Core Emotion: Anger

Last time out I shared with you my core emotion of fear. Now it is angers turn.

I knew for years, that there was something not right with me. I couldn't put my finger on it until I was diagnosed with depression. One of the symptoms of depression in some people is irritability and anger. In my case it was more than that. I would get mad at the easiest of things. I used to think this was a family trait because it was symbolic of all of us to lose it. My parents at the slightest provocation would go to anger very quickly. This I have since come to know was learned behaviour.

My father when he was angry would say the words bugger and damnation. My brothers would swear at anything and my mother would raise her voice to a yell. I would swear and become irritable at anything.

Last week my sweetie and I were visiting my mother. During the course of the conversation she asks about the Santa Claus suit she gave me over 30 years ago. I said I had 30+ years of use bringing joy to thousands of people and it was time to hang up my suit. I gave it to Salvation Army. At that point  for my mother what I had done was the most heinous thing ever. She raised her voice and said "How Dare You, that is the last gift I am ever giving you".  I am 54 years old, my oldest brother is 8 years older.  You do the math. My mother is in the sunset of her life. I realize she was doing the best she could and still is. It is so hard to get rid of this anger when there is so much around me as evidenced when I talk to her. She uses anger as a wedge by tattling on me to my brother who calls and berates me.

Sometimes I feel I am fighting an uphill battle. It took me more than half a century to realize my anger was hurting me not helping me. I love my mother and brother very much, however, it seems that interactions with them haven't evolved from when I was a child.

My grandson, gives me a second chance, a blessing to start over again and do it better.

Because of this learned behaviour I didn't realize that being angry has consequences. Over the past years I have said and done harmful things and for the most part didn't realize how much damage was done. Looking back at it, I now recognize why some people ceased to have anything to do with me. Opportunities passed me by because of this behaviour. I remember one time I applied in store for a retail position. After giving my resume in to the manager, I ran into someone I knew. We started chatting and at some point I swore loudly. Needless to say I didn't get the position.

I love sports, participating, watch live or on TV. I would get mad at the simplest little situation that went against the team I was rooting for. I now know it is only a game. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

Like any learned behaviour it can be changed. I am changing my behaviour. I don't get angry at the slightest provocation. I still get angry over things and my sweetie calls me on it. My friends call me on it. I need this and appreciate this. My life is better without being angry, irritated at everything. Believe me it is not worth it.