Evolution Under Construction

I am enjoying one of my favorite holidays, American Thanksgiving by watching football. It provides me with the opportunity to reassess and reenergize and look forward to 2017.

Last week I reflected on what would have been my father's 87th birthday. I drink scotch 2x a year, his favorite drink to his memory. Once on his birthday and once on the anniversary of his passing. He has been gone now for 11 years and miss him more and more each day. He loved history, current events and sports (the real football Chelsea was his favorite team).

I would of loved to ask him questions about the US election and his take on how a msogynist, racist, bully and blowhard is President elect. His insight as this vote came to fruition would have been valuable knowledge moving forward.

In the last 10 years of his life I understood him and worked hard to reignite a relationship with him. I stepped out of my comfort zone and stopped listening to other people's and my own viterol.

When I first started dating my partner, I thought I did not want her to meet my father had he been alive. My father like all of us had his flaws and one of his flaws was he liked women and had a wandering eye. He would bat his eyes at pretty women when I was with him in public. Because of my own flaws I was intimidated by pretty women.

I was extremely jealous, lacked confidence and didn't know how to talk to women. I went on a lot of first dates, not too many second or third dates. I was even stood up on several blind dates.

This is not to say I didn't have girlfriends because I did. I would somehow find a way to screw things up. By being jealous or just being a shit. I wad always trying to hard to please and not being myself.

The ironic thing is all but 2 of my former girlfriends I am friends with on social media. Do I guess I couldn't of been that much of a shit or else why are they friends with me on social media.

My current partner Shelley or Shell going on 6 and  1/2 years now, I feel like I hit the mother lode. We complete each other. She brought me out of my shell (pardon the pun) and showed me what you present to the world you will get back. She also showed me how to confront my demons and to stand up for myself.

When we first started dating I was angry, irritable and clearly in a rut going nowhere. My father told me to take risks and see where they take you. This is what I did with Shell when I asked her out via email. I am thankful every day that she accepted my request. She later told me she never turned down a date request when she was single.

About 4 months in we were out for a walk when she stopped me and said I think you are low grade depression. It made sense, all of the anger, irritability, outbursts and mood swings. I was depressed and had been depressed for many years going back to my teenage years when my parents seperated.

The layers of the onion were being peeled off and I was recalling all of these moments from the last 30+ years except now I added the context to them.

October 24, 2010 was a watershed moment. The recovery started and continues to be...