Struggling to Smile

I am sharing with you my story that I share when I speak to high and middle school age classes. It is always extremely rewarding and I come away feeling empowered and very encouraged for the future generations. I wish they had the MILE 5 program when I was going through high school. The students ask informative and engaging questions. Enjoy and I welcome all feedback.

Good day, I stand before you today a 53 yr old middle aged man who has a great partner, good career in healthcare, wide circle of friends, interests and hobbies with a positive outlook on life.

However, for most of my life, it wasn’t always this way. I have been dealing with depression most of my life since my teenage years. I was undiagnosed until 6 years ago.

One beautiful fall afternoon my partner and I went for a walk along the Forks riverwalk. She abruptly came to a stop, looked at me straight in the eyes and said I think you have low grade depression.

Low grade depression, what is that, she explained it to me. When we got home I looked it up on the internet. The signs and symptoms were staring at me and it defined me exactly.

My eyes were wide open and the light bulb burned bright inside my brain. I started looking back at my life and believe that I first became depressed at age 15.

At this age, I was entering grade XI, my oldest brother had just gotten married and a week later my parents separated.

On the day my father left, we had lunch together, when we got home he told me to go to the basement and watch TV, while he went upstairs to pack a suitcase. The next thing I knew the door shut behind me. I called out and went and looked. No one was there. My dad left without saying goodbye.

It would be several months before I would see him again. I felt crushed, hurt, betrayed and started blaming and hating myself. My father didn’t make this part any easier, he sent letters to my mom, me and my brothers attempting to explain why he left. The letters came across as if we were to blame for his leaving. I proceeded not to tell anyone for months. I withdrew into a world of make believe. I would create stories about my life and my family that were easy to believe. Lying became the easiest thing to do.

I was not the smartest student in the class and my grades suffered. I would become disruptive in class when I would go, served a lot of detention. I started smoking cigarettes which eventually led to harder stuff such as hash oil and marijuana. One of my saving graces at this time was that cigarettes and drugs had no effect on me and tasted and smelled bad so this experiment didn’t last long.

I was escaping trying to be anyone but myself. I tried to take refuge in sports. I was a marginal soccer player and wanted to play basketball. Well I didn’t make the team; however, the coach liked my work ethic and asked me to be the team manager. I relished and embraced this opportunity it made me feel worthy.  

    

Months went by and I was hanging around the gym and coach asked me if I had class, no I said I had a spare. Several days went by and he saw me hanging out, he took me aside and said you don’t have a spare you have French class. Why are you not attending French class? I had been outed.

I came clean with coach and told him the French teacher doesn’t like me and favors the girls in the class. He intervened and brokered a deal for me with the teacher. I would not skip class, participate and do my best and then I would pass. I held up my end of the bargain and passed French class.

I confided in him about my family situation and he was very supportive and continues to be to this day whenever I see him.

Relationships were difficult; I didn’t have a lot of friends. I wore glasses and had an acne problem which made me very insecure and shy especially around girls. The girls I really liked were the ones with boyfriends, some reason I felt comfortable around them knowing that there was no way a relationship would develop.

For the rest of my high school time, I just went through the motions. I was unhappy and irritable, swore lots and would become angry at a moment’s notice. The only joy was basketball and in grade XII the last game I dressed and played a couple of minutes scoring a basket. My basketball stats read 1 game played 1 for 1 100% shooting 2 points.

After high school I went to university straight away, I had the opportunity to be the university men’s basketball team manager. This was a great experience. I spent 5 years and have a lifetime of experiences and lasting friendships.

A couple of moments stood out; in my first year we had a Christmas party at the coach’s house. The team gave me a present a shirt and tie combo. I came to be appreciative of this gift however, at the time I was resentful and said words that I wished I could take back as soon as they came out of my mouth. In the New Year I apologized and explained my situation to the team. Some of the damage lingered. Several months went by and I was hanging around with some of the team before practice. My teammates told me that I was trying to hard not to be myself and they didn’t like it. They wanted me to be me not someone else. You are a good person they told me. They said fake it to you make it.

Relationships on the home front had somewhat improved. I was communicating with my father. We found common ground in soccer, current events and history. My next oldest brother got married and moved away for school.

That left my mom and me under one roof. We coexisted however it was not easy. She became dependent on me and me on her. Looking back it was uncomfortable to the outside world, except I at the time didn’t see it that way. To some extent this was the same with my brothers who were both off married.

One of the people who saw this was my father, however, even though we had a better relationship since he left. I didn’t see it until later. One time while away with him we had a long talk about everything and I started to see my father in a different light. That maybe it wasn’t totally his fault for breaking up the family. We would meet regularly for lunches and visits and phone each other on a regular basis.

In the spring of 2000, I went on a trip to the USA. My friend bailed out at the last minute and I went by myself. The trip was a disaster and I was really feeling low. I had never contemplated suicide before; however, the thought crossed my mind several times during this trip. I thought here I am in the middle of nowhere. No one would care if I never returned. I walked around for hours and sat in the dark in my hotel room for most of the day.

What stopped me, the TV was on in the hotel room. CNN was showing live coverage of the reunion between a little boy and his father. I reached out to my father.

They say bad things happen in threes, well 2005-2006 proved that is the case. My father who I had become very close to dropped dead, 4 months later my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. I let myself go in grieve and ballooned to 230 lbs, as a result I developed type 2 diabetes.

I made lifestyle changes, ate better, exercised regularly and lost 30 lbs. My depression had stabilized and then within 2 weeks in 2008 my best friend succumbed to cancer and the women I was seeing ended our relationship.

This time I reached out to employee assistance and saw a counselor for several months. When I picked up the phone to call, they wanted to see me right away. They could hear the desperation, anxiety in my voice.

People come in and out of our lives at certain times for certain reasons. In 2010, a friend at the time suggested to my girlfriend before she became my girlfriend what about Andrew. He has his demons; however, he has a heart of gold.

I am glad she followed her heart and accepted my email request to a date. We complete each other. I am now engaged to her with a destination wedding planned for 2018. After her diagnosis on that walk, I proceeded to find out everything about mental illness and depression.

  

 A year and a half later I saw a psychologist who helped me understand and deal with my depression. I have my EAP counselor on speed dial for whenever I need to see him. I changed my lifestyle, cleaned up my act, and developed a positive support network. I am very open about my depression and have been on medication for almost 2 years.  I volunteer with Canadian Mental Health Association Manitoba/Winnipeg region. I have a blog about depression.

I deal with my depression every day. Some days are better than others. I now recognize the signs and symptoms that hopefully will prevent me from going into a major depressive state. If you are knocked down, just get back up because life has many chapters; one bad chapter doesn’t mean it’s the end of the book.

Thank you.

March Madness

My interest in the annual NCAA men's basketball tournament started in 1978 with final from the Checkerdome in St. Louis when Jack Givens scored 41 points as Kentucky beat Duke to win the championship. I became a fan for life. The annual 3 week ritual affectionately known as March Madness has been turned into a holiday for me. Every year I take the Thurs and Fri off to watch 12-15 hours of basketball.

My bucket list goal is to go to a first and second round site and indulge in the atmosphere of the moment. I will reach this goal within the next 3 years. For the last 17 years I have been filling out my brackets and hoping like everyone else that by Thursday night they haven't been totally busted. About 10 years ago I finished in the top 1,000 on ESPN bracket challenge. The challenge where millions of entries are submitted each year.

Let's back up a bit, my love of basketball started in 1978 with that championship game and I was cut from the high school basketball team. The coach asked me to be his student manager. I was the manager for 2 years and subsequently the university basketball teams manager for 5 years.

In those days I took losses personally. I would slam doors, bang basketballs against walls, throw water bottles. I let my emotions get the better of me. Even watching the games on TV I would yell at the screen, swear at the refs. You did not want to be around me when I was watching a game back then. Now I enjoy the game root for the underdog and applaud good plays on both teams

A lifetime of lasting memories and lifetime friendships was the best part about being involved with those teams. Thirty-two years ago, our team made the national final four. We were treated like rock stars, I as the team manager was even signing autographs for the kids after practice. We lost the semi final game, however, won the 3rd place game. We completed the greatest year to year turn around in Canadian history.

The reason why I love the game is the fraternity, brotherhood that you gain from your teammates, opponents. Even years later you run into a former teammate, opponent, ref or coach and you pick up the stories, the friendship the games the rivalry like it was yesterday. Not only this, you can talk to anyone in the world about March madness. It binds us all together. Everyone will have a different view, a different favorite team, a different way to fill out a bracket. That is the essence of March madness. This years tournament will be no different. My favorite team is Kentucky however, this year my allegiance is summed up in 2 words Go Zags.

Change is the One Constant

 As I grow older, I notice that my body is changing. One of the things I have noticed is that my body has become lactose sensitive.  I say lactose sensitive because I am not quite ready to admit that I may be lactose intolerant.

Most nights I come home and enjoy a nice glass of milk in the evening.  I am starting to accept the fact that these days are over.  This change is hard on me.

In the past, when change happened, I would fight against it.  I would become angry at the world mostly myself.  My anger turned inward exasperating my depression.   Since change is a constant, this became a vicious cycle.

Today, I am concentrating on things that are positive in my life.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  My health is overall very good.  I will more confident now than I have been in my 53 years.  I have a strong support network that includes a wonderful partner and a one year old grandson.
Overall I feel healthy, confident, self assured and not 53 years old.

Changes are hard, but they are inevitable.  When  changes would occur in the past I reacted negatively and lashed out. I took change personally. I would stew, fester and let the situation linger. I would try to illicit sympathy when none was warranted. And for what. It just got me worked up for no reason.

It is not what happens to you it is how you react to it.

Now I am more willing to accept change to look at it from the positive. To embrace change, even though changes are difficult. The easier change is accepted the better the outcome will be.  I focus on what I can control and I leave what I can not control to fate.

Grasping At Straws

As a proud Canadian, I have been following the gong show that is occurring in the United States. A once proud nation is being brought to its knees by an egomaniac, buffoon, blowhard dictator. He has only been in office for 6 plus weeks and already he has done more damage to the country than all other Presidents combined. His slogan Make America Great Again is farcical.

It is affecting my mental health, in a world surrounded by negativity, I have made every effort to stay as positive as possible. To see the good in myself and those around me and not be brought down to his level.

The scary part is how all the other Republicans are just blindly following likes lemmings going over a cliff. At the top of the list is the weasel Paul Ryan, had tough talk last year during the campaign and now is complicit in the undoing of America. From the travel ban to insisting on building a wall at the Mexican border. Does he not realize that America was built on immigrants coming to the country. In fact his own parents are immigrants. Did he forget this fact? No wonder there are daily illegal crossings of US immigrants into Canada. 

The last straw is his insistence that President Obama tapped his phones at Trump tower. Of course he just spouts this without any substance. The mark of a desperate man who is unraveling and proving that he is not in the least qualified to be President.

Mr Obama, was a shining example of positivity. Everyone around him was taking pot shots at him especially the media and the Republicans and yet all he did was take the high road and concentrate on doing what was right for all the people of America.

If President Clinton can be impeached, only to be acquitted,  for perjury and obstruction of justice than it will only be a matter of time before Trump is meeting the same fate. All we need is a voice of reason to step forward. The voice of reason usually comes from the unlikeliest of sources.

1998, remember Larry Flynt, who offered any female 1 million dollars to come forward with a tale of extra marital liaisons with any Republican. Well he did pay a sum of money to one of Bob Barr's ex wife's. Bob Barr was one of the lead Republicans heading up the impeachment. The Senate house leader Bob  Livingston abruptly resigned before his extra marital affair came to light.

Maybe through my constant promotion of good mental health and being positive I can be that voice of reason.

America is a great country, I enjoy visiting and will continue to visit. However, you need a leader who shows leadership by inclusion and not exclusion. A leader for all the people not select groups. A leader who can accept criticism and not run to Twitter every time someone speaks negatively of him.

I speak for all of us in saying if the heat in the kitchen is too hot than get out and allow us all to have good mental health. Because right now we are all grasping at straws trying to stay positive.

A Year Older...

Last week was my birthday and I turned 53. In some circles I can qualify for the senior's discount. I do feel anywhere near 53. I feel closer to 40. I am in good physical health, carrying a few extra pounds. Who isn't these days. 

Mentally and emotionally I feel the best I have ever been. Life is pretty good. Since the start of 2017 I have become engaged and won a major volunteer award for soccer. I continue to find ways to promote good mental health and improve relationships with my family, friends and work peers. 

My fiancée and I have set some lofty goals for this year and a little over 2 months into the year we are ahead on our goals. A promising start and in the past I would have rested on my laurels and been satisfied with the accomplishments so far. I am determined to se the goals through to the finish. 

What has changed, well I am more confident, self assured and more positive. After being a notorious night owl. I am listening to my body and going to bed earlier and getting more sleep. This has allowed me to have more energy and ready to tackle whatever challenges I am presented with. 

Even though I am healthier and happier, I know I have to remain vigilant to prevent myself from slipping. I know those moments will come and when they do come they will not be as severe and low as in the past.