Choices, Chances, Changes

 So far 2025 has not been the greatest for me. I was sick with cold, flu, probably bronchitis, laid me up for about 3 weeks. As a result my mental health bottomed out. It cratered so much that I didn’t even tell anybody especially my wife until January 22. Why. Well it is the stigma when you are low you don’t feel like anyone can help you. 

I know it is not good to think this way. I have lots of positive people in my circle I can reach out to. I didn’t avail myself on anyone which impacted my recovery. My wife offered

comfort, compassion and support like she always does. I phoned my grandson and hearing his sweet voice say those magic words “Hi Grampa, I love you” melts my heart every time. Last week at work one of my colleagues said everything okay you look down. At the moment, I said I am okay. Little later went up to her and said thank you and explained how my mental health had taken a toll. We talked and felt better. Reaching out is so important. 

I am on a week’s vacation staycation. Working on me practicing self care and enjoying quality time with my sweetheart. I went to the library, gathered some books and delved into them. Something soothing and comforting about reading books. 

I am also thinking about the future. If everything falls into place I am retiring this year. Not entirely though, I have seen too many people retire without a plan and their whole body and mind start to falter. I don’t want that to happen. I have passions, dreams, goals to achieve and tons of life to live. I have a great life, surrounded by a wonderful family and great friends from many aspects of my life. My mental health will continue to be a work in progress and hopefully next time I will reach out before I bottom out. That is one of my goals to not feel like no one can help. In fact the reality is I have lots of people to reach out and connect with. 

My best life is ahead not behind

Here I stand on the precipice of turning 60. I have been so looking forward to this day. I do not feel, nor look nor act 60. I feel, look and act twenty years younger. Since the calendar turned 2024 I have been counting down the days until now. One day away. 

My wife is getting sick of all the sixty attention I am bringing on myself. The reality is I truly did not think I would ever see this day come. I was so full of anger, resentment, fear, frustration and hatred. 

One day about 10 years ago, I came to terms with where I was at in life and vowed to change. What happened, I embraced my mental health recognized that I deal with anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I was open about and told everyone. By accepting my mental health I started to heal and change my whole outlook on life. 

I recognized that some people in my life were very toxic and needed to shed them from my life. This was a multi year process and have overcome. As I shed some people, others saw the positive change in me  and embraced me for who I am.

I gained a whole new family and friends. My wife Shelley was the most positive influence along with her kids and our amazing grandson. I never knew the importance of being a positive role model for someone could impact one’s whole life.

One of my mantra’s became, “Do what is right and be accountable for your actions”

One of my social media friends a lady I went to high school with commented on a recent post of mine by saying “ love the smile”. Oh my. I always had trouble smiling. I rarely did because I didn’t think I had anything to smile for. This comment was so reaffirming for me. It shows how far I have come. Thank you thank you.

One of my goals this year has been to work on my frustration level. I would be so quick to go there. I have added the words “ Oh Well” for every moment I become frustrated. So far so good.  Still working on it however, getting much better and less frustrated. 

I am also learning to “Embrace the Possibilities “ that life has to offer and only controlling what I can control. I am living my best life right now. The future is bright. 

Here’s to a great 2024 and Oh Well. As I enter my 60th year the best is yet to come. Love you all. 

2023 What A Year

 As we close out 2023, time for some reflection. It has been an impactful year on many fronts. I am very blessed to have many many important relationships/friendships that keep my balanced and are value adds to my life. 

I redeveloped a lost friendship in March, was a long time coming. I took the risk and reached out. Thank you CM. 

I continue to nurture and love my beautiful family. My wife keeps my on my toes. My children via marriage are continuing to blossom into upstanding and great young adults each creating there own niche. My grandson spent the entire summer with us and showed me a different side of Winnipeg. Found so many gems that I didn’t know about. Since he went home in August, I admit there was some pinning to hear his lovely voice and my mental health was impacted until I talked to him again. 

We continue to embrace our relationship with True North and love working there. We have become valued and respected employees and made some awesome friendships. The best memories from Canada Life Centre this year was the first home playoff game I attended since Game 4 1990 Dave Ellett double overtime game winner. Walking into to a an all white arena. We have a white out theme during playoffs and every seat had  a white towel draped over it. Too bad the game ended in a double OT loss. How prophetic The concerts KISS, Seinfeld and Lee Brice were my favourites. Special events Disney on Ice was the top. I did tear up during Moana and Frozen.

At the end of the year a very heavy work related situation was lifted off my shoulders. When the final aspect played out I could feel the burden being lifted off and felt free for the first time in many years. Going forward I want to continue to blossom and enhance work possibilities. I am also gearing up for retirement less than two years away hopefully. I took the plunge and paid for parking at work. First time in my healthcare career. Stress free for sure.

In August, our car died and we had anxiety ridden days for about a week. We quickly pivoted and in October welcomed a brand new car called Triumph. So far a match made in heaven.

Like every year there is great loss. Personally lost a good friend and soccer mentor TT. Friends lost family members and are struggling. Famous people we lost included Bud Grant, Tony Bennett, Gordon Lightfoot, Rosalyn Carter, Sandra Day O’Connor and Shelley’s favourite simply the best Tina Turner. 

Few volunteer opportunities presented this year however next year, I have already laid the groundwork for more opportunities. I know that when I don’t volunteer my mental health takes a hit. Making a difference in someone’s life has endless rewards.

My mental health ebbs and flows. It is a process everyday. I learn more about myself when the blips happen. My goal moving forward is to keep the blips to a minimum and work at not having them become more than blips.

I will continue to advocate for openness with mental health. Nothing to be ashamed about. We all struggle at certain aspects of our life. Being open makes us stronger not weaker. If anyone tells you otherwise it’s their shame not yours.

Love to you all and here’s to a great 2024.

Dog Days of Summer

 The middle of July is always especially hard for me. In different years of course, however, in the span of a week I lost an uncle, my dad, my best friend and my mother. Most years I am able to recognize and be aware of the day. This year it hit me pretty hard. I missed work and generally felt a heaviness around me.  

Our grandson is staying with us and I was trying particularly hard to try not to let him see me in pain. However, it was impossible. On the anniversary of my father’s death I had several meltdowns. I took him to Wal-Mart for toys. It is a treat for him. After paying we walked to the car, put the bag in the car buckled him in and realized I couldn’t find my phone. We went back into the store traced our steps and couldn’t find the phone. As we are walking back to the car Ollie says “Grandpa it has to be in the car”. Sure enough it was in the bag in the backseat. Feeling fragile we drove home.

We went to the playground and I lost my way getting there drove around the neighbourhood twice trying to find the playground which we have been to on a regular basis. My father’s wife called to reminisce and I got lost in the conversation. I was supposed to work a concert that night. I called in and stayed close to home with my grandson. The next day I was still unsettled from the previous day, although less so and missed another day at work. 

Monday was rough as I was wrought with emotion and grief and had a bad day at work. I decided that I needed a mental health day so the next day took one. I went to lunch with a good fried friend. I took Ollie with me. It was a day of the reflection remembering my best friend. One of the things Mike loved to do was go to our local watering hole. He would refer to this time as choir practice, his father was a priest. We would go sometimes the two of us or with a group of friends. We would attempt to solve the worlds problems over adult beverages. 

I went to our local watering hole and ordered two beers one for me and one for my friend. The server looked at me strangely because they were totally different beers. I told her one is for me and the other one was for my friend. When I was leaving the server asked me about my friend. I said he was with me in spirit. The beer was left untouched.

The next day was the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s passing. The last number of years of her life I was estranged from her. My choice. I came to terms with my past and the negative influence my mother played in it. I am at peace over her now. It took me awhile. I am aware of the day and that is about it. No guilt, no shame, no emotion, no grief.

I am blessed to have many wonderful people in my life who helped me get through this hard week and each hard moments I have. It is so great having our grandson here. He is the best boy in the world. Yes I am biased. 

I take my mental health seriously and recognize at any moment it can sneak up and bite me and drag me down. Part of being aware of my own mental health ups and downs I am also an advocate for good mental health overall. I am blessed to have an employer who offers a free Employee Assistance Program. I am aware of and make good use of this valuable resource. I am available to assist with others who are going through stuff. Everyone goes through stuff. 

We are not alone and we are also available to lend our time. Two loves of my life. 

Child's Play

 We are blessed to have our grandson staying with us this month. He is such a great kid 7 going on 40. He is smart, intelligent, creative, kind, compassionate and wise beyond his years.

Yesterday, I took him to the playground and watched him play. Play he did, climbing up down and all around the various aspects of the structure. 

There were other children at the playground, kids his age, some younger, some older and he started interacting with them and playing with them. They would climb, run, slide, create games.

It was freeing to watch and freeing for him to just be a kid. I sat and watched with tears rolling down my face, why because I am so blessed to have this little man in my life. He has taught me so much. He has taught me how to love unconditionally, how to be compassionate and show empathy.

As I watched I reflected back on my own childhood experiences which for the most part were not pleasant. Around the same age as Ollie I was playing at a playground and they had something called monkey bars which were these metal bars twisted together in a dome like structure. I started to climb these and fell off them. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed. I ended up with a bump on my head and a scar under my chin and decades of fear.

For the coming days, weeks and years after this event I was in constant fear of these bars and to a greater extent the whole playground experience. The presence of fear was placed over me that these playgrounds were dangerous and bad things can happen be visiting them.

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to overcome my fear of the playground. It wasn't until Ollie came along and I recognized that the only fear is the fear we place on ourselves. Is there an inherent risk yes. However, we don't need to get hung up about this risk.

Back to the present watching Ollie and the other kids, at one stage they found a tennis ball and started playing catch when one of the boys left, Ollie invited me to play catch with him and the others. 

So often we get hung up on all the stresses of life that we forget to create time to play and just be a kid.

Trying to put a Square Peg Into a Round Hole

 Today I donated blood. My 42nd donation. Ten years ago my wife who regularly donates asked me to come with her while she donated. I was hesitant and wasn’t sure if I was even eligible. I am Type 2 diabetic and thought I wasn’t eligible. 

I trusted her and went to see and sure enough I was eligible. Another fear that turned out to be nothing. The experience was positive and the donor associate said thank you for donating and your donation will save 3 lives. 

A simple act that takes less than an hour from start to finish could be so meaningful and life altering. Apart from my arm bruising up no other issues. The arm bruise was probably my body reacting to pint blood loss. No other issues from donating and wish more people would donate. 

I tell everyone and post every donation on social media. I hope I have encouraged other people to donate. The need is great and real. 

This is one opportunity experience that worked out. Another situation did not end up as positive. 

Several years ago an opportunity was presented to me. I tried it out, worked hard at it and became proficient at it. A couple of months ago I had a meltdown during this opportunity and was removed and public shamed. I knew I had made mistakes. However, there were other ways of handling the situation that would have left me in a better place. 

I vowed revenge and even plotted revenge. I didn’t act. I believed in karma and what goes around comes around. In addition, my counsellor said why were you trying to fit into a place that wasn’t for you. Like a square peg in a round whole. 

The epiphany occurred and realized my anger was misplaced and chalked it up to a great learning experience that I was never going to fit into it. 

The wisdom of others. The openness on my end to accept the wisdom of others has guided me through many rough moments over the last several years. It is important to try things and if they work great, if they don’t. Simply move on. 

When one door closes another always opens. The caveat is to see when the door is open. 

The Affair

 Five years ago the love affair started. Like all affairs they start innocently enough and continue to be life changing. This affair is different. It was encouraged and supported by my soulmate. She was totally in favour of it and glad it happened and continues to happen.

May 30, 2017 changed my life. On this day Kelsey and Oliver came to visit. I was at work when they arrived, Shelley kept me up to date with

second play by play. I couldn’t wait for the day to be done. It was hard to concentrate on work knowing that I was being picked up from work by my wife, daughter and grandson. 

I would be seeing my grandson for the third time ever. I was so excited I could barely focus on finishing the day. Finally 4pm came and they were waiting out front for me. I got in the backseat looked over at my grandson and he was fast asleep. I guess he wasn’t as excited to see me as I was him. Boy I had a lot to learn about being a Grandparent. 

That night after a great dinner we were back home hanging out. I was in the reclining chair and along comes Oliver crawling to in front of me. He stretches out his tiny arms and I pull him up onto my chest. We cuddle and he falls asleep on my chest. 

I thought I had died and gone to heaven. What a joyous moment. It was at that moment that the love affair started. We bonded and became best buds. 

He is now six and hearing the magic words Grampa I love you. I will not get tired of hearing those words. Ollie you are becoming a great little boy. So full of live and love. You have blessed me in ways you will never know yet understand.  

Whenever I am in your presence all my concerns, issues go away. My mental health is strong and I feel like I can do anything and deal with anything thrown at me. My love for you is eternal. It has been a great ride which will continue. Until we meet again. 

Love Grampa

Freedom

 This word has been used a lot recently and not always correctly. Correct examples of freedom are Allied troops liberation of occupied countries and concentration camps during WW11. Prisoners released from custody and not recommitting crimes. Nelson Mandela being freed from prison on February 11, 1990 after 27 years. 

Survivors of narcissistic people finally cutting the strings and becoming free. I am in this category. Under the narcissist spell my life was not mine. My ideas thoughts were not accepted. My feelings were enmeshed with the narcissist. I took on their heartache. I became their surrogate. 

Relationships were skewed and not real. I felt insecure, fearful, scared and afraid to be independent. Was constantly looking for approval in all the wrong places. I had a hard time saying no. I wanted to please everyone. If I didn’t I considered it a failure. One way for me to escape was to lie. To create elaborate stories about my life and I would live these lies. 

As a result creating boundaries was fruitless. I would not honour them or the narcissists would walk all over them. Several years ago a switch occurred within me thanks to special friends in my life. I started believing in them and what they were telling me about the narcissists in my life. 

Through their words, my actions, help of professionals I found my strength to gain back control of my life. To cut the strings and be free. It wasn’t just this it was believing in myself that I can have healthy, meaningful, unconditional relationships. 

The one person I started believing in was myself. I would tell myself I love myself. I pushed back against the narcissists. Setting appropriate boundaries and resetting them for my well-being, mental and physical health. 

In discussion with my counsellor early this week we talked about boundaries. Healthy and unhealthy boundaries. The boundaries I put up around myself to keep others out and to prevent myself from moving forward hindered my growth. I now have positive boundaries and keep those that can harm me at a distance with boundaries which I control. 

The key word was freedom. Having healthy boundaries and relationships is freeing. Freedom to do and say what I want within reason. The freedom to be. Freedom is a choice. 

We live in society with rules, regulations, restrictions and laws. We can respect these and still have our freedom. The pandemic has been a real challenge of our boundaries and freedom. My circle (bubble) has chosen to respect these parameters. Has it been tough the last 2 years. Definitely, have we thought of giving up. Perhaps. Is there light at end of the tunnel. Sure. Being the silent majority during the pandemic has been difficult yet necessary. 

These so called protesters and their convoy’s have proven that freedom is definitely a choice. They see the man dates, restrictions as an infringement on their freedom. Yet they made the choice to not abide by the mandates. They are acting like the school yard bully ranting and raving. It’s like whoever yells the loudest. 

The silent majority will prevail. The macho bravado can only last so long. It’s like the narcissist, remove the oxygen from their path and they will starve themselves. 

From Darkness To Light

 There are 4 common reactions to situations and I have perfected all of them. Not always in a good way. I learned about the 4rth one earlier this week. The reaction of Fawning. Fawning is a response rooted in trauma. Bending over backwards to please someone.

It is immediately reacting to try to please others to avoid any conflict. Otherwise known as people pleasing. This was me for most of my life. 

I am starting to break away from this however, when it has been deep rooted and ingrained it’s going to take some time and therapy. 

I was under the spell of a narcissistic parent. This parent was manipulative, bullying and at a young age I absorbed the feelings and emotions and became enmeshed. It was hard because I grew up not fully experiencing life. I was always concerned of not making the parent angry or upset. I would agree with the parent. I was more concerned of making the narcissistic parent happy than taking care of myself. 

My interactions with a certain gender suffered. My relationships suffered. I became a broken person. I was led to believe to be afraid and scared of everything. This parent made it seem that they were the only one who could save and rescue me. This parent lorded it over me by buying me things and going on trips which neither of us could afford. As a result I ended up with money issues. Credit card debt. I became ashamed of and only now am I actively getting a handle on this. 

I had an inclination that something wasn’t right with all this. However, I was too entrenched to see the light at the end of tunnel. It wasn’t until 12 years ago that I met a wonderful lady who helped me see the light and is still leading me out of darkness. 

One of the best things that ever happened to me was being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I now knew what I was dealing with all those years ago. 

From darkness to light I keep moving forward and I recognize the 4 prominent reactions Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn and the role they play in my life and how I react to situations. 

Check out this website mindbodygreen.com

Athletes Using Their Platforms

 Over the last couple of weeks professional athletes have been in the spotlight for other things rather than their sport of choice. To note, Kirk Cousins and Aaron Rodgers are very talented football players and have become polarized figures for a simple reason. A reason that I disagree with. They have made the choice to be non vaccinated and to the detriment of their team and fellow players. 

Not to mention Mr. Rodgers played games with the media and his team giving false information about his vaccination status. Even breaking league rules by appearing in public without a mask. Kirk Cousins missed a key game that had his team won would have prolonged their playoff possibilities by a week.

They both chose at key times of the season to put themselves ahead of the team. They were self serving and exercised their white male privilege. Whether you like it or not you are role models for the next generation and the message you are sending is that rules don’t matter period. Being selfish is important in advancing your own self worth. Caring about personal gain rather than team gain.

In my lifetime I have been involved in many teams, sports, work, volunteer situations and many times I have put the team ahead of self for the greater good. I pride myself on being the consummate team player. Always willing to help out.

At a time when more and more people are taking mental health breaks from their profession. Many athletes have taken a step back from competing this past year. Simone Biles the GOAT of gymnastics recognizing during the Olympics something wasn’t right and took a step back. Two fantastic female tennis players also took mental health breaks Naomi Osaka and Bianca Andrescu. Naomi was heavily scrutinized for her decision initially. Liz Cubbage a leader on the Australian Women’s basketball team recognized that the athletes village at the Olympics was a conducive environment for her mental health. Many of the world’s top cricketers have taken mental health breaks. Calvin Ridley top running back for the Atlanta Falcons stepped away mid season.

Whatever the reason for taking a break, recognize it and react to the time away in a positive manner. Your physical and mental health will thank you. I

am ready to go back to work after taking my own mental health break. 

How did I spend the time? To be honest the week around Xmas was the toughest. Outside of that I have attended peer support groups, had an EAP session, have a professional appt tomorrow, got vaccine boosted and donated blood. Checked in daily with close friends and leaned on them as well as my wife for emotional health and support.

Listen to your body. If you need time away take it. Nobody will feel less of you and it is sign of strength not weakness. Stop putting yourself ahead of the greater good. Get vaccinated. 

Spinning My Tires

 Last Monday December 27, I went out to run an errand about 7 pm. Instead of running the errand, I got stuck in the soft snow. Had to have 3 people push me unstuck. To exacerbate the situation a car was parked in the fire lane which made it awkward for me to get a running start out of my spot. My anxiety was increasing by the second. 

When you are stuck in snow one of two things happen. You either spin your tires and go nowhere except digging a bigger rut. Or you can go forward a little back a little and rock the car. This is how you get unstuck. It worked for me. I decided not to continue the errand. I parked and started to go back inside the building. The person who had parked in the fire lane came out of the building. I said to him thanks for parking in the fire lane and causing me to get stuck. We both said choice words to each other. 

Shelley said where have you been, I told her the sordid detail. I was still worked up and took it out on Shell for no reason other than I was riled up. It caused tension between us for the next 20 hrs. I slept on the couch that night.  

As a result of our conflict I came to the realization courtesy of Shelley assistance that I am very selfish and can be very unkind and changes needed to be made if we were to continue.  The next day I started a kindness and gratitude journal. It was easy to start as I had my 40rth blood donation this day. Felt exhilarated, grateful and blessed. I asked the donor assistant if she gave blood and she offered she couldn’t however was a recipient of donated blood. The rest of day people mentioned to me that they have been recipients of donated blood. 

Shelley said I have been kinder, less selfish and most importantly she hasn’t had to yell at me. Just like the car getting stuck we have choices. We can keep spinning the wheels and dig a bigger hole or we can rock the car back and forth for a solution  I know which way is easiest and less hostile. 

A Very Unmerry Christmas

 I am glad that Christmas is done for another year. I was really looking forward to it this year. Our grandson and daughter were going to be here for it. We had taken him to the Winter Wonderland and the Zoo to see the glorious light display. Played in the snow. Ollie decorated and the first time in years we put up a Christmas tree. I even decorated my cubicle at work. 

Everyone at work knew me as the office Scrooge. Yeah I wore it with a badge of honor. This year was going to be different. It is hard to be a Scrooge with a 5 year old going on 40 grandson. So I pivoted and I liked it. I felt on top of the world. One of my colleagues said when you talk about your grandson your eyes light up, voice is animated and have a smile of genuine happiness. Yes definitely. I love talking about my grandson. He is the best and always will be. Am I slightly biased, definitely. 

Than it all went sideways. For reasons unknown, our daughter decided she wanted to go home. Let’s say it wasn’t a friendly leave, there was acrimony and animosity and harsh words. They left. The day before they left. I asked her if anything could change her mind and what I can do to support her. She didn’t answer the first question, for the second one she ask me to drive her to the border. Well that wasn’t going to happen. 

The next day I went to work and felt my anxiety increase by the minute. I felt like if anyone said anything to me I would tell them to f…off. A couple of my colleagues noticed something not right. Not a good feeling to have. I saw my Nurse Practitioner the next day and she granted me a mental health break. I am on leave until early January. 

The main emotion I feel is sadness. Overwhelming sadness. Tears have welled up several occasions. It has been real hard, sleep has been affected, daily living has been affected even more so than COVID. My wife is feeling the same way. 

Christmas Eve and Day was tough. We didn’t feel like doing anything. We thought albeit briefly about canceling our annual Sals feast. We went ahead with it and as usual was exceptional. Lasted 3 meals. Sadness prevailed all day. Oh what could have been. I messaged our daughter to see if we could FaceTime with Ollie. No response. It hurts, sucks. We are praying and holding out trust that the situation will improve in 2022. 

I went to a peer support group last week and will go again this week. EAP appointment next week and Psychologist appt the following week. Trying to keep busy. My wife had me move furniture around yesterday and change positions of the furniture already moved around. 

Thankfully we have wonderful support networks. I have been in contact with KB and DK on a daily basis. Thank you and love you both. 

When I have idle thoughts the emotion is sadness. Have tried to keep myself busy. Practicing self care. It is not always working. My wife and I have had some choice moments. 

I want to be well enough to return to work in the new year. Have some work to do to ensure this happens. 

Being Free

 We are blessed to have our exceptional grandson with us. He is so free and full of love and joy. The other day we were playing in the snow for several hours. We made snow angels, had a snowball and stick fight. 

He says let’s pretend we are pirates seeking treasure. He had buried his Spider-Man toque in the snow and now we had to find it. It didn’t take us long. He loves inventing games to play and also he loves Pokémon.  He said did you see the Pokémon let’s catch it. I went along and soon we are both catching imaginary objects and pretending to see things that are not there. Or are they. 

I marvel at my Grandson every day. He is 5 and a half going on 40. His mom calls him my adult child. I was telling the Outreach Worker at work about Ollie and she says I can see your face and voice light up when you mention his name. 

How instinctive playtime is. I started thinking back to my childhood and sadly can’t remember playing in the snow. No building snowman, no snowsuit. I see now how much fun I missed out on. That evening we went to see the Winter Wonderland lights. It was only -4 so I wore shorts. I could hear my mothers voice saying put on some pants it’s too cold to wear shorts and I will not let you go outside dressed like that. 

I am watching Ollie play quietly around our home.  Being so good and so respectful. Inventing games and seeing them play out. Not a care in the world. I wish I were a 5 year old again. Life was so much simpler.

When You Least Expect It…

 That is when depression rears it’s head and kicks you where you don’t want it. This happened to me today, on what was a happy day. My favourite sports team had a dominant win over there most hated rival. On what was the 11 anniversary of me being diagnosed with depression. A day that helped change my life and lead me to be the person I am today. More confident, less angry, and much happier person. 

My wife and I were watching her favourite sport curling. Our favourite team was playing against our least favourite team and what started out as one sided ended up being a closer score than needed. Our team won. Watching the game I became triggered and starting yelling at the tv, calling out names unsuitable for regular conversation. 

I was not me, I was the old me. It set me into a bad path for the next several hours. I was triggered. What I have come to know is that certain types of people trigger me. It can be their presence, their words or actions. It can last hours like today or days. 

My wife and I talked it out and I went out and got some comfort food. Thank you comfort food. I trust my wife wholeheartedly. She always seems to have comforting words. Today and 11 years ago. That day changed my life. I became aware that I was dealing with depression undiagnosed and it was not an attractive look on me. 

Depression does not have a road map. It does have an agenda. It’s agenda is to trip you up. To make your life miserable. To tell you that you are not worthy, you are terrible, you are not loveable. It spews negative thoughts inside your head. It can be relentless. It comes out of nowhere to rear it’s ugly head. Sometimes I can recognize it like today and other times not so much and it lasts several days before I recognize it.

I have learnt to embrace it and accept it and deal with it and most importantly not let it win. However, long that takes. Next time I may not be as fortunate as today. 

Define Oneself

 I bought the bottom cup in June 2020, I think I am a pretty good Grampa and the person who it matters the most thinks I am pretty cool. In early 2021 the cup broke and was not salvageable. It was a sad moment to pick up the pieces and throw the mug away. What didn’t get thrown away was and is the special bond I have with my Grandson and memories.

For this year’s Father’s Day I bought the top cup and the first day I took it to work I hit the rail on the stairs and the handle broke. I thought for a second about throwing it out. Instead I took a picture and said to myself this is a metaphor for life. 

To say I am the Best Dad Ever is completely false. I am not even a Dad. I inherited two beautiful, creative and talented adults. One who has given us a beautiful grandson. Yes I now call my wife’s kids my daughter and son. Love them to the moon and back. 

I believe that we are all perfectly imperfect people. Flaws, warts and all and no one is the best or most perfect person. In fact, I like to tell whoever listens that the only perfect people are six feet under and they didn’t get there by being perfect. People who say they are perfectionists are fooling themselves. We all make countless mistakes each day. Only a few are noticed and rarely cause any harm or are serious enough to have a negative outcome. 

If you have ever seen the excellent movie Apollo 13, they called the mission a successful failure. The astronauts made it safely home after an accident, however, they didn’t reach the moon which was their goal.

I love my grandson and he knows I am not perfect. We have a great bond. The cup reminds me everyday that we are a work in progress striving to do the best we can each day.

What Is Your Secret?

 I was asked this question by a work colleague last week. I knew exactly what she was referring to. You see over the last 3 months, I have lost between 12-15 pounds. It is noticeable and this is what she was referring to. 

So What Is My Secret? Well a combination of things. I started a new med which one of the benefits is weight loss. I have been watching what I have been eating and drinking. More protein, less carbs. Drinking lots of water no juice, little soft drinks. I am walking and take the stairs at work. All of this has produced a positive change.

Today I weighed 184 the lowest in about 20 years. Every set of pants has to be worn with a belt or else pants will fall down. I have started wearing some shirts that were once too tight across the chest. 

I know one’s weight fluctuates between 2-5 pounds every day. I also know that weighing oneself everyday is not good either. I know lifestyle plays a huge part. I know that mental health also plays a huge role. I am in a good place right now.

I also know it is a process everyday. I have to take the good with the bad. 

Do I have work to do? Definitely, however, each day I am stepping toward the light at the end and it gets brighter with each step. 

The secret is no more. I am 12-15 pounds lighter and it feels like I am a 100 pounds lighter. 

Wisdom of a Five Yr Old

 This is my 200th blog post and we have just finished spending 3 weeks with our 5 yr young Grandson. The best boy in the world. We are just a little biased. 

Every day brought new wonder and joy. One of his favourite things was to walk a km to the play park. He called it the Nature Park. He went on the swing, climbed on the structure, went down the slide, played in the sandbox. He made friends with all the kids at the park. Whenever a new boy or girl would arrive he would go up and introduce himself and soon they were old friends.

Watching children play is so freeing. They don’t have a care in the world. They make up games, play old favourites like hide and seek and tag. We as parents or in our case Grandparents stood by happily watching them play. He would fall down and he would say I am okay and give the thumbs up. When it was time to leave we would ask him how much longer and he would say 16 or 19 minutes. Somehow he would know when the time was up and be ready to go. 

The same scenario would play out at the splash pad. Grandma would say you are going to get wet and he would say Grandma I got wet very wet with a huge smile on his face. Watching children play is a beautiful endeavour. 

Why do we feel the need to screw this up as they get older?

He loves watching Paw Patrol, Pokémon, Sonic X on Netflix. I learned about Pokémon and Pikachu and still have no clue. He loves to climb and build. Fearless and resilient. 

From feeding geese from our balcony to blowing bubbles. To standing on the balcony when it was smoky telling people and the geese to stay inside and be safe. Caring, compassionate and light years ahead of his age. He is also a great antidote for depression and anxiety. Our mental and physical health improved when he was here. We both lost weight and felt better mentally and emotionally.

The things he would say are definitely out of the mouths of babes. From “Grampa Do You Know What Time It Is, It’s Popcorn Time. To Grandma I Don’t Like It When You Wear Just Feet”. 

I showed him some pictures of me as a little boy and he tells his Mom; “ Did You Know That Grampa Was Once My Age”. 

He has gone back home now and whenever we are missing him we recall one of the countless memorable moments we made and look forward to our next visit. We Love our Little Man. 

People Who Need People…

 Over the last couple of weeks there have been horrific displays of hatred on a local, national and international stage. 

Last week a friend got on an elevator at the second floor to go down to the main floor. This older lady (a true battle axe) said to her you are fat and lazy for not walking down one flight of stairs. My friend started crying. The lady said get over yourself. What a nasty insensitive comment to make. Nobody deserves to be publicly shamed for any reason. I hope this lady looks deep in the mirror and gains some insight into her behaviour. I know it is wishful thinking.

The other night in Canada three generations of a family were out for a summer stroll when they were deliberately targeted by a pickup truck driven by a 20 yr old male. Only a 9 yr old boy survived. They were Muslim. How did this 20 yr obtain so much hate and disdain for people of colour and ethnicities. His life is ruined as was the family he targeted. What about the 9 yr old boy. The impact this tragedy will have on his life going forward. 

Naomi Osaka the top earning female athlete in history had to withdraw from a major tennis tournament because of her refusal to attend media sessions after her matches. Citing her depression and anxiety and deciding to prioritize her mental health over answering what most likely would have been inane questions. 

Admitting frailty is a sign of strength not weakness. She knew the type of questions would be similar to what she was asked about after winning the US Open last fall. She wore a different mask for each of her seven matches. Each mask highlighted a different victim of racial injustice in the USA. Did each of the victims want to be lightning rods. No, they all wanted to go home, lead productive lives and live their lives.

She was asked what message she was sending by wearing each mask. Her answer was the masks speak for themselves. Good on her. She is an amazing gifted talented athlete. She doesn’t not need to be shamed for who she is. 

We need to accept people for who they are and recognize that everyone is living a story we know nothing about. It’s simple Be Kind To Everyone at all times. Respect everyone. Do not shame or target anyone because of how they look, the colour of their skin, their ethnicity. “ Why Can’t We All Just Get Along”

Their is too much hatred, white privilege, and narcissism in the world. We know better so we can do better

Name It, Don’t Numb It

 May was Mental Health Awareness month and the slogan was Name It Don’t Numb It. So here we go. I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. I was formally diagnosed 11 years and put on medication. I am on Fluoxetine more commonly known as Prozac.  

This past 15 months has been a kick in the stomach. I can honestly say F..k COVID-19. However, here we are still complying with public health ordinances and staying within our bubble with my wife and I. Good thing we love each other very much. We have been each other’s rocks. We have pulled each other up on more occasions than we can count on all of our fingers. We have not turned on each other. Have we had our moments, for sure. 

The hardest part is not being able to do our regular activities like volunteering, visiting friends, and travelling. We miss our son and daughter and especially our grandson. Can hardly wait.

I work in the healthcare system and have been deemed essential and gone and continue to go to work. My role has stayed the same, the methodology behind my work has changed. We have been creative to continue to provide the great service to our clients. The nurses, health care aides, outreach workers, admin, doctor’s and managers have been very supportive and we have become a very close knit unit. 

My depression kicks in when I come home and don’t feel motivated to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. I do 5-10 minutes of vacuuming or cleaning and that’s it all I can handle. Sone days the dishes pile up and so does the laundry. 

My anxiety kicks in when I lay down to sleep and my mind races to every and anywhere. In order to sleep I take a sleep aide. Or I awake at 3 in the am and can’t go back to sleep. Makes for a long day. Prone to irritable and irrational thoughts and actions. I resort to releasing some inner tension. It works.

Over the last 2 months I made the decision to seek professional help. I have seen a psychologist and I have made a good connection with him.  I am delving into my past for a better future. 

I grew up the youngest of 3 boys and I was treated as the idiot little brother. I grew up being afraid and scared of everything. I was made to be insecure. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. My brothers talked over me and my mother ranted and raged about being a scorned women deserted by her husband. 

My father left when I was 15 and I became enmeshed with my mother. She stifled my growth, my feelings  which made it hard to develop lasting relationships especially with women. I feel like I have been trampled on as a result I have chronic low self esteem. 

The last several years I have been changing and for the better. It wasn’t until 5 years that I learned about unconditional love from my grandson. My wife has been my soulmate, a great support and is my voice of reason. I have changed my support network and have wonderful friends. One of the biggest awakenings was coming to terms that family is not blood. It is whoever is there for you when you are at your lowest. 

My motto for last year was to be kind, this years motto is don’t create drama where none exists. Each day I am following these mottos and most days I am succeeding. I will keep on Naming it not Numbing it by being open and authentic.

Power of the People

 The past two weeks have proven on multiple levels and many forms that the power of the people can enact change. 

Darnella Frazier is the young teenager who pulled out her cell phone and started videotaping the police officers brutal force and murder of George Floyd. Her video which went viral and was seen millions of times all over the world and also helped convict the police officer of 3 charges. 

The official police department release was that a man had a medical episode while in police custody. Without this young lady’s video the police officer would never have been charged and fired. 

Last week the 12 richest soccer clubs in the world proposed a breakaway Super League which would have created massive wealth for the clubs and would have gouged the fans with overinflated ticket prices and merchandise. 

Supporters of the clubs especially in England rose up and protested their team’s involvement in this endeavour. Players of the teams also sided with the supporters and as quickly it was announced the league gave up on their intentions. Executives lost their jobs and were portrayed as greedy, narcissists who failed to gauge their supporters and players. Now the English teams are asking for a 50+1 rule where the supporters will have a say in the ownership of the team. It has worked very well in the German leagues. 

A group of 10-12 people in Ontario started a website where people can share their COVID stories. The site is myCOVIDstory.ca. We all have incredible stories of dealing with pandemic. Some have been tragic and heartbreaking. Many have been about our mental, emotional health and how it has wavered. 

Now the third wave is here. Nothing to do with Toffler’s third wave. My mental health has been all over the map. Right from day one of the pandemic, I was deemed essential and went into the office. I felt guilty about this when so many people lost their jobs or had their hours drastically reduced. Businesses were shuttered. 

As the months wore on I faked being well, people don’t fake being ill. I saw loved ones falling apart and at times I felt absolutely helpless. It was as if I had no fight in me. No fight in me to support my friends. I was numb to it. 

I checked in with friends and family on a regular basis as best as possible. At times, I did want to check out. Only fleeting thoughts. One of the activities that was good for my mental health was volunteering and like everything else the opportunities ceased. 

If it wasn’t for my wife, stepchildren, my grandson, friends and work colleagues I don’t know where I would be. They are my lifeline. Thank you. 

We will pull through this. The fatigue has deeply set in. Vaccines are here. I got mine. We are strong and will only get stronger. The power of the people will carry us through.