If you hit a wall while self isolating, does it make a sound...

A few short weeks ago very few of us had heard the following adages: flattening the curve, self isolate, social and physical distancing. Now they have become welcome editions to our daily language.

If we follow the advice behind the words we will get through this phase much quicker. Scientists are saying that the earth is healing with less pollution, emissions etc. We need to keep doing our part to ease the pandemic.

After 2 weeks of physical and social distancing, I hit a wall today. My anxiety spiked.

I realized I am missing my daily supplement of sports live action. All types. Whether I watch, read, scroll or listen to scores, games reports. It was a daily fix for me.  Several times a week I would sports bet on various games. Winning occasionally, losing some. It kept me with proverbial skin in the game. At least twice a week I would go to an establishment for a drink and watch games and do crossword puzzles. The only part I am still doing is crossword puzzles. One sport over the last couple of years taken a serious interest in is curling. No surprise Shelley is the Uber curling fan. I now have favourite curlers who I cheer for like my favourite teams. I was so looking forward to Liverpool’s first premier league title in 30 years. I was looking forward to March Madness, a year where the champion was a smaller school from a lesser known conference. My favourites were Gonzaga, Dayton and San Diego St. It was going to be the year of the Bucks in the NBA and a redemption in NHL with Tampa Bay winning.

It has not been since I broke my ankle in 2015 that I have spent so much time at home. Don’t get me wrong I love our place and I love Shelley and I spending time here. Thank God for NetFlix and shandies (seven up and red wine). Cabin fever has set in.

I also am missing volunteering. Had 3 events cancelled and more in April and May cancelled. My mental health is beginning to wane. My anxiety has spiked and my mood is low. Unfortunately one of my triggers for this is the Orange Menace who can’t seem to or doesn’t want to listen to anyone except his own opinions. Everything he says is a lie, his actions are inactions. It is frustrating depressing and sickening watching him. I try to avoid him. It is an impossible task.

What gives me hope is the kindness of strangers going the extra mile to help others. We can do our part. We have to physically and social distance and flatten the curve. Companies repurposing themselves to help out. Distillers/Breweries making hand sanitizer, Bauer hockey making surgical masks, Canada Goose making hospital scrubs to name a few. Everybody working hard to do their part. #BeKindToOthers

Really...The Dawn Of A New Era

On Friday I drove to work a drive that usually takes 20-30 min took 15-17 min. The streets are so bare it seemed like something out of the Apocalypse. I work in healthcare and deemed essential.

Usually my social calendar would be full and would be lucky to have 1 night off a week where I can stay home. Now I am staying home and not even thinking of going out. Social distancing at its finest.

We have been enjoying Netflix with wine shandies. We went to the local supermarket on Friday as well. Everyone was practicing social distancing. Every second cashier was closed. Customers were creating separation amongst themselves.  Once again the toilet paper, Lysol wipes were sold out and the bread aisle was sold out. I don’t get it, hoarding needs to stop. Stores are opening up earlier to allow the vulnerable and elderly to shop for essentials. Good for them. However, hoarding is still going on with people who can shop later shopping during this time. Shame on you.

We are in unprecedented times everyone show compassion and kindness. Yes there are great examples. A husband and wife went out for dinner at a restaurant in Houston the meal cost $90 they left a $9000 tip for all the staff working there. A landlord in Wisconsin advised his tenants that they only need to pay $100 for rent in April. People offering to run errands for those less fortunate. Be kind at all times.

I emailed my property owner and ask for a $100 discount on rent for next month. I was rebuked swiftly and promptly.  So much for them doing their part.

Right now I am felling healthy physically and mentally. This could change. In order to maintain our health the easiest way is to be kind, be supportive and check in with one another. We will get through this. It will take time. In the meantime everyday go outside at 7pm and applaud all the wonderful people in health care, maintenance, cleaning, truck drivers and emergency personnel organizations

#BeKindToEachOther

I Don’t Get It and Yet I Do

I consider myself a fairly smart man, socially aware and responsible, although sometimes my partner  might disagree. I sincerely don’t get the rush to horde toilet paper. This COVID-19 is a respiratory virus and yes self isolating and social distancing are real aspects of today’s reality.

However, toilet paper being hoarded really. It was comforting to see resale websites such as  Kijiji and Amazon have stop posting people trying to make an obscene profit off toilet paper. In our house we are good for about 2 weeks of regular use. The world might be an entirely different place in 2 weeks.

On Tuesday September 11, 2001 the World changed due to 911. We adapted and adjusted and life continued. On Wednesday March 11, 2020 the World changed again. Sports came to an abrupt end, travel plans were abruptly altered, mass gatherings of over 250 people have been cancelled or postponed. New words quickly entered our vocabulary and society. Self-isolating and social distancing became the buzz words.  Hoarding of supplies became common practice.

This past weekend gone out a couple of time's as my partner says “to run errands”.  Regularly it would be to buy sports betting tickets, well so much for that. This time for other errands, the roads are bare, McDonald’s drive thru I was the only one. Thank you Netflix for helping pass the time.

The work week will come quickly enough and we will see what it brings. Everything is fluid and active now. Remaining positive will be tough yet essential. Maintaining a sense of normalcy whatever that looks like is important. Being aware and responsible is key. I am going to everything I can to stay active, positive, kind and supportive and healthy. Life will carry on. It may get worse before it gets better. Life will carry on.

It Was A Struggle...I Did It

Starting the new year I set a goal for m6self of showering 2 times a week. For the month of a January I accomplished this task, however, it was not easy.  Each time I showered I wrote the date on the calendar it felt good to achieve this goal. Especially since a January was a tough month mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

February came and I thought this would be easy. The third day in I showered felt good empowered and emboldened. Well then reality set in. Over a week went by before another shower. I failed myself, felt crappy, beat myself up. I showered just to prove I could. It was not therapeutic and over after about a few minutes. Shortest time I can recall. I felt even worse. Another few days I tried again got into the tub and couldn't turn on the tap. I froze, I wanted to scream and cry. I felt ashamed.

The next day I was desperate for a shave and shower. I shaved, washed my hair in the kitchen sink and hand washed myself. The next several weeks every few days this was my routine.

It is now March 11, I finally did it. I showered.i prepared myself all day. No fear, no anxiety. The water felt relieving as it flowed over my body.  I stood under the nozzle and soaked it all in. Felt alive and refreshed.

I fully understand that my feeling may be fleeting and short lived.

I have read many articles and talked to many professionals and friends. For people with mental health issues the simple task of showering can be the hardest to do. It is hard to explain, it just is.

Tomorrow hopefully will be a good day.

Trying to Learn How to Fight or Flight

In a recent episode of Law & Order SVU, Captain Benson says to a suspect “ When Your House Burns Down; You Have A Clear View Of The Sky”. What this means to me is that when traumatic events happen, there is a ray of sunshine to help ease the pain and lead to recovery.

Everyone experiences some form of trauma in their lives. I took a course through work called Trauma  Informed Care. It was intended to allow us to recognize trauma in ourselves and those we interact with and how we can offer support. Tonier Cain has became an expert in this field, her life was full of trauma and she preserved and survived and inspires others. She is a mother, wife, filmmaker, recovering addict. Her story can be found at www.toniercain.com

One thing I am prone to do is freeze in situations both big and small. It happens at least several times a week. It has happened while driving, most recently driving on the highway with blowing snow and little or zero visibility. I slowed down to a stop and the next thing I know a blast of semi behind jolted me back to reality. It took a couple minutes to get my breathe back on the side of the road. I couldn’t continue driving. Shelley had to take over. Once I was in the passenger seat I began to calm down and regain control. Positive self talk helped and prayer helped.

When Shelley and I argue she can say anything and I freeze and she ends up winning the argument because I concede through non response Other times when caller ID shows up on my phone, I freeze and have angst. Or when talking to someone and they say something unexpected, I freeze before responding.

What is the root cause? As stated before I grew up fearing everything and made to feel vulnerable so I could be saved by my overprotective family. Believe me I want to overcome this situation. Shelley, my supportive network, counselling and understanding my mental health have set me on the right course to overcome.

Maybe all I need is to have more clear views of the sky for greater perspective on life.

Empowerment Through Empathy

Empowerment through empathy is attributed to Tarana Burke who in 2006 is credited with starting the #MeTooMovement. She is a civil rights activist who creates awareness about sexual abuse and inequality in our society.

Up until a couple of years ago the term Me Too was not well established until Alyssa Milano came out with her story of sexual assault and ask others to come forward and share. Unfortunately, many people of all walks of life came forward to share their stories. Their stories brought down some of the most powerful people in society. One of the common themes of all the people brought down was the presence of white male privilege and their sense of entitlement.

Speaking as a white male who has known and experienced the white male privilege, I can tell you that it is easy to be caught up in it on both sides. That male bravado kicks in. Watching a sporting event with a group of people and adult beverages is one example.

 My sweetie and I like to play poker.   Poker tables can be the last bastion of white privilege, especially for a female. Most male players don’t believe women a) know how to play poker and b) if they win they are lucky and c) talk about the female players as (she did this or why did she play that hand). The other day we were playing in a tournament and the TV was showing a women Curling game. One of the male players asked that the TV be turned to a station that showed a real sport and likened the sport of curling to gay wrestlers. Another player lost a big hand and blamed the loss on the fact he had a female dealer. Ugh.

I have been on the other side of the white privilege. I grew up as a shy introvert with glasses and an acne problem who feared everything. I was small for my size and didn’t help that I was a year younger than most of my grade class. I had trouble fitting in. I didn’t have a lot of friends and had an overprotective mother and older brothers. They made me vulnerable and needy of their protection.

One time when I was a teenager I was playing pick up hockey, proud of wearing my Darryl Sittler jersey (yes I was a Toronto Maple Leaf fan), I stole the puck from one of my brother’s friends on several occasions and he threw my stick over the boards. I went home and told my brother and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I can understand and am empathetic to anyone who has been the victim of white privilege. White privilege is about power, control and insecurity. The male bravado, machismo where we cannot show our emotions. We need to suck it up, be a man. This is all bullshit. It is not a sign of strength but a sign of weakness.

It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to show our emotions and it is okay to accept responsibility for our actions. If we did this and do this society would be a better place and a healthier place both mentally and physically. #BeKind

Trying to Make Friends With My Fears

February 17 was yesterday, first day of vacation, however, it felt anything but a vacation day.  I awoke early 7ish with a strong urge to run into the bathroom, to throw up. That became the trend for the morning either throwing up or dry heaving.

The worst possible noise and feeling. My body seemed to take on a life of its own. When I was kneeling over the toilet I was sweaty and clammy, my legs were tingling and moving in all different directions. My stomach was convulsing.

My mind went to dark places. Doom and gloom took over, my body ached as I moved to wait for the next wave to come. Little sips of water was all I could handle.

The next wave came 30 minutes later afterwards I felt faint, almost collapsing before I got back to my chair. What was happening, was it food poisoning, flu or something more sinister happening internally.

Yeah I can’t help it, even as hard as I try to prevent myself the fears creep in. It is ingrained and so easy to go there. They are so easy to go there and stay there and lead to depression. I have to work hard to work my way out. With positive self talk and help from my support network led by my sweetie. Sometimes the fearful way is short lived and other times could be hours or days. Thankfully it was only less than an hour.

My stomach slowly settled and I took 2 Tylenol and slept. Awaking 3 hours later felt much better. Was supposed to go out last night, wasn’t going anywhere.

Fears can be irrational at best, yet I continue to allow them to take over my body and mind. I am learning to make friends with my fears some more so than others. Some I still have to learn to control. Thankfully only a mild case of the flu passed through my body. Today is a better day, only slight headache and raspy throat.

Fears are tied to anxiety. They both can act as a way to protect us from something or someone dangerous. They can both act as storage spaces for wisdom and knowledge. We can allow our fears and anxiety in and then we can also allow them to leave before they come deep rooted and fester and chronic.