Trying to Make Friends With My Fears

February 17 was yesterday, first day of vacation, however, it felt anything but a vacation day.  I awoke early 7ish with a strong urge to run into the bathroom, to throw up. That became the trend for the morning either throwing up or dry heaving.

The worst possible noise and feeling. My body seemed to take on a life of its own. When I was kneeling over the toilet I was sweaty and clammy, my legs were tingling and moving in all different directions. My stomach was convulsing.

My mind went to dark places. Doom and gloom took over, my body ached as I moved to wait for the next wave to come. Little sips of water was all I could handle.

The next wave came 30 minutes later afterwards I felt faint, almost collapsing before I got back to my chair. What was happening, was it food poisoning, flu or something more sinister happening internally.

Yeah I can’t help it, even as hard as I try to prevent myself the fears creep in. It is ingrained and so easy to go there. They are so easy to go there and stay there and lead to depression. I have to work hard to work my way out. With positive self talk and help from my support network led by my sweetie. Sometimes the fearful way is short lived and other times could be hours or days. Thankfully it was only less than an hour.

My stomach slowly settled and I took 2 Tylenol and slept. Awaking 3 hours later felt much better. Was supposed to go out last night, wasn’t going anywhere.

Fears can be irrational at best, yet I continue to allow them to take over my body and mind. I am learning to make friends with my fears some more so than others. Some I still have to learn to control. Thankfully only a mild case of the flu passed through my body. Today is a better day, only slight headache and raspy throat.

Fears are tied to anxiety. They both can act as a way to protect us from something or someone dangerous. They can both act as storage spaces for wisdom and knowledge. We can allow our fears and anxiety in and then we can also allow them to leave before they come deep rooted and fester and chronic.