This is the key line in my favourite slot machine game. It occurs when you get the free games. The slot machine is based on the popular tv series “ The Walking Dead”. I have never seen the TV show, however, I enjoy the slot machine and I have won repeatedly on it.
The show is about survival, hope redemption and Zombies.
The graphics in the game are pretty real. Once the free games have been garnered the slot machine moves through the town and then there is an image of the Zombies grappling with arms flaying towards the screen, trying to pull at you to drag you down.
The irony is not lost on me. There are forces within my life that would rather see me being pulled back down the rabbit hole than see me thrive and succeed. The last 10 years since I was diagnosed with depression this struggle is real. It manifests itself in my head. Two competing forces the positive and the negative. Sometimes the negative wins and I start going down the rabbit hole and being withdrawn, angry, irritable and essentially a real shit of a person. Several weeks ago, my sweetie and I got into a fight. Whenever we fight it usually about my family. For about 48 hours there was tension. I was a wreck. I beat myself up with negative self talk; I was moody, temperamental, seething with rage and afraid that I would explode at any minute like I have done in the past. The last time I did that I lost a good friend and I regret my actions every day. Actions do have consequences.
Most times the positive wins and I am happy, outgoing, supportive loving caring kind person. My life feels complete. Several months ago I befriended a man down on his luck. Billy lives near my office. I see him most days walking with a sign. A sign asking for help. Any type of help. I would talk to him. Ask him how it is. He would tell me. The beauty of Billy is he always has a smile on his face. His pet name for me is Sunshine. He is the real sunshine. He asked me for money. I didn’t have any to give him. What I had was a bag of clothes, I was going to donate. I offered the bag to him. The only thing was I didn’t see him for several weeks. When I finally saw him he was hurting physically with a smile. I gave him the bag of clothes and 10$. A couple of days later my sweetie and I were driving and saw Billy at his office wearing one of the shirts. My sweetie said it looking better on Billy than it ever did on me. I smiled and felt proud and warm all over.
The beauty of life is that we all are conflicted. We are all in a battle competing between the positive and negative forces around us. We are all flawed. We are all working on stuff and we cannot do it alone.
I know which way I want to go.
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