July is always a tough month. A month of heavy hearts, reflection and remembrance. In July, my father and my best friend both died within 3 years and 3 days of each other. They both died on Fridays. I used to be afraid and fearful of Friday's in July. Wondering who close to me was going to die next and couldn't wait for the month to end. I walked around on eggshells all month. Not a fun place to be or even good company to be around.
A couple of years ago I changed my attitude about July and embraced it. The fear went away. The memories will always remain, they don't shackle me anymore.
I miss them everyday. I honor their memory by drinking a glass of scotch to celebrate my father's life. For my friend it is a glass of dark beer. I feel their prescence around me all the time. I am comforted by this knowing they are shining their love, wisdom and guidance down on me.
Last week was very depressing and bittersweet. Our grandson was staying with us and we took him home to his parents. We love him and his parents so much, we wish that 2 provinces didn't seperate us.
It isn't until he is gone that we realize what a benefit having him with us is to our mental health. It is hard to be depressed in his presence. He brings joy discovery and adventure to our lives. Not to forget the greatest cuddles.
So for a couple of days we moped around lacking energy and devoid of emotion. After a couple of days we realized the pity party wasn't much of a party. Instead we decided to count our blessings rather than our stressings.
Number 1 on this list was our perfect grandson. Just thinking of him fills my heart with joy. I know he is back home and still a bundle of joy. I am going to choose to use my time to planning the next visit with him.
If you look at the calendar to be sad or happy, you will always find reason to be sad. Instead count your blessings and look to your heart.
Monday, 30 July 2018
Friday, 13 July 2018
Creature of Habit
I admit it I am a creature of habit. I like structure and sameness. When I ride the bus I tend to sit in the same rows of seats and if someone else is there I feel out of sorts.My sweetie always interjects " How can you be out of sorts, there is only one of you"?
I am a creature of habit about travel, always like to arrive at the airport hours before the flight. Once I am at the airport, nothing can go wrong, so the earlier the better.
I am unfortunately a creature of habit when it comes to frustration and disappointment. For me it manifests itself in misplaced anger. It doesn't have to be anything significant or major.
Growing up I was taught to be afraid of the bogeyman, the unknown, things lurking in the dark. I often heard words like its not safe to go for a walk by yourself. Be careful out there. Are you sure you are going to be okay? Stick to the main roads, don't accept rides from strangers and dont give rides to strangers. Don't talk to strangers? There is a difference between being cautious and living in fear Most people were taught to be cautious, I was taught to be fearful.
My whole life growing up was living in fear. Why? My parents split up when I was young and I lived with my mother and had 2 older brothers and all of them were overprotective of me and to some extent are still today. I believe that this is when my depression first started.
We have or 2 year old grandson staying with us and he is full of discovery. Loves to explore. My first thought is to stop him from exploring because the world can be a scary place. My more realistic thought is to not stifle his creativity and discovery as long as he is not placing himself in any danger.
I also watch him and wonder when is the fear going to set in. Well frankly I hope it never doses.
I look back at my life and recognize that a lot of positives and success have come from the times when I have taken risks. Like 8 years ago this week, I took a risk and as a result I have the most loving, caring supportive partner anyone could want. I am lucky she allowed me to be in her life.
I have the healthcare position I have because I took a risk 11 years ago with a new department/program. I have great job satisfaction.
Eight years ago, I took a risk by trusting my partner when she indicated that I was suffering from depression and I have embraced it and am open about it. This has led me to speak to school age teens about mental health and create a blog. I do not suffer from depression, I deal with depression.
The next risk I am going to take is to write a book about my journey with depression. Oh yeah and I talk to strangers everyday and even branch out and sit in different seats on the bus.
The world is not scary. the world is full of adventure, risks and discovery. One of my motto's is act like you belong.
I continue to be a work in progress, some days are better than others. Yesterday, I was fearful and afraid and felt like a scared little child/boy. The depression manifested itself into misplaced anger over what turned out to be nothing. Today is a good day. I know it is a cliche, it really is one day at a time.
I am a creature of habit about travel, always like to arrive at the airport hours before the flight. Once I am at the airport, nothing can go wrong, so the earlier the better.
I am unfortunately a creature of habit when it comes to frustration and disappointment. For me it manifests itself in misplaced anger. It doesn't have to be anything significant or major.
Growing up I was taught to be afraid of the bogeyman, the unknown, things lurking in the dark. I often heard words like its not safe to go for a walk by yourself. Be careful out there. Are you sure you are going to be okay? Stick to the main roads, don't accept rides from strangers and dont give rides to strangers. Don't talk to strangers? There is a difference between being cautious and living in fear Most people were taught to be cautious, I was taught to be fearful.
My whole life growing up was living in fear. Why? My parents split up when I was young and I lived with my mother and had 2 older brothers and all of them were overprotective of me and to some extent are still today. I believe that this is when my depression first started.
We have or 2 year old grandson staying with us and he is full of discovery. Loves to explore. My first thought is to stop him from exploring because the world can be a scary place. My more realistic thought is to not stifle his creativity and discovery as long as he is not placing himself in any danger.
I also watch him and wonder when is the fear going to set in. Well frankly I hope it never doses.
I look back at my life and recognize that a lot of positives and success have come from the times when I have taken risks. Like 8 years ago this week, I took a risk and as a result I have the most loving, caring supportive partner anyone could want. I am lucky she allowed me to be in her life.
I have the healthcare position I have because I took a risk 11 years ago with a new department/program. I have great job satisfaction.
Eight years ago, I took a risk by trusting my partner when she indicated that I was suffering from depression and I have embraced it and am open about it. This has led me to speak to school age teens about mental health and create a blog. I do not suffer from depression, I deal with depression.
The next risk I am going to take is to write a book about my journey with depression. Oh yeah and I talk to strangers everyday and even branch out and sit in different seats on the bus.
The world is not scary. the world is full of adventure, risks and discovery. One of my motto's is act like you belong.
I continue to be a work in progress, some days are better than others. Yesterday, I was fearful and afraid and felt like a scared little child/boy. The depression manifested itself into misplaced anger over what turned out to be nothing. Today is a good day. I know it is a cliche, it really is one day at a time.
Monday, 9 July 2018
Actions Have Consequences
A very powerful statement " Actions Have Consequences". These consequences can be both positive and negative. They can affect the masses or a few select people. They can be far reaching or extremely localized.
I have come to understand and appreciate the significance of my actions. Since January 1, my sweetie and I have been compiling a list of all our positive actions. After 6 months we have quite the list.
Conversely some of my actions have ended up with negative consequences. Most significant because of my loose lips I lost a friendship. I said some things that I wish I could take back the minute they come out of my mouth. The damage had already been done.
I am a huge sports fan, in particular, soccer and have been fascinated with the World Cup. Cheering loudly for teams I want to advance and watching the heartbreak and anguish when teams do not win or advance in the tournament. Some players actions have led to their teams failure to advance. Other players actions have led to them crying wolf one too many times and not ending up with the benefit of the doubt in the referees eyes.
On the world stage we have seen the USA President impose tariffs on countries and yet seems bewildered when these countries impose tariffs right back on the USA. His actions have far reaching consequences on a global perspective. Most of them are detrimental.
For me, after losing my friendship I went into a mini tailspin. There is no slippery slope for me I slip into a downward spiral very quickly. It affected my interactions with my sweetie, the negative energy emanating from me can be seen a mile away. Karma can be such a curse. What you put out you get back. Further negative actions on my part only compounded the issue. It affects all aspects of my life. Family, work and social. Sometimes I feel like a powder keg ready to explode. I don't want to.
Negative thoughts pervade my brain, I am at the same time being mindful of watching what comes out of my mouth. It has gotten so bad that my sweetie and I rehearse conversations. I am so lucky to have her in my life as the loving supportive partner.
This is what depression does to me.
I have come to understand and appreciate the significance of my actions. Since January 1, my sweetie and I have been compiling a list of all our positive actions. After 6 months we have quite the list.
Conversely some of my actions have ended up with negative consequences. Most significant because of my loose lips I lost a friendship. I said some things that I wish I could take back the minute they come out of my mouth. The damage had already been done.
I am a huge sports fan, in particular, soccer and have been fascinated with the World Cup. Cheering loudly for teams I want to advance and watching the heartbreak and anguish when teams do not win or advance in the tournament. Some players actions have led to their teams failure to advance. Other players actions have led to them crying wolf one too many times and not ending up with the benefit of the doubt in the referees eyes.
On the world stage we have seen the USA President impose tariffs on countries and yet seems bewildered when these countries impose tariffs right back on the USA. His actions have far reaching consequences on a global perspective. Most of them are detrimental.
For me, after losing my friendship I went into a mini tailspin. There is no slippery slope for me I slip into a downward spiral very quickly. It affected my interactions with my sweetie, the negative energy emanating from me can be seen a mile away. Karma can be such a curse. What you put out you get back. Further negative actions on my part only compounded the issue. It affects all aspects of my life. Family, work and social. Sometimes I feel like a powder keg ready to explode. I don't want to.
Negative thoughts pervade my brain, I am at the same time being mindful of watching what comes out of my mouth. It has gotten so bad that my sweetie and I rehearse conversations. I am so lucky to have her in my life as the loving supportive partner.
This is what depression does to me.
Saturday, 30 June 2018
Happy Canada Day
It is Canada Day long weekend. My country Canada is 151 years young and in September it will be 50 years as a resident and 45 years as a citizen of the greatest country in the world. A country that has a universal safety net. A country that promotes and celebrates the diverse cultures that make up Canada.
As a 4 year old in 1968 I came along for the ride. My father came to teach history at the University of Manitoba. Within two weeks of arriving in Winnipeg my parents purchased a house in a great neighbourhood which reflected the diverse nature of Canada.
From then to now it has been a great journey. A journey with many twists and turns. A journey of great discovery. One of the great discoveries was meeting and developing a loving relationship with my sweetheart. She has opened up many doors of discovery for me. For which I am a better person and eternally grateful and blessed.
She was the first to recognize my depression and has supported me through the highs and lows. She showed me that the world can be a positive kind place and taught me about the power of the secret. It is so true, what you put out people see and react to it. Positive vibes attract positive vibes and conversely so do the negative attract the negative.
My sweetie and I have had different journeys but we have shared one journey together as we became grandparents together.
It is cliche but he is the greatest bundle of joy. This bundle of joy showed me what unconditional love was for the first time and continues to do so. From the first moment I changed him (he peed on me) to how he holds are hands when outside walking in public. I have to shake my head constantly to make sure I am not dreaming. Last night my step daughter was feeling low and we had a great 40 min face time conversation. I did it the unconventional way. My family deeply loves me and I deeply love them.
I love being a Canadian and one of the best health remedies for mental health is to have a family that I love and they love me.
As a 4 year old in 1968 I came along for the ride. My father came to teach history at the University of Manitoba. Within two weeks of arriving in Winnipeg my parents purchased a house in a great neighbourhood which reflected the diverse nature of Canada.
From then to now it has been a great journey. A journey with many twists and turns. A journey of great discovery. One of the great discoveries was meeting and developing a loving relationship with my sweetheart. She has opened up many doors of discovery for me. For which I am a better person and eternally grateful and blessed.
She was the first to recognize my depression and has supported me through the highs and lows. She showed me that the world can be a positive kind place and taught me about the power of the secret. It is so true, what you put out people see and react to it. Positive vibes attract positive vibes and conversely so do the negative attract the negative.
My sweetie and I have had different journeys but we have shared one journey together as we became grandparents together.
It is cliche but he is the greatest bundle of joy. This bundle of joy showed me what unconditional love was for the first time and continues to do so. From the first moment I changed him (he peed on me) to how he holds are hands when outside walking in public. I have to shake my head constantly to make sure I am not dreaming. Last night my step daughter was feeling low and we had a great 40 min face time conversation. I did it the unconventional way. My family deeply loves me and I deeply love them.
I love being a Canadian and one of the best health remedies for mental health is to have a family that I love and they love me.
Tuesday, 19 June 2018
Sick to My Stomach
I am sick to my stomach every time I see images of little kids being forcible ripped from their parents arms and put in cages. I am appalled that this behaviour is playing out in the United States of America.
The so called greatest nation in the world. Well sadly no more. My heart goes out to all those parents and kids who are only seeking a better life. I am not a parent, I am a proud grandfather of a 2 year old and can't fathom him being taken away from us throughout no fault.
What responsible adult allows this behaviour to happen? Oh right, a person who is not responsible for his actions. I am calling out you Mr. Maniacal, Narcsisstict Trump. A person who believes that people like Kim Jung On and Vladimir Putin are good people and yet goes to extreme to piss off your allies by slapping unnecessary tariffs on your allies. Then have one of your minions go on national tv on a station which you say promotes fake news and say that their is a special place in hell for Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau because he won't roll over and bow down to your bullying tactics.
You Trump as a father how can you look at your self in the mirror and think you are making America great again by ripping kids from their parents arms regardless of the circumstance. Don't you ever criticize another country for violating human rights without looking in the mirror.
I am sick to my stomach over your bullying actions. I have been bullied before and it is not fun. Being bullied led to my depression. What I learned from being bullied is that the bullied person becomes stronger. The person doing the bullying has to be this way because he doesn't have enough self confidence to take responsibility for his actions, lacks self confidence and needs to impose his will on people who seem inferior or unable to fight back. You make think your actions hurt no one and that their will be no consequences. Well their is a price to pay for every action. That is why be positive, be respectful and treat every one the way you want to be treated is the only way to go.
The so called greatest nation in the world. Well sadly no more. My heart goes out to all those parents and kids who are only seeking a better life. I am not a parent, I am a proud grandfather of a 2 year old and can't fathom him being taken away from us throughout no fault.
What responsible adult allows this behaviour to happen? Oh right, a person who is not responsible for his actions. I am calling out you Mr. Maniacal, Narcsisstict Trump. A person who believes that people like Kim Jung On and Vladimir Putin are good people and yet goes to extreme to piss off your allies by slapping unnecessary tariffs on your allies. Then have one of your minions go on national tv on a station which you say promotes fake news and say that their is a special place in hell for Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau because he won't roll over and bow down to your bullying tactics.
You Trump as a father how can you look at your self in the mirror and think you are making America great again by ripping kids from their parents arms regardless of the circumstance. Don't you ever criticize another country for violating human rights without looking in the mirror.
I am sick to my stomach over your bullying actions. I have been bullied before and it is not fun. Being bullied led to my depression. What I learned from being bullied is that the bullied person becomes stronger. The person doing the bullying has to be this way because he doesn't have enough self confidence to take responsibility for his actions, lacks self confidence and needs to impose his will on people who seem inferior or unable to fight back. You make think your actions hurt no one and that their will be no consequences. Well their is a price to pay for every action. That is why be positive, be respectful and treat every one the way you want to be treated is the only way to go.
Sunday, 10 June 2018
Tears of Joy/Sorrow
Last week I lost a friend. A friend for over 25 years. An extrodanary man, a talented and funny man yet humble to the core. His legacy is solidified, he was loved by many.
His quick wit was one of his greatest gifts. Self deprecating humour. If you were brought into his poke at himself it was the ultimate compliment.
I will miss our true friendship. We didn't have to talk regularly. We knew that we could reach out and count on each other.
I will miss him. The last couple of days, my sweetie and I have been reliving the times together. Reminiscing, reflecting, remembering and cherishing the memories.
Whenever someone close to me passes, I question my own mortality. I know that grieving a loss is important. With my depression, I need to be aware of how fragile it is and not let myself go to that dark place. This is why I blog, volunteer, am a mental health advocate. I help myself by trying to help and support others.
Tears were shed this week. I am comforted in knowing that heaven will be a funnier place because of my friend. Miss you.
His quick wit was one of his greatest gifts. Self deprecating humour. If you were brought into his poke at himself it was the ultimate compliment.
I will miss our true friendship. We didn't have to talk regularly. We knew that we could reach out and count on each other.
I will miss him. The last couple of days, my sweetie and I have been reliving the times together. Reminiscing, reflecting, remembering and cherishing the memories.
Whenever someone close to me passes, I question my own mortality. I know that grieving a loss is important. With my depression, I need to be aware of how fragile it is and not let myself go to that dark place. This is why I blog, volunteer, am a mental health advocate. I help myself by trying to help and support others.
Tears were shed this week. I am comforted in knowing that heaven will be a funnier place because of my friend. Miss you.
Wednesday, 30 May 2018
Loose Lips Sink Ships Part 2
The other day I blogged about the power of words, or more importantly how damaging words can be if not used properly.
Well once again the written word has caused great damage resulting in job losses for a lot of innocent people. Rosanne Barr used social media to unleash her views about various people. The consequence for her ill timed words was swift and appropriate. Her show was cancelled.
Of course, she tried to backtrack and apologize blaming her bad tweet on Ambien. Thankfully the drug company responded by stating that a side effect of their product is not racism.
Here is a women who is crass, boorish and has a history of being inappropriate. I remember her singing a poor rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at a baseball game, when the crowd booed her she grabbed her crotch and spat on the ground.
In my home town, she appeared at the local casino, one of my colleagues went to see her and thought the show was great. I wonder what that lady is thinking now.
The Canadian rapper Drake had a liaison with a women other than his partner. This women has now given birth. In response to the birth of his child he proceeded to call the women a real bad profanity laced word. Another class act who showed his true character. Oh and he apologized by saying he was taken out of context.
Growing up we were all taught if you can't say anything nice about someone don't say anything at all. The world would be a better place if we stopped, thought and became aware of our words and our actions. I know some people can't help themselves, some do it for effect. In the end is it really worth it. I hope people will stop supporting Rosanne Barr and Drake because of their actions and words. The damage they have done is life altering. We all have choices to make. The more positive choices we make the better the footprint we leave. Our words and actions influence other. The choice is ours as to the influence they have. Choose wisely.
Well once again the written word has caused great damage resulting in job losses for a lot of innocent people. Rosanne Barr used social media to unleash her views about various people. The consequence for her ill timed words was swift and appropriate. Her show was cancelled.
Of course, she tried to backtrack and apologize blaming her bad tweet on Ambien. Thankfully the drug company responded by stating that a side effect of their product is not racism.
Here is a women who is crass, boorish and has a history of being inappropriate. I remember her singing a poor rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at a baseball game, when the crowd booed her she grabbed her crotch and spat on the ground.
In my home town, she appeared at the local casino, one of my colleagues went to see her and thought the show was great. I wonder what that lady is thinking now.
The Canadian rapper Drake had a liaison with a women other than his partner. This women has now given birth. In response to the birth of his child he proceeded to call the women a real bad profanity laced word. Another class act who showed his true character. Oh and he apologized by saying he was taken out of context.
Growing up we were all taught if you can't say anything nice about someone don't say anything at all. The world would be a better place if we stopped, thought and became aware of our words and our actions. I know some people can't help themselves, some do it for effect. In the end is it really worth it. I hope people will stop supporting Rosanne Barr and Drake because of their actions and words. The damage they have done is life altering. We all have choices to make. The more positive choices we make the better the footprint we leave. Our words and actions influence other. The choice is ours as to the influence they have. Choose wisely.
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