It messed with every aspect and still is. My worries and fears overcame me and clouded my thinking and feeling with doom and gloom scenarios. All negative what if’s pervaded. Words like can’t, never, and lots of f-sharps. took over. I was frustrated, irritable, mean and judgemental.
Case in point the other day I was bringing in shopping into our building. I was struggling to get the swipe card out and dropped some of the groceries on the ground. Inside the door was a gentleman sitting on the bench. Once I got in and picked up the groceries I almost said “thanks for your help”. Choose not to however, my face showed that I was judging him.
It took Shelley who is always the voice of reason to set me straight. She said you can’t judge him, “ do you know his story”. She was right of course. Judging people is never the answer. I have been on the other side of judgement and it is no fun.
I was in such a bad way that I booked an EAP appt and went on Thursday. They ask the questions and rightfully so, have you thought of harming yourself or others. I admit that the thought about ending it by harming myself was more than a brief thought. Thankfully the thought was fleeting.
I do have lots to live for. I ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in awhile, although we are on social media together. She was buying a birthday card for her son turning 25. I knew him as a little boy and watched him grow up. My friend said how much she enjoys reading my posts and blogs.
The correlation between physical and mental health is so intertwined. Today I ran the gamut of emotions. For a period of a couple hours I felt ill, stomach churning, headache. Felt like leaving for the day. Than I realized I had this wave of doom and gloom and fear. It was a sickening feeling. Just as quickly it came on it went. All it took was a breathe of fresh air to move my car and a phone call with Shelley.
Today I was also remembering 5 years ago, I fell on the ice and broke my ankle. This experience became a watershed moment for me. Motivational speaker Mitchell said “ it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you deal with it”. There have been a lot of things happen to me, sometimes I beat myself up (I am really good at doing this) other times I learn from what happens to me and turn it into a positive.
I am working on doing more of the latter. I am learning to become less frustrated, less judgemental, and not let things get to me. They still do. One thing I am learning to do is to be kind to myself and others.
No comments:
Post a Comment