Depression: A Kick In The Teeth

This month of October has been terrible. Feel like I have been kicked in the teeth I am 55 and experienced pneumonia for the first time. It sucked the life out of me. All the energy I could muster got me to work. And that was all.

On top of that my depression ratchet up several notches to the point where I was starting to believe I had all kinds of ailments and would not recover. When I started feeling better, my depression was having nothing of it. It dragged me down. I missed several days of work.

I hate missing work, I enjoy my career choice and am very good at it. You can only watch so many Law & Order reruns, even Netflix gets stale after a couple of days. I would rather be at work, than I feel guilty that I might be making my colleagues sick. I feel guilty staying home.

I like being busy and active, depression doesn’t want me to be. This past month I have battled with myself to suppress my depression. Some days I feel like I am winning, other days I am losing. On the  days I am losing one minute it’s pneumonia the next it’s cancer, the next it’s headaches

, fatigue and don’t want to get out of bed.

Unless you deal with depression it is hard to explain. Yet sharing it is the best way to end the stigma. On weekends all I want to do is stay in bed or on the couch. My sweetie is extremely supportive and would do anything for me. When she suggests getting some fresh air like a walk, I almost bite her head off at the thought.

I have tried several times to blog my thoughts. The depression says not a chance so I don’t. Even this blog I am taking a chance. I am saying to my depression shove it if ever so briefly. When I am depressed my thoughts, actions and words are tough to remain positive. All I feel like doing is closing the door and screaming at the top of my lungs. This may sound like a good idea a short term solution.

I tell myself to be positive, be kind, you have so much good in your heart and so much to look forward to. My depression tells me “ Talk is Cheap”. This cat and mouse game continues. Some days are good, some are bad. Some days are shitty at every turn and some days are great.

That’s life with depression. I surround myself with a positive network who I reach out to on a regular basis. Having accepted that depression will be a lifelong battle for me gives me hope and keeps me going that better days are ahead.

#The Struggle Is Real

The other day we attended a charity bowling fundraiser. It was a great event and raised significant money for an addictions recovery centre. The organizers of the event, friends of ours, created the fundraiser in memory of their son. The profound loss of a son, prompted the parents to action. An action which will save lives.

Last month we attended the dedication on the site of the addictions recovery centre. What seemed like a no brainer to my sweetie and I and thousands of others turned into a drag them out battle. A battle that didn’t have to be. A battle born out of ignorance and misinformation.

Finally all the rezoning and formalities are all done. The rebuild can begin in many ways. The building will be transformed, the community will heal and lives will be saved.

Hearing stories of lives torn apart by addiction and mental illness. These stories are heart wrenching. My friend’s story is no different. The underlying theme is that the people in need of help were reaching out to be helped to be saved. The resources of help are not readily available. Lists are long as demand is high. The crisis is real and not going away.

Mental health and addictions can go hand in hand. No one is immune. Anyone can become an addict, anyone can develop a mental health issue. Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not in character.

It’s simple be kind, be supportive, be respectful. Everyone has a story. My friends are two of the most courageous people I know. They have chosen to honor their son by working to prevent others from not having to go through what they experience.

Depression is a bitch. It kicks us in the ass when we are down and kicks us in the ass when we are up.
Everyday is a struggle. It is not to be trivialized.

The Kindness of Strangers

Today is September 11.  A day of reflection and remembrance. A day of where we instinctively remember where we were and what we were doing. For me, I had just finished a shower when my roommate yelled down a plane has hit the World Trade Centre. My first thought was that must be some serious New York fog for this to happen. Before I left for work, I saw the second plane hit the WTC. Something huge and scary was happening.

Within the hour the true extent would be known. Airspace was closed throughout North America. Planes landed at the nearest airport. Eastern Canada took the majority of the planes. Here in Winnipeg 15 planes were diverted. People were calling into the airport and the media asking how they could help. The stories about the people of Gander have been well documented. Reading the stories over and over again bring tears to my eyes. The outpouring of love and support cannot be measured it was experienced and is lasting.

The kindness of strangers was evident that day. First responders unselfishly risking their lives and losing their lives. The heroic acts of bravery of every day citizens like the passengers on United 93 fighting back to prevent further tragedy. The tale of the Man with the Red Bandana Welles Crowther an equity trader and volunteer firefighter who saved 18 life’s inside the towers before losing his own life.

The kindness of strangers is everywhere. I heard a story today about 2 high school students in Memphis who witnessed a fellow student who was being bullied for wearing the same clothes every day. They took it upon themselves to gather up new and used clothing and present it to this student so he would not be subjected to further bullying.

The picture represents a contrast between one of the worst days in my lifetime and one the happiest weeks  of my life. A Carnival Caribbean cruise with my sweetheart. It was her first cruise. Watching her experience it and relive it brings great joy.

Life is full of great joy and great sadness. Extreme emotions and the kindness of strangers. Be kind at all times. Be supportive and be engaged in life.

Channel Your Inner Bianca

I have not had the energy or motivation to blog over the last month. However, I like most other Canadians jumped on the Bianca Andrescu bandwagon. And why not she is amazing talented mature beyond her years. The poise, determination fortitude to win the US open this past weekend. She beat the world’s best in Serena Williams. The superlatives to describe her victory are endless.

One of the things that marvelled me the most was how she channeled her emotions through meditation. I have never given mediation much thought. I thought it was hocus pocus. I also thought I didn’t have the patience or the imagination to meditate. Maybe I will give it a try. I was making excuses.

After weeks of feeling sorry for myself. Cancelling out on exciting opportunities and letting my depression get the better of me. I do not want to make excuses anymore.

August 31 was world Overdose and Awareness day and September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. I have been thinking about people who have died from overdose, addiction and suicide. Thankfully I have not overdosed nor been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I have had suicidal ideations including one severe ideation 19 years ago. I was on vacation and was having an extremely low time. I strongly thought about not coming home. Nobody would care if I didn’t return.

I am very happy that I reached out and called my father. There was no judgement, just a simple how can I help?  Four of the most important words one can ever say to another person.

So, tomorrow light a candle for all those who have died by suicide. It is not a sign of weakness. Be strong be brave be kind be supportive and be like Bianca. She is amazing and so are we.

International Left Handers Day

Today is mine and my sweeties day. We are both Left Handed or Southpaws and August 13 is our day. It is recognized international celebration.

In a previous generation, being left handed was considered an evil thing, the work of the devil. People would force you to be right handed. Physical violence was acceptable practice to beat it out of you.

In my family of origin I was the only one who is left handed. My aunt and her daughter are left handed. Genetics is a wonderful thing.

Many famous people throughout history are lefties such as Julius Caesar, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Renoir. Five of the last seven US Presidents and 7 in total. Jefferson  was the first. Industry pioneers like Henry Ford and Bill Gates. Two of my favourite artists Lady Gaga and David Bowie.  The list is endless. In fact 11% of the world’s population are left handed.

Creativity blooms stronger in southpaws. I am unique and proud of it. I am glad I am not of that different generation where being left handed was bad real bad.

Embrace it and make it part of your individual story and always be positive, supportive and kind.

July, Another Month on The Calendar.

The month of July has come and gone. A month where 2 great nations celebrate their birthdays. Canada and the United States. A month where amazing feats occurred like Apollo 11 mission to the moon where Neil Armstrong said his famous words “ One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind”. The air conditioner was invented in 1902, World War 1 started in 1914. Disneyland in Anaheim opened in 1955 just to name a few.

It is also a month where 7 US Presidents died and 2 Canadian Prime Ministers died. Three of the first five Presidents died on July 4rth (John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe). President Garfield was shot and died 3 months later. Here in Canada Louis St Laurent and William Lyon McKenzie King died.

For me personally I suffered great loss with family members and a best friend die. They all died on Fridays. For several years, I became fearful of Friday’s asking myself “who’s  next”. I was on eggshells the whole month. I was paralyzed.

July has a lot to offer with great weather, sports, festivals. I didn’t feel like engaging in any of it. I just wanted to cocoon myself and wait out the 31 days and hope they went by fast. As a result I missed a lot and wasted many opportunities. Doors opened and closed.

Thirty years ago my 19 year old cousin died by suicide. I had only met her a couple of times, yet felt a connection. I couldn’t understand why a bright talented attractive young lady would make the ultimate decision. For years, I would cringe when I heard the name Alison or look away when I saw a movie or TV show which depicted the method she used. Five years later her father died and some answers started to emerge and some remained unanswered.

In 2005 my father died and my best friend was diagnosed with cancer and would bravely fight for another 3 years. I remembered getting the phone calls each one early on a Friday morning.  By the time Mike died in 2008, when I got the call I knew right away.  My Friday’s in July spiralled downward for several years.

Several years later, I met the love of my life my soulmate my best friend and you guessed it our first date was on a Friday in July. Somehow I summoned enough confidence to ask her out and my life changed. I became less paranoid and paralyzed by the events of July and instead of focusing on the negative of their passing I started seeing the positive and celebrating their lives well lived

Life continues to be a journey filled with peaks and valleys. I have discovered the beauty of July.
Every month has its moments. If you are looking for the bad you will find it, if looking for the good you will find it. The choice is ours.

Honor, Respect, Remember

I attended a Celebration of Life earlier this week. It was small and intimate and authentic. So often we are afraid to say it like it is. Yet here in a setting which we came together to Honor, Respect and Remember that’s what happened. The first words out of the daughter were we had a complicated relationship and sometimes you were a bitch.

Raw, real and authentic. We got to know the mother warts and all. She led an extraordinary life 88 years, the good the bad and ugly and the journey in between. What a journey it was.

When I go, hopefully at least 30 years from now. I want people telling it like it is, that I did a lot of good for the world, that I could and was a real shit.

We do our best at all times, mistakes happen, we are all flawed, have warts and the best part is we have people to hold us accountable and that all actions have consequences. I want to be challenged, I want to be called on my bullshit. This a good thing.

Earlier in my life I was not called on my bullshit and thus thought I could get away with whatever I wanted. I was a real entitled shit. The sad part is I had nothing to feel entitled about. I know better now and so does my support network. You know who you are and I thank you.

I am glad I found a different way, with beautiful, supportive people who have shown that there is a different way. Life is lived between the dash 1964-

Enjoy, make the most of it and make a positive difference.