Creature of Habit

I admit it I am a creature of habit. I like structure and sameness. When I ride the bus I tend to sit in the same rows of seats and if someone else is there I feel out of sorts.My sweetie always interjects " How can you be out of sorts, there is only one of you"?

I am a creature of habit about travel, always like to arrive at the airport hours before the flight. Once I am at the airport, nothing can go wrong, so the earlier the better.

I am unfortunately a creature of habit when it comes to frustration and disappointment. For me it manifests itself in misplaced anger. It doesn't have to be anything significant or major.

Growing up I was taught to be afraid of the bogeyman, the unknown, things lurking in the dark. I often heard words like its not safe to go for a walk by yourself. Be careful out there. Are you sure you are going to be okay? Stick to the main roads, don't accept rides from strangers and dont give rides to strangers. Don't talk to strangers? There is a difference between being cautious and living in fear Most people were taught to be cautious, I was taught to be fearful.

My whole life growing up was living in fear. Why? My parents split up when I was young and I lived with my mother and had 2 older brothers and all of them were overprotective of me and to some extent are still today. I believe that this is when my depression first started.

We have or 2 year old grandson staying with us and he is full of discovery. Loves to explore. My first thought is to stop him from exploring because the world can be a scary place. My more realistic thought is to not stifle his creativity and discovery as long as he is not placing himself in any danger.

I also watch him and wonder when is the fear going to set in. Well frankly I hope it never doses.

I look back at my life and recognize that a lot of positives and success have come from the times when I have taken risks. Like 8 years ago this week, I took a risk and as a result I have the most  loving, caring supportive partner anyone could want. I am lucky she allowed me to be in her life.

I have the healthcare position I have because I took a risk 11 years ago with a new department/program. I have great job satisfaction.

Eight years ago, I took a risk by trusting my partner when she indicated that I was suffering from depression and I have embraced it and am open about it. This  has led me to speak to school age teens about mental health and create a blog. I do not suffer from depression, I deal with depression.

The next risk I am going to take is to write a book about my journey with depression. Oh yeah and I talk to strangers everyday and even branch out and sit in different seats on the bus.

The world is not scary. the world is full of adventure, risks and discovery. One of my motto's is act like you belong.

I continue to be a work in progress, some days are better than others. Yesterday, I was fearful and afraid and felt like a scared little child/boy. The depression manifested itself into misplaced anger over what turned out to be nothing. Today is a good day. I know it is a cliche, it really is one day at a time.