Good day, I stand before you today a 53 yr old middle aged
man who has a great partner, good career in healthcare, wide circle of friends,
interests and hobbies with a positive outlook on life.
However, for most of my life, it wasn’t always this way. I
have been dealing with depression most of my life since my teenage years. I was
undiagnosed until 6 years ago.
One beautiful fall afternoon my partner and I went for a
walk along the Forks riverwalk. She abruptly came to a stop, looked at me
straight in the eyes and said I think you have low grade depression.
Low grade depression, what is that, she explained it to me.
When we got home I looked it up on the internet. The signs and symptoms were
staring at me and it defined me exactly.
My eyes were wide open and the light bulb burned bright
inside my brain. I started looking back at my life and believe that I first
became depressed at age 15.
At this age, I was entering grade XI, my oldest brother had
just gotten married and a week later my parents separated.
On the day my father left, we had lunch together, when we
got home he told me to go to the basement and watch TV, while he went upstairs
to pack a suitcase. The next thing I knew the door shut behind me. I called out
and went and looked. No one was there. My dad left without saying goodbye.
It would be several months before I would see him again. I
felt crushed, hurt, betrayed and started blaming and hating myself. My father
didn’t make this part any easier, he sent letters to my mom, me and my brothers
attempting to explain why he left. The letters came across as if we were to
blame for his leaving. I proceeded not to tell anyone for months. I withdrew
into a world of make believe. I would create stories about my life and my
family that were easy to believe. Lying became the easiest thing to do.
I was not the smartest student in the class and my grades suffered.
I would become disruptive in class when I would go, served a lot of detention.
I started smoking cigarettes which eventually led to harder stuff such as hash
oil and marijuana. One of my saving graces at this time was that cigarettes and
drugs had no effect on me and tasted and smelled bad so this experiment didn’t
last long.
I was escaping trying to be anyone but myself. I tried to
take refuge in sports. I was a marginal soccer player and wanted to play
basketball. Well I didn’t make the team; however, the coach liked my work ethic
and asked me to be the team manager. I relished and embraced this opportunity
it made me feel worthy.
Months went by and I was hanging around the gym and coach
asked me if I had class, no I said I had a spare. Several days went by and he
saw me hanging out, he took me aside and said you don’t have a spare you have
French class. Why are you not attending French class? I had been outed.
I came clean with coach and told him the French teacher
doesn’t like me and favors the girls in the class. He intervened and brokered a
deal for me with the teacher. I would not skip class, participate and do my
best and then I would pass. I held up my end of the bargain and passed French
class.
I confided in him about my family situation and he was very
supportive and continues to be to this day whenever I see him.
Relationships were difficult; I didn’t have a lot of
friends. I wore glasses and had an acne problem which made me very insecure and
shy especially around girls. The girls I really liked were the ones with
boyfriends, some reason I felt comfortable around them knowing that there was
no way a relationship would develop.
For the rest of my high school time, I just went through the
motions. I was unhappy and irritable, swore lots and would become angry at a moment’s
notice. The only joy was basketball and in grade XII the last game I dressed
and played a couple of minutes scoring a basket. My basketball stats read 1
game played 1 for 1 100% shooting 2 points.
After high school I went to university straight away, I had
the opportunity to be the university men’s basketball team manager. This was a
great experience. I spent 5 years and have a lifetime of experiences and
lasting friendships.
A couple of moments stood out; in my first year we had a
Christmas party at the coach’s house. The team gave me a present a shirt and
tie combo. I came to be appreciative of this gift however, at the time I was
resentful and said words that I wished I could take back as soon as they came
out of my mouth. In the New Year I apologized and explained my situation to the
team. Some of the damage lingered. Several months went by and I was hanging
around with some of the team before practice. My teammates told me that I was
trying to hard not to be myself and they didn’t like it. They wanted me to be
me not someone else. You are a good person they told me. They said fake it to
you make it.
Relationships on the home front had somewhat improved. I was
communicating with my father. We found common ground in soccer, current events
and history. My next oldest brother got married and moved away for school.
That left my mom and me
under one roof. We coexisted however it was not easy. She became
dependent on me and me on her. Looking back it was uncomfortable to the outside
world, except I at the time didn’t see it that way. To some extent this was the
same with my brothers who were both off married.
One of the people who saw this was my father, however, even
though we had a better relationship since he left. I didn’t see it until later.
One time while away with him we had a long talk about everything and I started
to see my father in a different light. That maybe it wasn’t totally his fault
for breaking up the family. We would meet regularly for lunches and visits and
phone each other on a regular basis.
In the spring of 2000, I went on a trip to the USA. My
friend bailed out at the last minute and I went by myself. The trip was a
disaster and I was really feeling low. I had never contemplated suicide before;
however, the thought crossed my mind several times during this trip. I thought
here I am in the middle of nowhere. No one would care if I never returned. I
walked around for hours and sat in the dark in my hotel room for most of the
day.
What stopped me, the TV was on in the hotel room. CNN was
showing live coverage of the reunion between a little boy and his father. I
reached out to my father.
They say bad things happen in threes, well 2005-2006 proved
that is the case. My father who I had become very close to dropped dead, 4
months later my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. I let myself go in
grieve and ballooned to 230 lbs, as a result I developed type 2 diabetes.
I made lifestyle changes, ate better, exercised regularly
and lost 30 lbs. My depression had stabilized and then within 2 weeks in 2008
my best friend succumbed to cancer and the women I was seeing ended our
relationship.
This time I reached out to employee assistance and saw a
counselor for several months. When I picked up the phone to call, they wanted
to see me right away. They could hear the desperation, anxiety in my voice.
People come in and out of our lives at certain times for
certain reasons. In 2010, a friend at the time suggested to my girlfriend
before she became my girlfriend what about Andrew. He has his demons; however,
he has a heart of gold.
I am glad she followed her heart and accepted my email
request to a date. We complete each other. I am now engaged to her with a destination wedding planned for 2018. After her diagnosis on that walk, I
proceeded to find out everything about mental illness and depression.
A year and a half later I saw a psychologist who helped me
understand and deal with my depression. I have my EAP counselor on speed dial for whenever I need to see him. I changed my lifestyle, cleaned up my act, and developed a positive
support network. I am very open about my depression and have been on medication for almost 2 years. I volunteer with
Canadian Mental Health Association Manitoba/Winnipeg region. I have a
blog about depression.
I deal with my depression every day. Some days are better
than others. I now recognize the signs and symptoms that hopefully will prevent
me from going into a major depressive state. If you are knocked down, just get
back up because life has many chapters; one bad chapter doesn’t mean it’s the
end of the book.
Thank you.
Just wondering.....what is the reaction from the students?
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