power.

The View Today

This picture is from my balcony as I watch the world go by and wait for the evening storm to come and pass. Idyllic, serene view with lots of geese, deer and tons of people walking along the trail except tonight.  

I have been thinking a lot about my mental health over the last couple of months. How can I not, so much has happened. The world is changing. Everyday seems to bring a new normal. My mental health has wavered and I have worked very hard to prevent myself from going down the rabbit hole.  

I am glad that I have had my partner, my rock, my sweetie beside me. I am glad that I have been able to talk to my stepdaughter and grandson who always brings a smile to my face. Every time we talk to them we spend the next several hours reliving the moments of their prior visits. 

I am glad that I work in healthcare and have not had work interruptions like so many thousands of other people. I love my career, I have great colleagues and staff that are committed to providing quality front line community service. I feel for the people who have lost their jobs or laid off through this crisis. 

As we work through the pandemic we are encountered with the jarring reality that are society is unjust, unfair, skewed and racist. White privilege is prevalent, especially white male privilege. In Canada, a number of incidents involving Indigenous men and women have ended in lives being lost at the hands of Police and RCMP. South of the border multiple African Americans lost their lives at the hands of Police and white males. In also doesn’t help when the Orange Menace is provoking his support base and flaunting all professional advice in an effort to get re-elected. It is sad that the best the Americans can come up with to determine the next President are two Septuagenarians. I wonder if Vegas is taking odds whether they will last their term.

No wonder one’s mental health is compromised. Before I was formerly diagnosed with depression and anxiety I used to say I am in a funk and unfortunately the funk could last for weeks or months. Now I am educated and recognize that depression is a flaw in chemistry not character. 

Depression is either a curse or blessing. Some days it can be both or just one or the other. Some days my depression is triggered be something someone said or did. Other days I can wake up and not feel the love, lacking energy or motivation.  It is really hard to explain and yet easy to explain.  When I am anxious, I freeze on the spot. My mind shuts for a few seconds and can’t process information. For a few seconds to a few minutes I become paralyzed. Do I like being this way? No. I am appreciative to have a partner and my support network who understand me and mental health sometimes better than I do.

I have learnt to be kind, appreciative, supportive and empathetic. I know what triggers me and what my core emotions are and able to react to these. I allow my emotions to flow. I still take things personally, I am accountable for my actions. I am perfectly imperfect. Be yourself. 

Not Feeling The Love

For the last couple of weeks I haven’t been feeling the love. I have been feeling outraged, despondent, distraught. I have also been feeling like how am I supposed to continue and what can I do to show support first for flattening the COVID 19 curve,  than in support of the Black Lives Matter movement and now feel for the Indigenous people here in Canada.

My mental health has wavered severely and I am concerned about going down the rabbit hole of depression. It didn’t help last week when I shared some good news with a family member. This family member seemed supportive until they said “ I hope you didn’t mention that mental health crap”. I immediately called this member out and how hurtful that comment was. This family member said “ I have upset you and I love you “. I quickly ended the phone call.

My immediate thought was I can’t believe they said this and than I thought yes I can. No filter. No insight, no support.

The next day video evidence surfaced of police kicking a suspect in Winnipeg surfaced as did a video of a physical altercation against an Indigenous leader in Alberta. Plus a second murder of an Indigenous person in New Brunswick. Systemic racism is rampant within Canada and in many sectors of our society not just within police. If you think it isn’t than you are part of the problem.

I am outraged that a man was shot after being asleep in his car in a restaurant drive through in Atlanta and two men found hanging from trees In Los Angeles. This is why people are marching the streets. They are tired, angry, outraged and want change. Systemic racism is rampant.

Today a VP of an American news network was suspended for racist comments. This POS women was middle aged and probably had her views passed on down to her.  Systemic racism.

I am no saint and ashamed of myself as I have had judgements about people in the past. I am making a conscious effort to be aware of my words before they come out of my mouth. It has cost me painful moments and a few friendships over the past years.

I have been deeply affected and my sweetie and I have had some great conversations about the state of the world and how we can do our part. And how we can do better and be better human beings.  I make a point of saying hi to everyone I can on the street. I smile and wave at people in fellow cars when stopped at lights. I am appalled that here we are in 2020 and systematic racism is as prevalent as it is.

I want to feel better, I want to remain positive. I want to not feel like crying every day. I want to go to bed every night and wake up the next morning feeling happy, positive and energetic. My sweetie and I have a saying every morning “ Rock the Day “.

In a world where we can be anything Be Kind. It is simple.

Filthy Rich Despicable Scumbag

I watched the excellent Netflix series Filthy Rich recently which exposed some very bad people (Jeffrey Epstein who will be referred to as a despicable scumbag and Donald Trump who will be refereed to as the Orange Menace Dumpster Fire). These two disgusting people preyed on and still prey on the vulnerable and innocent for their own personal gain, reward and gratification.

After watching this show I became sick to my stomach. Threw up many times. I had a bad taste in my mouth for days. No amount of mouthwash helped.

I honestly don’t know how the despicable scumbag made his millions. He lied and cheated his way through life cozying up to the so called elite white privilege of society. He falsified his his resume into a teaching post at a prestigious school in NYC wormed his way into a brokerage firm where he became a top seller until he was exposed and fired. Somewhere, somehow he swindled millions from a wealthy Ohio businessman.

Basically the despicable scumbag never worked an honest day in his life. He conned his way and took advantaged of the innocent and vulnerable for over 30 years. He befriended the daughter of Robert Maxwell who became his trusted confidant and exploiter. Two days before he died he changed his will to transfer all his assets to his brother. One final way of manipulating, abusing and asserting his power. Well you despicable scumbag the joke is on you. You no longer have any reign over the women. Their voice is loud and will not be silenced.

Young girls as young as 13 were preyed upon and lured with the hope of modelling or acting opportunities. Instead they were sexually assaulted, raped, psychologically, physically, emotionally and mentally abused and manipulated and trafficked.

The young girls now brave, courageous young women are the heroes. Through this series they were able to have their voice their powerful voice heard and believed. They are still fighting and cannot be silenced. Bravo. I feel for you. Your pain, suffering and ordeal endured are more than anyone should have to experience.

The Orange Menace Dumpster Fire currently occupying the Oval Office partied with the despicable scumbag and once referred to him as a  “terrific guy and that he likes beautiful women as much as I do and many of them are on the younger side”. One word to describe this is Creepy and Disgusting. Okay two words. Of course now he is distancing himself like everyone else who profited or associated with the despicable scumbag at your expense. Their time will come because Karma is at play and it is a bitch.

I can’t imagine what you are going through in dealing with your trauma, your healing, your recovery. Your story is important and has to be told. Be strong and I support and stand with you. Just because it looks like one will not be held accountable, I have learnt that a reckoning will come and his will still come.

Prince Was A Wise Man

Today would have been Prince Rodgers Nelson’s 62 birthday. It would have been a day to celebrate with all things purple. He was an amazingly talented creative genius. He loved Minneapolis and gave so much back to the city. The stories of him helping young musicians at Paisley Park are legendary.

Minneapolis is a proud city embracing its Nordic ancestry, it is the state of hockey. I know MSP the airport like the back of my hand, having passed through so often. I have so many great friends who make Minneapolis home. We cheer for the Vikings, Wild, Wolves and Twins wherever possible.

Yet today Minneapolis is hurting like the rest of America. Honest hardworking people of all colours, ethnicities have had it and are outraged. The protests are working, my city had a peaceful rally with 15000 to 20000 attending. Conversely the next day my city had an end the lockdown restrictions rally and attracted 30 people.

We have all had to take a step back and evaluate our lot in life. We need to recognize that our white privilege is not what it is cracked up to be. We are not better than others just because of our skin colour or gender. We have to treat people the way they want to be treated, not the way we want to treat them.

The lives of George Floyd, Ahmed Aubrey, Breona Taylor, Chantel Moore will not be dismissed and forgotten. The scumbags who took their lives will pay the price. In every box of eggs there is usually one bad one. In every sector of life there are some bad people. All police officers are not bad. They are here to serve and protect. At what part is serving and protecting kneeling on a neck for 9 minutes. That is just premeditated first degree murder.

As Prince said “ When You Don’t Talk Down To Your Audience, Then They Can Grow With You” .
if you are a racist you talk down to people to build yourself up. Too many people have had this mentality in positions of power and that has to stop. #BeKindAlways #Respect