My Bright Light

 I have made several attempts over the last couple of weeks to blog. I come home from work and have good intentions. The next minute spending the evening on Netflix, watching old CSI or Law and Order reruns. Or worse my ultimate guilty pleasure binge watching Forensic Files. 

The next day comes around and I say today is the day. And still nothing. Some days I feel guilty that my career in healthcare has been deemed essential when so many other people have lost their jobs or had their hours drastically reduced.

I feel perpetually depressed. After a few hours of watching TV or playing slotomania, high five or poker on line I attempt sleep. My anxiety kicks in and my mind races all over the place and sleep eludes me for several hours.

This year feels like Groundhog Day. The same scenario’s play out and yet no progress is made. What is the definition of insanity “Doing the same thing over and expecting different results”. That is how I feel about the year 2020. It is boring and monotonous yet essential. 

I feel like Peter Finch in the 70’s movie Network, where he goes to an open window and yells “I am mad as hell and not going to take it anymore”. The hardest part is trying to accomplish the simplest of tasks. Dishes pile up in the sink for days on end. It is usually 10-14 between laundry. Even bathing/showering is hard. 

I was feeling very low yesterday until we got a picture of our grandson which brought a tear to my eye. Over the last couple of years and outside of my wife he has been the biggest influence in my life. 

This year has sucked. It has taken a huge toll on my life. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. A couple of times although briefly I wanted to check out. 

I know that times will get better. I know that I will have my grandson    in my life at all times. When I feel lowest, I think of you.  His bright light shines in me at all times  I can’t wait to see him and give him a big hug. Love you little man 

My Father and Diego Maradona

 This past week the world lost a legend a GOAT in many people’s eyes. In my opinion Diego Maradona was the second greatest football (soccer) player ever only behind Pele. He died at the young age of 60. People lined up for 20 blocks to view him lying in state at the Presidential Palace in Buenos Aires Argentina. 

He grew up poor and was spotted at a young age which led to him playing with Boca Juniors one of the famous clubs in Argentine. He rose quickly through the ranks and eventually played for the National Team and playing in 4 World Cups  1982, 1986, 1990 & 1994.

The 1986 tournament held in Mexico which Argentina won became immortalized for his controversial goal against England in the quarterfinals. The Hand Of God where he deliberately handed the ball claiming it was headed in. It wouldn’t be till 25 years later that he later admitted what really happened. Argentina went on to win their 2nd World Cup  

This was first time my father was intertwined with Maradona. My father was President of the Canadian Soccer Association from 1986-1991. It was also the World Cup where Canada qualified for their one and only time. Canada went winless and goalless, however, acquitted themselves well in 3 close losses to France, Hungary and Russia respectively. 

In 1990 the World Cup was in Italy and my father represented Canada at the FIFA Congress during the tournament. Argentina defending champions lost their opening match and did not lose until the final against West Germany 1-0 on a late penalty. 

At the 1994 World Cup hosted by the United States, my father served as Chair of the FIFA Appeals Committee which was located in Dallas. This was when he became face to face with Diego Maradona. Maradona tested positive after their second game against Nigeria for Ephedrine and his punishment was banishment from the tournament. As Appeals Chair, my father heard the appeal and upheld the decision ousting Maradona from the tournament. 

I sure hope they have reunited and are swapping stories about their lifetime commitment to the beautiful game. They are both 2 of the game’s greatest ambassadors. My father fought for the Women’s game to be on equal footing with the men’s game. Originally, they wanted the women to play with a smaller ball, shorter field and other differences. My father fought for the Women’s Game eventually winning over the soccer superpowers and Canada was looked upon more favourable on the World Soccer Level. 

Who would of thought an Austrian Jew who had his formative school years playing soccer in rural England immigrating to Canada and on a whim when the ref didn’t show up for my brother’s soccer grab his whistle from the car and proceeded to ref the game. Soon after his phone didn’t stop ringing wanting him to get involved which led him to the World stage as an administrator. Diego Maradona grew up poor in the suburbs of Buenos Aires was given a soccer ball at the age of three. By the age of 12 he was displaying mastery with the ball which led him to the world stage and world champion. The Golden Boy. Rest In Power. 

Journey of a Lifetime

 Today is November 11. Remembrance Day in Canada Veterans Day in the States. 75 years ago World War 2 ended and 102 years ago World War 1 ended.  

My father was born an Austrian Jew in Vienna. By the time he was 4 his mother had died and his father was struggling to support and make it on his own supporting a young son. My father was sent to Prague to live with his maternal grandparents. In 1939 with the Germans preparing to roll into Prague, my father was given safe passage at the age of 9 from Vienna to London. This was courtesy of the British Red Cross and a women who would later be his stepmother.  He was part of the Kindertransport. 

He said goodbye to his grandparents clutching a little suitcase in one hand and a stuffed teddy bear in the other as he boarded a train. His grandparents were rounded up by the Germans and perished in an internment camp.

He had to change trains in Germany one to safety the other not,  and then to the port city of Ostend in Belgium to board a ferry for England. The ferry captain didn’t want him to board the ferry even though he had the right documentation.  For fear he would be ward of the state. The fellow ferry passengers vouched for him and he boarded bound for London where he would meet up with his father and stepmother. The irony is that a day earlier his father was on the same ferry. 

My father grew up in rural England was an honours student at Alford school where he excelled at cricket and soccer. He did his stint in the military as a cook at an RAF base. He went on to Oxford and London School of Economics. After college he got a job while completing his doctorate with the British Foreign Service translating captured German war documents. 

He became a history professor teaching at Universities in Australia, England, United States and finally Canada. His area of expertise the era between the two World Wars. He was living history. The experience at age 9 shaped him throughout his life. He learnt how to fend and survive for himself at that early age. I remember auditing one of his history lectures and the students were riveted to his every word. 

In 1999 a reunion for all of Kindertransport children was held in London. My father was reluctant to attend and had to be coaxed into going. The events of this reunion would shape the last few years of my father’s life. He became more in touch with his Jewish heritage. He gave talks throughout the country on anti-semetism. On several occasions he invited me to attend. It was an evening well spent. 

September 11, 2001 was a heavy day for all. He was lecturing and ended up giving his class a lesson about Al-Quida and Bin Laden. That evening I went for a walk and ended up at his place where we talked for hours about the events of the day. The who, what and why. 

On November 16 would be his 91rst birthday. I miss my father every day and knowing he is one of my guardian angels shining down on me. Every year on his birthday and the day he died. I have a glass of single malt and toast him. He loved his scotch. Every November 11 I remember his journey of a lifetime.

I love and miss you Dad. 

Feeling Despondent Yet Hopefully.

 Feeling very low. My depression and anxiety have reach their maximum level. I am so mad right now at our Province and the citizens there of. On September 10 we had 360 cases and 3 people in ICU. On November 10th we have 5390 cases and 30 people in ICU. 

Manitoba we have lost our way. We have become tone deaf to the pandemic in the rush to restart reenergize the economy. Now we have become code red and for how long is anyone’s guess right now. No social distancing. No gyms, rec centres, sporting activities (not that it mattered to me). Only essential businesses open. Line ups at the Liquor stores stretch for blocks. 

Yet schools and daycares are open. Our senior population has become increasingly vulnerable. We have 35 Personal Care Homes in Winnipeg and 24 are reporting outbreaks. There have been multiple deaths at numerous care homes operated by a company for profit out of Ontario. 

I work in health care supervising health care aides in the community. We are working hard to service our clientele in a safe manner. What is a safe manner in this environment. It has been drilled into us not to come to work hen feeling sick. Whenever someone coughs or sneezes at work (yes into our sleeve) everyone goes into panic mode. 

When will it end? Everyone says wait until a vaccine. That will be the game changer. Not entirely masking and social distancing are here for quite awhile. Last weekend an anti mask rally was held in a shopping centre parking lot. Fifty people showed up, the police were at a distance. The attendees covered their license plates. Why? 

I am becoming increasingly despondent with where things are at. Can we find our way. Hopefully, or am I closer to my stepdaughter’s thinking that the apocalypse is close at hand. 

My wife and I have prided ourselves on not turning on each other. We have had our moments. In the end we continue to support and love each other. Our bubble is very secure. All we need is a big bag of popcorn, slurpees and Netflix. We can make the most out of anything. 

Be kind we are all in this together. We can do our part. Stay safe everyone and code red will be over in a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed  

Tone Deaf (US version)

 The pandemic has been raging throughout the world for about 9 months. Some countries are doing better than others like NewZealand, Finland, Iceland, Taiwan, South Korea. Then there is our neighbours to the south. The United States of America who pride themselves on being the greatest country in the world. And proceeds to tell us at every opportunity.

The pandemic has exposed the United States as nothing more than a third world at times. Racial reckoning, no middle class, people lining up for hours to vote. Having volunteers instead of paying staff to work on Election Day. I could go on, however, I think the point is made. There are rich states and poor states. Places you can go and mention the civil rights movement and people will go what civil rights movement. A country that cares more about the second amendment than ensuring that people have affordable let alone universal health care. 

Politicians more concerned with ramming through an unqualified judge who will be a Republican puppet on the Supreme Court than providing a stimulus package for average Americans so they can pay rent, put food on the table and pay for medications. I am looking at you Mitch McConnell, Lindsay Graham and the Dumpster Fire in the Oval Office. You are all tone deaf. You have been in denial for months and the Dumpster Fire for his whole term. More concerned with lining your own pockets than the concerns of real Americans.

The Dumpster Fire is at the top of the list. He is mean spirited among other things. He doesn’t care about the American people especially his base. He only cares about people with the same last name as him. The other day he said if Iowa doesn’t vote Republican he will never come there again. You would have never gone to Iowa if you were not President. He holds massive rallies with no social distancing or mask wearing and than says I get tested every day I am fine. Well buddy. Every time he speaks he lies and he does it to rile up his base who he doesn’t care about  as Joe Biden says “Come On Man”

His son in law Jared Kushner, no experience, no business training. A slum landlord who inherited from his family and married into an even more narcissistic family. Spouting off whatever comes your way because you thing everyone is beneath you and you are smarter than everyone and they will believe you blindly  

Kim Kardashian West took her family and friends to a private island for her 40th birthday. Flaunting your wealth  just because you can doesn’t mean you should. The whole family has made a fortune out of doing nothing. The first societal influencers. They have millions of followers trying to become influencers via social media.

Justin Turner LA Dodgers third baseman an arrogant self absorbed narcissist in every way. He tests positive for COVID  during the last baseball game of the year. He is ordered out of the game and told to isolate. Instead he returns to the field wearing a mask and celebrating his team’s championship and then takes his mask off and sits front and centre for team photo. Thank you for the super spreading the virus.

Everyone I have mentioned is tone deaf, white privileged narcissists who only care about themselves. It is true during times of great strife people show their true colours. Some rise to the occasion and some sadly display no logic, conscience in their actions. I am looking at you the COVID deniers, anti maskers, anti vaccines. No one is going to tell me what I can and cannot do where I have to wear a mask, 

The reality is the pandemic is with us well into next year. There is no going back to normal, there is a new normal with social distancing, mask wearing, following restrictions. Be kind to ourselves and others, respect ourselves and others. We are all in this together  

Come on People, We Can Do Better

 For the 10th day in a row the number of cases has been triple digits in Manitoba. COVID has spiked and appears to not be slowing down. We know what has to be done. It is as if we are paying lip service. Acknowledging what has to done and agreeing to it yet have no intention on following through. 

This is just like people I know who will say things to placate me yet have no intention of following through. Saying what they think I want to hear to get me to shut up. So annoying. Not to mention the gaslighting. Making it out to be my fault. This is a common theme of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).

 All my life I have been dealing with narcissism. People deliberately flaunting the rules, laws of public health is narcissism on a grand scale. In the past couple of days we have heard stories of people flaunting, gaslighting the rules. Examples, going to faith based meetings than going to Personal Care Home (PCH) causing an outbreak. A young adult who tested positive going to a house party with 50+ people. Another person symptomatic and going to work and spreading the disease. Unconsciously, soulless narcissists who only care about themselves. Flaunting their ability to show how important they are. 

We have COVID outbreaks in PCH’s Not surprising that they are all run by the same company. This is what happens when you sacrifice service for profits. We also look for direction to afar. However, south of the border this is what happens when you foolishly vote a known narcissist, misogynistic, bully, blowhard and racist who only cares about himself and anyone with his last name. Sorta of like other people I know. He gives a superspreader rally at an airport in sub zero temperatures causing the people who showed up to experience hypothermia. He continues to downplay every aspect of this pandemic. He has no plan other than continuing to line his own pockets and those of his immediate family. He doesn’t care about anyone else. 

If we have this mentality existing in today’s society we will be dealing with this pandemic for years. There is no going back to the way things were. We have to accept the new normal. The new normal is social distancing, wearing a mask and following the rules of the public health agencies. They have nothing to gain by misleading anyone. Our mental, physical and emotional health will be better for it. At least one doctor dies by suicide every day in the USA. This is not a statistic to be proud of  

I work in community public health and am deemed essential. Some days I force myself to go to work. Today was one of those days. I work hard everyday to maintain my physical health. I have underlying health conditions that put me at higher risk. With everything happening around us it is much harder to stay mentally and physically well. They are both so intrinsically entwined. The key to good mental health is good physical health and vice versa. We can all do better we are all in this together. 

My Anxiety Is...

 Over the last couple of months my anxiety has been and continues to be through the roof. My anxiety takes control over my body when I lay down to go to sleep. My anxiety races all over the place at a frenetic pace. It is like a bull in a china shop except the bull is inside me and the china shop are my emotions running amok. 

I have to get up and take sleeping medication to calm my body, my heart rate down so I can sleep. I am scared and full of fear. Some nights have been sleepless, some nights I awake at 3 or 4 and can’t go back to sleep. I don’t usually remember my dreams, now good or bad I am remembering my dreams and some are quiet vivid and intense. A couple of weeks ago i dreamt that I was stalking the Dumpster Fire. I felt nauseous and awoke in a cold sweat. Ugh.

My wife for years has been saying I am a bull in a china shop. I am loud, have a heavy foot (not the speeding kind), I walk loudly and I freeze at the worst possible time. Like feel immobile, can’t move. I have trouble processing information which leads to freezing which leads to withdrawing. I am afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Like digging a deeper hole to get myself out. Does it work No.

All it does is make me feel even worse about myself and makes me feel incapable. My anxiety spikes and runs amok internally. I do not want that bull to run amok. I do not want to live in fear of my anxiety. I want to embrace it and turn it around so that it can work in my favour. I know this will not happen all the time it will get the better of me, however, I want to be in the place where this is the exception rather than the rule. I don’t want the bull in the china shop. I want the playful puppy. 

I know I can do this because I overcame a fear of heights. The CN tower has a glass floor on their observation level 103 floors up. I would see children sitting on the glass floor looking down. Just the mere sight of the glass floor I would convulse and hug the walls. In 2016 my last trip up to this floor I stood on the glass floor and even looked down for a few seconds and I didn’t hug the walls. Progress. Small baby steps. 

It will not be easy yet I can do it with small baby steps. I want to stand up to that bull(y) and not live in fear. Just watch me.