July is always a tough month. A month of heavy hearts, reflection and remembrance. In July, my father and my best friend both died within 3 years and 3 days of each other. They both died on Fridays. I used to be afraid and fearful of Friday's in July. Wondering who close to me was going to die next and couldn't wait for the month to end. I walked around on eggshells all month. Not a fun place to be or even good company to be around.
A couple of years ago I changed my attitude about July and embraced it. The fear went away. The memories will always remain, they don't shackle me anymore.
I miss them everyday. I honor their memory by drinking a glass of scotch to celebrate my father's life. For my friend it is a glass of dark beer. I feel their prescence around me all the time. I am comforted by this knowing they are shining their love, wisdom and guidance down on me.
Last week was very depressing and bittersweet. Our grandson was staying with us and we took him home to his parents. We love him and his parents so much, we wish that 2 provinces didn't seperate us.
It isn't until he is gone that we realize what a benefit having him with us is to our mental health. It is hard to be depressed in his presence. He brings joy discovery and adventure to our lives. Not to forget the greatest cuddles.
So for a couple of days we moped around lacking energy and devoid of emotion. After a couple of days we realized the pity party wasn't much of a party. Instead we decided to count our blessings rather than our stressings.
Number 1 on this list was our perfect grandson. Just thinking of him fills my heart with joy. I know he is back home and still a bundle of joy. I am going to choose to use my time to planning the next visit with him.
If you look at the calendar to be sad or happy, you will always find reason to be sad. Instead count your blessings and look to your heart.
Monday, 30 July 2018
Friday, 13 July 2018
Creature of Habit
I admit it I am a creature of habit. I like structure and sameness. When I ride the bus I tend to sit in the same rows of seats and if someone else is there I feel out of sorts.My sweetie always interjects " How can you be out of sorts, there is only one of you"?
I am a creature of habit about travel, always like to arrive at the airport hours before the flight. Once I am at the airport, nothing can go wrong, so the earlier the better.
I am unfortunately a creature of habit when it comes to frustration and disappointment. For me it manifests itself in misplaced anger. It doesn't have to be anything significant or major.
Growing up I was taught to be afraid of the bogeyman, the unknown, things lurking in the dark. I often heard words like its not safe to go for a walk by yourself. Be careful out there. Are you sure you are going to be okay? Stick to the main roads, don't accept rides from strangers and dont give rides to strangers. Don't talk to strangers? There is a difference between being cautious and living in fear Most people were taught to be cautious, I was taught to be fearful.
My whole life growing up was living in fear. Why? My parents split up when I was young and I lived with my mother and had 2 older brothers and all of them were overprotective of me and to some extent are still today. I believe that this is when my depression first started.
We have or 2 year old grandson staying with us and he is full of discovery. Loves to explore. My first thought is to stop him from exploring because the world can be a scary place. My more realistic thought is to not stifle his creativity and discovery as long as he is not placing himself in any danger.
I also watch him and wonder when is the fear going to set in. Well frankly I hope it never doses.
I look back at my life and recognize that a lot of positives and success have come from the times when I have taken risks. Like 8 years ago this week, I took a risk and as a result I have the most loving, caring supportive partner anyone could want. I am lucky she allowed me to be in her life.
I have the healthcare position I have because I took a risk 11 years ago with a new department/program. I have great job satisfaction.
Eight years ago, I took a risk by trusting my partner when she indicated that I was suffering from depression and I have embraced it and am open about it. This has led me to speak to school age teens about mental health and create a blog. I do not suffer from depression, I deal with depression.
The next risk I am going to take is to write a book about my journey with depression. Oh yeah and I talk to strangers everyday and even branch out and sit in different seats on the bus.
The world is not scary. the world is full of adventure, risks and discovery. One of my motto's is act like you belong.
I continue to be a work in progress, some days are better than others. Yesterday, I was fearful and afraid and felt like a scared little child/boy. The depression manifested itself into misplaced anger over what turned out to be nothing. Today is a good day. I know it is a cliche, it really is one day at a time.
I am a creature of habit about travel, always like to arrive at the airport hours before the flight. Once I am at the airport, nothing can go wrong, so the earlier the better.
I am unfortunately a creature of habit when it comes to frustration and disappointment. For me it manifests itself in misplaced anger. It doesn't have to be anything significant or major.
Growing up I was taught to be afraid of the bogeyman, the unknown, things lurking in the dark. I often heard words like its not safe to go for a walk by yourself. Be careful out there. Are you sure you are going to be okay? Stick to the main roads, don't accept rides from strangers and dont give rides to strangers. Don't talk to strangers? There is a difference between being cautious and living in fear Most people were taught to be cautious, I was taught to be fearful.
My whole life growing up was living in fear. Why? My parents split up when I was young and I lived with my mother and had 2 older brothers and all of them were overprotective of me and to some extent are still today. I believe that this is when my depression first started.
We have or 2 year old grandson staying with us and he is full of discovery. Loves to explore. My first thought is to stop him from exploring because the world can be a scary place. My more realistic thought is to not stifle his creativity and discovery as long as he is not placing himself in any danger.
I also watch him and wonder when is the fear going to set in. Well frankly I hope it never doses.
I look back at my life and recognize that a lot of positives and success have come from the times when I have taken risks. Like 8 years ago this week, I took a risk and as a result I have the most loving, caring supportive partner anyone could want. I am lucky she allowed me to be in her life.
I have the healthcare position I have because I took a risk 11 years ago with a new department/program. I have great job satisfaction.
Eight years ago, I took a risk by trusting my partner when she indicated that I was suffering from depression and I have embraced it and am open about it. This has led me to speak to school age teens about mental health and create a blog. I do not suffer from depression, I deal with depression.
The next risk I am going to take is to write a book about my journey with depression. Oh yeah and I talk to strangers everyday and even branch out and sit in different seats on the bus.
The world is not scary. the world is full of adventure, risks and discovery. One of my motto's is act like you belong.
I continue to be a work in progress, some days are better than others. Yesterday, I was fearful and afraid and felt like a scared little child/boy. The depression manifested itself into misplaced anger over what turned out to be nothing. Today is a good day. I know it is a cliche, it really is one day at a time.
Monday, 9 July 2018
Actions Have Consequences
A very powerful statement " Actions Have Consequences". These consequences can be both positive and negative. They can affect the masses or a few select people. They can be far reaching or extremely localized.
I have come to understand and appreciate the significance of my actions. Since January 1, my sweetie and I have been compiling a list of all our positive actions. After 6 months we have quite the list.
Conversely some of my actions have ended up with negative consequences. Most significant because of my loose lips I lost a friendship. I said some things that I wish I could take back the minute they come out of my mouth. The damage had already been done.
I am a huge sports fan, in particular, soccer and have been fascinated with the World Cup. Cheering loudly for teams I want to advance and watching the heartbreak and anguish when teams do not win or advance in the tournament. Some players actions have led to their teams failure to advance. Other players actions have led to them crying wolf one too many times and not ending up with the benefit of the doubt in the referees eyes.
On the world stage we have seen the USA President impose tariffs on countries and yet seems bewildered when these countries impose tariffs right back on the USA. His actions have far reaching consequences on a global perspective. Most of them are detrimental.
For me, after losing my friendship I went into a mini tailspin. There is no slippery slope for me I slip into a downward spiral very quickly. It affected my interactions with my sweetie, the negative energy emanating from me can be seen a mile away. Karma can be such a curse. What you put out you get back. Further negative actions on my part only compounded the issue. It affects all aspects of my life. Family, work and social. Sometimes I feel like a powder keg ready to explode. I don't want to.
Negative thoughts pervade my brain, I am at the same time being mindful of watching what comes out of my mouth. It has gotten so bad that my sweetie and I rehearse conversations. I am so lucky to have her in my life as the loving supportive partner.
This is what depression does to me.
I have come to understand and appreciate the significance of my actions. Since January 1, my sweetie and I have been compiling a list of all our positive actions. After 6 months we have quite the list.
Conversely some of my actions have ended up with negative consequences. Most significant because of my loose lips I lost a friendship. I said some things that I wish I could take back the minute they come out of my mouth. The damage had already been done.
I am a huge sports fan, in particular, soccer and have been fascinated with the World Cup. Cheering loudly for teams I want to advance and watching the heartbreak and anguish when teams do not win or advance in the tournament. Some players actions have led to their teams failure to advance. Other players actions have led to them crying wolf one too many times and not ending up with the benefit of the doubt in the referees eyes.
On the world stage we have seen the USA President impose tariffs on countries and yet seems bewildered when these countries impose tariffs right back on the USA. His actions have far reaching consequences on a global perspective. Most of them are detrimental.
For me, after losing my friendship I went into a mini tailspin. There is no slippery slope for me I slip into a downward spiral very quickly. It affected my interactions with my sweetie, the negative energy emanating from me can be seen a mile away. Karma can be such a curse. What you put out you get back. Further negative actions on my part only compounded the issue. It affects all aspects of my life. Family, work and social. Sometimes I feel like a powder keg ready to explode. I don't want to.
Negative thoughts pervade my brain, I am at the same time being mindful of watching what comes out of my mouth. It has gotten so bad that my sweetie and I rehearse conversations. I am so lucky to have her in my life as the loving supportive partner.
This is what depression does to me.
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