Spinning My Tires

 Last Monday December 27, I went out to run an errand about 7 pm. Instead of running the errand, I got stuck in the soft snow. Had to have 3 people push me unstuck. To exacerbate the situation a car was parked in the fire lane which made it awkward for me to get a running start out of my spot. My anxiety was increasing by the second. 

When you are stuck in snow one of two things happen. You either spin your tires and go nowhere except digging a bigger rut. Or you can go forward a little back a little and rock the car. This is how you get unstuck. It worked for me. I decided not to continue the errand. I parked and started to go back inside the building. The person who had parked in the fire lane came out of the building. I said to him thanks for parking in the fire lane and causing me to get stuck. We both said choice words to each other. 

Shelley said where have you been, I told her the sordid detail. I was still worked up and took it out on Shell for no reason other than I was riled up. It caused tension between us for the next 20 hrs. I slept on the couch that night.  

As a result of our conflict I came to the realization courtesy of Shelley assistance that I am very selfish and can be very unkind and changes needed to be made if we were to continue.  The next day I started a kindness and gratitude journal. It was easy to start as I had my 40rth blood donation this day. Felt exhilarated, grateful and blessed. I asked the donor assistant if she gave blood and she offered she couldn’t however was a recipient of donated blood. The rest of day people mentioned to me that they have been recipients of donated blood. 

Shelley said I have been kinder, less selfish and most importantly she hasn’t had to yell at me. Just like the car getting stuck we have choices. We can keep spinning the wheels and dig a bigger hole or we can rock the car back and forth for a solution  I know which way is easiest and less hostile. 

A Very Unmerry Christmas

 I am glad that Christmas is done for another year. I was really looking forward to it this year. Our grandson and daughter were going to be here for it. We had taken him to the Winter Wonderland and the Zoo to see the glorious light display. Played in the snow. Ollie decorated and the first time in years we put up a Christmas tree. I even decorated my cubicle at work. 

Everyone at work knew me as the office Scrooge. Yeah I wore it with a badge of honor. This year was going to be different. It is hard to be a Scrooge with a 5 year old going on 40 grandson. So I pivoted and I liked it. I felt on top of the world. One of my colleagues said when you talk about your grandson your eyes light up, voice is animated and have a smile of genuine happiness. Yes definitely. I love talking about my grandson. He is the best and always will be. Am I slightly biased, definitely. 

Than it all went sideways. For reasons unknown, our daughter decided she wanted to go home. Let’s say it wasn’t a friendly leave, there was acrimony and animosity and harsh words. They left. The day before they left. I asked her if anything could change her mind and what I can do to support her. She didn’t answer the first question, for the second one she ask me to drive her to the border. Well that wasn’t going to happen. 

The next day I went to work and felt my anxiety increase by the minute. I felt like if anyone said anything to me I would tell them to f…off. A couple of my colleagues noticed something not right. Not a good feeling to have. I saw my Nurse Practitioner the next day and she granted me a mental health break. I am on leave until early January. 

The main emotion I feel is sadness. Overwhelming sadness. Tears have welled up several occasions. It has been real hard, sleep has been affected, daily living has been affected even more so than COVID. My wife is feeling the same way. 

Christmas Eve and Day was tough. We didn’t feel like doing anything. We thought albeit briefly about canceling our annual Sals feast. We went ahead with it and as usual was exceptional. Lasted 3 meals. Sadness prevailed all day. Oh what could have been. I messaged our daughter to see if we could FaceTime with Ollie. No response. It hurts, sucks. We are praying and holding out trust that the situation will improve in 2022. 

I went to a peer support group last week and will go again this week. EAP appointment next week and Psychologist appt the following week. Trying to keep busy. My wife had me move furniture around yesterday and change positions of the furniture already moved around. 

Thankfully we have wonderful support networks. I have been in contact with KB and DK on a daily basis. Thank you and love you both. 

When I have idle thoughts the emotion is sadness. Have tried to keep myself busy. Practicing self care. It is not always working. My wife and I have had some choice moments. 

I want to be well enough to return to work in the new year. Have some work to do to ensure this happens. 

Being Free

 We are blessed to have our exceptional grandson with us. He is so free and full of love and joy. The other day we were playing in the snow for several hours. We made snow angels, had a snowball and stick fight. 

He says let’s pretend we are pirates seeking treasure. He had buried his Spider-Man toque in the snow and now we had to find it. It didn’t take us long. He loves inventing games to play and also he loves Pokémon.  He said did you see the Pokémon let’s catch it. I went along and soon we are both catching imaginary objects and pretending to see things that are not there. Or are they. 

I marvel at my Grandson every day. He is 5 and a half going on 40. His mom calls him my adult child. I was telling the Outreach Worker at work about Ollie and she says I can see your face and voice light up when you mention his name. 

How instinctive playtime is. I started thinking back to my childhood and sadly can’t remember playing in the snow. No building snowman, no snowsuit. I see now how much fun I missed out on. That evening we went to see the Winter Wonderland lights. It was only -4 so I wore shorts. I could hear my mothers voice saying put on some pants it’s too cold to wear shorts and I will not let you go outside dressed like that. 

I am watching Ollie play quietly around our home.  Being so good and so respectful. Inventing games and seeing them play out. Not a care in the world. I wish I were a 5 year old again. Life was so much simpler.

When You Least Expect It…

 That is when depression rears it’s head and kicks you where you don’t want it. This happened to me today, on what was a happy day. My favourite sports team had a dominant win over there most hated rival. On what was the 11 anniversary of me being diagnosed with depression. A day that helped change my life and lead me to be the person I am today. More confident, less angry, and much happier person. 

My wife and I were watching her favourite sport curling. Our favourite team was playing against our least favourite team and what started out as one sided ended up being a closer score than needed. Our team won. Watching the game I became triggered and starting yelling at the tv, calling out names unsuitable for regular conversation. 

I was not me, I was the old me. It set me into a bad path for the next several hours. I was triggered. What I have come to know is that certain types of people trigger me. It can be their presence, their words or actions. It can last hours like today or days. 

My wife and I talked it out and I went out and got some comfort food. Thank you comfort food. I trust my wife wholeheartedly. She always seems to have comforting words. Today and 11 years ago. That day changed my life. I became aware that I was dealing with depression undiagnosed and it was not an attractive look on me. 

Depression does not have a road map. It does have an agenda. It’s agenda is to trip you up. To make your life miserable. To tell you that you are not worthy, you are terrible, you are not loveable. It spews negative thoughts inside your head. It can be relentless. It comes out of nowhere to rear it’s ugly head. Sometimes I can recognize it like today and other times not so much and it lasts several days before I recognize it.

I have learnt to embrace it and accept it and deal with it and most importantly not let it win. However, long that takes. Next time I may not be as fortunate as today. 

Define Oneself

 I bought the bottom cup in June 2020, I think I am a pretty good Grampa and the person who it matters the most thinks I am pretty cool. In early 2021 the cup broke and was not salvageable. It was a sad moment to pick up the pieces and throw the mug away. What didn’t get thrown away was and is the special bond I have with my Grandson and memories.

For this year’s Father’s Day I bought the top cup and the first day I took it to work I hit the rail on the stairs and the handle broke. I thought for a second about throwing it out. Instead I took a picture and said to myself this is a metaphor for life. 

To say I am the Best Dad Ever is completely false. I am not even a Dad. I inherited two beautiful, creative and talented adults. One who has given us a beautiful grandson. Yes I now call my wife’s kids my daughter and son. Love them to the moon and back. 

I believe that we are all perfectly imperfect people. Flaws, warts and all and no one is the best or most perfect person. In fact, I like to tell whoever listens that the only perfect people are six feet under and they didn’t get there by being perfect. People who say they are perfectionists are fooling themselves. We all make countless mistakes each day. Only a few are noticed and rarely cause any harm or are serious enough to have a negative outcome. 

If you have ever seen the excellent movie Apollo 13, they called the mission a successful failure. The astronauts made it safely home after an accident, however, they didn’t reach the moon which was their goal.

I love my grandson and he knows I am not perfect. We have a great bond. The cup reminds me everyday that we are a work in progress striving to do the best we can each day.

What Is Your Secret?

 I was asked this question by a work colleague last week. I knew exactly what she was referring to. You see over the last 3 months, I have lost between 12-15 pounds. It is noticeable and this is what she was referring to. 

So What Is My Secret? Well a combination of things. I started a new med which one of the benefits is weight loss. I have been watching what I have been eating and drinking. More protein, less carbs. Drinking lots of water no juice, little soft drinks. I am walking and take the stairs at work. All of this has produced a positive change.

Today I weighed 184 the lowest in about 20 years. Every set of pants has to be worn with a belt or else pants will fall down. I have started wearing some shirts that were once too tight across the chest. 

I know one’s weight fluctuates between 2-5 pounds every day. I also know that weighing oneself everyday is not good either. I know lifestyle plays a huge part. I know that mental health also plays a huge role. I am in a good place right now.

I also know it is a process everyday. I have to take the good with the bad. 

Do I have work to do? Definitely, however, each day I am stepping toward the light at the end and it gets brighter with each step. 

The secret is no more. I am 12-15 pounds lighter and it feels like I am a 100 pounds lighter. 

Wisdom of a Five Yr Old

 This is my 200th blog post and we have just finished spending 3 weeks with our 5 yr young Grandson. The best boy in the world. We are just a little biased. 

Every day brought new wonder and joy. One of his favourite things was to walk a km to the play park. He called it the Nature Park. He went on the swing, climbed on the structure, went down the slide, played in the sandbox. He made friends with all the kids at the park. Whenever a new boy or girl would arrive he would go up and introduce himself and soon they were old friends.

Watching children play is so freeing. They don’t have a care in the world. They make up games, play old favourites like hide and seek and tag. We as parents or in our case Grandparents stood by happily watching them play. He would fall down and he would say I am okay and give the thumbs up. When it was time to leave we would ask him how much longer and he would say 16 or 19 minutes. Somehow he would know when the time was up and be ready to go. 

The same scenario would play out at the splash pad. Grandma would say you are going to get wet and he would say Grandma I got wet very wet with a huge smile on his face. Watching children play is a beautiful endeavour. 

Why do we feel the need to screw this up as they get older?

He loves watching Paw Patrol, Pokémon, Sonic X on Netflix. I learned about Pokémon and Pikachu and still have no clue. He loves to climb and build. Fearless and resilient. 

From feeding geese from our balcony to blowing bubbles. To standing on the balcony when it was smoky telling people and the geese to stay inside and be safe. Caring, compassionate and light years ahead of his age. He is also a great antidote for depression and anxiety. Our mental and physical health improved when he was here. We both lost weight and felt better mentally and emotionally.

The things he would say are definitely out of the mouths of babes. From “Grampa Do You Know What Time It Is, It’s Popcorn Time. To Grandma I Don’t Like It When You Wear Just Feet”. 

I showed him some pictures of me as a little boy and he tells his Mom; “ Did You Know That Grampa Was Once My Age”. 

He has gone back home now and whenever we are missing him we recall one of the countless memorable moments we made and look forward to our next visit. We Love our Little Man.