Volunteering, Why I Do It.

The week of April 23-29 is National Volunteer Week in Canada. This year it holds added significance because it is Canada's 150th birthday.  There will be many ways to get involved to celebrate the country through volunteerism.

I already do my part. I am involved in sports organizations, festivals, associations and every major event that comes to Winnipeg. The last couple of years our city has played host to FIFA Women's World Cup and Grey Cup. This summer is the Canada Summer Games and I will be apart of it.

I have a basic rule for volunteering, the minute it stops being fun and becomes a chore or like work that is the time to move on from that volunteer involvement.  In the past few years I have not had to do this. The organizations I am involved with hold special meaning for me.

I am back for my 15th year with the Winnipeg Folk Festival. For most years I was on the traffic Crew directing traffic and parking cars. Now I am in hotel hospitality. The cool aspect to this festival is that  the entertainers both well known and newly known and everyone is cool and down to earth. Over the years I have met Steve Earle, Xavier Rudd, Bruce Cockburn to name a few..

I remember talking win Steve Earle and he had nothing but rave reviews for all the volunteers. Regular folk coming together over music. My best friend Mike, God rest his soul, every April would ask me if this was the year. I finally said yes and have regretted it at all.

For the last 11 years I have volunteered with Manitoba Soccer Association in many capacities. I served on the Board for 2 years. Serve as disciplinarian for the local Senior Men's League and served as 1rst VP for 7 years. This past winter I was honoured with the senior volunteer award for outstanding contributions to soccer. I wasn't much of a player, coach or referee, however, found my niche as a volunteer.  It is a beautiful game.

For the last five years I have volunteered with various Sport Manitoba events especially the Hall of Fame dinner. I fell in love with this dinner in 2003 when my father was inducted into the hall. After attending many of the dinners, the logical step was t volunteer at it. The beauty of this event you have professional atheletes mixing with amateur atheletes and everyone's ego is checked at the door. My role at the dinner is to monitor the artifacts of all the inductees. This past year Mike Keane 3 time Stanley Cup winner was inducted complete with minature Stanley Cup on hand.

For the last 3 years I have been involved with Canadian Mental Health Association Winnipeg/Manitoba region. I volunteer at special events, booths, leading discussions and I am a MILE 5 speaker, where I go into schools and share my mentaL health story.  When I first signed up this I was unsure of my role and said to the staff person, do I fit in here. You see all the other people learning to share their story except for one were much younger than me.  Taylor reassured me that I do have a story to tell.

I had spent 25 years in Toastmasters learning how to speak in public and within 3 months of sharing  writing, preparing and sharing my story along with everyone else's story I learnt more about speaking in public than I every did in Toastmasters.

This has been the most rewarding volunteer experience for me. Each time I share my mental health story I help myself and hopefully help others.

April 22nd was Earth Day, I read that service to others is the rent you pay to earth for occupying a space. I have found the more you give in volunteering the more you get back.

Coming Clean

it is good to be back. It is time to come clean. I have made some really stupid decisions in my 53 years. Some of these decisions have caused great anguish to myself and some have caused anguish to others.

I was a slave to money for the longest time. This is starting to change. As of January 2017 my personal debt was 56,000$. For the last several years I had tried my best to hide my debt. Who was I fooling? I was only fooling myself, my partner knew.

Last year she gave me an ultimatum. She knew I wanted to get married. She told me get your debt under control and then we can get married. So in early January I proposed.

It is April 20 and to this date my debt has decreased by 11000$. I have been focused, I have counted every penny,  made sacrifices and  with teamwork from my partner.

Has it been difficult, yes and no. Have there been hiccups, most definitely. I am starting to have a greater appreciation for money and how to use it positively.  I opened up a second RRSP with  monthly contributions. My mental health has wavered through this process. What has helped me through this has been my partner walking side by side with me supporting and loving me. She has provided the framework and plan. She has kept me focused and on track. I love this lady very much. I am looking forward to marrying her and growing old together.

I have embraced my debt in the same way I have embraced my depression. The plan is early 2018 to be debt free.

For me the first step was getting real with myself and how significant money played in my life. How I valued money was putting it above everything else in my life  especially my partner. Money was identified as a problem early on in our relationship. I worked really hard at reducing my debt only to increase it by 1000$. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it is a sign of strength.

My partner made me do things that made me angry and uncomfortable. I called  my bank and creditors asking for financial help through lower interest rates. I was ashamed and embarrassed by my debt.

These calms had mixed results, however, I am no longer ashamed, embarrassed or angry about my debt. I will keep trying to negotiate with the creditors for better rates.

Through this experience I have learn valuable life lessons and finally see that money can be a compliment not a hinderance to life.

There is no magic wand ( I wish there was) to wave and have everything go away.  Commitment, focus, positive energy and a plan will make the debt go away.

Creating this blog has not reduced my debt, however, coming clean with myself has made me feel lighter. I have also discovered the secret to paying off debt is to actually pay off debt.

Vimy Ridge

   Today is Aprl 9th.  We as Canadians celebrate the battle of Vimy Ridge, 100 years ago Canadian military regiments from coast to coast came together to fight the Germans. Over the course of 3 days the Canadians did what the French and English could not do. They repelled the Germans at Vimy Ridge. The victory led to the end of World War 1. The victory helped create a strong national identity.

Canadian leaders later referred to the battle of Vimy Ridge as " Our Greatest Victory, Our Bloodiest Day". Three thousand five hundred and ninety eight men gave their life and another seven thousand and four were wounded.

I watched with tears of happiness and sorrow as the anniversary was remembered. The memorial at Vimy Ridge is poignant and dignified. When Prince William and Harry laid the finally set of soldiers boots and poppies on the memorial, I felt extremely proud to be Canadian.

I came to Canada as a boy of four in 1968 and am pleased that my father accepted his career position in Canada. We owe our freedoms and liberties to the young military personnel who fought in the World Wars.

To this day whenever, I see military personnel in uniform I thank them for their service. It is a noble and heroic honor to serve your country. We need to do more to recognize, respect and honor the commitment and sacrifice of our military personnel.

The reality is that our military service did not end 100 years ago at Vimy Ridge. The military continues to serve to protect. In peace keeping roles throughout the world. Through their sacrifice and service they sometimes experience horrors which often leads to their lives being marred by mental health issues. We need to do more to support and let them know the pride we feel in their service.

Lest We Forget.

The Dream is Still Alive

On this day 49 years ago Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis by James Earl Ray. He was in Memphis to lend his support for the African American public service workers. Dr King's life had been well documented and his legacy assured for his advancement in the civil rights movement.

The Lorraine Hotel is the backdrop for the National Civil Rights Museum. If you are visiting Memphis this museum is a must see.  It highlights the civil rights movement culminating with room 306 preserved as if it was April 4, 1968.

Also 2017 is the 50th anniversary of the movie Guess Who's Coming to Dinner starring Sydney Poiter as a black Doctor engaged to a white women. At the time of the movies release interracial marriages were stil, illegal in 17 states.

We have come a long way in 50 years or have we.  Here in Canada, Aboriginal Canadians live on reserves with poor socio economic issues. Lack of proper housing, clean running water can be contributing factors in high incidences of diabetes, tuberculosis, mental health issues and a high rate of suicide among youth.

Even here in Winnipeg, which is a diverse ethnic city full of many cultures and opportunity. Yet the their day near my office I overheard the following conversation: a gentleman in a pick up truck was stopped at a red light. A family probably new to the city speaking in their own dialect were crossing the street the light turned green before they could cross the road. The gentleman in the pick up truck rolled down his window and told them to go back to their country.

Unbelievable, I went up to the family and offered my apologies for the other gentleman's comments and reactions. In the words of Rodney King why can't we all get along.

Dr. King talked about inclusion, inclusion for everyone all races, all genders everyone as equals. Why  can't we strive for this. All it takes is stepping forward and doing the simple things whether it be a simple hello on the street, helping them learn English or providing schooling or employment.

People are seeking a sense of belonging, self esteem, pride, and identity.  Everyone wants to be valued. We are all striving to have good mental health. However, sometimes the hill seems insurmountable with a continued systemic level of hate.

MILE 5

MILE 5 is a five day program developed for high and middle school students. It stands for Mental Illness Literacy Program and is a 5 day school based stigma reduction program. I am a volunteer speaker with Canadian Mental Health Association Manitoba/Winnipeg Region and go into schools on day 4 and share my story.

Students learn what can contribute to mental illness and they learn what factors contribute to the development of mental illness. Statistics show that 1 out of every 5 people have a mental health illness.

I have shared my story now at 6 schools now and each time I come away feeling empowered and inspired. I am overwhelmed at the intelligence, knowledge of the students and realize that the worlds future is in good hands. The students are inquisitive and engaged. They ask informative insightful questions.

I share my story of dealing with depression and how I sought out professional help and have learned to deal in a positive way with my depression. My lows are not nearly as low or as long as they used to be.

The students write questions down on cue cards and then I answer them. The questions range from What is your favourite sport? Who is your favourite basketball player? to What are the signs and symptoms for you? What is it like taking medications for depression? Who has helped you deal with your depression?

I wish there was this type of program when I was going to school. Anything that can be done to break down the stigma of mental health is important. Mental health is an illness like cancer or diabetes. It is often silent and can affect anyone at any time.

For me the symptoms are two fold. I either become silent, withdrawn or distant. Or I become angry, loud, belligerent and swear lots. My triggers are an unexpected social situation which does not go as anticipated. This can also be a work situation. When I am dealing well with my depression I just roll with it. I can tell my depression is managing me when I react in one of 2 ways as mentioned above. Also I have found that laughter truly is a wonderful medicine. It is not my only medicine in my toolbox. It is good to have it in my repotoire.

Final Four

Today in Phoenix is the Final Four, the culmination of the March Madness NCAA college basketball tournament. At the same time in Dallas the women are holding their final four. This tournament has produced some of the most memorable games, the greatest upsets of all time.

This year in the women's tournament produced the greatest upset of al time. University of Connecticut had won 111 consecutive games until yesterday. Mississippi State beat them 66-64.  The streak dated back to 2014 and included a victory by 60 points over the same team at last years tournament.

In my days with the basketball team we lost a lot of games never by more than 30-40 points. I can't even fathom a loss of such magnitude. However, for that team it galvanized and became a rallying point for them ultimately paying off in their victory yesterday.

All streaks do come to an end. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series after 108 years, Detroit Red Wings have failed to qualify for the playoffs for the first time in 27 years.  Oregon Ducks are playing today in their first final four in 78 years. Edmonton Oilers are in the playoffs for the first time in 11 years.

Last year the city of Cleveland, often referred to as the mistake by the lake, won 2 sports championships and nearly a third for the first time since 1954. Earlier this year it looked like Atlanta would break through with the Falcons, however, sports proved that it is never over until it is over, especially when you have a great player like Tom Brady.

Sports brings out the best and the worst in people. The suicide rate increases in Brazil for a couple of weeks every time the soccer team is eliminated before winning the World Cup. The streak is now at 15 years and counting. I used to take losses personally and cheer for teams to lose. Now I cheers good plays and effort on both sides. I have my favourites Liverpool, Australia, University of Manitoba, San Diego Chargers. I also have teams that I take great pride in when they lose Manchester United, New Zealand. I remember seeing a sign at a World Cup rugby game in Melbourne in 2003 between Canada and New Zealand which said. We cheer for two teams Australia and anyone New Zealand is playing against.

I love all aspects of sports. It produces great drama and back stories, unsung heroes emerge, great players shine and under dogs prevail. Unlikely champions often prevail like Leicester City last year in English Football, NC State and Villanova in the 1980's ncaa college basketball, LA Kings 2013 NHL, Greece 2004 Euro's.

That is why I will be watching the final four this evening and cheering for the underdogs or the teams that have never won. Go Gonzaga.

Struggling to Smile

I am sharing with you my story that I share when I speak to high and middle school age classes. It is always extremely rewarding and I come away feeling empowered and very encouraged for the future generations. I wish they had the MILE 5 program when I was going through high school. The students ask informative and engaging questions. Enjoy and I welcome all feedback.

Good day, I stand before you today a 53 yr old middle aged man who has a great partner, good career in healthcare, wide circle of friends, interests and hobbies with a positive outlook on life.

However, for most of my life, it wasn’t always this way. I have been dealing with depression most of my life since my teenage years. I was undiagnosed until 6 years ago.

One beautiful fall afternoon my partner and I went for a walk along the Forks riverwalk. She abruptly came to a stop, looked at me straight in the eyes and said I think you have low grade depression.

Low grade depression, what is that, she explained it to me. When we got home I looked it up on the internet. The signs and symptoms were staring at me and it defined me exactly.

My eyes were wide open and the light bulb burned bright inside my brain. I started looking back at my life and believe that I first became depressed at age 15.

At this age, I was entering grade XI, my oldest brother had just gotten married and a week later my parents separated.

On the day my father left, we had lunch together, when we got home he told me to go to the basement and watch TV, while he went upstairs to pack a suitcase. The next thing I knew the door shut behind me. I called out and went and looked. No one was there. My dad left without saying goodbye.

It would be several months before I would see him again. I felt crushed, hurt, betrayed and started blaming and hating myself. My father didn’t make this part any easier, he sent letters to my mom, me and my brothers attempting to explain why he left. The letters came across as if we were to blame for his leaving. I proceeded not to tell anyone for months. I withdrew into a world of make believe. I would create stories about my life and my family that were easy to believe. Lying became the easiest thing to do.

I was not the smartest student in the class and my grades suffered. I would become disruptive in class when I would go, served a lot of detention. I started smoking cigarettes which eventually led to harder stuff such as hash oil and marijuana. One of my saving graces at this time was that cigarettes and drugs had no effect on me and tasted and smelled bad so this experiment didn’t last long.

I was escaping trying to be anyone but myself. I tried to take refuge in sports. I was a marginal soccer player and wanted to play basketball. Well I didn’t make the team; however, the coach liked my work ethic and asked me to be the team manager. I relished and embraced this opportunity it made me feel worthy.  

    

Months went by and I was hanging around the gym and coach asked me if I had class, no I said I had a spare. Several days went by and he saw me hanging out, he took me aside and said you don’t have a spare you have French class. Why are you not attending French class? I had been outed.

I came clean with coach and told him the French teacher doesn’t like me and favors the girls in the class. He intervened and brokered a deal for me with the teacher. I would not skip class, participate and do my best and then I would pass. I held up my end of the bargain and passed French class.

I confided in him about my family situation and he was very supportive and continues to be to this day whenever I see him.

Relationships were difficult; I didn’t have a lot of friends. I wore glasses and had an acne problem which made me very insecure and shy especially around girls. The girls I really liked were the ones with boyfriends, some reason I felt comfortable around them knowing that there was no way a relationship would develop.

For the rest of my high school time, I just went through the motions. I was unhappy and irritable, swore lots and would become angry at a moment’s notice. The only joy was basketball and in grade XII the last game I dressed and played a couple of minutes scoring a basket. My basketball stats read 1 game played 1 for 1 100% shooting 2 points.

After high school I went to university straight away, I had the opportunity to be the university men’s basketball team manager. This was a great experience. I spent 5 years and have a lifetime of experiences and lasting friendships.

A couple of moments stood out; in my first year we had a Christmas party at the coach’s house. The team gave me a present a shirt and tie combo. I came to be appreciative of this gift however, at the time I was resentful and said words that I wished I could take back as soon as they came out of my mouth. In the New Year I apologized and explained my situation to the team. Some of the damage lingered. Several months went by and I was hanging around with some of the team before practice. My teammates told me that I was trying to hard not to be myself and they didn’t like it. They wanted me to be me not someone else. You are a good person they told me. They said fake it to you make it.

Relationships on the home front had somewhat improved. I was communicating with my father. We found common ground in soccer, current events and history. My next oldest brother got married and moved away for school.

That left my mom and me under one roof. We coexisted however it was not easy. She became dependent on me and me on her. Looking back it was uncomfortable to the outside world, except I at the time didn’t see it that way. To some extent this was the same with my brothers who were both off married.

One of the people who saw this was my father, however, even though we had a better relationship since he left. I didn’t see it until later. One time while away with him we had a long talk about everything and I started to see my father in a different light. That maybe it wasn’t totally his fault for breaking up the family. We would meet regularly for lunches and visits and phone each other on a regular basis.

In the spring of 2000, I went on a trip to the USA. My friend bailed out at the last minute and I went by myself. The trip was a disaster and I was really feeling low. I had never contemplated suicide before; however, the thought crossed my mind several times during this trip. I thought here I am in the middle of nowhere. No one would care if I never returned. I walked around for hours and sat in the dark in my hotel room for most of the day.

What stopped me, the TV was on in the hotel room. CNN was showing live coverage of the reunion between a little boy and his father. I reached out to my father.

They say bad things happen in threes, well 2005-2006 proved that is the case. My father who I had become very close to dropped dead, 4 months later my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. I let myself go in grieve and ballooned to 230 lbs, as a result I developed type 2 diabetes.

I made lifestyle changes, ate better, exercised regularly and lost 30 lbs. My depression had stabilized and then within 2 weeks in 2008 my best friend succumbed to cancer and the women I was seeing ended our relationship.

This time I reached out to employee assistance and saw a counselor for several months. When I picked up the phone to call, they wanted to see me right away. They could hear the desperation, anxiety in my voice.

People come in and out of our lives at certain times for certain reasons. In 2010, a friend at the time suggested to my girlfriend before she became my girlfriend what about Andrew. He has his demons; however, he has a heart of gold.

I am glad she followed her heart and accepted my email request to a date. We complete each other. I am now engaged to her with a destination wedding planned for 2018. After her diagnosis on that walk, I proceeded to find out everything about mental illness and depression.

  

 A year and a half later I saw a psychologist who helped me understand and deal with my depression. I have my EAP counselor on speed dial for whenever I need to see him. I changed my lifestyle, cleaned up my act, and developed a positive support network. I am very open about my depression and have been on medication for almost 2 years.  I volunteer with Canadian Mental Health Association Manitoba/Winnipeg region. I have a blog about depression.

I deal with my depression every day. Some days are better than others. I now recognize the signs and symptoms that hopefully will prevent me from going into a major depressive state. If you are knocked down, just get back up because life has many chapters; one bad chapter doesn’t mean it’s the end of the book.

Thank you.