March Forward

March is my favourite month. Why?  It is my birthday month. I will be 57. Yes not even concerned that everyone knows my age. Age is just a number, I feel about 10-15 yrs younger. I was asked by someone today about retirement. As long as I have my health I have another 8-10 years before retiring. My magic 80 is in 3 years time in my 60th year. Maybe I will go at that time. I love my career. It is challenging, stimulating and impactful. I am making a difference in people’s lives because of my work. I have a wonderful staff of 6 healthcare aides. The nurses, outreach, doctors, admin and managers I work with as well are all creative, talented professionals. We treat each other with respect and as professionals and have a good time doing it. 

The last year during the pandemic have been challenging. It seemed like every other week we were modifying our service model to fit the changing environment. We were deemed essential and went to work when a lot of people were being laid off. I often felt guilty about this. We were prescreened before we could enter the building. Masks are mandatory unless at our desk. The adjustments were and are constant. 

I am physically healthy. Mentally and emotionally I waver all the time. My mental health is tenuous at the best of times. Add the last year, and more often than not I want to burst into tears. I only fleeting thought about checking out twice. One of the things I have dearly missed has been physically volunteering at events and with my favourite organizations. I miss going to schools and sharing my mental health journey.  I miss the sporting and special events I volunteer for. 

I have become a very open person. In fact I have been accused by some people close to me of over sharing. To that I say crap on you. Last year Manitoba was supposed to be celebrating their 150th birthday. One of the events was honouring Manitoba’s 150 best volunteers which I was named one of. I was notified of this honour on March 2 and had to sit on this announcement for almost a full year. Man that was hard. 

Now the cat is out of the bag. I am incredibly humbled and stoked to be recognized for this. I thank my wonderful wife for the fantastic comprehensive nomination she submitted for me. I thank her also for her guidance, wisdom, strength, support, love and tolerance. She has helped me come to terms with my Depression and anxiety. She is amazing. Thank you for all your love. I am thankful to my amazing support network for always being there and holding me accountable. Love you all. 

2020 was an unbelievable year in so many ways. My mantra was to be kind always. For the most part I achieved this. 

There were moments when I started going down the rabbit hole of depression. In these moments I was everything except kind. My mouth run amok. My attitude, demeanour was so low I did not want to interact with people, I was afraid of what I might say or do. I was a real shit. Felt like I was before Shelley, intolerable to be around, no fun, angry, miserable with a huge unnecessary chip on my shoulder. Thankfully these dark moments did not last more than a few days. 

I hope the end of the pandemic is in sight. When we look back we will see the positives and how the world will have changed for the better. I hear “can we go back to normalcy”. Perhaps however masks and social distancing are the new normal. I long to travel again and what will that look like. I long to visit and hug my Grandson and hear those 4 beautiful words in person “I love you Grampa” 

I have come a long way in my mental health journey. I am embracing all aspects of it and hope to improve on my advocacy for better mental health. Actions and words are powerful. Be kind, supportive and respectful at all times. 

March is a month of change inspiration hope and renewal. Embrace it. It is also Women’s history month. So many wonderful, inspiring women who have come before us and will continue to lead us. My stepdaughter and wife are two of the finest, strongest, courageous women in the world today. Love you immensely. 

Finding My Courage

 This past week we were witnessed to a serious proceeding which turned into a circus sideshow. The impeachment trial of #45 Dumpster Fire was superbly laid out by the 9 House Impeachment Managers. The case they outlined was detailed and comprehensive and would have provided a verdict of impeachment. 

However, the Republicans 43 of them who are so shortsighted in their ideology, thinking, actions chose to acquit based on a constitutional technicality. The leader of this band of corrupt politicians Mitch McConneell voted to acquit because it was unconstitutional to impeach a President who is no longer in office. You hypocritical disingenuous POS. Your delay created this situation. Than to say on TV to whoever was listening after the vote that #45 sparked the insurrection  

How dare you Gaslight the world. The people most prone to gaslight are narcissists. People with Narcissistic behaviour only care about themselves and don’t care about the damage, harm physically, emotionally and mentally they inflict on their victims. 

As someone who suffered for years at the hands of a narcissistic parent I know all too well. What was painfully obvious to the outside world I did not see it or want to see it. The enmeshed meant left me with tons of insecurity, difficulty relating to people especially women. I was shy introverted with periods of verbal rage. I did not care who I hurt or what I said at times. 

About 11 years I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and some of the healing began. It has been a long haul and uphill battle to positive progress. Therapy with a counsellor and psychologist, changing my support network, cutting people out of my life, embracing my mental health and sharing my story. One of the most important people who helped me truly move forward have been my incredible wife. Her wisdom, insight and assessment skills gave me the framework to embrace my recovery. The other person has been my 4 year old grandson. We have been besties since the day I first held him as an infant. He taught me how to love unconditionally with no strings attached.  The other day he said the 4 greatest words “ I LOVE YOU GRAMPA “  

Yes I have experienced gaslighting at its finest. This gaslighting of the American public has to stop. It is harmful and hurtful and creates unnecessary outcomes for people who deal with mental health issues. 

The Dumpster Fire who masqueraded as #45 created this by saying I could shout a person on 5th avenue and not be held accountable. His barrage of lies, conspiracy theories, misinformation, has created a bunch of lemmings in the Republican Party. He has emboldened groups that promote hate, racism and violence to crawl out from under the rocks they were from. Yes January 6 was the Dumpster Fire’s creation. He lit the fire and his followers took the match and ran with it. 

This past week to not hold him accountable is the ultimate in Gaslighting led by McConnell and followed blindly by Graham, Hawley, Cruz, Cotton, Tuberville and all the others who voted No to impeachment. 

Thank you for nothing. Not surprised at the outcome from the party who impeached Clinton for lying about getting a BJ in the Oval Office. I guess infidelity is wrong and insurrection is right. 

I am glad I live in Canada. Mr Biden you have a tough job ahead of you. God speed Sir. Here is the beauty the reason the Republicans voted No they were concerned about the repercussions for future elections. The unemployment line awaits. I would take any of the 9 impeachment house managers to defend me if I ever needed it.

Every Action Matters

 On January 28th, Bell media celebrated “Bell Let’s Talk” day where there motto this year was every action matters. They claimed they raised $26 million for mental health awareness and had a good time patting each other on the back for job well done. 

Less than two weeks later they shuttered 3 sports talk radio stations in Vancouver, Hamilton and my home town Winnipeg. Notifying employees via Twitter they were out of a job/career. The station played canned music all day including the Green Day song Good Riddance. 

The same media giant that received $121 million from the Federal Government last year as a bailout during the pandemic. The same media company doesn’t walk the walk. For years stories have been shared about employees not receiving support for their mental illness, losing their jobs because they mentioned they deal with mental health issues. How hypocritical and disingenuous Bell media are. Well living up to your theme Bell, every action mattered. Now thousands of honest hard working people have had their livelihood ripped out from under them. How cold and heartless that is. People’s anxiety and depression will only be heightened. Yeah every action matters Bell. 

What can be done about it? We can change cell providers, tv and internet providers. We know that will not happen. I am outraged. I feel like Peter Finch in Network “ I am mad as hell and not going to take it anymore”.

Where do we go from here? I am with all the people who are expressing their outrage at Bell on social media. Yes radio stations change format all the time on air personalities are like coaches they are hired to be fired. However, this is just cruel and mean. A giant company making millions through advertising and sponsorship not to mention govt bailout. Yes people get dealt the short straw all the time. Life is not fair and all of that. 

Bell Media total revenue is north of $60 billion. One of Canada’s richest companies. Richard Branson says  “Employees Come First” . Treat you employees with respect and empower them and the business will take care of itself. Every Action Does Matter when done right. 

Today is a tough day. Let’s hope better days are ahead. Be kind, be non-judgemental, be supportive. 

Let’s Talk

 Today is Bell Let’s Talk day in Canada and their slogan this year is every action counts. Bell will donate 5 cents for every action on social media using their picture, hashtag and other gimmicks on social networks. I commend their commitment to this action now in its eleventh year. Millions of dollars are raised each year.

Why only one day a year? Why not once a month, dedicate the 28th of every month for Let’s Talk day. The struggle is real. One out of every three people deals with a mental health issue. This number is staggering and now more than ever the Stigma has to be eliminated. The pandemic has kicked the crap out of my mental health this past year. Some days my anxiety is through the roof and my depression plays tricks with my mind. Some nights I lay myself down to sleep and within minutes my mind races a million miles and a million thoughts an hour. I am being pulled in so many different ways. I have to get up and clear my mind, take some clonazapan. Other nights it is an interrupted restless night of sleep. 

I find that by talking about it helps. However, I have to be careful who I talk to. Some people are not tolerant, supportive and have been known to call bullshit and say “ I don’t want to hear about your mental health issues”. I avoid these people whenever I can. 

I have many others in my support network who are there to lend the supportive ear, say the right words or just listen without judgement. Listening without judgement is a trait I am continually working on. You see I like to call myself a recovering narcissist. I recognize the behaviour and can see it in other people. Unfortunately, it occasionally comes out in my own behaviour. It is painful when this happens. I have hurt some very important friends because of these actions. I know better. I will do better.

This year has been challenging in so many ways. Thankfully my physical health has been good (COVID free touch wood). Some days I struggle to get up and go to work. I feel guilty that I have work to go to when so many others don’t. Many days I have come home and cried in my wife’s arms. I miss hugs. I miss  visiting my friends. I miss volunteering which is a huge aspect of my life. I miss my stepchildren and my grandson. We spoke last night via FaceTime and I heard the four most beautiful words in the English language “I love you Grandpa”. I can’t wait to see him and hug him and bake cookies with him.  My wife and I talk about him all the time. 

Yeah it’s great that one day of the year is set aside to talk about mental health. What about the other 364. The more we share and talk about mental health, the less there is a Stigma. Be kind always. You never know what someone’s story is. Be supportive, non judgemental, and open at all times. It is okay to not be okay. 

A New Era Has Arrived

 The last couple of months have been anxiety filled and depression overload and today felt like a huge ton of weights had been lifted off my plate and the plates of millions of people. The combative, disingenuous, indifferent approach by a misogynistic, narcissistic spreading misinformation lying bully has been replaced and flushed down the drain. The new era Biden/Harris bring breathes of fresh air. They bring humour, compassion, empathy and conciliation to a nation and world sorely in need.

My anxiety has been through the roof, fraut with tension. Walking around on pins and needles wondering what will happen next. I knew that stuff would happen, I never thought that there would be an insurrection a coup on the Capital. This happens in 3rd world countries not the good old USA. The racist groups became emboldened under the Dumpster Fire urging them on. This behaviour of negativity has spread to other countries. Here in Canada these groups now have a voice and it is scary. I hope Dumpster Fire fades into oblivion (one can hope). 

The old adage if you believe a lie long enough you start believing it is true. That is the rhetoric he has left behind. Fake news, misinformation, controlling the narrative. It doesn’t have to be this way and we will get back to the way it was. 

Our mental health will improve. It already feels different. No anxiety, depression good for now. I am eternally optimistic that the worst is behind us. I am eagerly awaiting better days. The light is getting brighter with battling the pandemic. The vaccine, herd immunity and prominent widespread mask mandates. 

Watching images of the Inauguration, what struck me most is the class, authentic, grace shown by President Biden and Madam Vice President Harris and their amazing spouses. Such a different tone from the brooding stooped Dumpster Fire. We are in good hands. Be kind, positive and true to ourselves.  

2020 An Impactful Year In Sports

 I love sports. All things sports. So 2020 was extremely hard for me especially for several months when the sporting world went silent. 

When it did start back up there were amazing feats individually and by teams. Personally my favourite team Liverpool won their first league title in 30 years. Naomi Ozaka dominated the US Women’s Tennis Open both with her play and her promotion of racial injustice. The Black Lives Matter movement was embraced by the sporting world. Players took knees for anthems. Players boycotted games. Players created open dialogue and a forum for discussion. The sporting world will have changed forever and for the better.

The sporting world also lost a significant number of luminaries who many made an impression on their sports and life in general. It started early with David Stern and Don Larsen on January 1. Don Larsen is the only picture to pitch a perfect game in the World Series. David Stern was NBA commissioner who turned the NBA into a global entity. Stars were aplenty with Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant whose death on Jan 27th shocked the world. 

The hockey world lost Henri Pocket Rocket Richard, Eddie the Entertainer Shack who had a hit song named after him. With a famous line “Clear the Track, Here Comes Shack”. Dale Ducky Hawerchuk. A beloved Winnipeg Jet. The greatest to ever wear their jersey. I had the pleasure of meeting him twice. Once at Big Brothers of Winnipeg AGM and than at his induction into Manitoba Sports Hall of Fame. He was true to Winnipeg and Winnipeg was true to him.  

Baseball lost many Hall of Farmers including Whitey Ford, Bob Gibson, Tom Seaver, Darryl Cousins, Dick Allen, Tony Fernandez, Al Kaline, Lou Brock Bob Watson and Joe Morgan who I met when I went on a tour of the Cincinnati Reds stadium and Hall of Fame in 2013. I got a miniature statue of his as a keepsake. 

American football lost Gayle Sayers, Willie Wood, Bobby Mitchell (first African American to play for the Washington Football Team), Paul Hornung (Heisman winner who became more famous for his off field gambling exploits), Tarvaris Jackson, Fred Dean, Chris Doleman, Jim Kick and Tom Dempsey was born without toes on his kicking foot and for years held the record for longest field goal. One of the last of the straight on kickers. 

The coaching profession was hit hard with both college and pro football and basketball. One of my favourites John Thompson the towering figure of Georgetown Hoyas the first African American coach to win the championship. However, for me it was his kind words to Fred Brown in defeat that defined him for me. They had lost the 1981 title game and Fred Brown passed the ball to the opposing player by mistake. He was inconsolable and Thompson said to him, son if that is the only mistake you make you will live a charmed life. Fred Brown works mentoring inner city youth in Washington DC. Other coaching deaths were Lute Olson, Eddie Sutton, Johnny Majors, George Perles, Sam Whyche, Tom Webster, Jerry Sloan, Joe Bugel, Billy Tubbs, Lou Henson, Tom Heinsohn, Morgan Wooton winningest high school coach DeMatha High School and Don Shula winningest NFL coach (Miami Dolphins) 

Basketball lost Cliff Robinson (Survivor contestant) Curly Neal Harlem Globetrotter and greatest dribbler on record, Wes Unseld won NBA title with Washington Bullets the next year they changed the name to the Wizards. 

Other notables who died Mike Sexton World Series of Poker Champion, Rafer Johnson 1960 decathlon gold medalist, Pete Dye golf course designer, Peter Allis British golfing commentator. Travis Roy who created the ice bucket challenge who on his first shift for Boston College was paralyzed. Kurt Thomas Olympic Gold Medalist Gymnast, Phyllis George a pioneer in broadcasting. Two of the greatest soccer players Paola Rossi and Diego Maradona both beautifully skilled players who had off field problems. 

2020 was an impactful year in sports and I am eager to see how 2021 will play out. I will be rooting for my favourite teams. I will be cheering on the amazing feats and people of the world of sports. Sports plays a huge role in shaping life. 

Shattering the Glass Ceiling

 2020 was a bizarre year in many ways. The pandemic, so many lives lost and continue to be lost. Vaccine in place in record time. Most of 2021 will be spent dealing with it. We will get through this and be stronger for it. The US election dominated the airwaves when talk shifted from the pandemic. From the Dumpster Fire Orange Menace circling the drain, trying to convince everyone that the election was rigged to Joe Biden and the Democrats winning. Kamala Harris the first women VP and African-Indian VP. 

The glass ceiling shattered on many levels this past year. No level more evident than in sports. Starting in January Canada’s Christine scored her 185 international soccer goal. More than any other person playing the game. Kim Ng being the first General Manager of a North American professional sports team. Becky Harmon the first female to coach in an NBA regular season game. Stephanie Frappert the first female to referee a Champions League Men’s soccer match. Jerome Boger led the first all African American NFL crew. 

Politics elected the first transgender Senator Sarah McBride. Chris Nikic became the first person with Downs Syndrome to complete a Triathlon. Naomi Osaka captured the US Women’s Tennis Open raising awareness for racial injustice with her masks. 

Tremendous accomplishments by all and yet why in this day and age of advancement and equality are we still talking about firsts. As a member of the only class (white males) to not experience any marginalization I am acutely aware of my place in the class. I have been working hard at not letting my privilege show. I am sorry to say it is hard to do. Society is skewed toward white privilege. 

I make a conscious effort to be kind, treat people with respect and lead by example. Do I slip up yes. Do I say or do the wrong things yes. However, more times than not I am aware of my environment and check what I say or do. I am kept in check by my wife, my counsellor, my support network, my stepchildren  and most importantly my 4 year old grandson. You have all been a great source of comfort and support. You keep my anger at bay, my mental health in check. One of the hardest things to overcome is lying down trying to sleep and my anxiety kicks in and my mind races all over the place preventing sleep from occurring.

You know my triggers and signs so that I don’t go down that rabbit hole. 

I came close several times. Twice I said I want to check out. Once I had a plan. Thankfully these thoughts and emotions didn’t last long. My mantra for 2020 was to be kind. I think I succeeded more days than not with this. 

My mantra for 2021 is to not create drama in my life. Happy New Year everyone.