I am glad that Christmas is done for another year. I was really looking forward to it this year. Our grandson and daughter were going to be here for it. We had taken him to the Winter Wonderland and the Zoo to see the glorious light display. Played in the snow. Ollie decorated and the first time in years we put up a Christmas tree. I even decorated my cubicle at work.
Everyone at work knew me as the office Scrooge. Yeah I wore it with a badge of honor. This year was going to be different. It is hard to be a Scrooge with a 5 year old going on 40 grandson. So I pivoted and I liked it. I felt on top of the world. One of my colleagues said when you talk about your grandson your eyes light up, voice is animated and have a smile of genuine happiness. Yes definitely. I love talking about my grandson. He is the best and always will be. Am I slightly biased, definitely.
Than it all went sideways. For reasons unknown, our daughter decided she wanted to go home. Let’s say it wasn’t a friendly leave, there was acrimony and animosity and harsh words. They left. The day before they left. I asked her if anything could change her mind and what I can do to support her. She didn’t answer the first question, for the second one she ask me to drive her to the border. Well that wasn’t going to happen.
The next day I went to work and felt my anxiety increase by the minute. I felt like if anyone said anything to me I would tell them to f…off. A couple of my colleagues noticed something not right. Not a good feeling to have. I saw my Nurse Practitioner the next day and she granted me a mental health break. I am on leave until early January.
The main emotion I feel is sadness. Overwhelming sadness. Tears have welled up several occasions. It has been real hard, sleep has been affected, daily living has been affected even more so than COVID. My wife is feeling the same way.
Christmas Eve and Day was tough. We didn’t feel like doing anything. We thought albeit briefly about canceling our annual Sals feast. We went ahead with it and as usual was exceptional. Lasted 3 meals. Sadness prevailed all day. Oh what could have been. I messaged our daughter to see if we could FaceTime with Ollie. No response. It hurts, sucks. We are praying and holding out trust that the situation will improve in 2022.
I went to a peer support group last week and will go again this week. EAP appointment next week and Psychologist appt the following week. Trying to keep busy. My wife had me move furniture around yesterday and change positions of the furniture already moved around.
Thankfully we have wonderful support networks. I have been in contact with KB and DK on a daily basis. Thank you and love you both.
When I have idle thoughts the emotion is sadness. Have tried to keep myself busy. Practicing self care. It is not always working. My wife and I have had some choice moments.
I want to be well enough to return to work in the new year. Have some work to do to ensure this happens.
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