Life Affirming Event

I came home from work and I barely get in the door and there is Shelley in tears an emotional wreck. I am thinking who died and she motions me to sit down beside her. I can’t do that I have her stand up and we hug and embrace for a couple of minutes, tears streaming down her face.

Then she shows me her phone and I start reading the texts from her daughter and I quickly realize these are tears of joy and happiness. I look at the texts and I look at Shelley and the tears are still flowing. Now a puddle of tears are forming on the floor. We hug and embrace and jointly say are grandson is growing up. Four years old and no longer a baby instead a full blown toddler.

You see he has been accepted into pre-school and starts 2 days a week next a Tuesday and Kindergarten in September. We are so happy. So excited, a rite of passage, a life affirming experience.

All the time I am thinking this is Shelley’s reaction on the news, what will happen on his first day of pre-school? We go out and have dinner (patio style of course). Boston Pizza the same place our first date occurred almost 10 years ago next month. We had the same 2 appetizers we had that same night.

We spend the whole time talking about Ollie and how much we love him and how he is going to be. Shelley is a great mother. It has not been without challenges. Shelley is a fantastic grandmother. Ollie is the best boy and yes we are slightly biased. I still have trouble believing I am a grandfather. The first time I met Ollie Oct 2016 I was scared to hold him for fear I would drop him. Flash forward 6 months later he crawls up on my chest and falls asleep, changing his diaper for the first time and he pees on me. His little hand tapping me on my arm wanting me to pick him up for a cuddle. Pure joy and I was hooked unconditional love.

Now he is off to pre-school in a few months and Shelley and I will be there for every step of the adventure. Love you Ollie.

Feeling Distraught Part 2

I am not distraught, I am outraged. Outraged not at the protests. I am outraged that people especially a small percentage of white people feel so much hatred towards people of colour. That there are people who run around provoking violence, incite riots and cause mayhem just because they feel they are entitled to do so. I am outraged that some leaders stoke and inflame this mentality and that there voices seemed to be louder than the voices of reasons.

It absolute disgusts me that the so called leader of the free world the orange menace dumpster fire is the one stoking the fires by lauding whites who protest a lockdown by storming the capitol buildings armed to the nines and call out current protests of the senseless death of George Floyd by a white racist cop saying they are losers, thugs and low lifes.

The hypocrisy of it all sickens me. The protests have been peaceful with whites, blacks all colours and all ethnicities standing together. Many people of law enforcement standing with them peacefully.

Yes there has been violence mostly by interlopers invading and rioting just to make trouble. They are professionals at doing this.

There have been countless situations over the last number of years and the outrage has been building. Enough is enough. We have to stand together brother to brother, sister to sister regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, skin colour and sexual orientation.

Friday June 5 will be a peaceful protest in our city. My wife and I are going to support our brothers and sisters peacefully and proactively. We will become stronger. Our hearts, minds and voices are wide open and ready. See you there.
#Justice4BlackLives

Feeling Distraught Part 1

This week has been extremely tough. I am feeling angry, frustrated, heartbroken, distraught  and incredibly sad about the events unfolding around me. I am also not sure what I am really thinking I see the images of people taking to the streets for what is a peaceful protest which turns violent. I feel numb. From my bubble I feel emboldened to do something. Enough is enough.

In my home city of Winnipeg we are not immune either. This past week a man was stabbed to death on a city bus. An unprovoked attack. A naked man stealing an ambulance and crashing it into a building. A taxi cab driver was brutally and brazenly murdered. We are on pace for another record of homicides.

In Minneapolis, the death of  George Floyd has sparked protests and violence throughout the city and around the country.  The good people of Minnesota don’t need this. I consider their state more Canadian than American, it is the logical stopping off point and first entry point. I know many great people from Minneapolis who are heartbroken by the events of this past week. Tons of unanswered questions. Why did it need 4 officers to converge on George? Why was unnecessary force needed by a police officer who has a longer sheet of violence than many career criminals? Why was he still on the force?  Why when he was finally charged only 3rd degree manslaughter? Seems like a slap on the wrist more than a serious charge.

You have the dumpster fire orange menace occupying the Oval Office calling the protesters thugs and yet when white people armed to the hilt converged on the capital of Michigan he called them good people.

I am sickened by the hypocrisy of it all. This comes on the heels of Ahmed Aubrey out for a run hunted down and lynched by a father and son. This happened in February and it took to May for charges to be brought and a video to surface. Yet the young lady who captured what happened to George Floyd on her phone was harassed, vilified and bullied the next day. Why is Colin Kapernick blacklisted and vilified for standing up for his beliefs. Yet if he was white he would be hailed as a hero for standing up for his beliefs.

Yes I am white as a result have had some white privilege and entitlement. I do not know what it is like to be unfairly treated strictly based on colour, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity. I do not know what is like to feel marginalized or mistreated.

I grew up in a bubble of fear and vulnerability and being aware of the boogeyman and dangers that lurk in society. Yeah and for 45 years what did that get me. I was fearful of relationships, I pursued a love of material things which created a mountain of debt which I am crawling out of.

This week would have been pride week in Winnipeg. A great celebration. I was going to walk in the pride parade for the very first time. Years ago when I was single and had a multiple of failed relationships I wanted to learn about the female gender so what did I do. I watched Sex and the City and read Cosmopolitan magazine. I became well educated in what makes women tick and yes they are the smarter gender by far. I talked to members of the LGBT community, I took Aboriginal Cultural Awareness classes, I read about social, racial and ethnic injustice and became culturally aware of the differences.

I am outraged and don’t want to sit idle by and do nothing. I want to do something but don’t know what or where to start. I am outraged that this pattern has repeated itself and we all state we will do something and yet it is still happening. I am angry that we look to the wrong people for leadership. Politicians are only concerned about getting elected and then re-elected. For culture to change we the grassroots need to take a stand and create action.

I met a wonderful lady who opened my eyes and showed me how to be less fearful, More aware and compassionate and empathetic. I understand unconditional love and practice it. I engage with as many people as I can, say hi to everyone. I am open and have embraced my depression and anxiety. I am still a work in progress and want to be part of the solution. We can do this. We are resilient and we know better. We are all imperfect perfect people deeply flawed trying to make sense of our injust world and doing our best.

Since I deal with depression and anxiety I am very aware of my vulnerability. Going through this pandemic has been frightful. Not doing my sports and volunteering. I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole and have fought back to remain positive. This week has hit me like a big punch in the gut and I am struggling not to bottom out.

In the word’s of Rodney King “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along”

Musings From My Bubble

Here we are Memorial Day weekend south of the border and Victoria Day weekend last week. For many this the unofficial starts of summer in our respective countries. States and a Provinces have reopened. Here in Manitoba for the better other places in Canada and especially south of the border for the worse.

Every day we continue to do our part with social and physical distancing, staying at home and masking when we go out. Walking and exploring parts of our city have been beneficial for our mental and physical health.

As businesses reopen we are starting to see the toll this pandemic is taking. Some are not able to recover, some are realizing that they can operate with a smaller work force.

We are not out of the woods with this pandemic. We still need to do our part. Everyone seems to have a theory on What course of action is best with this. Some countries have done very well (New Zealand, Mongolia, Vietnam) other countries not so well (United States, Brazil, Russia). Maybe Sweden had the right approach maybe they didn’t. One thing I can tell you it doesn’t serve any purpose to blame China. Most world leaders knew about COVID-19 in December/early January.

The blame game doesn’t serve any purpose either does anti lockdown/vaccination protests. The only purpose it serves is to ratchet up our anxiety levels. The other thing that increases the anxiety is seeing images of people not social distancing on beaches, parks etc. Pictures below Trinity Bellwood Park and Ocean City Boardwalk Maryland

Some days I am barely holding it together dealing with my own bubble. Now having to contend with other people’s ignorance, white privilege because their civil liberties have been violated and inconvenienced. Well too bad. The choice is simple. Be kind, be safe, stay healthy.

I Am Still Here

Twenty years ago today, I almost left this earth by my own hand.  It was Easter weekend, I was on vacation in and around Las Vegas. I was by myself and no I didn’t blow all my money on the slots or at the roulette table.

I was feeling very low and despondent and not enjoying myself. I was walking around in a stupor. I thought here I am in the middle of nowhere far from home, no one would ever care if I came home.

I had a plan and prepared myself to carry it out. I went to go watch a movie American Psycho. Good movie however, probably not the best choice given how I was feeling at the time. After the movie, I went back to the hotel and closed the curtains turn off the lights had a towel in my hand that I clenching and wringing furiously. The TV was on and I could hear CNN and they were showing live coverage of a reunion between a little boy and his father.

I reached out to my father. I picked up the phone to dial, it rang and rang and then my Dad answered in his booming voice. As soon as I spoke he knew something was wrong and asked how can I help, what do you need.  I told him and he helped save the remaining days of my vacation. I thanked him and for the last 5 years of his life we had an extremely close bond. We would have lunches regularly. We would watch sporting events in particular soccer games together. I loved my father and miss him every day.

The other person who I owe my life to is that little boy being reunited with his father. That little boy Elian Gonzalez is a courageous boy now young man who is happily married and living in Cuba. However, back in 2000, he was an unwitting pawn in a diplomatic game that ended up in the US Supreme Court.

The last 20 years have been an incredible journey of life, learning and opportunities some that I took others passed me by.  Especially the last 10 years. See I found my soulmate, true unconditional love, doors were opened and I walked through them gaining confidence and a new outlook on life.

I have increased my passion for sports all sports added curling to the mix as favourite sports. During this time of global pandemic, I am missing my sports, my daily fix, through games live and on tv, following scores, betting and reading about the games. I am very optimistic that when we do get back to playing sports athletes will no longer take the fans for granted. They will view fans in a different light. They have seen who the real stars are and we thank those stars everyday. They have kept us alive, and going through this crisis.

I have a wonderful partner, I am a grandparent a stepfather. I have a great circle of friendships. I have many varied interests and volunteer opportunities. One of my volunteer opportunities is sharing my mental health journey with middle and high school students. Last year, after speaking to a class one of students wrote a comment that said I am so glad you didn’t end your life because you wouldn’t be here to share your story of hope and inspiration.

Life is a journey not a destination and even though once I wanted to end it. I know now that I still have a lot of life left in me. I want to grow old with my sweetie by my side. Love you Shelley. I want to see my stepchildren(love you Gerry and Kelsey) be the best they can be and I want to be there for my grandson(Oliver Ollie) at all the best moments of his life.

Life is full of ups and downs, good and bad, positive and negative. Take it all in. I learn from my mistakes and rejoice in my success. Be kind at all times. I am still here and hopefully will be for many more years to come.

Feeling Vulnerable

I am feeling vulnerable and have been since the world stopped in mid March. Feeling vulnerable after a friend of mine contracted and recovered from COVID. Feeling vulnerable upon hearing an acquaintance of mine was one of the deaths from COVID. Feeling vulnerable every time I have a cough, sneeze or fever that I am going to contract COVID.

My anxiety and depression some days are through the roof. I reach out to 3 friends everyday to see how they are doing. I am doing my best a physical distancing. I wear a mask when entering a store to go grocery shopping. I am missing my sports, my volunteer opportunities. I miss going to the bar for drinks, catching a game. I miss dealing and playing poker. I have trouble sleeping.

I am feeling vulnerable that the things I like most may never return. This vulnerability caused me to reach out to my counsellor and my Nurse Practitioner seeking remedies and solutions. Their advice and suggestions were much appreciated.

I am blessed to have a roof over my head and food on the table. I am blessed to have an awesome partner in my life. I am blessed to have a grandson and stepdaughter to talk to a couple of times a week. It is great to hear that little boy’s voice.  Shelley last night reminded me of last year when he stayed with us. We were both tired and went to bed early. Ollie comes and gets his blocks and plays quietly on the bed until he falls asleep. I love him so much and can’t wait to see him and hug him. Hopefully soon.

I am feeling vulnerable as we think and support the great people of Nova Scotia who are reeling in the aftermath of the terrible mass shooting (the worst in Canadian History). The perpetrator was a man in his early 50’s who was a professional and business owner. Seemed like me, that is what I am feeling vulnerable about. We will probably never know the reasons.

I am feeling vulnerable seeing images of Caucasian males and females armed to the hilt protesting on the steps of capital buildings and the orange menace dumpster fire egging them on. I hope we are more even keeled that this type of protest will not happen here. Then again I didn’t expect a mass shooting in Canada either.

Even though I am feeling vulnerable, I am also feeling optimistic, encouraged by the fact that most of us are doing our part to flatten the curve. I am feeling optimistic that some countries have flattened the curve. New Zealand I am looking at you for being the example of how it can be done. No surprise they are lead by an extraordinary leader Jacinda Arden.

I am feeling optimistic that some of the physical distancing measures put in place are here to stay and they are long overdo.

Stay at home, stay healthy, stay safe, be kind, be supportive. We will get through this and be better, stronger and more humane.

Did The Easter Bunny Come?

Happy Easter everyone. How are we dealing with staying home, staying safe? I admit I am enjoying and hating this at the same time. I am still working. I spend my evenings and weekends at home watching Netflix, reading, doing crosswords, drinking shandies and spending time with my sweetie.

My mind wanders and when it does my anxiety kick in.  Whenever I sneeze or cough, I think am I getting sick. I don’t have a fever so I am fine.

I have a friend who developed COVID and he has since recovered. He returned in mid March from an epic driving adventure with his family. I have known him for about 25 years, however, our friendship only developed over the last five years. It is a very strong bond.

My friends are small in quantity and huge in quality. I cherish my interaction with each and everyone of them. They are the type of friends who if you call at 3:00 am they ask how can I help you not why are you calling. The support, love and respect we have for each other is special. Now more than ever it is important to check in and maintain contact. When this is all over the things settle down to the normal the new normal we will celebrate and revel in each other’s company. I will wait and cherish these moments.

The new normal will be limited number of people in shops and stores. Limited number of people in restaurants and theatres. Sporting events will return under physical distancing protocols. We will forever be indebted to our front line workers who kept life churning and saving lives.

What we considered important or who we considered important is changing. The last to change will be the people who thought they were the most important. They are the least likely to adapt to the new normal. Waiting in line to enter a store will be considered beneath them.

I think of when this is over and how the world is changing. I think of how practising good MentalHealth will have gotten me through this. The three things I am missing our giving my grandson and stepdaughter a huge hug not wanting to let go. I am missing my daily ordeal of sports all aspects and I am missing hands on volunteering with my many organizations.

I am longing for the end of this, hopefully by September. Stay Strong, stay healthy, stay home, stay positive and be kind always.