Honor, Respect, Remember

I attended a Celebration of Life earlier this week. It was small and intimate and authentic. So often we are afraid to say it like it is. Yet here in a setting which we came together to Honor, Respect and Remember that’s what happened. The first words out of the daughter were we had a complicated relationship and sometimes you were a bitch.

Raw, real and authentic. We got to know the mother warts and all. She led an extraordinary life 88 years, the good the bad and ugly and the journey in between. What a journey it was.

When I go, hopefully at least 30 years from now. I want people telling it like it is, that I did a lot of good for the world, that I could and was a real shit.

We do our best at all times, mistakes happen, we are all flawed, have warts and the best part is we have people to hold us accountable and that all actions have consequences. I want to be challenged, I want to be called on my bullshit. This a good thing.

Earlier in my life I was not called on my bullshit and thus thought I could get away with whatever I wanted. I was a real entitled shit. The sad part is I had nothing to feel entitled about. I know better now and so does my support network. You know who you are and I thank you.

I am glad I found a different way, with beautiful, supportive people who have shown that there is a different way. Life is lived between the dash 1964-

Enjoy, make the most of it and make a positive difference.

Embrace Your Inner Beauty

Today I came across something truly and amazing on social media. A young lady from Newport News Virginia. A mother of 3 children and a Air Force wife and photographer. Her passion is photography and has created a series of women displaying their unique inner beauty.

Many of us myself included struggle to find confidence in their own skin. As a teenager and into my twenties I was ashamed of my body. I have worn glasses since I was eight. If I had a nickel every time someone called me four eyes, I would have several hundred thousand dollars. I also had a severe acne problem that finally cleared in my late twenties.

I grew a beard to hide my acne. I looked even more hideous, however, my thought was it covered my pock marked face. At this time I also started losing my hair. For years I did not like my appearance. This in addition to other situations in my life made me insecure, shy and awkward. Today they call it body shaming.

Society has taught us that males have to be the macho body builder or handsome movie star. Women have to be the size one model. I call crap on this. Beauty is in everyone and everywhere. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It doesn’t matter what colour you skin is, what ethnicity you are, how big or small you are, how tall or short you are. We are all beautiful, we are all of God’s creations.

Body shaming is not appropriate in any manner shape or form. The women in this photographic session are all beautiful. See for yourself at jessfielderphotography.com and embrace your inner beauty.

Welcome to Woodbury

This is the key line in my favourite slot machine game. It occurs when you get the free games. The slot machine is based on the popular tv series “ The Walking Dead”. I have never seen the TV show, however, I enjoy the slot machine and I have won repeatedly on it.

The show is about survival, hope redemption and Zombies.

The graphics in the game are pretty real. Once the free games have been garnered the slot machine moves through the town and then there is an image of the Zombies grappling with arms flaying towards the screen, trying to pull at you to drag you down.

The irony is not lost on me.  There are forces within my life that would rather see me being pulled back down the rabbit hole than see me thrive and succeed. The last 10 years since I was diagnosed with depression this struggle is real. It manifests itself in my head. Two competing forces the positive and the negative. Sometimes the negative wins and I start going down the rabbit hole and being withdrawn, angry, irritable and essentially a real shit of a person. Several weeks ago, my sweetie and I got into a fight. Whenever we fight it usually about my family. For about 48 hours there was tension. I was a wreck. I beat myself up with negative self talk; I was moody, temperamental, seething with rage and afraid that I would explode at any minute like I have done in the past. The last time I did that I lost a good friend and I regret my actions every day. Actions do have consequences.

Most times the positive wins and I am happy, outgoing, supportive loving caring kind person. My life feels complete. Several months ago I befriended a man down on his luck. Billy lives near my office. I see him most days walking with a sign. A sign asking for help. Any type of help. I would talk to him. Ask him how it is. He would tell me. The beauty of Billy is he always has a smile on his face.  His pet name for me is Sunshine. He is the real sunshine. He asked me for money. I didn’t have any to give him. What I had was a bag of clothes, I was going to donate. I offered the bag to him. The only thing was I didn’t see him for several weeks. When I finally saw him he was hurting physically with a smile. I gave him the bag of clothes and 10$. A couple of days later my sweetie and I were driving and saw Billy at his office wearing one of the shirts. My sweetie said it looking better on Billy than it ever did on me. I smiled and felt proud and warm all over.

The beauty of life is that we all are conflicted. We are all in a battle competing between the positive and negative forces around us.  We are all flawed. We are all working on stuff and we cannot do it alone.

I know which way I want to go.

Left the Car Running

I did something that I have never done before. Yes I left the car running. I stopped at a McDonalds for late afternoon coffee and snack. I parked the car went in, ordered and after about 20 minutes reached for my pants pocket and realized the car keys were not there.

My first thought was did I flush them down the toilet. I did not, than I ran out to the car and the car was still there, engine running. I shut the car off and walked confidently back to finish my coffee. Once sitting down I laughed uncontrollably for several minutes.

When I got home I told Shell and she laughed and laughed. How did I do this? What was my mind going through. I can’t explain. I have done some interesting things however this was a first for me.

The only thing to do is laugh about it and learn from it. Stop, look and listen, be aware of one’s environment. Think before acting and at all times be kind and positive.

Years ago I would of been totally beside myself. Panic and fear would have set in pretty early and all the worst possible scenarios would have percolated to the top of my brain. How far I have come. Richard Carlson wrote a book called “ Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff “. It is so very true. We get ourselves worked up essentially over nothing. It is not worth the effort. I have learned the lesson.