The Affair

 Five years ago the love affair started. Like all affairs they start innocently enough and continue to be life changing. This affair is different. It was encouraged and supported by my soulmate. She was totally in favour of it and glad it happened and continues to happen.

May 30, 2017 changed my life. On this day Kelsey and Oliver came to visit. I was at work when they arrived, Shelley kept me up to date with

second play by play. I couldn’t wait for the day to be done. It was hard to concentrate on work knowing that I was being picked up from work by my wife, daughter and grandson. 

I would be seeing my grandson for the third time ever. I was so excited I could barely focus on finishing the day. Finally 4pm came and they were waiting out front for me. I got in the backseat looked over at my grandson and he was fast asleep. I guess he wasn’t as excited to see me as I was him. Boy I had a lot to learn about being a Grandparent. 

That night after a great dinner we were back home hanging out. I was in the reclining chair and along comes Oliver crawling to in front of me. He stretches out his tiny arms and I pull him up onto my chest. We cuddle and he falls asleep on my chest. 

I thought I had died and gone to heaven. What a joyous moment. It was at that moment that the love affair started. We bonded and became best buds. 

He is now six and hearing the magic words Grampa I love you. I will not get tired of hearing those words. Ollie you are becoming a great little boy. So full of live and love. You have blessed me in ways you will never know yet understand.  

Whenever I am in your presence all my concerns, issues go away. My mental health is strong and I feel like I can do anything and deal with anything thrown at me. My love for you is eternal. It has been a great ride which will continue. Until we meet again. 

Love Grampa

Freedom

 This word has been used a lot recently and not always correctly. Correct examples of freedom are Allied troops liberation of occupied countries and concentration camps during WW11. Prisoners released from custody and not recommitting crimes. Nelson Mandela being freed from prison on February 11, 1990 after 27 years. 

Survivors of narcissistic people finally cutting the strings and becoming free. I am in this category. Under the narcissist spell my life was not mine. My ideas thoughts were not accepted. My feelings were enmeshed with the narcissist. I took on their heartache. I became their surrogate. 

Relationships were skewed and not real. I felt insecure, fearful, scared and afraid to be independent. Was constantly looking for approval in all the wrong places. I had a hard time saying no. I wanted to please everyone. If I didn’t I considered it a failure. One way for me to escape was to lie. To create elaborate stories about my life and I would live these lies. 

As a result creating boundaries was fruitless. I would not honour them or the narcissists would walk all over them. Several years ago a switch occurred within me thanks to special friends in my life. I started believing in them and what they were telling me about the narcissists in my life. 

Through their words, my actions, help of professionals I found my strength to gain back control of my life. To cut the strings and be free. It wasn’t just this it was believing in myself that I can have healthy, meaningful, unconditional relationships. 

The one person I started believing in was myself. I would tell myself I love myself. I pushed back against the narcissists. Setting appropriate boundaries and resetting them for my well-being, mental and physical health. 

In discussion with my counsellor early this week we talked about boundaries. Healthy and unhealthy boundaries. The boundaries I put up around myself to keep others out and to prevent myself from moving forward hindered my growth. I now have positive boundaries and keep those that can harm me at a distance with boundaries which I control. 

The key word was freedom. Having healthy boundaries and relationships is freeing. Freedom to do and say what I want within reason. The freedom to be. Freedom is a choice. 

We live in society with rules, regulations, restrictions and laws. We can respect these and still have our freedom. The pandemic has been a real challenge of our boundaries and freedom. My circle (bubble) has chosen to respect these parameters. Has it been tough the last 2 years. Definitely, have we thought of giving up. Perhaps. Is there light at end of the tunnel. Sure. Being the silent majority during the pandemic has been difficult yet necessary. 

These so called protesters and their convoy’s have proven that freedom is definitely a choice. They see the man dates, restrictions as an infringement on their freedom. Yet they made the choice to not abide by the mandates. They are acting like the school yard bully ranting and raving. It’s like whoever yells the loudest. 

The silent majority will prevail. The macho bravado can only last so long. It’s like the narcissist, remove the oxygen from their path and they will starve themselves. 

From Darkness To Light

 There are 4 common reactions to situations and I have perfected all of them. Not always in a good way. I learned about the 4rth one earlier this week. The reaction of Fawning. Fawning is a response rooted in trauma. Bending over backwards to please someone.

It is immediately reacting to try to please others to avoid any conflict. Otherwise known as people pleasing. This was me for most of my life. 

I am starting to break away from this however, when it has been deep rooted and ingrained it’s going to take some time and therapy. 

I was under the spell of a narcissistic parent. This parent was manipulative, bullying and at a young age I absorbed the feelings and emotions and became enmeshed. It was hard because I grew up not fully experiencing life. I was always concerned of not making the parent angry or upset. I would agree with the parent. I was more concerned of making the narcissistic parent happy than taking care of myself. 

My interactions with a certain gender suffered. My relationships suffered. I became a broken person. I was led to believe to be afraid and scared of everything. This parent made it seem that they were the only one who could save and rescue me. This parent lorded it over me by buying me things and going on trips which neither of us could afford. As a result I ended up with money issues. Credit card debt. I became ashamed of and only now am I actively getting a handle on this. 

I had an inclination that something wasn’t right with all this. However, I was too entrenched to see the light at the end of tunnel. It wasn’t until 12 years ago that I met a wonderful lady who helped me see the light and is still leading me out of darkness. 

One of the best things that ever happened to me was being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I now knew what I was dealing with all those years ago. 

From darkness to light I keep moving forward and I recognize the 4 prominent reactions Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn and the role they play in my life and how I react to situations. 

Check out this website mindbodygreen.com

Athletes Using Their Platforms

 Over the last couple of weeks professional athletes have been in the spotlight for other things rather than their sport of choice. To note, Kirk Cousins and Aaron Rodgers are very talented football players and have become polarized figures for a simple reason. A reason that I disagree with. They have made the choice to be non vaccinated and to the detriment of their team and fellow players. 

Not to mention Mr. Rodgers played games with the media and his team giving false information about his vaccination status. Even breaking league rules by appearing in public without a mask. Kirk Cousins missed a key game that had his team won would have prolonged their playoff possibilities by a week.

They both chose at key times of the season to put themselves ahead of the team. They were self serving and exercised their white male privilege. Whether you like it or not you are role models for the next generation and the message you are sending is that rules don’t matter period. Being selfish is important in advancing your own self worth. Caring about personal gain rather than team gain.

In my lifetime I have been involved in many teams, sports, work, volunteer situations and many times I have put the team ahead of self for the greater good. I pride myself on being the consummate team player. Always willing to help out.

At a time when more and more people are taking mental health breaks from their profession. Many athletes have taken a step back from competing this past year. Simone Biles the GOAT of gymnastics recognizing during the Olympics something wasn’t right and took a step back. Two fantastic female tennis players also took mental health breaks Naomi Osaka and Bianca Andrescu. Naomi was heavily scrutinized for her decision initially. Liz Cubbage a leader on the Australian Women’s basketball team recognized that the athletes village at the Olympics was a conducive environment for her mental health. Many of the world’s top cricketers have taken mental health breaks. Calvin Ridley top running back for the Atlanta Falcons stepped away mid season.

Whatever the reason for taking a break, recognize it and react to the time away in a positive manner. Your physical and mental health will thank you. I

am ready to go back to work after taking my own mental health break. 

How did I spend the time? To be honest the week around Xmas was the toughest. Outside of that I have attended peer support groups, had an EAP session, have a professional appt tomorrow, got vaccine boosted and donated blood. Checked in daily with close friends and leaned on them as well as my wife for emotional health and support.

Listen to your body. If you need time away take it. Nobody will feel less of you and it is sign of strength not weakness. Stop putting yourself ahead of the greater good. Get vaccinated. 

Spinning My Tires

 Last Monday December 27, I went out to run an errand about 7 pm. Instead of running the errand, I got stuck in the soft snow. Had to have 3 people push me unstuck. To exacerbate the situation a car was parked in the fire lane which made it awkward for me to get a running start out of my spot. My anxiety was increasing by the second. 

When you are stuck in snow one of two things happen. You either spin your tires and go nowhere except digging a bigger rut. Or you can go forward a little back a little and rock the car. This is how you get unstuck. It worked for me. I decided not to continue the errand. I parked and started to go back inside the building. The person who had parked in the fire lane came out of the building. I said to him thanks for parking in the fire lane and causing me to get stuck. We both said choice words to each other. 

Shelley said where have you been, I told her the sordid detail. I was still worked up and took it out on Shell for no reason other than I was riled up. It caused tension between us for the next 20 hrs. I slept on the couch that night.  

As a result of our conflict I came to the realization courtesy of Shelley assistance that I am very selfish and can be very unkind and changes needed to be made if we were to continue.  The next day I started a kindness and gratitude journal. It was easy to start as I had my 40rth blood donation this day. Felt exhilarated, grateful and blessed. I asked the donor assistant if she gave blood and she offered she couldn’t however was a recipient of donated blood. The rest of day people mentioned to me that they have been recipients of donated blood. 

Shelley said I have been kinder, less selfish and most importantly she hasn’t had to yell at me. Just like the car getting stuck we have choices. We can keep spinning the wheels and dig a bigger hole or we can rock the car back and forth for a solution  I know which way is easiest and less hostile. 

A Very Unmerry Christmas

 I am glad that Christmas is done for another year. I was really looking forward to it this year. Our grandson and daughter were going to be here for it. We had taken him to the Winter Wonderland and the Zoo to see the glorious light display. Played in the snow. Ollie decorated and the first time in years we put up a Christmas tree. I even decorated my cubicle at work. 

Everyone at work knew me as the office Scrooge. Yeah I wore it with a badge of honor. This year was going to be different. It is hard to be a Scrooge with a 5 year old going on 40 grandson. So I pivoted and I liked it. I felt on top of the world. One of my colleagues said when you talk about your grandson your eyes light up, voice is animated and have a smile of genuine happiness. Yes definitely. I love talking about my grandson. He is the best and always will be. Am I slightly biased, definitely. 

Than it all went sideways. For reasons unknown, our daughter decided she wanted to go home. Let’s say it wasn’t a friendly leave, there was acrimony and animosity and harsh words. They left. The day before they left. I asked her if anything could change her mind and what I can do to support her. She didn’t answer the first question, for the second one she ask me to drive her to the border. Well that wasn’t going to happen. 

The next day I went to work and felt my anxiety increase by the minute. I felt like if anyone said anything to me I would tell them to f…off. A couple of my colleagues noticed something not right. Not a good feeling to have. I saw my Nurse Practitioner the next day and she granted me a mental health break. I am on leave until early January. 

The main emotion I feel is sadness. Overwhelming sadness. Tears have welled up several occasions. It has been real hard, sleep has been affected, daily living has been affected even more so than COVID. My wife is feeling the same way. 

Christmas Eve and Day was tough. We didn’t feel like doing anything. We thought albeit briefly about canceling our annual Sals feast. We went ahead with it and as usual was exceptional. Lasted 3 meals. Sadness prevailed all day. Oh what could have been. I messaged our daughter to see if we could FaceTime with Ollie. No response. It hurts, sucks. We are praying and holding out trust that the situation will improve in 2022. 

I went to a peer support group last week and will go again this week. EAP appointment next week and Psychologist appt the following week. Trying to keep busy. My wife had me move furniture around yesterday and change positions of the furniture already moved around. 

Thankfully we have wonderful support networks. I have been in contact with KB and DK on a daily basis. Thank you and love you both. 

When I have idle thoughts the emotion is sadness. Have tried to keep myself busy. Practicing self care. It is not always working. My wife and I have had some choice moments. 

I want to be well enough to return to work in the new year. Have some work to do to ensure this happens. 

Being Free

 We are blessed to have our exceptional grandson with us. He is so free and full of love and joy. The other day we were playing in the snow for several hours. We made snow angels, had a snowball and stick fight. 

He says let’s pretend we are pirates seeking treasure. He had buried his Spider-Man toque in the snow and now we had to find it. It didn’t take us long. He loves inventing games to play and also he loves Pokémon.  He said did you see the Pokémon let’s catch it. I went along and soon we are both catching imaginary objects and pretending to see things that are not there. Or are they. 

I marvel at my Grandson every day. He is 5 and a half going on 40. His mom calls him my adult child. I was telling the Outreach Worker at work about Ollie and she says I can see your face and voice light up when you mention his name. 

How instinctive playtime is. I started thinking back to my childhood and sadly can’t remember playing in the snow. No building snowman, no snowsuit. I see now how much fun I missed out on. That evening we went to see the Winter Wonderland lights. It was only -4 so I wore shorts. I could hear my mothers voice saying put on some pants it’s too cold to wear shorts and I will not let you go outside dressed like that. 

I am watching Ollie play quietly around our home.  Being so good and so respectful. Inventing games and seeing them play out. Not a care in the world. I wish I were a 5 year old again. Life was so much simpler.