Name It, Don’t Numb It

 May was Mental Health Awareness month and the slogan was Name It Don’t Numb It. So here we go. I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. I was formally diagnosed 11 years and put on medication. I am on Fluoxetine more commonly known as Prozac.  

This past 15 months has been a kick in the stomach. I can honestly say F..k COVID-19. However, here we are still complying with public health ordinances and staying within our bubble with my wife and I. Good thing we love each other very much. We have been each other’s rocks. We have pulled each other up on more occasions than we can count on all of our fingers. We have not turned on each other. Have we had our moments, for sure. 

The hardest part is not being able to do our regular activities like volunteering, visiting friends, and travelling. We miss our son and daughter and especially our grandson. Can hardly wait.

I work in the healthcare system and have been deemed essential and gone and continue to go to work. My role has stayed the same, the methodology behind my work has changed. We have been creative to continue to provide the great service to our clients. The nurses, health care aides, outreach workers, admin, doctor’s and managers have been very supportive and we have become a very close knit unit. 

My depression kicks in when I come home and don’t feel motivated to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. I do 5-10 minutes of vacuuming or cleaning and that’s it all I can handle. Sone days the dishes pile up and so does the laundry. 

My anxiety kicks in when I lay down to sleep and my mind races to every and anywhere. In order to sleep I take a sleep aide. Or I awake at 3 in the am and can’t go back to sleep. Makes for a long day. Prone to irritable and irrational thoughts and actions. I resort to releasing some inner tension. It works.

Over the last 2 months I made the decision to seek professional help. I have seen a psychologist and I have made a good connection with him.  I am delving into my past for a better future. 

I grew up the youngest of 3 boys and I was treated as the idiot little brother. I grew up being afraid and scared of everything. I was made to be insecure. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. My brothers talked over me and my mother ranted and raged about being a scorned women deserted by her husband. 

My father left when I was 15 and I became enmeshed with my mother. She stifled my growth, my feelings  which made it hard to develop lasting relationships especially with women. I feel like I have been trampled on as a result I have chronic low self esteem. 

The last several years I have been changing and for the better. It wasn’t until 5 years that I learned about unconditional love from my grandson. My wife has been my soulmate, a great support and is my voice of reason. I have changed my support network and have wonderful friends. One of the biggest awakenings was coming to terms that family is not blood. It is whoever is there for you when you are at your lowest. 

My motto for last year was to be kind, this years motto is don’t create drama where none exists. Each day I am following these mottos and most days I am succeeding. I will keep on Naming it not Numbing it by being open and authentic.