Chapters In My Life

I am  a 54 yrs old man.  First of all, I want to tell you how significant that is.  There was a time when I never would admit my age, but now that I'm here, I am counting my days until I get carded at Safeway.  Yes, I want the seniors discount !!  Second of all, as I will tell you, there was a time when I contemplated leaving this Earth.  That is in the past.  In my present, I have a wonderful partner Shelley, her family, a good career in healthcare, a wide circle of friends, activities and interests and one amazing 2 yr old grandson. In my future, I have goals, dreams, and plans. 

And now, my past.  Eight years ago,  my partner and I were walking at the Forks when she stopped and said, I think you have depression. When we got home I looked up information about depression and the signs and symptoms were staring back at me. The light bulb in my brain went off.

 I knew there was something not right with me; I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I saw other people living life effortlessly and that was not me.  I was irritable all the time, angry, withdrawn, impatient, and never really felt a self of contentment.  I was searching. I tried to find it by using money to by material objects and go on trips. I tried to find it by chasing after relationships I had no hope in creating. What this got me was deep in debt and afraid of relationships and commitment. I talked a good game, I wasn’t living a good game. In short, throughout my life, I have been struggling to smile.  

I traced my depression back to the age of 15 when my parents separated and my two older brothers were grown, flown, and on their own.  I, in no way, want to disparage my mother, because I know she was doing the best she could, but, our relationship became enmeshed.  I took on her adult heartache.  I was busy looking after her emotional needs that I became emotional stagnant.  There were very few things my parents had in common, other than their children, but one thing was their irritability.  But, it was more than that.  They were both able to fly off the handle without the slightest provocation.  I was like that.  I thought it was genetic and I had no choice in the matter.  Now, I know it was learned behaviour, meaning that with time and desire, I could learn other patterns.  

A couple of months later I was formally diagnosed with depression. My doctor asked about medication. I said that no, because I believed once you are on meds you never come off. I had stigma and irrational fears around medication.

I decided to be educated and open with my depression. I also tell people I deal with depression and not suffer with it. I have come to understand the power of correct terminology. I told everyone and mostly had people who could relate, only a few people chose not to understand.  I think perhaps those are suffering with their own demons and I hope they have something to give them a nudge like I did, but, I don't judge.  Being judgmental is a sign for me that I need a mental health tune up.  

 I saw a Psychologist and went through Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In the winter of 2014, a course was being offered from CMHA through my work called Living Life to the Fullest. After the course finished I decided I wanted to volunteer in the mental health field. I took Mental Health First Aid and started volunteering at CMHA. This led to me becoming a speaker sharing my story with the Speak Up program. I go to schools middle and high schools, universities and companies to share my story. What an amazing experience. I feel empowered and confident after each time. The students ask insightful and knowledgeable questions. I wish this type of program was offered when I was in grade school. On one occasion I came back to work and one of the nurses asked me about my morning. She said her daughter deals with anxiety and depression. At every corner like minded people exist. After each speech the students ask questions and write comments. The questions are varied and insightful. In my speech I mentioned how I contemplated suicide once and one student wrote in their comment that I am so glad you didn’t carry through because you have so much to share with the world.  Who knew that having depression could be so rewarding??  I have also realized the importance of medication as part of my wellness plan.  

 We have one grandson.  Recently, Shelley was asked if she had six grandchildren.  The reason she was asked is because we both talk about Oliver all the time.  I happen to have a million photos on my phone if you are interested.  Having no children of my own, I didn't know what kind of grandpa I would be.  The first night he crawled up on my knee on my chair and fell asleep in my arms was one of the happiest moments of my life.  I felt I knew what unconditional love was.  Ollie just gives love and is grateful to receive it back.  No strings attached.  Just love.  A hug from Ollie just warms my heart.  Because of Ollie, I am motivated to volunteer and help others.  I don't want Ollie to go through what I did as a teen.  I want to leave the world a better place for Ollie.  

I have chronicled my journey with depression into a blog. I comment on my journey with depression. The good, the bad. The highs and lows. My feelings and fears. My blog is called Struggling to Smile.  Over the past couple of years, especially when I am with Ollie, people have suggested I call it Struggling to Smile No More.  But, I am not going to change the title.  Even though I have come along way, I still have little lapses.  I have to work hard so that they are not relapses.  

I am just so glad that I am open with my depression.  It is a way to connect with people since almost everyone either has dealt with this or has been affected by a family member or friend. As a result I have greater relationships/friendships and I have my debt under control to the point where it doesn’t suffocate me.

Dealing with depression is a daily reality. I am educated and open about my journey. I am prepared to help others with their journey. I understand that I am work in progress and what my core emotions and triggers are. I do not apologize for my behaviour. If I make plans for something and cancel out at the last minute that’s okay. I am starting to appreciate and value life. I love myself and the place I am at in my life. I am thankful for the love of my life, my rock Shelley. For the strong and diverse network of friends. The varied and diverse interests in my life. I am in a good place right now.

I have had a few bad chapters in my book.  I don't dwell and I now choose to skim over them.  But, I am still reading the book of my life and can't wait to see how it all turns out.