How Easy for Mental Health to Waiver.

This month my mental health has waivered and taken a hit. The month started with a fight with my fiancée over the most trivial of matters.  My appointment with my counsellor was cancelled at the last minute. I was looking forward to it.

This afforded me the opportunity to see a client. A client I had trepidation over seeing and it turned out to be much ado about nothing.

Before I saw the client I met my fiancée and her best friend after work. I was moody and temperamental and let it show. It left a bad taste in all our mouths. I apologized profusely to both of them.

I allow myself to let the little things get the better of me and it can affect me in such a negative way that I either take it out on myself or those closest to me. 

My fiancée didn't need the added stress. She was preparing for surgery and was in constant pain. I do not like seeing her this way. I felt helpless and wanted to help. Instead I ended up being no help what so ever. The help I offered was not what she wanted.

I can't imagine the pain she was in. It was painful to watch and be around. I wanted to transfer her pain to mine, however, I didn't want that to happen. The surgery was delayed once and I didn't want another delay.

The fear of the unknown was driving me. I know it was routine surgery, however, any surgery is still not routine. I wanted to be there every step of the way and yet I didn't. 

One of the nurses I worked with in the days leading up to the surgery asked me how I was. I answered I am depressed and worried about Shelley's surgery. She said you hide it well. I had a smile on my face. Some days I hide it and other days I embrace it. Yet other days I let it show. The it is my depression.  The depression I deal with everyday, taking the good with the bad and the neutral. 

Thankfully, the surgery was a success. I was on tender hooks all morning waiting for the call. It came at 11:20 three and a half hours after surgery.  Recovery will be a struggle and I intend to be there every step of the way.  Whatever journey that takes us. I know we will get through this. We have already had one interaction where she said I was acting like her ex husband. That hurt and it got my attention. I refuse to be selfish.