One Year On

 March 11, 2020 the world changed. It is too soon to determine if it is for the better or not. On this day the World Health Organization (WHO) announced COVID-19 as a pandemic. It was also the day that sports, arts, entertainment came to a screeching halt. 

My work life didn’t change I was deemed essential. I work in healthcare. My personal life changed. No more volunteering, no more eating out, no more visiting friends, no more nights on the town. Not like I did much of that anyway.  I couldn’t even fake it if I wanted to. 

My life involved work, coming home to Netflix, comfort food and wine shandies. Wearing a mask, social distancing while shopping. Would go 3 weeks without filing the car with gas. Didn’t go anywhere except work, home, shopping for groceries and the liquor store. Travel became a distant memory. Driving to work would take 10-15 min, instead of the usual 20-30. No traffic. Signs of the apocalypse everywhere. Maybe my stepdaughter was on to something. 

My anxiety and depression were at all time highs. Especially when I tried to go to sleep my mind raced a million different ways and when I did sleep my dreams were intense. I woke up in a sweat. My counsellor and doctor appts were FaceTime or phone visits. I didn’t like either of these options, however didn’t have a third option. 

As the months dragged on I became scared of the future and wanted to check out several times. Thankfully, fleeting moments, no plan or longer thoughts of suicidal ideation. I took comfort in work even with the processes changing almost weekly. Yet I felt guilty that I was working when so many other people lost their livelihood. No sports, entertainment or volunteering, I became immersed in the show South of the Border. Oh my what a theatrical production. One man had a plan. The other was trying every trick in the book to re-elect himself at the same time destroying the great country around him. The country became divided and reached a racial and societal reckoning. 

I took comfort in social media. The good, the bad and the ugly of it. People were sharing their wonderful stories of hope, courage, survival and at the same time other people were trying to scam you out of your savings. My support network expanded and I would check in on them on a regular basis. I would look forward to the interactions with my grandson and stepdaughter. Hearing their voices would bring a smile to mine and my wife’s faces for days and would long for the next interaction. Hearing the 4 greatest words “ I Love You Grampa “. Nothing is finer. 

Last night my anxiety cranked up a notch to a new level. I had to get up take a sleep aid or two and calm down. For me one of the ways to relax is watching Forensic Files and releasing some inner tension. It helped. As I write this my mind is racing and yet I feel sad. A genuine sadness reflecting on the year that was. I am anxiously awaiting word of my eligibility turn for the vaccine. Even though I work in healthcare. I have no direct patient care except via phone or video. Therefore not eligible yet. 

I turned 57 last week. Some days like today I feel all 57 of the years. Overall, I feel about 5-10 years younger than my age. Tonight I feel blah, low, no energy. It has been a long year. A lot has happened and still will happen. I will take the good with the bad. The blah and the ha. One year on, one year older, one year wiser.