People Who Need People…

 Over the last couple of weeks there have been horrific displays of hatred on a local, national and international stage. 

Last week a friend got on an elevator at the second floor to go down to the main floor. This older lady (a true battle axe) said to her you are fat and lazy for not walking down one flight of stairs. My friend started crying. The lady said get over yourself. What a nasty insensitive comment to make. Nobody deserves to be publicly shamed for any reason. I hope this lady looks deep in the mirror and gains some insight into her behaviour. I know it is wishful thinking.

The other night in Canada three generations of a family were out for a summer stroll when they were deliberately targeted by a pickup truck driven by a 20 yr old male. Only a 9 yr old boy survived. They were Muslim. How did this 20 yr obtain so much hate and disdain for people of colour and ethnicities. His life is ruined as was the family he targeted. What about the 9 yr old boy. The impact this tragedy will have on his life going forward. 

Naomi Osaka the top earning female athlete in history had to withdraw from a major tennis tournament because of her refusal to attend media sessions after her matches. Citing her depression and anxiety and deciding to prioritize her mental health over answering what most likely would have been inane questions. 

Admitting frailty is a sign of strength not weakness. She knew the type of questions would be similar to what she was asked about after winning the US Open last fall. She wore a different mask for each of her seven matches. Each mask highlighted a different victim of racial injustice in the USA. Did each of the victims want to be lightning rods. No, they all wanted to go home, lead productive lives and live their lives.

She was asked what message she was sending by wearing each mask. Her answer was the masks speak for themselves. Good on her. She is an amazing gifted talented athlete. She doesn’t not need to be shamed for who she is. 

We need to accept people for who they are and recognize that everyone is living a story we know nothing about. It’s simple Be Kind To Everyone at all times. Respect everyone. Do not shame or target anyone because of how they look, the colour of their skin, their ethnicity. “ Why Can’t We All Just Get Along”

Their is too much hatred, white privilege, and narcissism in the world. We know better so we can do better

Name It, Don’t Numb It

 May was Mental Health Awareness month and the slogan was Name It Don’t Numb It. So here we go. I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. I was formally diagnosed 11 years and put on medication. I am on Fluoxetine more commonly known as Prozac.  

This past 15 months has been a kick in the stomach. I can honestly say F..k COVID-19. However, here we are still complying with public health ordinances and staying within our bubble with my wife and I. Good thing we love each other very much. We have been each other’s rocks. We have pulled each other up on more occasions than we can count on all of our fingers. We have not turned on each other. Have we had our moments, for sure. 

The hardest part is not being able to do our regular activities like volunteering, visiting friends, and travelling. We miss our son and daughter and especially our grandson. Can hardly wait.

I work in the healthcare system and have been deemed essential and gone and continue to go to work. My role has stayed the same, the methodology behind my work has changed. We have been creative to continue to provide the great service to our clients. The nurses, health care aides, outreach workers, admin, doctor’s and managers have been very supportive and we have become a very close knit unit. 

My depression kicks in when I come home and don’t feel motivated to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. I do 5-10 minutes of vacuuming or cleaning and that’s it all I can handle. Sone days the dishes pile up and so does the laundry. 

My anxiety kicks in when I lay down to sleep and my mind races to every and anywhere. In order to sleep I take a sleep aide. Or I awake at 3 in the am and can’t go back to sleep. Makes for a long day. Prone to irritable and irrational thoughts and actions. I resort to releasing some inner tension. It works.

Over the last 2 months I made the decision to seek professional help. I have seen a psychologist and I have made a good connection with him.  I am delving into my past for a better future. 

I grew up the youngest of 3 boys and I was treated as the idiot little brother. I grew up being afraid and scared of everything. I was made to be insecure. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. My brothers talked over me and my mother ranted and raged about being a scorned women deserted by her husband. 

My father left when I was 15 and I became enmeshed with my mother. She stifled my growth, my feelings  which made it hard to develop lasting relationships especially with women. I feel like I have been trampled on as a result I have chronic low self esteem. 

The last several years I have been changing and for the better. It wasn’t until 5 years that I learned about unconditional love from my grandson. My wife has been my soulmate, a great support and is my voice of reason. I have changed my support network and have wonderful friends. One of the biggest awakenings was coming to terms that family is not blood. It is whoever is there for you when you are at your lowest. 

My motto for last year was to be kind, this years motto is don’t create drama where none exists. Each day I am following these mottos and most days I am succeeding. I will keep on Naming it not Numbing it by being open and authentic.

Power of the People

 The past two weeks have proven on multiple levels and many forms that the power of the people can enact change. 

Darnella Frazier is the young teenager who pulled out her cell phone and started videotaping the police officers brutal force and murder of George Floyd. Her video which went viral and was seen millions of times all over the world and also helped convict the police officer of 3 charges. 

The official police department release was that a man had a medical episode while in police custody. Without this young lady’s video the police officer would never have been charged and fired. 

Last week the 12 richest soccer clubs in the world proposed a breakaway Super League which would have created massive wealth for the clubs and would have gouged the fans with overinflated ticket prices and merchandise. 

Supporters of the clubs especially in England rose up and protested their team’s involvement in this endeavour. Players of the teams also sided with the supporters and as quickly it was announced the league gave up on their intentions. Executives lost their jobs and were portrayed as greedy, narcissists who failed to gauge their supporters and players. Now the English teams are asking for a 50+1 rule where the supporters will have a say in the ownership of the team. It has worked very well in the German leagues. 

A group of 10-12 people in Ontario started a website where people can share their COVID stories. The site is myCOVIDstory.ca. We all have incredible stories of dealing with pandemic. Some have been tragic and heartbreaking. Many have been about our mental, emotional health and how it has wavered. 

Now the third wave is here. Nothing to do with Toffler’s third wave. My mental health has been all over the map. Right from day one of the pandemic, I was deemed essential and went into the office. I felt guilty about this when so many people lost their jobs or had their hours drastically reduced. Businesses were shuttered. 

As the months wore on I faked being well, people don’t fake being ill. I saw loved ones falling apart and at times I felt absolutely helpless. It was as if I had no fight in me. No fight in me to support my friends. I was numb to it. 

I checked in with friends and family on a regular basis as best as possible. At times, I did want to check out. Only fleeting thoughts. One of the activities that was good for my mental health was volunteering and like everything else the opportunities ceased. 

If it wasn’t for my wife, stepchildren, my grandson, friends and work colleagues I don’t know where I would be. They are my lifeline. Thank you. 

We will pull through this. The fatigue has deeply set in. Vaccines are here. I got mine. We are strong and will only get stronger. The power of the people will carry us through. 

Powerless

 Last week my wife had a panic attack. I was scared, petrified and powerless. Powerless to help. Powerless    to make it stop.

I was scared for myself and for my wife. I was scared because I didn’t know what to do, say or act. I was scared of being harmed. I was scared of my wife harming herself. I was scared of myself. I was scared of flying into rage. 

I yelled stop it. I felt myself getting angrier and angrier. I wanted her to stop and by yelling at her I hope that would accomplish it. It didn’t, I felt the blood boiling. I needed a time out. We both needed a time out.

My wife became grounded which enabled the panic attack to stop.

What I had to have happen was to stop, allow her to breath, catch her breathe. Offer support. Touch her gently and be with her. To take my cues from her and go at her pace while she worked through it.

 I needed to have my emotions in check. This was not about me, however, it became about me. We talked about it and I learned that what worked this time may not work the next time and not make it about me. 

It was scary. I was scared. Now I know what was happening and can act in a different way next time. When we know better we do better. 

One Year On

 March 11, 2020 the world changed. It is too soon to determine if it is for the better or not. On this day the World Health Organization (WHO) announced COVID-19 as a pandemic. It was also the day that sports, arts, entertainment came to a screeching halt. 

My work life didn’t change I was deemed essential. I work in healthcare. My personal life changed. No more volunteering, no more eating out, no more visiting friends, no more nights on the town. Not like I did much of that anyway.  I couldn’t even fake it if I wanted to. 

My life involved work, coming home to Netflix, comfort food and wine shandies. Wearing a mask, social distancing while shopping. Would go 3 weeks without filing the car with gas. Didn’t go anywhere except work, home, shopping for groceries and the liquor store. Travel became a distant memory. Driving to work would take 10-15 min, instead of the usual 20-30. No traffic. Signs of the apocalypse everywhere. Maybe my stepdaughter was on to something. 

My anxiety and depression were at all time highs. Especially when I tried to go to sleep my mind raced a million different ways and when I did sleep my dreams were intense. I woke up in a sweat. My counsellor and doctor appts were FaceTime or phone visits. I didn’t like either of these options, however didn’t have a third option. 

As the months dragged on I became scared of the future and wanted to check out several times. Thankfully, fleeting moments, no plan or longer thoughts of suicidal ideation. I took comfort in work even with the processes changing almost weekly. Yet I felt guilty that I was working when so many other people lost their livelihood. No sports, entertainment or volunteering, I became immersed in the show South of the Border. Oh my what a theatrical production. One man had a plan. The other was trying every trick in the book to re-elect himself at the same time destroying the great country around him. The country became divided and reached a racial and societal reckoning. 

I took comfort in social media. The good, the bad and the ugly of it. People were sharing their wonderful stories of hope, courage, survival and at the same time other people were trying to scam you out of your savings. My support network expanded and I would check in on them on a regular basis. I would look forward to the interactions with my grandson and stepdaughter. Hearing their voices would bring a smile to mine and my wife’s faces for days and would long for the next interaction. Hearing the 4 greatest words “ I Love You Grampa “. Nothing is finer. 

Last night my anxiety cranked up a notch to a new level. I had to get up take a sleep aid or two and calm down. For me one of the ways to relax is watching Forensic Files and releasing some inner tension. It helped. As I write this my mind is racing and yet I feel sad. A genuine sadness reflecting on the year that was. I am anxiously awaiting word of my eligibility turn for the vaccine. Even though I work in healthcare. I have no direct patient care except via phone or video. Therefore not eligible yet. 

I turned 57 last week. Some days like today I feel all 57 of the years. Overall, I feel about 5-10 years younger than my age. Tonight I feel blah, low, no energy. It has been a long year. A lot has happened and still will happen. I will take the good with the bad. The blah and the ha. One year on, one year older, one year wiser. 

March Forward

March is my favourite month. Why?  It is my birthday month. I will be 57. Yes not even concerned that everyone knows my age. Age is just a number, I feel about 10-15 yrs younger. I was asked by someone today about retirement. As long as I have my health I have another 8-10 years before retiring. My magic 80 is in 3 years time in my 60th year. Maybe I will go at that time. I love my career. It is challenging, stimulating and impactful. I am making a difference in people’s lives because of my work. I have a wonderful staff of 6 healthcare aides. The nurses, outreach, doctors, admin and managers I work with as well are all creative, talented professionals. We treat each other with respect and as professionals and have a good time doing it. 

The last year during the pandemic have been challenging. It seemed like every other week we were modifying our service model to fit the changing environment. We were deemed essential and went to work when a lot of people were being laid off. I often felt guilty about this. We were prescreened before we could enter the building. Masks are mandatory unless at our desk. The adjustments were and are constant. 

I am physically healthy. Mentally and emotionally I waver all the time. My mental health is tenuous at the best of times. Add the last year, and more often than not I want to burst into tears. I only fleeting thought about checking out twice. One of the things I have dearly missed has been physically volunteering at events and with my favourite organizations. I miss going to schools and sharing my mental health journey.  I miss the sporting and special events I volunteer for. 

I have become a very open person. In fact I have been accused by some people close to me of over sharing. To that I say crap on you. Last year Manitoba was supposed to be celebrating their 150th birthday. One of the events was honouring Manitoba’s 150 best volunteers which I was named one of. I was notified of this honour on March 2 and had to sit on this announcement for almost a full year. Man that was hard. 

Now the cat is out of the bag. I am incredibly humbled and stoked to be recognized for this. I thank my wonderful wife for the fantastic comprehensive nomination she submitted for me. I thank her also for her guidance, wisdom, strength, support, love and tolerance. She has helped me come to terms with my Depression and anxiety. She is amazing. Thank you for all your love. I am thankful to my amazing support network for always being there and holding me accountable. Love you all. 

2020 was an unbelievable year in so many ways. My mantra was to be kind always. For the most part I achieved this. 

There were moments when I started going down the rabbit hole of depression. In these moments I was everything except kind. My mouth run amok. My attitude, demeanour was so low I did not want to interact with people, I was afraid of what I might say or do. I was a real shit. Felt like I was before Shelley, intolerable to be around, no fun, angry, miserable with a huge unnecessary chip on my shoulder. Thankfully these dark moments did not last more than a few days. 

I hope the end of the pandemic is in sight. When we look back we will see the positives and how the world will have changed for the better. I hear “can we go back to normalcy”. Perhaps however masks and social distancing are the new normal. I long to travel again and what will that look like. I long to visit and hug my Grandson and hear those 4 beautiful words in person “I love you Grampa” 

I have come a long way in my mental health journey. I am embracing all aspects of it and hope to improve on my advocacy for better mental health. Actions and words are powerful. Be kind, supportive and respectful at all times. 

March is a month of change inspiration hope and renewal. Embrace it. It is also Women’s history month. So many wonderful, inspiring women who have come before us and will continue to lead us. My stepdaughter and wife are two of the finest, strongest, courageous women in the world today. Love you immensely. 

Finding My Courage

 This past week we were witnessed to a serious proceeding which turned into a circus sideshow. The impeachment trial of #45 Dumpster Fire was superbly laid out by the 9 House Impeachment Managers. The case they outlined was detailed and comprehensive and would have provided a verdict of impeachment. 

However, the Republicans 43 of them who are so shortsighted in their ideology, thinking, actions chose to acquit based on a constitutional technicality. The leader of this band of corrupt politicians Mitch McConneell voted to acquit because it was unconstitutional to impeach a President who is no longer in office. You hypocritical disingenuous POS. Your delay created this situation. Than to say on TV to whoever was listening after the vote that #45 sparked the insurrection  

How dare you Gaslight the world. The people most prone to gaslight are narcissists. People with Narcissistic behaviour only care about themselves and don’t care about the damage, harm physically, emotionally and mentally they inflict on their victims. 

As someone who suffered for years at the hands of a narcissistic parent I know all too well. What was painfully obvious to the outside world I did not see it or want to see it. The enmeshed meant left me with tons of insecurity, difficulty relating to people especially women. I was shy introverted with periods of verbal rage. I did not care who I hurt or what I said at times. 

About 11 years I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and some of the healing began. It has been a long haul and uphill battle to positive progress. Therapy with a counsellor and psychologist, changing my support network, cutting people out of my life, embracing my mental health and sharing my story. One of the most important people who helped me truly move forward have been my incredible wife. Her wisdom, insight and assessment skills gave me the framework to embrace my recovery. The other person has been my 4 year old grandson. We have been besties since the day I first held him as an infant. He taught me how to love unconditionally with no strings attached.  The other day he said the 4 greatest words “ I LOVE YOU GRAMPA “  

Yes I have experienced gaslighting at its finest. This gaslighting of the American public has to stop. It is harmful and hurtful and creates unnecessary outcomes for people who deal with mental health issues. 

The Dumpster Fire who masqueraded as #45 created this by saying I could shout a person on 5th avenue and not be held accountable. His barrage of lies, conspiracy theories, misinformation, has created a bunch of lemmings in the Republican Party. He has emboldened groups that promote hate, racism and violence to crawl out from under the rocks they were from. Yes January 6 was the Dumpster Fire’s creation. He lit the fire and his followers took the match and ran with it. 

This past week to not hold him accountable is the ultimate in Gaslighting led by McConnell and followed blindly by Graham, Hawley, Cruz, Cotton, Tuberville and all the others who voted No to impeachment. 

Thank you for nothing. Not surprised at the outcome from the party who impeached Clinton for lying about getting a BJ in the Oval Office. I guess infidelity is wrong and insurrection is right. 

I am glad I live in Canada. Mr Biden you have a tough job ahead of you. God speed Sir. Here is the beauty the reason the Republicans voted No they were concerned about the repercussions for future elections. The unemployment line awaits. I would take any of the 9 impeachment house managers to defend me if I ever needed it.