Depression: A Kick In The Teeth

This month of October has been terrible. Feel like I have been kicked in the teeth I am 55 and experienced pneumonia for the first time. It sucked the life out of me. All the energy I could muster got me to work. And that was all.

On top of that my depression ratchet up several notches to the point where I was starting to believe I had all kinds of ailments and would not recover. When I started feeling better, my depression was having nothing of it. It dragged me down. I missed several days of work.

I hate missing work, I enjoy my career choice and am very good at it. You can only watch so many Law & Order reruns, even Netflix gets stale after a couple of days. I would rather be at work, than I feel guilty that I might be making my colleagues sick. I feel guilty staying home.

I like being busy and active, depression doesn’t want me to be. This past month I have battled with myself to suppress my depression. Some days I feel like I am winning, other days I am losing. On the  days I am losing one minute it’s pneumonia the next it’s cancer, the next it’s headaches

, fatigue and don’t want to get out of bed.

Unless you deal with depression it is hard to explain. Yet sharing it is the best way to end the stigma. On weekends all I want to do is stay in bed or on the couch. My sweetie is extremely supportive and would do anything for me. When she suggests getting some fresh air like a walk, I almost bite her head off at the thought.

I have tried several times to blog my thoughts. The depression says not a chance so I don’t. Even this blog I am taking a chance. I am saying to my depression shove it if ever so briefly. When I am depressed my thoughts, actions and words are tough to remain positive. All I feel like doing is closing the door and screaming at the top of my lungs. This may sound like a good idea a short term solution.

I tell myself to be positive, be kind, you have so much good in your heart and so much to look forward to. My depression tells me “ Talk is Cheap”. This cat and mouse game continues. Some days are good, some are bad. Some days are shitty at every turn and some days are great.

That’s life with depression. I surround myself with a positive network who I reach out to on a regular basis. Having accepted that depression will be a lifelong battle for me gives me hope and keeps me going that better days are ahead.