54 Hours

A worldwind trip to take our beloved grandson home for Christmas. He is the best little boy and travels so well. It is so easy to enjoy life when he is around. He was with us for 2 weeks earlier this month.  We got his picture taken with Santa. He saw polar bears at the zoo. He loved us unconditionally and we loved him equally.  I have said this before. Hugs and love from Ollie is the best.

My sweetie says after pancakes and bacon breakfast lets go. Load up the car. We are off. This was the first Christmas I have ever gone by car anywhere outside the city. I was embarking on this adventure with the two most important people in my life. An adventure 54 hours in the making.

As we headed west from the city I could hear the negative predicated by fear voices of my past. The roads will be poor, your car doesn't have snow tires and on and on. For about an hour these voices were in my head.

Well the roads were great, a little snow blown west of Llyodminister and no snow in rural Saskatchewan. We stopped overnight at a great hotel. Got upgraded to a king suite. It was great to see Ollie explore this huge room. He enjoyed watching himself watch TV in the full floor to ceiling mirror.

The adventure continued Christmas morning. After a great breakfast and a send off from the cat lady front desk clerk. Three hours later we dropped Ollie off at his parents place. He was so happy to see his mom and sad as we were to see him go.

About an hour and half into our return trip we saw a man hitchhiking. We passed him and thought for sure someone would stop and pick him up. My sweetie and I looked at each other and we knew we had to go back and pick him up. It was Christmas after all. This gentleman Mike was so grateful for the ride that as soon as he got into the back seat he fell asleep and had 2 hours of restorative sleep. We said our goodbyes at the next major stop. Who knows what his story was. We were grateful that we provided a few hours of peace for this gentleman. Good adventure Mike where ever it takes you.

The rest of the day was uneventful until our hotel room in Regina. We were both convinced it was haunted. Weird noises and the phone ringing in the middle of the night. An experience none the less.

The fear of travelling in winter, the fear of hitchhikers and haunted hotel rooms made for a wonderful Christmas experience. The best part was sharing and spending it with the love of my life. Life lessons learned were take risks, be kind, be compassionate, show empathy, walk a mile in someone else's shoes, show no judgement, embrace life and live without fear.

Fear and Fear Mongering

This was amazing.  Ollie our 2 yr bundle of joy grandson at about 7 pm went and got his shoes on and wanted to go out. We thought okay let's go, so we headed off to the nearest McDonald's play palace. At first Ollie was timid about the play structure and wanted us to go with him and climb.

Then a little girl guided Ollie up the climbing area to the third level and then the next thing we know he is going down the slide. We were so excited and proud of Ollie until I heard my mother's voice inside my head. All my childhood fears came flooding back. The voice saying it's too high, it's unsafe, you will fall and hurt yourself.

Thankfully, this fear only lasted a few seconds as I saw Ollie come down the slide and scamper back up to it all again. We were enthusiastically cheering him on. When he came down the slide for the 10th time he had the biggest smile on his face. Came and gave us a big hug before going back for another climb and slide

No fear, just youthful exuberance. I firmly believe that positive role modelling and words have a lasting effect and if I showed fear in my voice or expression Ollie would have picked up on that and displayed fear and worry. Because I didn't he was able to conquer and explore freely.

Fear monger in serves no purpose in society. Governments are very good at promoting fear among the populace. Who can ever forget Ari Fleischers famous words in the weeks after 9/11 " You're either with us or against us". Another example is in grade school seeing a film called " Mechanized Death". It showed gruesome effects of car accidents. It was trying to teach us respect about bus and car safety.  I remember walking out halfway through along with about half the class. The legalization of pot in Canada will literally go to pot. The building of a drug treatment recovery centre in a residential area will increase crime in that area.

Depression and anxiety leave  you more suspectible and less resilient to fear and fear mongering. I certainly have felt the effects of this. As I watched my grandson I was filled with wonderment and great joy. I was also a little jealous that he was fortunate enough to still have sense of adventure and wonderment and not learned how to fear yet. It makes me wish more of us can be childlike and have a sense of whimsy.

Core Emotion: Anger

Last time out I shared with you my core emotion of fear. Now it is angers turn.

I knew for years, that there was something not right with me. I couldn't put my finger on it until I was diagnosed with depression. One of the symptoms of depression in some people is irritability and anger. In my case it was more than that. I would get mad at the easiest of things. I used to think this was a family trait because it was symbolic of all of us to lose it. My parents at the slightest provocation would go to anger very quickly. This I have since come to know was learned behaviour.

My father when he was angry would say the words bugger and damnation. My brothers would swear at anything and my mother would raise her voice to a yell. I would swear and become irritable at anything.

Last week my sweetie and I were visiting my mother. During the course of the conversation she asks about the Santa Claus suit she gave me over 30 years ago. I said I had 30+ years of use bringing joy to thousands of people and it was time to hang up my suit. I gave it to Salvation Army. At that point  for my mother what I had done was the most heinous thing ever. She raised her voice and said "How Dare You, that is the last gift I am ever giving you".  I am 54 years old, my oldest brother is 8 years older.  You do the math. My mother is in the sunset of her life. I realize she was doing the best she could and still is. It is so hard to get rid of this anger when there is so much around me as evidenced when I talk to her. She uses anger as a wedge by tattling on me to my brother who calls and berates me.

Sometimes I feel I am fighting an uphill battle. It took me more than half a century to realize my anger was hurting me not helping me. I love my mother and brother very much, however, it seems that interactions with them haven't evolved from when I was a child.

My grandson, gives me a second chance, a blessing to start over again and do it better.

Because of this learned behaviour I didn't realize that being angry has consequences. Over the past years I have said and done harmful things and for the most part didn't realize how much damage was done. Looking back at it, I now recognize why some people ceased to have anything to do with me. Opportunities passed me by because of this behaviour. I remember one time I applied in store for a retail position. After giving my resume in to the manager, I ran into someone I knew. We started chatting and at some point I swore loudly. Needless to say I didn't get the position.

I love sports, participating, watch live or on TV. I would get mad at the simplest little situation that went against the team I was rooting for. I now know it is only a game. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

Like any learned behaviour it can be changed. I am changing my behaviour. I don't get angry at the slightest provocation. I still get angry over things and my sweetie calls me on it. My friends call me on it. I need this and appreciate this. My life is better without being angry, irritated at everything. Believe me it is not worth it.

What is Your Core Emotion?

I  have 3 core emotions that affect my life. Fear, angry and the effect money has over me are my core emotions. I will tackle the role fear plays in my life in this entry.

From a very early age I have lived in fear. The first house I lived in we had a garage we were told never to go into. It was inhabited with some of Australia's deadliest spiders and insects. When we came to Canada we had to deal with winter. My mom would always tell me be careful the roads are icy, the sidewalks are icy you could fall and hurt yourself. Be careful, be safe. I heard these words over and over again. Four years ago I fell on the ice and broke my ankle. I heard my mother's voice inside me saying I told you so, you needed to be more careful. 

Even today I hear my mother's voice saying don't talk to strangers, be careful, be safe, don't take risks. Years ago I changed jobs. I took a risk and it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. My mom said you gave up your pension, your seniority and now have to start all over. I said so, I will and I have.  Thankful, her voice is diminishing. When my father was alive he was the opposite he encouraged me to take risks to try new opportunities.

Years ago I visited the CN Tower in Toronto, on the observation floor they have a glass floor portion. There were children sitting on the glass portion. I was sweating, afraid that the floor would give way and wanted to pick up the kids and move them off the glass floor. In 2016, I went back to the tower and stood on the glass floor and looked down for several minutes. 

At one moment in my life, I was scheduled to go sky diving. I had paid my money and was looking forward to the day. Then the day arrived and got called in to work and lost the desire to do this. However, in recent years, my nephew has gone and former President Bush went on his 90th 

birthday. My thought if they can do it so could I. My nephew didn't tell my mom or his dad until after the event happened. They still talk about the fear of skydiving.  I commend my nephew. 

I am happy to say that I am dealing with my fears in a positive way, dismissing the voice of negativity and fear that has prevailed much of my life. However, I am not perfect, and that fear still creeps in when I am feeling depressed and low. When I am depressed I am afraid that no one will help me and I will not get out of my depressive state. I understand that this is the depression allowing the fear into the brain. 

Life is about moving forward positively. I understand and respect the role fear has played in my life. I choose to not let it affect me.

The Reason Things Change; Because They Need To

The other day I posted my entry about sharing my story at a middle school. This is a follow up. I mentioned that high school was not always easy for me. In reality, I got off pretty darn good compared to today's standards.

Fortunately, I did not have to go to school hungry. Today some students go to school hungry. Meal programs are a necessary component in today's school environment.

We had one guidance counsellor for the entire school and he was interested in providing career counselling.

Now there are multiple guidance counsellors, social workers and a psychologist. Are students dealing with more complex issues? Probably not, however, the school system has recognized that there are more social problems students are dealing with. The curriculum has changed. More focus on today's societal concerns. Schools are more balanced and in touch with students of today.
Does bullying exist? Yes. More students cone from one parent homes, more poverty, more ethnically diverse student base. Cultural and ethnic considerations are taken into consideration. The anthem is sung, the Lord's Prayer is not said.

 There are programs like Speak Up where students learn about mental health issues and resources. When I speak at schools I am marvelled at how progressive the schools have become. They are more acutely aware of the needs of students. The students are encouraged to write questions or comments on cue cards. On one occasion a student asked how they can prevent themselves from doing self harm.

I talk about the support networks, the importance of reaching out for help and to seek professional assistance. I admire their courage, bravery for being honest. Thankfully the psychologist will follow up.

For me in high school, I owe a huge thank you to my high school basketball coach for stepping into my space and helping me through a rough period. For literally preventing me from dropping out or falling in with the wrong crowd.

Today, I am thankful to my sweetheart and a small group of friends for keeping me honest with my depression and stepping into my specs when needed.

I have been saved because people cared, loved and supported me. When you least expect it your real supporters will step forward. Be brave, be open and be vocal.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends and family. It is one of my favourite holidays. Some people don't understand considering my Thanksgiving in Canada is the second Monday in October. I always take these 2 days off. I watch NFL games on Thursday and a wide assortment of college, NBA and NHL games on Friday.

Today was a little different, I was sharing my story at a middle school. Each time I do this I come away feeling empowered and inspired. The future of our society is in good hands.

An inner city school with a cross section of ethnicities. It is part of a week long understanding and education about mental health called Speak Up. On the 4rth day volunteers like myself come in to share their story. I wish when I was in grade school this type of program was offered.

In my story I share how high school for me was tough after my parents seperated. I was not the smartest student and was very shy and introverted. I would skip class and serve lots of detention.

If it wasn't for my involvement as student manager of the high school basketball team, I might have fallen in with the wrong crowd or become a high school dropout. School was that bad for me.

Every time I speak to school students I understand how hard it can be for some students. After my speech the students are encouraged to write out questions and comments which I answer and comment on. I am always impressed at the insightful questions being asked. My story resonates with these students and touches some nerves.

Some of the questions reveal that some of the students are dealing with mental health issues. I share from what has worked for me. My positive support network, my wonderful sweetheart, my amazing 2 year old grandson. My openness and education with and about depression. This blog and how therapeutic it is for me. I am also actively involved in many and varied activities.

Do I still have lapses. You bet. Dealing with depression is a daily reality. I give thanks daily for how far I have come and I look forward positively to what the next chapters of my life will bring.

Chapters In My Life

I am  a 54 yrs old man.  First of all, I want to tell you how significant that is.  There was a time when I never would admit my age, but now that I'm here, I am counting my days until I get carded at Safeway.  Yes, I want the seniors discount !!  Second of all, as I will tell you, there was a time when I contemplated leaving this Earth.  That is in the past.  In my present, I have a wonderful partner Shelley, her family, a good career in healthcare, a wide circle of friends, activities and interests and one amazing 2 yr old grandson. In my future, I have goals, dreams, and plans. 

And now, my past.  Eight years ago,  my partner and I were walking at the Forks when she stopped and said, I think you have depression. When we got home I looked up information about depression and the signs and symptoms were staring back at me. The light bulb in my brain went off.

 I knew there was something not right with me; I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I saw other people living life effortlessly and that was not me.  I was irritable all the time, angry, withdrawn, impatient, and never really felt a self of contentment.  I was searching. I tried to find it by using money to by material objects and go on trips. I tried to find it by chasing after relationships I had no hope in creating. What this got me was deep in debt and afraid of relationships and commitment. I talked a good game, I wasn’t living a good game. In short, throughout my life, I have been struggling to smile.  

I traced my depression back to the age of 15 when my parents separated and my two older brothers were grown, flown, and on their own.  I, in no way, want to disparage my mother, because I know she was doing the best she could, but, our relationship became enmeshed.  I took on her adult heartache.  I was busy looking after her emotional needs that I became emotional stagnant.  There were very few things my parents had in common, other than their children, but one thing was their irritability.  But, it was more than that.  They were both able to fly off the handle without the slightest provocation.  I was like that.  I thought it was genetic and I had no choice in the matter.  Now, I know it was learned behaviour, meaning that with time and desire, I could learn other patterns.  

A couple of months later I was formally diagnosed with depression. My doctor asked about medication. I said that no, because I believed once you are on meds you never come off. I had stigma and irrational fears around medication.

I decided to be educated and open with my depression. I also tell people I deal with depression and not suffer with it. I have come to understand the power of correct terminology. I told everyone and mostly had people who could relate, only a few people chose not to understand.  I think perhaps those are suffering with their own demons and I hope they have something to give them a nudge like I did, but, I don't judge.  Being judgmental is a sign for me that I need a mental health tune up.  

 I saw a Psychologist and went through Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In the winter of 2014, a course was being offered from CMHA through my work called Living Life to the Fullest. After the course finished I decided I wanted to volunteer in the mental health field. I took Mental Health First Aid and started volunteering at CMHA. This led to me becoming a speaker sharing my story with the Speak Up program. I go to schools middle and high schools, universities and companies to share my story. What an amazing experience. I feel empowered and confident after each time. The students ask insightful and knowledgeable questions. I wish this type of program was offered when I was in grade school. On one occasion I came back to work and one of the nurses asked me about my morning. She said her daughter deals with anxiety and depression. At every corner like minded people exist. After each speech the students ask questions and write comments. The questions are varied and insightful. In my speech I mentioned how I contemplated suicide once and one student wrote in their comment that I am so glad you didn’t carry through because you have so much to share with the world.  Who knew that having depression could be so rewarding??  I have also realized the importance of medication as part of my wellness plan.  

 We have one grandson.  Recently, Shelley was asked if she had six grandchildren.  The reason she was asked is because we both talk about Oliver all the time.  I happen to have a million photos on my phone if you are interested.  Having no children of my own, I didn't know what kind of grandpa I would be.  The first night he crawled up on my knee on my chair and fell asleep in my arms was one of the happiest moments of my life.  I felt I knew what unconditional love was.  Ollie just gives love and is grateful to receive it back.  No strings attached.  Just love.  A hug from Ollie just warms my heart.  Because of Ollie, I am motivated to volunteer and help others.  I don't want Ollie to go through what I did as a teen.  I want to leave the world a better place for Ollie.  

I have chronicled my journey with depression into a blog. I comment on my journey with depression. The good, the bad. The highs and lows. My feelings and fears. My blog is called Struggling to Smile.  Over the past couple of years, especially when I am with Ollie, people have suggested I call it Struggling to Smile No More.  But, I am not going to change the title.  Even though I have come along way, I still have little lapses.  I have to work hard so that they are not relapses.  

I am just so glad that I am open with my depression.  It is a way to connect with people since almost everyone either has dealt with this or has been affected by a family member or friend. As a result I have greater relationships/friendships and I have my debt under control to the point where it doesn’t suffocate me.

Dealing with depression is a daily reality. I am educated and open about my journey. I am prepared to help others with their journey. I understand that I am work in progress and what my core emotions and triggers are. I do not apologize for my behaviour. If I make plans for something and cancel out at the last minute that’s okay. I am starting to appreciate and value life. I love myself and the place I am at in my life. I am thankful for the love of my life, my rock Shelley. For the strong and diverse network of friends. The varied and diverse interests in my life. I am in a good place right now.

I have had a few bad chapters in my book.  I don't dwell and I now choose to skim over them.  But, I am still reading the book of my life and can't wait to see how it all turns out.