2023 What A Year

 As we close out 2023, time for some reflection. It has been an impactful year on many fronts. I am very blessed to have many many important relationships/friendships that keep my balanced and are value adds to my life. 

I redeveloped a lost friendship in March, was a long time coming. I took the risk and reached out. Thank you CM. 

I continue to nurture and love my beautiful family. My wife keeps my on my toes. My children via marriage are continuing to blossom into upstanding and great young adults each creating there own niche. My grandson spent the entire summer with us and showed me a different side of Winnipeg. Found so many gems that I didn’t know about. Since he went home in August, I admit there was some pinning to hear his lovely voice and my mental health was impacted until I talked to him again. 

We continue to embrace our relationship with True North and love working there. We have become valued and respected employees and made some awesome friendships. The best memories from Canada Life Centre this year was the first home playoff game I attended since Game 4 1990 Dave Ellett double overtime game winner. Walking into to a an all white arena. We have a white out theme during playoffs and every seat had  a white towel draped over it. Too bad the game ended in a double OT loss. How prophetic The concerts KISS, Seinfeld and Lee Brice were my favourites. Special events Disney on Ice was the top. I did tear up during Moana and Frozen.

At the end of the year a very heavy work related situation was lifted off my shoulders. When the final aspect played out I could feel the burden being lifted off and felt free for the first time in many years. Going forward I want to continue to blossom and enhance work possibilities. I am also gearing up for retirement less than two years away hopefully. I took the plunge and paid for parking at work. First time in my healthcare career. Stress free for sure.

In August, our car died and we had anxiety ridden days for about a week. We quickly pivoted and in October welcomed a brand new car called Triumph. So far a match made in heaven.

Like every year there is great loss. Personally lost a good friend and soccer mentor TT. Friends lost family members and are struggling. Famous people we lost included Bud Grant, Tony Bennett, Gordon Lightfoot, Rosalyn Carter, Sandra Day O’Connor and Shelley’s favourite simply the best Tina Turner. 

Few volunteer opportunities presented this year however next year, I have already laid the groundwork for more opportunities. I know that when I don’t volunteer my mental health takes a hit. Making a difference in someone’s life has endless rewards.

My mental health ebbs and flows. It is a process everyday. I learn more about myself when the blips happen. My goal moving forward is to keep the blips to a minimum and work at not having them become more than blips.

I will continue to advocate for openness with mental health. Nothing to be ashamed about. We all struggle at certain aspects of our life. Being open makes us stronger not weaker. If anyone tells you otherwise it’s their shame not yours.

Love to you all and here’s to a great 2024.

Dog Days of Summer

 The middle of July is always especially hard for me. In different years of course, however, in the span of a week I lost an uncle, my dad, my best friend and my mother. Most years I am able to recognize and be aware of the day. This year it hit me pretty hard. I missed work and generally felt a heaviness around me.  

Our grandson is staying with us and I was trying particularly hard to try not to let him see me in pain. However, it was impossible. On the anniversary of my father’s death I had several meltdowns. I took him to Wal-Mart for toys. It is a treat for him. After paying we walked to the car, put the bag in the car buckled him in and realized I couldn’t find my phone. We went back into the store traced our steps and couldn’t find the phone. As we are walking back to the car Ollie says “Grandpa it has to be in the car”. Sure enough it was in the bag in the backseat. Feeling fragile we drove home.

We went to the playground and I lost my way getting there drove around the neighbourhood twice trying to find the playground which we have been to on a regular basis. My father’s wife called to reminisce and I got lost in the conversation. I was supposed to work a concert that night. I called in and stayed close to home with my grandson. The next day I was still unsettled from the previous day, although less so and missed another day at work. 

Monday was rough as I was wrought with emotion and grief and had a bad day at work. I decided that I needed a mental health day so the next day took one. I went to lunch with a good fried friend. I took Ollie with me. It was a day of the reflection remembering my best friend. One of the things Mike loved to do was go to our local watering hole. He would refer to this time as choir practice, his father was a priest. We would go sometimes the two of us or with a group of friends. We would attempt to solve the worlds problems over adult beverages. 

I went to our local watering hole and ordered two beers one for me and one for my friend. The server looked at me strangely because they were totally different beers. I told her one is for me and the other one was for my friend. When I was leaving the server asked me about my friend. I said he was with me in spirit. The beer was left untouched.

The next day was the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s passing. The last number of years of her life I was estranged from her. My choice. I came to terms with my past and the negative influence my mother played in it. I am at peace over her now. It took me awhile. I am aware of the day and that is about it. No guilt, no shame, no emotion, no grief.

I am blessed to have many wonderful people in my life who helped me get through this hard week and each hard moments I have. It is so great having our grandson here. He is the best boy in the world. Yes I am biased. 

I take my mental health seriously and recognize at any moment it can sneak up and bite me and drag me down. Part of being aware of my own mental health ups and downs I am also an advocate for good mental health overall. I am blessed to have an employer who offers a free Employee Assistance Program. I am aware of and make good use of this valuable resource. I am available to assist with others who are going through stuff. Everyone goes through stuff. 

We are not alone and we are also available to lend our time. Two loves of my life. 

Child's Play

 We are blessed to have our grandson staying with us this month. He is such a great kid 7 going on 40. He is smart, intelligent, creative, kind, compassionate and wise beyond his years.

Yesterday, I took him to the playground and watched him play. Play he did, climbing up down and all around the various aspects of the structure. 

There were other children at the playground, kids his age, some younger, some older and he started interacting with them and playing with them. They would climb, run, slide, create games.

It was freeing to watch and freeing for him to just be a kid. I sat and watched with tears rolling down my face, why because I am so blessed to have this little man in my life. He has taught me so much. He has taught me how to love unconditionally, how to be compassionate and show empathy.

As I watched I reflected back on my own childhood experiences which for the most part were not pleasant. Around the same age as Ollie I was playing at a playground and they had something called monkey bars which were these metal bars twisted together in a dome like structure. I started to climb these and fell off them. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed. I ended up with a bump on my head and a scar under my chin and decades of fear.

For the coming days, weeks and years after this event I was in constant fear of these bars and to a greater extent the whole playground experience. The presence of fear was placed over me that these playgrounds were dangerous and bad things can happen be visiting them.

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to overcome my fear of the playground. It wasn't until Ollie came along and I recognized that the only fear is the fear we place on ourselves. Is there an inherent risk yes. However, we don't need to get hung up about this risk.

Back to the present watching Ollie and the other kids, at one stage they found a tennis ball and started playing catch when one of the boys left, Ollie invited me to play catch with him and the others. 

So often we get hung up on all the stresses of life that we forget to create time to play and just be a kid.

Trying to put a Square Peg Into a Round Hole

 Today I donated blood. My 42nd donation. Ten years ago my wife who regularly donates asked me to come with her while she donated. I was hesitant and wasn’t sure if I was even eligible. I am Type 2 diabetic and thought I wasn’t eligible. 

I trusted her and went to see and sure enough I was eligible. Another fear that turned out to be nothing. The experience was positive and the donor associate said thank you for donating and your donation will save 3 lives. 

A simple act that takes less than an hour from start to finish could be so meaningful and life altering. Apart from my arm bruising up no other issues. The arm bruise was probably my body reacting to pint blood loss. No other issues from donating and wish more people would donate. 

I tell everyone and post every donation on social media. I hope I have encouraged other people to donate. The need is great and real. 

This is one opportunity experience that worked out. Another situation did not end up as positive. 

Several years ago an opportunity was presented to me. I tried it out, worked hard at it and became proficient at it. A couple of months ago I had a meltdown during this opportunity and was removed and public shamed. I knew I had made mistakes. However, there were other ways of handling the situation that would have left me in a better place. 

I vowed revenge and even plotted revenge. I didn’t act. I believed in karma and what goes around comes around. In addition, my counsellor said why were you trying to fit into a place that wasn’t for you. Like a square peg in a round whole. 

The epiphany occurred and realized my anger was misplaced and chalked it up to a great learning experience that I was never going to fit into it. 

The wisdom of others. The openness on my end to accept the wisdom of others has guided me through many rough moments over the last several years. It is important to try things and if they work great, if they don’t. Simply move on. 

When one door closes another always opens. The caveat is to see when the door is open. 

The Affair

 Five years ago the love affair started. Like all affairs they start innocently enough and continue to be life changing. This affair is different. It was encouraged and supported by my soulmate. She was totally in favour of it and glad it happened and continues to happen.

May 30, 2017 changed my life. On this day Kelsey and Oliver came to visit. I was at work when they arrived, Shelley kept me up to date with

second play by play. I couldn’t wait for the day to be done. It was hard to concentrate on work knowing that I was being picked up from work by my wife, daughter and grandson. 

I would be seeing my grandson for the third time ever. I was so excited I could barely focus on finishing the day. Finally 4pm came and they were waiting out front for me. I got in the backseat looked over at my grandson and he was fast asleep. I guess he wasn’t as excited to see me as I was him. Boy I had a lot to learn about being a Grandparent. 

That night after a great dinner we were back home hanging out. I was in the reclining chair and along comes Oliver crawling to in front of me. He stretches out his tiny arms and I pull him up onto my chest. We cuddle and he falls asleep on my chest. 

I thought I had died and gone to heaven. What a joyous moment. It was at that moment that the love affair started. We bonded and became best buds. 

He is now six and hearing the magic words Grampa I love you. I will not get tired of hearing those words. Ollie you are becoming a great little boy. So full of live and love. You have blessed me in ways you will never know yet understand.  

Whenever I am in your presence all my concerns, issues go away. My mental health is strong and I feel like I can do anything and deal with anything thrown at me. My love for you is eternal. It has been a great ride which will continue. Until we meet again. 

Love Grampa

Freedom

 This word has been used a lot recently and not always correctly. Correct examples of freedom are Allied troops liberation of occupied countries and concentration camps during WW11. Prisoners released from custody and not recommitting crimes. Nelson Mandela being freed from prison on February 11, 1990 after 27 years. 

Survivors of narcissistic people finally cutting the strings and becoming free. I am in this category. Under the narcissist spell my life was not mine. My ideas thoughts were not accepted. My feelings were enmeshed with the narcissist. I took on their heartache. I became their surrogate. 

Relationships were skewed and not real. I felt insecure, fearful, scared and afraid to be independent. Was constantly looking for approval in all the wrong places. I had a hard time saying no. I wanted to please everyone. If I didn’t I considered it a failure. One way for me to escape was to lie. To create elaborate stories about my life and I would live these lies. 

As a result creating boundaries was fruitless. I would not honour them or the narcissists would walk all over them. Several years ago a switch occurred within me thanks to special friends in my life. I started believing in them and what they were telling me about the narcissists in my life. 

Through their words, my actions, help of professionals I found my strength to gain back control of my life. To cut the strings and be free. It wasn’t just this it was believing in myself that I can have healthy, meaningful, unconditional relationships. 

The one person I started believing in was myself. I would tell myself I love myself. I pushed back against the narcissists. Setting appropriate boundaries and resetting them for my well-being, mental and physical health. 

In discussion with my counsellor early this week we talked about boundaries. Healthy and unhealthy boundaries. The boundaries I put up around myself to keep others out and to prevent myself from moving forward hindered my growth. I now have positive boundaries and keep those that can harm me at a distance with boundaries which I control. 

The key word was freedom. Having healthy boundaries and relationships is freeing. Freedom to do and say what I want within reason. The freedom to be. Freedom is a choice. 

We live in society with rules, regulations, restrictions and laws. We can respect these and still have our freedom. The pandemic has been a real challenge of our boundaries and freedom. My circle (bubble) has chosen to respect these parameters. Has it been tough the last 2 years. Definitely, have we thought of giving up. Perhaps. Is there light at end of the tunnel. Sure. Being the silent majority during the pandemic has been difficult yet necessary. 

These so called protesters and their convoy’s have proven that freedom is definitely a choice. They see the man dates, restrictions as an infringement on their freedom. Yet they made the choice to not abide by the mandates. They are acting like the school yard bully ranting and raving. It’s like whoever yells the loudest. 

The silent majority will prevail. The macho bravado can only last so long. It’s like the narcissist, remove the oxygen from their path and they will starve themselves. 

From Darkness To Light

 There are 4 common reactions to situations and I have perfected all of them. Not always in a good way. I learned about the 4rth one earlier this week. The reaction of Fawning. Fawning is a response rooted in trauma. Bending over backwards to please someone.

It is immediately reacting to try to please others to avoid any conflict. Otherwise known as people pleasing. This was me for most of my life. 

I am starting to break away from this however, when it has been deep rooted and ingrained it’s going to take some time and therapy. 

I was under the spell of a narcissistic parent. This parent was manipulative, bullying and at a young age I absorbed the feelings and emotions and became enmeshed. It was hard because I grew up not fully experiencing life. I was always concerned of not making the parent angry or upset. I would agree with the parent. I was more concerned of making the narcissistic parent happy than taking care of myself. 

My interactions with a certain gender suffered. My relationships suffered. I became a broken person. I was led to believe to be afraid and scared of everything. This parent made it seem that they were the only one who could save and rescue me. This parent lorded it over me by buying me things and going on trips which neither of us could afford. As a result I ended up with money issues. Credit card debt. I became ashamed of and only now am I actively getting a handle on this. 

I had an inclination that something wasn’t right with all this. However, I was too entrenched to see the light at the end of tunnel. It wasn’t until 12 years ago that I met a wonderful lady who helped me see the light and is still leading me out of darkness. 

One of the best things that ever happened to me was being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I now knew what I was dealing with all those years ago. 

From darkness to light I keep moving forward and I recognize the 4 prominent reactions Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn and the role they play in my life and how I react to situations. 

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