Starting the new year I set a goal for m6self of showering 2 times a week. For the month of a January I accomplished this task, however, it was not easy. Each time I showered I wrote the date on the calendar it felt good to achieve this goal. Especially since a January was a tough month mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
February came and I thought this would be easy. The third day in I showered felt good empowered and emboldened. Well then reality set in. Over a week went by before another shower. I failed myself, felt crappy, beat myself up. I showered just to prove I could. It was not therapeutic and over after about a few minutes. Shortest time I can recall. I felt even worse. Another few days I tried again got into the tub and couldn't turn on the tap. I froze, I wanted to scream and cry. I felt ashamed.
The next day I was desperate for a shave and shower. I shaved, washed my hair in the kitchen sink and hand washed myself. The next several weeks every few days this was my routine.
It is now March 11, I finally did it. I showered.i prepared myself all day. No fear, no anxiety. The water felt relieving as it flowed over my body. I stood under the nozzle and soaked it all in. Felt alive and refreshed.
I fully understand that my feeling may be fleeting and short lived.
I have read many articles and talked to many professionals and friends. For people with mental health issues the simple task of showering can be the hardest to do. It is hard to explain, it just is.
Tomorrow hopefully will be a good day.
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